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BY Bundy

08/01 Direct Link
I bought a papasan chair yesterday... rather I already bought the frame for it earlier in the week, and I completed my purchase yesterday by grabbing the cushion.

Papasan chairs have always been a thing of comfort for me... I can't really explain it. I remember visiting a friend's house as a child and falling asleep in the giant papasan they had in their bedroom. I don't know what it is about them that makes them so welcoming, but I'm glad to finally have one.

I think I'll go relax in it now, actually... it's been a long morning already.
08/02 Direct Link
I have a hard time letting people do things for me... it's been that way since I was younger. There's this part of me that instantly feels guilty for accepting such things even when they're done out of the kindness of someone's heart, and I don't know how to eliminate that. Maybe I feel like I don't deserve better... like it should always be me making the concessions in a relationship, and no one else. All I know is it winds up hurting other people in the process when they're only trying to help me... and honestly, that's not okay.
08/03 Direct Link
Sometimes it feels like I can't get enough sleep. I'm never fully rested come morning, no matter how many hours I get or how long I stay in bed. I've always wondered why that is... why my sleep seems to be less restful than others. And that's when I can fall asleep.

Of course insomnia does run in my family, so I shouldn't be surprised. Perhaps it's a combination of that and stress... I'm under a lot of it on any given day it seems.

I just hope it improves some day.

I'm tired of being tired all the time.
08/04 Direct Link
I need to get back into writing fiction snippets instead of personal diary entry style drabbles. I can't even remember how long it's been since I wrote anything original anymore. Once vacation is over with I think I'll have a much easier time in doing that... after all, I have less than two weeks left at this point and I'm still not packed. Hell, I haven't even finished all of my shopping or prep work yet... talk about last minute!

But I'll get everything done... I have to. I just wish I didn't procrastinate so much.

That needs to change.
08/05 Direct Link
I just stayed up all night and morning waiting to gain early access into Pottermore with my girlfriend, and finally at nine in the morning... success!

I haven't read all of the Harry Potter books, so it might seem bizarre that I even wanted to bother with the stress of early sign up. To be honest, a lot of it had to do with how important it seemed to my girlfriend... I kind of wanted to share that with her for some reason. But I'm also hoping that Pottermore will inspire me to pick the books up again.

Here's hoping!
08/06 Direct Link
Sometimes I think I feel things on a level far deeper than most people do. I feel so overcome with love, at times I feel practically consumed by it... by the depth of emotion I feel for the person I've chosen to spend my life with. It's frightening sometimes, how completely I give myself to her... how her well being is far more important to me than my own... how I know I would do anything just to see her beautiful smile.

But other times it's touching, you know?

It has to be.

Unconditional love makes the world go 'round.
08/07 Direct Link
“It's missing.”

“What, sir?”

“It's missing,” Azazel repeated. “You told me this was the place, Malcolm... I'm growing impatient of playing games with you.”

“Oh...” he managed, his voice wavering on the solitary syllable. He'd meant to say more, but truth be told he was afraid of his master... everyone was now.

“You dare defy me, and that's all you can say for yourself? Oh?

Azazel sighed, an errant bolt of energy emerging from his fingers, destroying Malcolm in one cruel blow.

“You want something done right, you've got to do it yourself.”

08/08 Direct Link
It's always a fantastic feeling when you go to a store, notice a recall has been issued, and finally put the puzzle pieces together. I'd been feeling vaguely sick to my stomach over the past few days while I was eating a meal I prepped and I had no clue as to why... I figured it was just a fluke, since I was fine on the first day.

Not a fluke.

Turns out my ground turkey was recalled because it was contaminated with salmonella, and my body just didn't register the toxin until the second day.

Food poisoning. Not fun.

08/09 Direct Link
I got next to no sleep, and I'm feeling completely run down today. I guess that's what happens when you're up until seven in the morning and don't sleep past noon. I was really kind of hoping today would be a lazy day as a result... that I'd get to sleep in... but the apartment complex seems to have it out for me as usual, so they're currently mowing the lawn outside my window. Not cool.

What a pain in the ass this whole situation has been.

There are just some days I'd like to be able to do over.

08/10 Direct Link
I'm tired... physically and emotionally. Sometimes I feel like I know what I'm doing, and other times I realize maybe I'm just completely wrong in that assessment.

I'm tired of having bad days. I don't know what to do with them sometimes other than cry, take them personally, and try to understand things... figure out how to change them. It doesn't feel terribly good... it never has. Maybe I take things too personally? All I know is how certain events make me feel, and I try to react based on that.

Maybe honesty isn't really what people are looking for.

