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Michael Buble says it best, in his song, Feeling Good, "It's a new dawn, It's a new day, It's a new life." I want to adopt this as my theme song for 2012. I want every day to be a new day. I want to be able to not get so burdened by the cares of this world. I want to rise above it and see more beauty in the simple things. I need to make serious decisions about selling our house and where to take my business. Ready for a new day, a new year, a new life. READY.
I dislike New Year's resolutions, but. This quote by Albert Einstein is prompting me to make one. "The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." I have been one of those who 'do nothing'. I have the pathetic excuse that I'm just too busy. That stinks. I am going to pray to be sure that I am where God wants for me to be, then I am going to help fight an evil in my corner of the world. Looking away, an option no longer....
My kids are funny. My son hid in our closet last night. Just when we were getting ready to settle in for a long winter's nap, out he pops. They usually wait 'til bedtime to be entertaining. I'd rather laugh than sleep. My daughter just moved back from college after being gone on worldly adventures. She will take this semester off to be involved in yet another internship. My point is, at ages 16 and 20, it tickles my heart to hear them running through the upstairs of the house laughing and annoying each other. It had been too quiet.
I saw two people yesterday. Funny thing, one is about to become a multi-millionaire, the other is getting ready to file bankruptcy. I think I stood with my mouth ajar when I learned of both. I watched the one in complete awe as he will be able to buy all his heart desires. I watched the other sob as he told us that he did not want to take his family back to "soup bone holler" where he grew up(the other side of the tracks). I am still trying to process it all. Sad, what money can do...
Off the beaten path...I'm not someone who is concerned about fashion. I wear jeans most of the time. I really don't dwell on 'what to wear'. However, one of my largest pet peeves is when women choose to wear pajama pants out in public. I believe I despise it so much because it shows laziness not a lack of fashion sense. And yes, they are pajama pants, the fluffly fleece ones with cartoon characters, etc on them. I hate that. If you can't get dressed, stay home. I mean honestly, does that mean you didn't brush your teeth, either?
Have you ever heard the expression, "Golden handcuffs?" Someone around here may have coined the phrase talking about not being able to leave an unsatisfactory job due to the paycheck. I'm stealing it for my life, right now. I do flowers. I landed a huge funeral home's account. It now, owns me. I'm at their beckon call. They pay their large account, when they want. They are very demanding. The flowers are often hard to get and expensive. And I feel like I've sold my soul to the devil. Because, it pays the bills. My blessing is becoming a curse.
A new year has been more trying and exhausting than the old one. The intensity has been turned up to maximum. The stress and chaos are overwhelming. I cannot seem to catch my breath. The business is consuming me. I wanted to be busy but I feel like I am just going through the motions. I do not have the right perspective on what I own. It owns me. I thought paying the bills is success, it isn't. My problem with working so hard is there is no monetary reward at the end of the day, week, month, year....weary.
I look for answers. I wait for Him to point me in the right direction. I listen for His voice. Am I lying if I say it is easy? Yes, I am lying. It's not easy. There were days when God's grace seemed to be all over my life. It was the early days. I am pretty sure it was that wooing me in phase in my walk with Him. Everything was easy. Now, the lean times, the valley, the desert experience, into the fire I got tossed. Now, everything is difficult. I crave God's presence. I just keep looking...
Another day, another chapter. My daughter will start an internship today. I'm good with it. However, it's a 70 miles, one-way commute. That's a lot of road miles. I'll pray for her protection and for the weather to be mild. It's just another step in parental wings being clipped. And yes, this week she turns 21. So, I'm done. Through. Parenting is over. I'm kidding. It never ends. I am so blessed we are as close as we are. Friendship is better than parenting. When prince charming enters her life, I'll be so happy, but sharing will be difficult.
I was talking to my husband while driving. I said, "got to go, told God, we'd chat...." And on the radio, this is what I heard: "..you've been doing things right, going the extra mile, digging in, holding on, and things keep getting worse, you ask, why are things getting more difficult when you've committed to becoming better? It's because you are a threat. If you seek changes to become a better person...; you change your home, you change your workplace, you change your community. Positive change is not welcomed in this world or by the enemy. Don't get discouraged!"
Stability and balance. I'm not. Two things that I'll freely admit, I'm out of. I'm out of whack. I work too much, play too little. I worry too much, trust, too litte. I refrain a lot and endulge not enough. I live pegged. I don't take that breathing time that I know I need, so I feel like I am drowning. I like alone time, most of the last six months have been spent with someone in my space. I love my kids, I love my family, I love my life. BUT, I need to regroup. I need ME time.
