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I need a break. I want God to open my eyes to see a 'real' need. A way my energy and passion can be used to sincerely help someone, that will give me a break from the draining demands of people, business-related decision making and the pressures of life. I want my heart to break for the things, for the people or person that breaks the heart of God and then be given/shown a way I can help. I want the petty demands to end and the ones that matter to become a priority. Use ME God..please!
Work is exhausting. Owning your own business, demanding. I worked 'til 2 A.M. the other morning to make sure all the orders were filled. Myself and two dedicated employees. Did we deliver funeral flowers at midnight? You bet we did! I'm certain most people have no clue the labor-intensive work that is involved in a flower shop. It is more than sticking pretty flowers in a vase. It is back breaking. Details prevail. There is so much to designing,filling an order and then making sure it is delivered on time, where it needs to be. I'm tired.
All work and no play...well, you know what they say. That is me! I don't know when I developed this annoying life style of thinking that striving should fill every minute of my life. Yes, I do. When I became a business owner. Now, enough is never enough. On days off/time off my brain constantly ponders how to improve, what needs to be done, what could be done differently. I need to stop. I need to play, have fun. I am pretty sure I'd need to take self-help classes for me to learn to have fun, again.
"Waiting on a star to fall...." some random song lyrics from the 80's. I did like that song. Anyway...I had to work late the other night. On my way home, I saw the most text book example of a falling star. It literally took my breath away. I can remember seeing one other, but it wasn't quite as vibrant as this one. I didn't know what to wish for. I had seen a falling star, wasn't that enough? I am still mesmerized by that moment. It was like it was let go from the heavens, just for me. Awesome!
His hand he stretches out, but it is empty. Years of neglect, impatience and failing to connect can't seem to be repaired. We are fighting...for what? I am tired. The questions, my insight, those feelings that won't go away. Why? Will I ever know? Is staying the best thing to do when you're broken hearted? Maybe not best, but appropriate. I guess being appropriate comes with a cost. Is feeling this way worth it? The charade gets more difficult. The roller coaster ride of emotions gets more intense. Is it more healthy to call a truce and admit defeat?
I live in rural America. Thank God. No seriously, I am so blessed (despite the brutal winters) to live exactly where I do. I went for my evening run...and I walked, instead. I did not want to speed it along. I wanted to capture everything my senses could grab. I admired the farm trucks that were in my way and had to step over remnants of shelled corn. Farmers, a disregarded profession, but the magnitude of their work is beyond phenomenal. It is almost a surreal environment to see the combines in fields at night, under the harvest moon.
Yesterday I discovered a couple keys to life that helped unlock doors. I truly lived the notion that you can enjoy your day despite, lists, demands and responsibilities. I love warm weather and bright sunshine. I realized that yesterday's summer-like weather was a gift. These days are few and far between. I took a window of time for me to enjoy it. It was liberating. I am slowly learning that not everything has to be completed in order for me to enjoy life. I also savored the notion that no person or no thing is worth stealing my peace.
Death's sting is sudden, hard and unexpected. It is so ugly. The actual deceased person, I didn't know that well, but his daughter is my 'right hand woman'. That is what I call her. She assists me in my business. I realize her worth every day. He died in his sleep. As someone called it, "A King's Death". So peaceful for them, but so difficult for the family. No time to watch, no time to worry, no time to wait. Isn't that what death does? It kills, it steals, it destroys. Broken hearts, tears, and frustration...I ache, for them.
Vibrant yellow, hues of orange, brilliant morning sun shining like a beacon on the trees. The faint whiff of a smoldering fire that burned leaves the day before. Sleepy dogs laying peacefully on the front porch. Half-harvested bean fields and corn fields as far as the eye can see. There's a thin 'fog' from moisture mixing with gravel roads hanging in the cool morning air. A walnut falls from the tree and disturbs the silence. Summer passes, Fall is alive and well in the rural scene in which I live my life. I am in love with it all!
I think I'm beginning to understand. I see things some people don't see and I hear things other people don't hear. I perceive things differently and I think way too much. I have an opinion about almost everything--but--am very guarded as to when and to whom I will share it. In Christian circles it is called discernment, and I will call it insight. I have an unusual and uncanny way of seeing straight through people. I know when people are lying to me. I sometimes know things before they happen. It's difficult, because then I fret and worry.
My daughter, my mess maker, made chocolate chip cookies last night. They were probably some of the best chocolate chip cookies I have ever eaten. I am a cookie connoisseur. By far, one of my favorite foods are chocolate chip cookies. These were grand champions. Thick, not flat like pancakes, evenly browned, lots of milk chocolate chips in each, chewy not hard. I'm not sure what it is about these cookies that I love so much, except I do. I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I've had three already and it isn't even 7 A.M. Breakfast for champions!
