REPORT A PROBLEM
I suck at being sick. I've had my seasonal cough the last two days. I'd rather puke than cough. Nice, eh? I'm candid, when feverish. I bark like a dog. Every muscle heaves when I bark. It wears me out. It is like a physical endurance race. Sleep is interrupted. You don't interrupt my sleep. I don't talk much because when I talk, I cough. Another killer, me not being able to say 'stuff'. Wow. No wonder I turn into such a bear. I've had pneumonia once and truly have empathy for those who have respiratory disorders. Praying for health.
I think the word is disillusioned. The love of God is what is preached, unconditional and true. However, even I, who is an unorthodox as they come(which is why I probably experience this), as soon as you do something 'they' don't like, you are reprimanded and told, "you better watch it, God doesn't like it when you do that." I really don't get it. If I, as a believer, feel that condemnation, then how does someone who doesn't know God feel? I'll answer my own question. They feel badly. The radical expression of grace offends many. Give me grace!!!!
I keep seeking. There's something driving me right now. I can't explain it. There is a driven desire given to me by God to find something, that I don't know what I'm looking for. As U2 said, "I still haven't found what I'm looking for." The journey is interesting. I know that each step is another open door for finding something else out about the One who steers me whichever direction. It all seems vague, but so clear. I've navigated in the fog before, this isn't it. It's clear but without a direction. I'm eager to find out what awaits.
Injustices, I hate them. I despise the underdog being taken advantage of. I am a non-competitive, non-aggressive, non-bossy type of person. But, oh geez, you push my buttons and you have one mad dog on your hands. My list of injustices is long and expansive. My challenge for myself becomes this; when to become involved and when to just sit back and watch. There are quotes above my windows at home that say, "Wisdom is knowing when to stand up and speak, wisdom is knowing when to sit down and be quiet."I need this discernment, daily.
I need a new way of doing things. I just read how important change and new energy was in order to be happy. Funny, I always thought change was bad.I'm ready to take on new! I need a new air of attitude in my business. I need a new direction with my life. I want to volunteer, help those who need help. I want to change my exercise routine. I want to mix it up. I want to get out of the rut. It's a challenge, just to do that. Ready to turn the page...good bye status quo
Good Friday, I dislike you. I lost a baby 18 years ago on Good Friday. It was irony, I could hear the church bells ring as I sat and mourned. I knew a Savior was off in the distance dying, He knew I'd need Him to help heal my pain. And I did...and I do. The significance is overwhelming. I don't think a lot about it, often, now. A loss is still a loss. I know there are reasons. I know I'd never have my adoring, son. I only wanted two children. God knew that. And in that, peace.
Team sports. Got lots to say. So few words. My son plays baseball. I've raised my son to be gentle, caring and compassionate. Somehow his coach doesn't think that's appropriate and has made it his pet-project to toughen my son up. Beyond irritating. Beyond frustrating. I'd like to punch him in the face. He says things to my son, like, "I blame you." Really? It's so hard to allow your child to play organized sports when the overall mentality is not how you have raised your child. It's like letting them eat shellfish, if you know they are allergic.
He was no longer there. The tomb was empty. Giving all the reasons for me to rejoice, today. Victory, when good prevails over evil. I do not know how so many people are so willing to buy into the most far-fetched marketing schemes in this life and yet, to still dismiss the story of Jesus as being fictional. I know it seems 'too good to be true', but that is what makes it so intriguing to me. If something that good can be so simple, why not? And count me in! Go ahead and buy that '''beach front''' property....
April is lack creativity month. No, not really. I just feel that way. I feel stagnant. Writing, flowers, new ideas, fresh beginnings all dormant, and when the rest of the world is bursting full of new life. I need a sabbatical, I think. Do florist take sabbaticals? To make matters worse I'm in a frenzied busy season personally and professionally. My son is playing a killer schedule in high school baseball and the shop just keeps taking orders for the upcoming weeks, through May. I dislike this season in life. Too busy to be at the top of my game.
Don't go changing, to try to please me. Don't we wish the world would adhere to that code? It is a number one pet peeve of mine to be around people who try to conform you to their way of thinking of a certain way of behaving. I dislike that. It almost puts me in a state of rebellion. It is like, "Oh yeah, you want me to behave like that? I'll show you." And I don't have that attitude as part of who I really am. I guess it is when push comes to shove, I will shove back.
