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Be thankful. That is all. It got to be my own personal joke yesterday. But now that it has pierced my heart, I know why it happened. I went to a public bathroom. In that public bathroom it was (1) clean and (2) it had a hook for my purse. I said, "thank God." Then, I giggled. All day, I thought about that hook and how thankful I was that I didn't have to put my purse on the floor (I'm resourceful and wouldn't have done that--ick). I'm overcome with the notion to be thankful for the little things.
"The world needs doesn't need more Christian writers, it needs more writers who are Christian." (Sing it C.S. Lewis!)I get so tired of 'Christanese', Christian clothing, Christian coffee shops. Let's label ourselves so everyone will KNOW. I have one better, how about we act like 'one' so everyone will KNOW. Being a light in a dark place doesn't mean hiding in with other so called lights. Doesn't that mean we all just blend into one bright obnoxious spotlight? Back to writing...So, if I write a novel and it never mentions God, am I still a Christian writer?
Serendipity. I love, love, love that word. Just today I read a devotion about it. The word basically means the delightful "finding what you're not looking for."(From the book Horse-Feathers, by Charles Funk, excerpt from Daily Heartlight, November 3rd). I love living my life that way. I love it when it happens. I love unexpected things(when they are good). I love it when something happens that you know God had to have a hand in. And if you go out looking, you will find it more often than not. He is behind every serendipity moment you experience.
Luis Palau said, "the church is like manure. Spread it around, and it will give life, make things grow, and produce fruit. Keep it all piled up in one place, and it stinks!" Amen? Amen! I am a non-attender. I don't go. I do not want to go. Church. I think it is a gathering ground for people to become miniature clones of each other, hide from the rest of the world and spend so much time doing basket dinners they forget what the 'true commission' is. Loving God, seeking, experiencing, and loving others. That is my truest desire.
Silent scream...no, actually I think it managed to escape my lips. Let this entry provide a warning for anyone considering business ownership. It was 2:30, I was sneaking out the back door on a Friday...and I actually thought, "this seems way too easy." On my way to get my boy at school and start a work-free weekend. That didn't happen. A phone call. I was frustrated, disappointed and irritated. In a few minutes time, I went from FREE at last to working the entire weekend. That dream of being a business owner, is now a brat!
Don't look outside. Awfulness. Gray and rain. That bothers me. It looks bad. It makes the mood dip and adds to an already dreary day. I suppose, as with life, the rain must come. THAT is something I don't understand. Why there must be bouts of depression, weariness, fatigue, loneliness, and being gray. My life would be better with sunshine all the time. Laughter, positive, optimism, and hope. I suppose, the bad weather days make us stronger, so I hear. What if I don't want to be stronger, what if I prefer being weak in my happiness. Isn't that ok?
Another new start. I now I have a plan. I feel empowered by this plan. It is one that could be a beginning or it could be an end. Four months is what it will take to determine the next step of my journey. I am excited. At least I have an idea as to which way is up. It concerns the business, my career path and some serious decisions that can effect my financial path. It is the proverbial fork in the road but it suits me so much better than all this damn ambiguity that I cannot stand.
Ok, so...did I tell you already...? I'll repeat myself if I did...I'm that excited! I have a plan. A real true plan. It involves my business. It involves my life. It won't be an easy, simplistic approach, but I find great repreive in that I have made a plan. My daughter says I don't plan. My thoughts..why? Between my 'job' and kids and a husband's weird hours, plans only get broken. However, this new plan of mine, I am sticking with it! I have to, for my own sanity. It will take four months, that isn't long.
For those who think firefghting is such a heroic profession, I have a newsflash. It's really for egotistical assholes who have an adrenalin addiction. The wives of such professions are the heroes. Last night, my spouse chose not to call me, after he sat in the E.R. for three hours waiting for a blood test result to see if the patient had hepatitis. I don't believe I can describe in words how angry I was. It's the dignity and respect that lacked. Him making a choice based on ego. Guess it doesn't look macho if your wife is there...??
I've decided my 100 words social tasking site has become more like a daily journal. I guess that is ok, although not what I had intended. I've heard that as long as you are writing, that's what matters. I'm not about writing fiction. I just can't. I feel dirty, going there. Haha...I am pleased there are fiction writers, and good ones. I just am not one. I guess my life has enough stories in it, that is what I feel compelled to write about. I know there are stories to be told and sometimes make believe doesn't even compare.