Has anyone else...hello...anyone out there...ever been through this? I would love to talk to you. When you are grasping onto the legs of furniture in order to preserve your sanity in a marriage that is dying, you realize how helpful someone who has been there, done that could be. Determined, as you've read before. We have committed. We are keeping our vows, but in the meantime, part of you dies. Half of the world says, "throw in the towel." The other half says, "'til death do us part." I don't listen, I just need survival tactics...now!
Have you ever thought there was another person living inside you just dying to get out, without being clinically diagnoses as bipolar? I'm not. Bipolar, that is. My prayers for those who are. I'm not taking the condition lightly when I mention it. Explanation: I am truly a soft, gentle, caring, giving, loving, and compassionate person. The person that faces my life everyday is hasty, rushed, irritated, frustrated and defensive. I think I know why...how do I change it? My husband(without placing blame) has made me build walls and retreat from facing those who need me the most.
Friday! Rejoice. I'm not as excited as most people for a few reasons. I don't get a paycheck, I usually have to work on Saturday maybe Sunday and I'm not good at just slacking off, so weekends just mean more work. I want to be a slacker, maybe one day. Stay in my pajamas all day, eat ice cream on the couch, do nothing but watch TV, sleep 'til noon. Maybe one day. Funny, I am not a Type A personality.I'm not a 'driven' person. I am not hyper. I am not. I always just find stuff to do.
The 15th of the month reminds me there's a hated house payment due. We moved from this house to live in our 'dream home'. We thought we had it sold, it fell through, we have rented it ever since. It has been empty since May, we pay two mortgages. Here is how the ad to sell it should read: Please buy our country home. It's a pain in our ass. It's a nice house that needs TLC. No it isn't a mansion, we are asking $75,000 if you want the Taj Mahal, go look at $500,000 homes. Thanks.
There is nothing solved by a bottle. I drink wine. I like the way it tastes. I like the way it takes the edge off. Judge alcoholics, no way. I realize with every sip how easy it would be, to become a social drinker, and then a closet alcoholic. I fear drinking. I do. I never have a drink anywhere and then drive. I think it is such an injustice for others to take that kind of responsibility into their own hands. And the sobering realization of lives lost due to such a casual attitude about it. Epidemic, America...epidemic.
Joy thieves. Do you realize how when little things upset and frazzle you, they are stealing your peace and joy from you? It's frustrating, but something I'm learning better to manage. If you take a long look at the things that irritate you, you'd almost laugh when you realize you let THAT take something as precious as your joy from you. It gives THAT control over your life. A bad driver, a rude clerk, a jerk co-worker, a non-attentive husband, a past due bill...stop, breathe, ask yourself...are they really worth it? I'm preaching to the choir.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word...really? I'd take any word at this point in time. Some women cheat for sex, sorry, it wouldn't be my motivating factor....mine would be for words. You laughed. But I'm serious as hell. My husband has decided that withholding deep, personal conversation from me, is the way to go. I decided, since every word creates an argument, why speak? That works until crisis hits like a vehicle breaking down. Then, you are forced to talk. "Practical conversation", what it takes to get through the day, nothing more. So, how is the weather?
Good morning. Early. I like the early hours. I was just sitting here realizing what a humbling experience it is to be transformed into this person called, "me". Keep in mind, and I wish I could tell the world, so they wouldn't think they were going crazy, is that it hasn't all been easy. Matter of fact, life right now, is really difficult. BUT, when I stop and think about all the ways I am one step closer to truly being "me", the person I was originally created to be, it almost brings me to tears. How? With God's hands.
I think it has reached a new level of psychosis. This relationship. How two people can be 'getting along' and within 6 hours, a fight erupt. An argument, about the same things we have argued about for 23 years. It is beyond something I could ever explain or imagine. To the point of thinking...could something be 'wrong' that I'm not seeing? Seriously, how can someone change like the flip of a switch. I just keep thinking it is the ups and downs of a mid-life relationship, but even reading through old entries, I am thinking...is this real?
Who cares? No, I mean really. Our culture has set so many roadblocks in place for truly caring about others. Neighbors, aren't neighbors, they are nuisances. We move so much, we put up large fences, we join the force to be non-approachable instead of friendly. And isn't it lonely living this way? I think so. I am guilty, I pay a lot of money to have NO neighbors. We isolate ourselves, to protect ourselves, but are we? We don't want to be 'bothered'. Deep down inside we long to hear the doorbell and see an uninvited casserole waiting there.