My husband is competitive but we have never pushed our son to be that dog-eat-dog athlete. And I am pleased to admit, now we are paying for it. Our high school coach has taken a personal disliking to my kid. I am not an embittered parent, because my kid isn't playing, that's not it. This coach singles my kid out for fault-finding, scrutiny and constant non-constructive criticism. Parents, I urge you and encourage you, don't subject your child to this, no matter how old. Don't raise them to 'take it' for the sake of the game.
Have a rant, today. I'm a Christian. A Christian woman that does 'ministry' everyday in the business I own. My business struggles financially, we often have to dip into our personal accounts to pay the bills of the business. So, knowing that I DO 'ministry' in the marketplace, I don't put a plate in the front of my store to ask for donations or send out emails asking customers for money. My unorthodox view is saying, maybe more ministers need 'real jobs' to pay for their own bills instead of relying on others to pay their way. Throw the stones...
Oh sweet superstitious day, you. In your face, it has been a terrific day in my world. I have new baby ducks. That's cause for celebration. I'm some type of bird woman, I think. I'm sure that has some serious superstitious fables regarding it, as well. Baby ducks are the cutest thing ever. When held and loved, you do not need to clip their wings, they just want to stay around. They wander in my yard and do not need a pen, they know where they are loved. They are the most self-sustaining pet,ever. I am...in Love!
Ah, sigh, and another sigh. This is just what I needed, some alone time. It has been a run and gun, hop jump and skip time in my life. And it doesn't promise to get much better, until at least after Mother's Day. My 'nature' is that I'm a quiet, like time to myself and to be alone. Lately, that hasn't been happening. It seems as though I have someone with me, chattering, all the time. Quiet, I know is when God speaks. I miss Him. What He says keeps my life on track. My soul says, "it is time."
Zombie apocalypse...makes for great movies, but could we be there, now (minus the gruesome snacks)? Let me explain. There are two instance where I live that makes me think...zombie!? Methamphetamines are a huge business of illegal drugs. People that take this are skinny, act irrationally, have poor hygiene(their teeth become really bad) and walk around with us. Zombie 2: I went to an 'elite' grocery store the other day. I'd smile at people, say excuse me when appropriate; all I received in return were eeire, blank stares. Drug addicts or rude elitist...or zombie!?!?!?This about it!
Oh girl fun!!! I ran into a couple 'old' friends, yesterday...I felt like I had been to the good conversation, laughter, and tears smorgasboard. One of these friends is a true woman of the heart. I always feel like she needs me. Like she needs to hear what's on my heart. She and I have always shared something unique. The other one...brace yourself! She is a live out loud lady. I have missed her so much in my life. She is the kind of friend that can make you forget the gray sky outside. I miss my friends.
I discuss the fact, often with my husband, that there seems to be so much immoratily on the fire service, especially in regards to extramarital affairs. His response, "it happens everywhere, we just happen to be around this profession, more." Hmmmm. I give pause to that. His argument yesterday was the Secret Service agents were 'caught' in Columbia partying before the President arrived. Teachers, doctors, lawyers, mechanics, farmers, chemist...who gets the award when it comes to professions that like to cheat on their wives? I'm still keeping my bet that firemen would be at the top of that list.
My ducks fascinate me. They have traveled back and forth with me, to the flower shop. One distinct advantage of working for yourself...you get to take your pets to work with you! I read something today that made me want to rejoice, knowing I wasn't nuts for ducks! It said that King David and King Solomon of the bible, learned many things about themselves and God through nature. That is where you discover wisdom. And we all know in our busy lives, we ignore such things. I think in the busy, I am blessed by God through my ducks!
On facebook, I can share opinions, some might agree with, some might not. I feel like by writing 100 words, I can share me. No one knows me, no one cares. I still feel unrest in my marriage. The fights are less intense and they don't occur as often. But still...something lingers. I feel like his niceness is a subtle form of manipulation. Sad thing, I don't think he knows any different. His background, that's how he was raised. I don't consider being gone, too much invested. I just wish(pray) the peace that passes all understanding would begin.
Oh my boy! He is 17. I cut some major apron strings today. It is hard. Giving them wings. He got the car keys and pretty much had driving freedom, had to get himself to baseball practice, coming to see us at the shop, getting himself lunch and going to his girlfriend's house. I have a subdivided heart! I want him to be a man, grow up and be independent; big but...I want him to still be little. Since the latter, won't ever happen, I need to bask in the former. I am so blessed by being a mom.
