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09/01 Direct Link

I've lost weight. I'm not going to say how much, because I'll probably have regained it by now.

This has been, without a doubt, one of the best summers I've ever had. I've achieved more than I thought possible of myself. I've proved me to myself.

I've never felt in better shape. I intend to keep it this way. More exercise: a healthy body makes a healthy mind.

Iíve read more, and Iíve found my niche Ė my own little corner of literature where no-one can bother me. Iíve got more to go though.

Aspiration. It just kills ya, don't it?

09/02 Direct Link

I've decided on which form I find most beautiful. I mean this in an artistic, aesthetic sense, not in that of a beauty competition. I won't name names or hint at faces.

The human form. That is the most beautiful thing in all existence. Vitruvian Man. The Fabric of the Human Body. The wealth of skin tones, the arciform protrusions from the richly-embroidered framework, the hidden flesh, alluded to by tautness or curvature. The sinews slackening, half-hidden ripples.

The entanglement of limbs, twisting and intertwining like breathing vines, the fingers catching, slipping, catching, bodies ever moving to a higher state.

09/03 Direct Link

The day will come when you'll look upon the destruction you've wrought with your age of steel and mind of God with tears in your eyes. And I'll be there.

The hour will come when your civilization grinds to†a halt, the heaven-scented clouds of illusion will be swept away. And I'll be there.

The minute will come when you must decide whether it is just to spill the blood of your brother in the name of survival. And I'll be there.

I'll put my hand on your shoulder, and I'll ask you if you're scared, and you'll say yes.

09/04 Direct Link

†And I shall face the demons that hide in the shadows, waiting, waiting, waiting.

I shall have no fear as I look in the eye that with which my mind threatens to crush me, to turn my bones to ash and dance in the dust.

I will draw strength from that lingering moment, hanging like a star on a chain around my neck, knowing that I cannot lose, I cannot die, I cannot stop as I†become the very love that is my armour.

I will destroy the enemies that are myself. Not one of them shall shed my blood.

09/05 Direct Link

When I grow old I want to be†like an old†leather bag:†weathered, world-worn, glad of the rest to come.

I want to be kept as with sentimental value, even though I may have holes in, and may have lost my use almost entirely. Loved, nice just to have around, even if serving no direct useful purpose.

I want to look like an old leather bag: walnut brown, a bit rough around the edges, and full of wrinkles

I am awakened from my daydream by the rather more crude suggestion I shall thus look rather akin to a testicle.

09/06 Direct Link

My father's off to Albania again. He does this quite a lot. At work he's become the go-to guy on Albanian affairs (that is, as much as a geotechnical consultant can be called a 'go-to guy'). I envy him, being able to see all of these places whilst I sit at my desk making notes. I only hope I can get to travel as much when Iím working, my briefcase swinging like those of my predecessors. Iíve always wondered about that briefcase.

It's probably got something to do with the mafia. No wonder he was so concerned about that map.

09/07 Direct Link

"Here lies a man
Who hated the world,
Who despised every living thing
That ever disturbed his presence.
A vicious hatred of charitable institutions
Was posessed by this man,
Who believed that charity showed weakness
And that poverty was the result
Of laziness and ignorance.
A miser and a scrooge,
This man never gave, lent, or bought,
Theft being a right as he perceived it
For the disadvantaged to use against a hostile,
Backward society.
This man never loved,
Never cherished,
Poured his vituperative scorn
Upon anything and everything.

So to teach him a lesson,
We buried him upside down."

09/08 Direct Link

My arms are missing something. I thought everything was there, but that wasn't the case upon closer inspection.

It's something warm and bright, not something physical but more of a feeling. Something deep down inside, a moment that can only be felt once it's over, a ripple long gone in the sea of time, longed for once again. Itís not a case of sinew, nerves or flesh, but of impulse, outlines, that lingering scent. My arms feel incomplete. If you see it, youíll tell me, wonít you?

It's something just short†my height, two shoulders wide, with a beautiful smile.

09/09 Direct Link

To a true friend, a wonderful person and an incredible musician.

Another year
And you don't feel any different.
You're not.
And that's just fine with me.
The magic's not in knowing that another day's passed
But in the tinkling, the dexterity
With which you rule the keys,
Your slender fingers never knowing, ever-knowing,
Tuned with that very deserved intuition,
That true passion.
It's infectious,
Spreading through the room, bouncing off the walls,
Filling everyone with your love.
And we love you.
So very much.

You may only just be an adult
But you've been a man a long time.

09/10 Direct Link

A mystery, deep and entwined, wrapping itself in coils around my mind. A curtain, hiding from me the truth; the actuality of that truth†is what I desire. Why so sought after? The will of a million men, that for which they have fought and died, the very fountain of life. But I cannot comprehend. That is a road I alone may take, trodden once, a road of no return, directionless, a suspension of time. That sweetness which drives men to death and a cold sweat. A soft discovery, a bite, a stumble in the dark.