Softness, a clique word in our house right now. Trying to regain ground lost from yet another argument, he went back to counseling. It is like something might have 'clicked' this time(fingers crossed). There's now a wild and frantic push to pull me back to the side of femininity, where I belong. I have had to be strong and tough for so long, I do not know if I can fall into this role. Most men want both, don't they? A tough woman who can do things for herself, but yet exhibit the essence of beauty and sweet submission.
Disagree. A man was arrested for selling a gun to a man that killed a police officer. His picture on the news was scary, he looked 'rough'. BUT, what about all the other gun sales in America, in which someone dies and the seller of the gun isn't held responsible? Were they making an example out of this guy because he looked like a criminal and the sell of the gun resulted in the death of a police officer? Guns are sold,legally and illegally, shouldn't the one who pulls the trigger be the only person responsible for the death?
I have a list, a real list. Not a bucket list, I prefer to think I'll never die. But it's my list of things to do before I'm too old. Here's a random few: Swim with the dolphins, have a Harley, watch eagles, visit random beaches,skinny dip, own a donkey, hang out with the Amish, run a (half)marathon, help the homeless, get a book published, chase rainbows, chase storms, go to Sturgis, train a dog to help people with disabilities or have an arson dog, sit in a café and drink wine all day and do motivational speaking.
Clean, I am obsessed with clean. Although I am not a fanatic house keeper, just clean enough. I like the smell of clean. I like the soothing feeling that comes with organization. I even made the daring statement once that if some of the houses I drive by would just take down their curtains and wash them, their homes would be a happier, healthier place. I even believe that some childhood illnesses could be eliminated with cleaner homes. In my life there is nothing better than a just- cleaned house and a Yankee candle burning...next best thing to heaven.
Going all kinds of spiritual on you today. Again, not religious, but living a personal relationship with my Man, Jesus. I have come to resent my business, today I think I stumbled and stubbed my toe on truth. I have been doing it for people. And people disappoint and can never be satisified, therefore...ta da, burnout. What I need to be doing is doing it 'unto the Lord'--which sounds all kinds of religious, so I'll say it this way, I need to be doing it 'for the Lord'. Amazing. Now, everything I do He will be with me. Amen!!!
Bailing on responsibility today. Hooray for me. Going to look for eagles. Yes, eagles. In the area that I live it has been said that eagles can be found nesting in several areas. I want to see them for the majesty that they create. I think it would be a shame to live 'around here' all my life and never go and seek these birds. I did a study years ago on eagles. The things they do, instinctively, wow's me. Their nests, their parenting skills, the very way they live is inspiring. Today I go out expecting to be awed.
Ok, just in case anyone reads this day to day. I saw one! I saw an eagle. I like to peg my experiences with a 'message'. So my message would be, if you go out looking, you might just find it right underneath your nose. My husband and I went to a couple remote locations to find an eagle. From one remote location to another took us out onto a busy well-traveled highway that I travel all the time because of the nature of my business. Want to guess? Yes, an eagle, sitting on a branch, waving at us.
I'm grossed out by trashy. Trashy women. Yes, I'll take this topic and run with it. First of all, when I see a woman exploiting her body, I feel repulsed, then I feel violated for our gender and then I feel sorry for them. I like to be sexy, don't get me wrong. I do. I do believe, however, you can be sexy and be a lady. I'm proud of the fact that my daughter is twenty and doesn't degrade herself to get a boyfriend. It's sad that any woman thinks she has to be a tramp to garner attention.
This weekend has been a blessing. I ended the week paying bills in whatever way I could(business and personal) and was determined I'd walk out of the flower shop owing no one anything and I completed that. I came home and cleaned(love candles burning in a clean house), my son's girlfriend visited. This morning, I'm pretending I don't own a business and instead drank coffee in bed and spent the lottery money I am going to win. It's fun to dream! Tonight a social event that doesn't thrill me, but jumping out of my box...tomorrow, I'm older!
Today is my day. Another year older. All nostalgic? Nah. I live each day as it comes, so what difference does another year older make? None. I like to ask rhetorical questions and then answer them myself. That's just who I am. Beyond it all, this is the one thing that I am learning and embracing about my life...to be myself and to enjoy who I am. Perfect, oh sure(rolling my eyes). No, I am delightfully imperfect. The most amazing feeling is when you shake hands with yourself and make peace with the person that resides within you.