Stop me, before I cry. Today my precious baby girl turns 21. Unbelievable. I just gave birth, right? I cannot believe she is not a baby, anymore. She is so filled with life, joy, spunk, contagious optimism, that I stand in awe. I smile in admiration and am beyond blessed to be a part of her incredible journey. She has faults and gets on my nerves, but she makes me smile and laugh more than anything else in my life. She gives me hope. I pray for her continuing success, that she finds prince charming and life treats her well!!!!
I'm pretty sure STRESS at an all time high collided with reality, yesterday. Have you ever been somewhere, doing something and asked yourself, "what in the hell am I doing?" I had to stay late to make flowers, making my daughter's birthday celebration a little weak. I had to deliver funeral flowers at 8 o'clock at night, in case bad weather made it difficult in the morning. I locked myself out of the funeral home. Driving conditions were terrible. I couldn't see due to the blowing snow. I just stopped and asked myself, "what in the hell am I doing?"
You would think as nature loving as I am, I'd love it, but the snow does nothing more than get on my nerves. I am also someone who loves things that sparkle. So, this morning the snow looked like the glitter fairy had visited during the night. I'm still not impressed with it. And I was up early enough to watch the sun rise over the snow. It radiated pinks and lavenders through the sky. Nice try, God..wooing me with its beauty, which I'll admit it is gorgeous. However, I'm still opposed to the white stuff blanketing the earth.
I've got a new attitude. I am positive, with sheer determination, the optimism can linger, the doubts, fears and anxiety can take a hike. I've set a two year time line for everything. Business, selling our house, maintaining normal life in our chaotic schedules and responsibilities. We are going to go about life, as always but with the attitude of 'yeah, so?'. I think my husband and I take stuff way too seriously. It is time for us to 'trust' and believe God is taking care of us. We can hold on two years...It is God's time to work.
There is a time to lay down your fight. I'm attempting to do that. I go out into each day expecting and anticipating problems, trouble, irritations, aggravations...my shield is always up. Today I lay it down. Today, I expect good things, soft things, happy things, nice things to happen to me. All of which can't get through with my defenses up. Today is the day to receive and accept God's mercy and kindness without being on guard for the bad things. It is a new way of thinking, a new attitude. I'm wearing it, I go out expecting...good!
Thunderstorms. Yes, in January. Thunderstorms aren't part of the weather in the winter in the midwest. God proved that wrong, again. I giggle when weather is predicted to go one way and it takes a turn completely opposite of that. Even with today's scientific advances, we, humans do not have God in a box. He continues to show His power and greatness in unpredictable weather patterns. If he can do it with wind and rain, why, then wouldn't we accept that he can do the same in our lives. Like thunder, He reminded He's in control of my life, too.
Confront the things that keep you motionless because of fear. I'm not talking about the big things. I am talking about the little subtle things that have an undercurrent of control in your life. I am facing the fact we pay too much for satellite, time to change companies. I am making routine doctors visits. I am facing our insurance company and changing many policies over to another. I've chosen just to bury my head in the sand and "hope" it goes away, doesn't mean it will. It was a startling revelation that until little things are conquered, they control.
Dear Lord, I ask for your hands and your heart, today. Please be with me and comfort me. Bless me with your peace. Protect me. Allow things to go with ease and without worry. Keep me from any stress or reason to be concerned. Help me conquer this mountain and keep the devil far from me. Allow the day to go through the motions, as always with this just being a pause on my schedule. Help me to be calm. Make hands be caring and gentle. Help me see you in all things. In your Son's name, I pray. Amen
Glad that is over. Now...moving on. My daughter likes to travel. I don't. She will be in the air soon going to Washington, DC. I have no idea why. Visiting friends. But it's cold, there, too. The only thing that motivates me to travel is a beach. I can be pursuaded by the heat, the sand, the sun, the blue water... Sorry, I digress...I feel like there are enough life adventures in daily life that 'wandering' is not necessary. I am a live out of the box kind of lady, but it doesn't involve traveling. Prayers, for her.
A man beat a 21 month old to death. Not just in my world. It happens all the time. I'd guess daily, a child dies at the hands of a beast of a person. I know God loves everyone. I know God offers his eternal hope to all. He does. I struggle with this. I believe in grace. I believe people make mistakes and God forgives. BUT. How is a person so hate-filled and angry that they inflict pain and agony on an innocent child? Children are precious. Someone would die to have the child they killed. It's wrong.
