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You want my heart? Here it is. I feel so lonely even while committed. I know that isn't uncommon, but I feel so bad and so condemned. I want to feel that love that only is talked about in fairy tales. I want to know what love is, as the song says. It just seems like a wish, a fantasy, a never to be lived dream. I don't know what caused it, I'm not sure if it was ever there. I don't know why. It smothers, it haunts and it hurts. Love that isn't there. Nothing seems to change. Alone.
Married. And true to vows. But the heart screams. I believe in God. I believe in what he says about divorce. Can He fix it, will He fix it?It has been a long time. We both know we just can't get along. It isn't the bloody red indiscretions of adultery, abuse, drugs, alcohol, porn or gambling. Just two people who have grown to see the world from two different eyes. We are devoted. We are connected. The kids glue. We hope. We long but deep down inside I'm sure we both say, will I ever feel 'that' again? Amen.
And while I am at it. I tell my kids now, pick your mother in law, first. I have lived this. Thinking when I had heard she was a difficult person, that I'd win her over. For years we were fine, because I chose to be WHO she wanted me to be. At 40, I discovered this person was inside of me dying to get out. Life changed. Sure she doesn't understand. I don't want to be her puppet. MIL, if you read this..don't tell me my 3 year old daughter is fat,ever. I hate you for that.
Flowers surround me. Their beauty. Why is it so hard. I've been told the enemy of our souls hates things that are beautiful. Ponder that. Anything of beauty is going to face opposition. They bring beauty to a funeral. They bring beauty in a gray hospital room. They cheer up sad days. Maybe. It is a theory I like. Because for the life of me I don't know how come so much drama and suffering can come from a flower shop on Main St. USA. Naive about business ownership. But, really? One would never imagine the frustration in some days.
ACHE. I do. My daughter. 20 now. Not a baby. She's gone. I am blessed. Not to be with the Lord, but just to Chicago. But what about me? I am her friend. I am her buddy. She makes me smile. She brings hope. She is filled with optimism and life. Her energy is contagious. She opens her heart. People like her. She is a magnet for good things. I want that. Did I teach her that? Can I have it back? (giggle). I wish her wings. Her life is amazing. Baby curls and lots of pink. I miss her.
The fantasy of a motorcycle. Yep, that is my juicy dream. I do think of it as a little rebellious and sometimes not so nice. It just ISN'T me. I like the heat, the speed, the tattoos, the leather, the freedom, the fun! I used to be afraid of motorcycles. When I was young, I had a dream a 'dirty' man was chasing me through the woods on one. Funny how a nightmare turns into a fantasy. My one hurdle: a budget. I don't want to be a senior citizen on a bike with three wheels. One of these days...
Haters gonna hate...I hate drama. I hate gossip. I hate rudeness. I hate child abuse. I hate large crowds. I hate bills. I hate sub zero temperatures. I hate expensive coffee. I hate fake. I hate hunger in the USA. I hate negativity. I hate lazy. I hates snakes. I hate apathy. I hate those who feel entitled. I hate canned spaghetti sauce. I hate fast food restaurants. I hate obnoxious. I being in a hurry. I hate being late. I hate not celebrating on holidays. I hate mean people. I hate drugs. I hate war. I hate hate.
It's the back and forth that kills me. The "yes, I can do this...I can stay married." Then something happens and you think and say, "not one more day." Being in business..."I can make this work and still love it."But then the demands and stress arise and I say, "let me out of this, NOW!!" Feeling like a ping pong ball. Marriage, I like him when I'm not with him. Then, when we are together, we can't get along. Business is ok. But then problems and pressures and I ask "what in the hell am I doing?"
I love MY God. I believe He loves everyone else(and me, too!). I am not a good religious person. Churches don't like me. I believe Jesus is real. I love His life. He was about scandal. He offended the religious. He loved the outcasts, sinners, losers, prostitutes, the sick, the lepers. I run into those everyday. I don't want to have to adhere to a bunch of ethical codes to try to be Holy. I want to love others. I want to do that with respect and dignity. I want to extend myself to others by simply being me.
I have a son, too. He is a delight. He is sensitive. He is a leader. Always has been. Ornery. Oh the things he does to make me laugh. He has seen adversity and continues to kick its butt. Doesn't like the drama girls create. He has a lot of me in him. He has a soft heart. He likes to write. Quiet and reserved. He is a friend to many. He has a huge heart. Loves his country. Walks the line. He loves my cooking. He is a good boy.I am forever thankful to God for my son.
The sun and summer are my friends. I live in the country. It is easy to love it. Butterflies dance. The grass smells so good. Fireflies. Crickets. Long walks. A big porch. Lots of iced tea. The quiet of it all. Wildflowers along the road. Sunsets...mmmmm.yes, sunsets and sunrises. A neighbors pond and its ducks. Never mind, I have my own ducks. I like the back deck and our modest pool. Thunderstorms, rainbows. Fairs. Deer in the field. I just love summer. I like the heat. I am having a scandalous love affair with the summer. Feeling alive!
Freedom. People despise it or love it. Those who are bound by their own prisons hate it. Those who finally found a way to break free know there could be no other life for them. What are our shackles? Addictions, fears, rules, rituals, opinions of others, self-absorption and self preservation top the list. Who made it law that we have to mow our grass every Saturday and keep our lawn tidy? Who said I can't have a tattoo...respectful women don't do that? Really? I'm free, I am thankful to admit. Still waiting for parole? I'll pray for you.