The curtain parted.

09/11 Direct Link

The bristles land lightly upon the sparse canvas. A new beginning. Get a feel for your workspace. Paintless, start your curvatures, the adrenaline coursing through your veins. You could do anything. You are creation. You are God.

Like a visual narrator, you can deceive, you can hide, you can tell your audience what's there, what's not, though it's right in front of their faces. You can fill them with love, hate, joy, fear.

The brush withdraws, chooses its poison, and begins its dance across the white floor.

ďMaybe Iíll put my love on ice,/ Teach myself, maybe thatíll be niceĒ

09/12 Direct Link

Today I saw a beautiful thing.

A lone sunflower, its head tilting to where it perceived to be the source of the faintest light, standing lowly yet defiant, invader of a crack in the concrete.

It seemed a little bewildered, not knowing how or why it had been placed there. Yet there it stood, challenging the tempestuous hand of Fortune to pluck it from the earth, bowing slightly under the autumnal winds which plucked at its bold outline. I smiled at its hardy tenaciousness, then walked on.

All civilisation seemed swept aside, a light in the darkness of the jungle.

09/13 Direct Link

A seed is sown. Pushed deep down into the ground, it is covered, hidden, locked away in the arms of the earth, safe from everything, safe from me. For now.

Yet I am not safe from it. Not now. Not ever, not until I know that the seed will grow into a beautiful, elegant, quivering thing, for then I may sleep with the heady scent of it floating around my head, or that it will grow into a great monstrous, strangling, choking entanglement, for then I may strike it down.

But for now, I must let it sleep. And wait.

09/14 Direct Link

Iím going to go to sleep and let this wash right over me Iím going to go to sleep and let this wash right over me Iím going to go to sleep and let this wash right over me Iím going to go to sleep and let this wash right over me Iím going to go to sleep and let this wash right over me Iím going to go to sleep and let this wash right over me Iím going to go to sleep and let this wash right over me Iím going to go to sleep and let this

09/15 Direct Link

I'd like to think that I'm relatively principled. I'm probably not though. There probably isn't much†I wouldn't sacrifice to the will of your opinion.

I open my mouth, but am buffeted by conversational side-winds. This wasn't my intention. I promise you that. The harsh light falls softly upon us, blessing our presence. The Fates, just for that second, look kindly upon us. I stay silent, trying to show you all my feelings in my smile.

Then I am left wondering 'Where did all the time go?' as once again, the dark envelops your face and steals you from me.

09/16 Direct Link

Every second wasted is a split in the seam. Every minute avoiding the inevitable meeting of mind, reality and desire is clawing uselessly as Time the Executioner drags me slowly towards my fate. Fingernails down the blackboard. That portentous mass, swelling in the back of my mind, my guilt, my soul, sneers as its cold black breath freezes the backs of my eyeballs. You're going to hang for what you need to do. It'll kill him. Youíll destroy him. Traitor.

I put the needle down onto the wax, hear the comforting crackling, then let the King's words take me away.

09/17 Direct Link

Introspections of a Coward

Thy†pain and grief,†thy guilt and fear
Will steal away what ye hold dear,

As God above, and angels true,
Shall retribute thy sin with due.

Thy mark shall show thy tort from hence,
And give no fool the least pretence,

How hard†thy laden soul†might try,
To e'er excuse or justify.

The whip shall crack above†thy head,
As ashen tears of dust you shed,

Thy†driver lust, thy†burden sin,
The godless who betrays his kin.

And evermore†wears't thou thy bloody label
For thou art Cain who kills†his brother†Abel

09/18 Direct Link

"As you probably know, I'm a man with strong religious convictions."

"How could I possibly know? I don't even know you! You've just come up to me, stuck a gun in my face and told me to get out of my car!"

"Ah. Yes. Indeed. Anyway, as such, I would like your blessing as I take your car from you."

"What?"

"I would like your blessing."

"And you expect me to give you one?"

"Well yes, I was rather hoping you would."

"No. I shan't."

"All right then. I shall make you."

"Aiyaa, no need to point that thing at me..."

09/19 Direct Link

"Will all great Neptune's Ocean wash this blood
Clean from my hand? No: this my hand will rather
The multitudinous seas incarnadine,
Making the green one, red."

I hide away in the shadows, keeping out of the rays of my desire, that which will surely bring Paradise, yet will cut irreparable wounds into Old Man Time's flesh, for which there is no forgiveness save death. I am sorry for my sins, but am I not human? No matter. All is long gone. I keep away from the trees, lest Great Birnam Wood, to high Dunsinane Hill, shall come against me.

09/20 Direct Link

I strayed from the path, the winding track†which should have†carried me on to where I wanted to go. It was never an inevitability that I should reach its end, for there were so many traps to ensnare me.