08/11 Direct Link
Just like that, after one really good night, I feel completely content... and that's a really great place to be. In less than a week I'll be meeting my girlfriend at the airport and seeing her face to face for the first time. It's almost surreal that the day is almost here... it always seemed so far off and distant that I almost wondered if it'd ever come.

But just as quickly as things crept up, time will inevitably leave us... and that's what I'm really worried about.

Saying goodbye will be the hardest thing I've ever had to face.

08/12 Direct Link
Four more days now until vacation... I almost don't know what to do with myself. I think I may be able to manage getting everything done without a scramble for once. I still need to pack, but a good majority of the things I'm taking with me are already set aside and just waiting to be put in a suitcase. I need to wrap some presents for my girlfriend. I need to bake cookies. I need to finish some laundry. Other than that, looks like I'll just have to have my car cleaned out and ready and I'll be set.
08/13 Direct Link
I woke up to the sounds of thunder shaking my apartment building this morning. Storms are normally not an unwelcome experience at all... normally I find them quite soothing actually. But at eight in the morning, when the building starts shaking without your knowledge of what's going on, I think people would tend to be a little concerned. I know I was.

That being said, I think the storms have subsided for now. I certainly hope so... there's only a few days left before vacation and I have errands I need to run today.

Don't ruin this for me weather!

08/14 Direct Link
Today's my girlfriend's birthday. More than anything, I wish I could spend the day with her in New York City. Perhaps go sightseeing... catch a movie... take her out to dinner... shower her with kisses. But in two more days she'll be flying in to spend a long vacation with me, so I can't possibly complain about missing out on all of that. These days are going to be thirteen of the best days of my life up until this point in time... I already can't wait until the next time I'll see her.

It only gets better from here.

08/15 Direct Link
Well, today's the last day... last day of packing... last day of preparation before this extended vacation I've been looking forward to since day one. I won't be able to update for a while because I won't have access to the internet while I'm away, but hopefully I'll continue to write 100 words every day while I'm in Ohio so I can update the site when I get home.

I'm just so excited at the moment I can hardly think straight... I keep feeling like I'll forget something, but I've been preparing for this for months.

Time to enjoy it!

08/16 Direct Link
Well, I woke up early this morning... not that I'm shocked. This just means I'm running ahead of schedule, and I'll have to alter my plans slightly. It looks like I'll be spending some time at my dad's before checking into the hotel at 2. I originally wanted to avoid this, as I'll probably be covered in dog hair by the time I leave even if I'm only there for a couple of extra hours, but I'd much rather get the big driving part over with ahead of time... then all I'll have to worry about is finding my girlfriend!
08/17 Direct Link
Things are going really strangely so far... I feel like things aren't moving forward the way they should be, and I don't know if there's a reason for it other than shyness. I kind of want to say something, but at the same time I'm almost afraid to... what if things are different than I originally thought they were? What if things have changed? What if she's thinking the same thing as me, and nothing will get started without someone speaking up?

I guess there's no way of knowing other than mustering up some bravery... I wish I had more.

08/18 Direct Link
A much better day today, although things still aren't where I want them to be. Sometimes I just need to swallow my fears and just talk to people... chances are that's exactly what the situation would need, and yet it's like pulling teeth with me. I'm trying to get better with that, but it's clear I have a long way to go.

I think a part of me is just scared by how fast time goes by sometimes and how far away I am from where I thought I'd be.

Hopefully things continue getting better... I need that so much.

08/19 Direct Link
Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself.

Had a pretty good day today, walking around the park... we even checked out the water park, which seems to have changed quite a bit since the last time I've been there. I managed to hurt my foot though, which isn't terribly great... I blame walking around in sandals, even though I wasn't in them very long.

I can only hope that doesn't last a while. It sucks being on vacation with an injury... that wasn't exactly what I had in mind.

Kisses make everything better though, I've found out.

08/20 Direct Link
Well, the rest has done nothing to heal my foot so far... I'm still mostly unable to walk on it without a large amount of pain building up. I have no idea what I could have done to it really. I don't remember doing anything to it, or any specific event that caused it. It was just fine one minute and really obnoxiously painful the next.

I'm beginning to think it's likely a bone bruise or some sort of fracture, neither of which will clear up any time soon.

This is not how I envisioned things going.

Not at all.

08/21 Direct Link
We wound up staying indoors almost all day today... mostly because we were anticipating rain, but also because I think on some level we both needed the rest.

I kind of figured the amount of hanging around indoors might lead to something, and it kind of did... almost. Only I clammed up and ruined it for myself, and now I'm back to the drawing board with it.