I am struggling with my faith. I'm sure that is healthy. I feel like sometimes the Christian faith(I'll always love Jesus---the church-ed part of Christianity is what I refer to)...I feel like it has a bit of psychosis linked into its theology. Let me explain. God loves everyone, gives them grace and forgives everything; that is what we tell people to get them to come to church. But, when mistakes, slip-ups happen or when you aren't in the church, you are on a one way path to hell. I can't stand the extreme conflicting consequences.
I am low down on the list of those who believe in mind control. However, I do believe that we have a huge impact on the outcome of our day and our lives by constantly thinking and saying negative things. I think it's a huge barrier preventing so many from simply enjoying their lives. I am around two, that I pay to work for me. Two of the most negative, down-cast souls you can imagine. And many times I find it bringing me down. It is so difficult. I can't fire someone because they are not positive...can I?
Prom flowers! Please don't be one of those moms. We deal with all types, that is for sure. Some moms do not care what color flower their daughter has for the prom. Others bring in the dress, and stand and 'consult' us for more than a half an hour for the perfect matching corsage. It is truly ridiculous. Really? This is not a wedding. I pray I am no longer in flowers, when it is this child's time to get married. How do you have that much time to fret and worry about a $20 corsage for your child's prom?
Low carbs, I LOVE you. Immediate and quick results. I had entered the South Beach realm a few years ago, and lost a bunch of weight. Then, you know how it is, carbs started looking good again. I had a few reasons for going low carb, this time. I didn't like the doctor's scales and I've been hearing really bad things about eating a lot of refined sugar. So, it seemed necessary. Two weeks carb free and I can tell. I already feel better and feel better about myself. At 46, no Sports Illustrated model, just wanting to be healthy.
There is a book already entitled "God Winks." That makes me sad, because, I believe in that concept so much, I could've written THAT book. It states that in small ways, that are around you all the time, if you notice, is reassurance of God and how much He loves you. Loves you enough to do little personal stuff for you. Yesterday, I got a God wink. Had my car worked on and when they brought it back, it had been washed. For a gal that lives on a gravel road, that is a BIG deal! Thanks, God. I noticed!
I was just curious, do you ever ask for water in a drive through? In a cup with ice? I am sure different rules apply, but why should such a small issue be an issue in the morning. Every morning I order: one large coffee, one large ice water. Why do they hand me whatever size cup they deem as their mood for the day? If it is a bad-mood girl I get a child's size cup. I sometimes wonder if they take my request for water out of her paycheck. Is water not available in large? Senseless frustration.
There's a quote somewhere that says something about letting the small things steal your time and energy from the things that matter most. Right now, that is how I feel in my business. There are so many business things that need to be attended to, and because I'm a hands-on designer as well, I spend my day working instead of being a business person. It might mean it's time for a new employee, but I am just at that point where I can almost pay myself, so how do you acheive that balance? I need a female business mentor!
Oh sing a song of praise for all those things that have not yet happened yet. For the things you are praying for that haven't yet transpired. It is biblical that you praise before it happens. Rejoice as if it has already happened. Don't hesitate. If you are praising, you are releasing your faith that you believe it will happen. A few of mine: that my son is completely healed of Crohn's, my mom's heart will be restored to perfectly good working order, the business will go above and beyond successful, my daughter will find Mr. Right...lift up praise!
Laws, rules and legalism....those things are so anti-the-Jesus I serve. And they are so wrong. Jesus walked the earth so we could have freedom from all the bad things we do. He did not die on a cross so that we could make lists and rules and tell others what they should and shouldn't be doing. Religion killed Jesus. I despise the religious attitude. Being orthodox, yes, that is what I dislike. I'm unorthodox and I am pretty sure during Jesus' ministry he was labeled unorthodox, he did things that infuriated the religious people. Mini-sermon, amen.
I started to write and changed it. I paused for a moment and pondered the fact that my daily post has turned into a journal entry that I didn't mean for it to. I hope my life is reading worthy. I have some pretty off-the-wall ideas and thoughts. I like to express them here, because no one argues with me or tells me that I am wrong. Ha!I'll try to write with more depth. Nah, maybe not. I am a deep person, so maybe this is my play ground of fun with words. An insight into me!
The Tip Jar