Just trying to hang on. Frustrated beyond measure. I don't know which way to turn or what to do. I do know this, one of these days (that phrase has so much hope in it)...one of these days, I'm going to look back and say, "I know exactly why these things happened." And yes, there will be reasons. I will be able to happily place puzzle pieces together, nodding in affirmation and saying, "yes, I see that now, now I understand, oh, that is why I went through that." If I wait, watch and listen, it will be revealed.
Take time. I am impatient. I hate it. Haste makes waste. I wish I was a slow moving individual. I am not. Maybe one day. I know when I get in a hurry I get agitated. Act in ways I shouldn't. Some people live to provoke those in a hurry and others simply can't help it. God, don't pray for patience. Then, you will meet up with every slow car, every new sales clerk, every long line...always. Maybe it is just a season of life I am in and it too, shall pass. I hate being in a hurry.
There is a thing called love. Blah. That is how I feel endlessly stuck in a rut. I watch (sometimes ridiculous) dating shows and think...there is no way I want to do that, again; but then something inside me is jealous. The laughter, the attentive listening, open-ended questions, the chemistry. Yes, that I miss. Maybe it isn't supposed to be like that forever. Maybe I am just not accepting life as it comes. Maybe I need to just be content and stop wishing. Maybe. This ol' heart of mine, just doesn't seem to be ok with status quo.
Just sad. I am replacing the anger that burns my insides with simply sadness. It is more profound to those around you to say, "My marriage makes me sad," instead of "my husband makes me mad." Being mad and angry bring negative connotations. Being sad garners sympathy. And you know, I do feel grief. It's a grief no one wants to confess or admit. Death of a relationship. Death of feelings. Death of respect. It is gone. Send flowers, write a eulogy, bring dinner, send a card...my heart is dying. I am sad for the love that has died.
Evening time and I'm writing. That's odd. I usually do my thing in the morning. I am not a routine person. I don't plan. I don't schedule things. However, I don't like surprises. I don't like the unexpected. I don't like flying by the seat of my pants. My reasons for living this 'conflicted' life style is this: things happen. Primarliy kids and a spouse's job. Kids have things happen, I must remain flexible. My husband works 24 hours on/48 hours off, it keeps a schedule in chaos. So,the seat of my pants, yeah....hooked to a 747.
Alright, maybe it isn't so much a fly by the seat of my pants. Maybe I walk more in faith than I give myself credit for. When you have a relationship with Jesus, you don't make your own plans, because He directs your path. I know if you don't know Him, you might be skeptical. I understand, I do. But in my heart, as I grow and mature, I do realize that some days I have nothing to do with where God wants me to be, who He wants me to be with and what problems He hands to me.
What the world needs now is love sweet love...(if you are near my age, you will be humming along with those words). I loved that song as a child, skipped down the sidewalk singing it. And I must have believed it. I do believe the world needs love. My skeptics say, "you can't save the world." But, injustices irritate me. And on a more ironic note, for many of my married years, my marriage could have used some more 'love sweet love'. I hold on, though. I still believe. So, my vision remains large. And my heart remains soft.
Boo! Almost Halloween. I'm not big into trick or treating. Living 'rural', you don't get 'hit up' by hungry candy munchers. Parents would have to have GPS and a lot of gas to make it to our house. I didn't like dressing my kids up, either, and hauling them from house to house. Yes, being a Chirstian, at one time I am embarassed to admit, I engaged in conversations about whether it was acceptable to celebrate an evil holiday...ok, whatever (rolling my eyes at myself). Not morally checking out on it, just not impressed with it, that is all.
What if I see people as God sees them? What if the more He tenderizes my heart, I see others as He would? I quickly confessed, that not everyone I see, do I like, my mother in law, for example. His response seemed to be: I love her,of course, but don't you think when she makes you mad, she might make me mad, too? I have a really sheered conscience, meaning, I feel guilty, quickly if I have treated someone poorly. I wonder if that's God saying..."Is that how I would have treated them?" That might explain IT.
Ending one month..moving on. I wish things didn't advance so quickly. I know, the older you get, the more quickly 'it' goes. Blah, blah, I hate cliche's. But, (sigh), this one just happens to be true. The kids aren't little long, seasons come and go with gusto...and what's that?...oh crap, November brings with it another birthday. Sometimes I try to forget how old I am. No, really, I have to 'do the math', subtracting my birth year with the current year. And every time I get a calculator just to be sure. Hitting pause, that is all.
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