It's getting frustrating, the amount of time I've lost simply because I've felt scared or frozen in place. I don't think anyone expected things to go quite this way... it's time to react.

08/22 Direct Link
Cedar Point has an awesome new roller coaster that I completely underestimated. From the first glance, it doesn't seem that impressive, honestly... I'd only glanced at it and it wasn't as tall as some of the other rides in the park, so I kind of dismissed it without trying it at first. Now it's my favorite ride in the park.

It's called the Maverick, and it's in the Frontier Town area. It kind of looks like the Millennium Force with its track type, and it's even made by the same company... but it's way better.

Curvy, crazy, awesome roller coaster.

08/23 Direct Link
Sometimes it's just nice to take the train. Sure, it's not a thrill ride by any means... I could probably walk faster than it moves sometimes... but it's just nice to relax, and feel the breeze on your too-hot sunburned skin, and enjoy your surroundings.

I can't believe the bone village is still there, on the one stretch of land... I remembered that from when I was a kid. Call me silly, but that's one of the best things about riding the train... seeing the animated skeletons come to life.

Some things never seem to get old... I love it.

08/24 Direct Link
I think one of the things I'll miss the most about the park is the beautiful light show they have going on in the back of Frontier Town after dark... it's something entirely new to me, and the sights and sounds are phenomenal. I feel like I could stay there forever.

The light show is called Starlight Experience, and it's only running a little while longer than we'll be there. There are supposedly over a million lights back there, and they're all set up to change pattern and color depending on the music playing in the background.

I love it.

08/25 Direct Link
Sometimes the park is really empty for no apparent reason. Not that I'm complaining, mind you... that means you're able to get on rides almost immediately, and compared to waiting over an hour for some rides and two for others, that's far preferable. It's just really strange when you find a random day where people are very sparse... it almost makes you wonder if they know something you don't.

That being said, it was a rather productive day. I wish the whole trip could have been that way, at least from the park point of view. It was really fun.

08/26 Direct Link
I can't believe how fast the days go... it's terribly depressing. I've just been enjoying myself so much that I've allowed myself to slip into a sense of normalcy, like I can have this every day... see my girlfriend every day... be happy every day. Whenever the notion hits me that I can't have that, and things will be returning to the way they were before I just feel this overwhelming sense of sadness that threatens to poison what time I still have left.

I knew things would be hard, but I didn't know they'd be this hard this soon.

08/27 Direct Link
Well, today was the last day at the park and the last night at the hotel here in Ohio. I'm going to miss this place so much... but most of all, I'm going to miss the safety it provided for me. With this stretch of the vacation over with, it means that we'll be returning to Michigan for one more night spent together before I have to take her to the airport. I've been dreading that moment for longer than I can even remember at this point. Being happy is sometimes a terrible reminder of what you can't always have.
08/28 Direct Link
Last day and night together... I can't believe it's already been two weeks. I was hoping hurricane Irene would afford us some more time with the storm heading over NYC and all, but it managed to blow over with enough time that her flight wasn't canceled.

At least I managed to take her out to Outback Steakhouse for one last meal together... that was nice. And so was spending most of the day snuggled up in bed. I just can't even explain how much I'm going to miss this... just being together, happy.

Even the mundane things were beyond amazing.

08/29 Direct Link
Dropping my girlfriend off at the airport was one of the worst feelings I've ever endured. It hasn't even been an entire day yet, and it feels like an eternity that we've been apart. I can't sleep... I can hardly eat... I just feel lost right now.

Never take for granted what it is to be able to see the person you love every day if you have the privilege, because there are people out there who would give anything to have that.

But this wasn't goodbye... it was a “see you soon.”

I hope it'll never be goodbye.

08/30 Direct Link
Today was a really difficult day. I woke up after only brief glimpses of sleep only to find myself consumed with tears again, which didn't leave my side for most of the time I've been awake. At the very least, I've started to eat a bit again after feeling sick from loss the past 24 hours. I just have a really difficult time adjusting sometimes once I catch a glimpse of what happiness is... because happiness isn't what I live on a day to day basis. It never really has been.

Happiness, for me, is currently in New York City.

08/31 Direct Link
I finally managed to get some sleep last night, despite still feeling down. It felt kind of good to rest for a change... so good that I wound up sleeping on and off for a good majority of the day, and I hardly got anything done because of it. I suppose it's alright though. It's been a rough few days, and my body and mind could probably use the time to recoup and relax. I just can't believe how run down I still feel. Sometimes depression really does a number on my body.

Here's to hoping tomorrow will be better.