Politicians...aaaggghhhh!!! Can you see me running from the keyboard with my hands over my head as an expression of my horror. I'm disgusted. America applauded, because one candidate pulled an 'in your face' at a debate commentator who asked about his personal life. He was 'tooted' as having guts to stand up for himself and spout off like he did. Hmmmm...maybe? But my thought is....maybe he shouldn't have had a nasty past. Where are men of integrity who have no 'oopsies' in their lives to run our country? Forgive, forget, oh sure. Bring on a clear conscience.
I think therefore, I am. Didn't someone say that, already? I really am a thinker. And I am a dreamer. Those things together take up a lot of air space. I can't say I am quick at getting things done...I'm too busy thinking. I like to figure things out and I like to find solutions to people's problems. I want everyone in life to be A-ok, and in reality, that just isn't so. I'm quite comfortable with my space and my me time. I don't mind my thoughts. They usually consist of a dreamy way to fix things!
Life has entered into this rapid fire exuberant time. Yesterday I was bombarded with situations that made me stand back and scratch my head and think..."what just happened there?" Good things, interesting things, door opening type of things...am I premature to say that maybe the dark cloud has lifted, I've been cast out of the slimy pit, my wilderness days are over? Oh Lord, I pray it is now going to be a way of life. Maybe the grace that I've been so longing for has returned. I am pretty certain it began with a thing called attitude.
Sorry I'll say it, respect the position, America. State of the Union was last night. I didn't watch it all, just the beginning. I watched with pride as I think, how cool is it that I live in this country. I don't think our current President is perfect. I do believe he is still the president. How blessed our country is to be able to have such a governing body. I dislike politicians, I do. However, the other options in other countries isn't so promising. I'd advise anyone to respect our president. Regardless. God bless America, I'd live nowhere else.
That right punch came out of left field. Big account for my business called and we engage in a little 'confrontation'. As of this moment, I don't know if it will still be my account. Honestly, I won't be sad to see it go. No, seriously. It's as I have coined the phrase, perviously, "golden handcuffs". I jump through hoops to keep these people happy. In the meantime, I sacrifice my own personal safety and happiness and individual customer service for them to boss me around. Corporate America horror story at its finest in the making. You are not my boss.
Let's not teach anything that creates controversy in schools. MATH is safe! ENGLISH is safe! HISTORY taught with facts is safe! Let's leave out creationism, homosexuality, sex and religion--LET'S TEACH THAT STUFF IN THE HOMES, where each person can express their own opinions(because that is what each of the things listed are based on when they are taught). Yes including sex--I don't think my kids should have sex, someone might think it's ok, as long as it's 'safe' sex...OPINION. Teach those things with right and wrong answers ONLY, not gray...2+2=4.....no debating that!!
I'll go there. Sigh. A stressful week, mostly 'business' issues. Some relationship things sprinkled in, for good measure. Just when I think we've overcome, I realize we are still overcoming. The mood swings are really confusing for me. Have you ever heard the little poem, "...when she's good, she's really good and when she's bad, she's horrid"? Insert "he" meaning my husband. Same thing applies. On good days, I feel blessed. That feeling of, why has it been so hard for us to get along? Then, when the other one comes back, my heart hurts. Being consistent would be nice.
The person that I am is unique and complicated. I am an introvert with an out-going personality. I often long for the night-life, social life, that I do not have. That I've never had. But then, I am more than content being home, comfortable and cozy. I sometimes wonder if those who are out and about with loud crowds, secretly were wishing they were at home in their jammies. I suppose before I'm too old, I need to find the balance. I need a group to interact with socially, but don't want to be a bar fly, either.
Unseasonably warm today...woohoo. Let me contain my sadness as another day sneaks by without winter being brutal to my state...not! I despise the cold weather. I dislike traveling in it. I dislike being out in it. And I like being outside, so this poses a problem for me. Missing sunshine is my main complaint. The weather, here, also is annoyingly unpredictable. I have empathy for the weatherman. Lord knows, he tries. You just never know from day to day what will happen. Green with envy for those sunny states in which the forecast repeats: sunny, warm and mild.
Figuring something out, in my 'old age'. Problems that I have may be opportunities to humble myself to ask for and accept help--and in the meantime I'm blessing that person because it makes them feel useful and appreciated. Irritating frustration turned into golden opportunity!!Keeping in mind, I started yesterday filled with hope and optimism that everything was going to be ok. The first act of business was to start the delivery van..wa wa wa...dead battery. Did I want to cuss? Yes. However, my dad came to my rescue and he felt 'needed'. Life lesson #8,345.
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