God will woo and romance you. He is so in love with you, that he sends your favorite song on the radio, a beautiful sunset, or "Jesus loves You" written in graffitti so you'll see it, random little thing. If you watch and are aware of it, He will speak through those things to reassure you of His love affair with you. He knows these personal things about you and is interested in what makes your heart flutter. His love overpowers so much 'wrongness' in our lives, our largest victory is to realize just how very intense that love is.
I think I'm having a phone basket at my Thanksgiving day table, this year. I'll ask each of my guests to gently deposit their cell phones into a basket to be retrieved after the dinner is over. Not a bad idea. I find it ridiculous. We text each other while we are in the same house. I was envisioning my 'decadent' meal the other day with choice members of my family sitting around the table with their phones out. It's annoying. No wonder families have trouble getting along. Speaking to one another is an amazing concept for keeping relationships alive.
Not really Thanksgiving, is it? Almost.I am bringing to the table a thankful heart this year. Too many holidays filled with too much stress. I kind of wish those coming to my house would adopt the same attitude. It seems like those around me have really been filled with ingratitude and a critical spirit, lately. I just know when things are crappy, there is still a reason to be thankful. I've lived that. It may be right in front of you or you might have to dig deep, but there is always, always, always something to be thankful for...
Two entries for Thanksgiving? Why not. I am thankful, I pray anyone reading this has at least one reason to be thankful. Breaks my heart to think of people who have to struggle to find anything to appreciate. I am thankful for: my kids, my marriage that is undergoing restoration, my furry friends at my home, my family, despite its overwhelming dysfunction at the holidays, for my mom still being with us, extra money that has shown up at the right time, living in the country, my middle aged appearance, my relationship with Jesus and for being able to write.
The day after....Diet, maybe? I always seem to have some monkey on my back. Finances usually wear me out, but recently it has been body 'shape'. I'm not fat. I'm not skinny...curves, yes. I wish I could learn to like that. I desire 'fit' more so than curves, but with a slower metabolism, even running doesn't seem to make me look like an athlete. Acceptance is key, I'd preach that to anyone, but deep down inside is this 'thorn' that embeds itself within my soul to say, "you are fat." It's annoying. I hate the D(diet) word.
Needed: A passionate individual to be my friend. Oh again, that makes me giggle. I am seriously desiring a person to be my friend. My daughter is my best friend,now. However, when she gets married, I want to be happy for her, not sad that I'm losing my BFF! I have acquaintances, but no 'real' friend. Here's what I want: someone who believes in God and incorporates that into her life, someone who has been knocked around by life but is still standing, a great sense of humor, adventurous, lively, has a strong marriage, and is a risk taker.
Now that Black Friday is over, I can express my discontent. I think it is the most ridiculous tradition Americans embark on. Ridiculous and embarassing. Imagine someone from another country observing our news reports about Black Friday event. I'm sure they'd conclude some very negative traits exist with Americans, like greedy, indulgent, impulsive, living in luxury, and anything else bad associated with money and buying could be listed here. The general public is rude anyway, add to that a coupon and a competitive attitude and it makes for one nasty display of humanity. I am embarassed. I dislike Black Friday!
I'll take a frustrated cocktail with a dash of anger. That is how I am. When I am frustrated I am angry. When I'm angry I'm frustrated. I don't like being angry. I think it is such an unpleasant trait.I'm also a tea pot. I explode when I have been on simmer. Not very pretty. I feel guilt when I have had one of my fits. I guess it does a body good, I'm not sure. Can't keep it in forever, right. I'm usually a nice person, does that count? Self control might be a better way to live.
Someone on everyone's favorite social page posted about how we need to make prisoners stay in nursing homes and those in nursing homes need to be moved to prisons. Its point was that prisoners are taken better care of than folks in nursing homes. I agree. I could take this either way but am running out of words. Our society does take poor care of our elderly, in general. And although I believe no person should be abused or mistreated, those in prisons do have decent care. Afterall, prisoners have rights. Elderly are discarded, it shames me. Aging, a crime?
Is this the end of another month? Wow! And into the Christmas Season we go. I'm under-prepared. I look at my growing December calendar and think...how do you add that much stuff to an already-running-to keep-up schedule? I have to lean on the "Reason for the Season", that is imperative. I pray in the morning I'll be able to accomplish the tasks at hand. I wish Christmas would go back to days of old. I don't see that happening. By preparing for a month, I think it takes away from the preciousness of the moment.
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