I turned my head, but the darkness closed in on me from all sides, and I could not see the way whence I had come. I tripped, felt a million needles plunge into me, then hung there motionless.

A bramble patch had caught me, its thorns ripping at my suspended flesh, trapping me, the crimson booty welling on my skin.

09/21 Direct Link

I struggled, but the twisting limbs of the brambles overpowered mine, paralysing me as my blood, incarnadine liquid penance, ran in rivulets along to the tips of my fingers, stopped, clotting slightly, before tumbling away from me, their presence almost inexistent as they were swallowed up by the bitch earth.

As I hung, strung up like some gory puppet, a voice emanated from the darkness around me:
"You'll go to hell for what you did. Judas, you cannot run any longer. I will catch you, and my love will wash away your evil, before I cast you down for evermore."

09/22 Direct Link

"Spare me," I cried, "for I have sinned!"
"You are to be punished not for what you did, and I cannot spare you, nor could have even if I wanted to, for you would have done what you did even if you knew you were to do it."
"No! No! You cannot say that!"
"Ah, but I can."
"No!" My voice rang clear through the thicket, the barbs trembling with my frustration. "There is always a choice. It might not be ours to make, but we are always implicated in that sequence of events that is the Chain of Being."

09/23 Direct Link

There was a pause.

"So be it," said the voice. "You have chosen your own penance. You must find a way to atone for your sins."
"What shou-"
"I said you must find away. The choice for me to help you is not mine to make. You will go, Judas, and you will never find the end of the path upon which you walk unless you pay penitence for what you will do."

With that, the brambles disappeared and I fell to the floor. I rose, the crimson earth sticking to my shaking brow, and tried to find my path.

09/24 Direct Link

he sits facing away from me he cant see as i come up from behind what is he thinking of i know youre there he says i stop and switch from one hand to the other i know you he says do what you have to do a silence comes i dont want to do this anymore but go on he says i wont hold it against you how can he not i stop clear my head take a deep breath take the last steps and plunge in the knife he doesnt wince as i twist it in his back

09/25 Direct Link

I'm so sorry.

I know you've been hit in the face
with a brick.
It's swollen your lips
Blurred your eyes
And you're haemorrhaging fast in your skull.

But you can't stop.
You've got another coming.

I know you've lost faith
I know you feel like you can't go on
But you have to.

That's what being human is.
You've got to pick up your tired bones
Pick yourself up from your blood and your ideas
And take yourself away
Away to a place where the sun shines brighter
The water flows clearer

and all your love will never die.

09/26 Direct Link

If everybody in the world jumped at the same time, the world would move momentarily off of its axis, and then revert to its normal state of being, after less than a second of disruption.

Why is it then, that it only takes the sound of one†step to make cracks in the earth, one look to make buildings crumble to dust, one turn to fell every tree, one look to turn my insides into mercury? And why must it be that all these powers are condensed into the physical form of one person?

"There's†a fire in my world..."

09/27 Direct Link
The god creates the man.

The man controls the mind.

The mind reveres the god.

The man worships the god.

The god rewards the mind.

The mind leaves the man.

The man envies the mind.

The mind abhors the man.

The man needs the mind.

The mind spurns the man.

The man needs the god.

The god helps the man.

The god decieves the mind.

The man ambushes the mind.

The man ignores the god.

The god punishes the man.

The man hates the god.

The god fears the man.

The man controls the mind.

The man†destroys the god.
09/28 Direct Link
I climb the cirrus staircase, and she awaits me at the top. The dancing girl.

But I can't touch her.

I sit and watch her.

Such rawness in her movement, the calculation, the spring from foot to foot, the toes directing, flowing across this higher plane, whilst I look on in wonder.

The flick, the twist, the sleight of the wrist, the snatched glance that cannot be missed. My emotions glisten around her ankles, wafted in eddies by the rippling of her skirts as I hold my breath, waiting, longing for that next brief moment when our eyes will meet.
09/29 Direct Link

The harsh light, filtered softly through the leaves, falls gently upon one side of your face. Your light step and calm eyes almost make me forget it's dark, that our walk only lasts a few hundred metres, that soon you'll be gone, whisked away with a purr and a shrinking red light.

My memory clouds, your face becomes a simple, soft shape, one which contemplates, understands, responds, smiles, turns everything invisible. I find myself staring at your eyes, those strange orbs which flicker and glint and make me wonder...

A click, a wave, and I am left staring into inexistence

09/30 Direct Link

I just don't know what to do with myself I just don't know what to do with myself I just don't know what to do with myself I just don't know what to do with myself I just don't know what to do with myself I just don't know what to do with myself I just don't know what to do with myself I just don't know what to do with myself I just don't know what to do with myself I just don't know what to do with myself I just don't know what to do with myself I