Stress is like a thief. It sneaks up. Steals your peace and before you know it you are caught up in the anxiety of it all. I dislike having stress. It is like your mind knows what it does to your body and personality. But when you try to stop it, it is like it rises up like a wave and consumes you. Is it possible to have life without stress? I wonder. I feel like there is always a reason to have stress. It is all in your perspective. I seek peace, but it runs and hides from me.
Save your judgement for someone who cares? I am so disgusted at small people with small minds. I know since we are all now politically correct and accept everything, that none of us are like that(rolling eyes). I witness judgement, discrimination, intolerance, condemnation everyday. Want to know primarily from whom? I'm going to say it...don't kill the messenger. Church people. I didn't say TRUE Christians(we can talk about that later). Those pious, arrogant, self-righteous who use their salvation as a ruler to judge all those who enter their path. Ask me, I know, I was one....
I have one of THOSE brains. I am sure most that write, do. I feel validated by that. My brain never sleeps, rests or stops. I am a thinker by nature. I am always trying to figure something out. I don't mean scientifically, but more philosophically. I'm deep. I don't always mean to be. I wish I were just one of those 'normal' blondes, I am not. I am certain being Christian equates to... we won't always know it all. That is where trust and faith are developed. I am praying my brain gives me an "ah ha" moment. Soon.
Have you ever been around people who are negative all the time? I am. I am pleased to share. It is like a hose shoved somewhere in your body(lets say in your nose, for all intent and purpose) and it literally drains the life out of you. You keep thinking your little light is going to shine so bright it blinds them, but NO, somehow the negativity is a stronger force; THAT I don't understand. If around it long you feel beaten up, worn down, and depressed. I am on a warpath to find a way to beat this.
I enjoy Sunday mornings. My old dependable computer. A powdered sugar doughnut, a cup of coffee, a candle burning, quietness. I have nowhere to be. No agenda or schedule screaming in my face. I don't go to church but I set aside to be spend with my God. Pray. Study the bible. Look out my window. Sunday mornings just seem to refresh my soul. I think it is because it is a time I can be selfish with my time and my time with God. He is worth it. I go with fierce determination all week long. I deserve this.
Funeral day. Not good. I've always resisted going to funerals when I didn't really 'know' the person. My thought: if I didn't take the time to know them alive, why do I want to share in the grief of them being gone? Community. Line of duty death. Hits home in a public servant family. Just out doing what he does for a living. And he dies. Dirt bag that shot him a repeat offender. Our justice system fails. When a man in a robe cannot protect the ones with the badge and a gun, justice fails. We all should weep.
Protestors threatened to come to a fallen police officers funeral. Disgraceful. It sent fire through my veins. What really irritates me are those who say, ignore them. Why do those who are in the WRONG get to express themselves and the ones who are right have be quiet? Jesus expressed righteous anger. When his temple was turned into a den of thieves, he cracked the whip, turned over tables and ran them out. I am sick of being irritated at things like slow lines in Wal Mart and choosing to remain silent in times like this because of political correctness.
He wears a kilt. That is right. A kilt. My Italian-born and raised husband wears a kilt. It started as a personal joke, and has ended in a 8+ member fire department bagpipe and drum band. I know it shows our extreme differences. Me, I am praying for a Harley and he reluctantly joined me at a Metallica concert. So ok, does this send our therapist into therapy? Probably. I tell him he'll have to lose the kilt to ride my Harley. He tells me that there will no leather chaps at the events he is playing at.....? Sigh.
Does money grow on trees? I wish an orchard was in my back yard. I just read a line from a song that said, "you have to spend your last penny before you make a million." I sure hope so. Buying a small business has had it share of challenges, but paying the bills is by far the largest challenge. And funny how money controls so much. I am not a needy, materialistic person, thank GOD. We are placing most of our extra income into paying bills for the slow business time. And to know you work for free..frustrating!
I am most certain God loves everyone. That is a stretch for many of the groups of religous people I have been around. I like to classify myself as a Christian who loves Jesus who doesn't go to church. If people only knew the immensity of the love that God has for them, the world would change. Wars would end, hunger would be eliminated, selfishness would no longer exists, hope would be restored and love would abound. It isn't fairty tale, folks. It is real. Believing in and having faith in God isn't a genie in a bottle. It's love.
A life changing question for me, when I turned 40: "Would you like strawberries or blueberries on your cheesecake?" I didn't know the anwser. At that moment I realized I had spent my life making decisions for everyone else and lost a part of me in the process. I didn't have likes or dreams or hopes or aspirations. I floated through each day. Scary. I started keeping a list of things I wanted to do before I was too old. I started being very firm, not wishy washy about what I liked. I realized this life was for me, too!
There is a word that keeps traveling through my mind when dealing with the general public on a daily basis. Entitled. Who do peple think they are? If you have never had to deal with the public, lucky you! However, if you are in the general public and have no idea of how demanding and ridiculous you can be, this thought is for you...BE NICE! Manners are gone, demanding is vogue. That mentality of the customer is always right, is wrong. Bad customers take away time for the ones that deserve it. This is an epidemic in our country.
Taking care of the children rests heavy on my heart. I have two. If I receive no other awards on earth, raising good kids is something I am most proud of. How? What is the secret? Time and sacrifice. I placed the marketing degree in the closet and forgot about a career, while my children were young. I didn't retrun to the work force until they were in high school and junior high. Maybe still not old enough. Children need their parents. Not daycare workers, ouch, sorry, but truth. We all need to realize what a gift our chidlren are.
...These area few of my favorite things: raindrops on roses, no seriously. I love black coffee, the cheaper the better; the movies Chocolat and Elf; bright and hot sunshine; buttterflies; animals of all kinds; motorcycles; wine; Jeep; country living; babies; pink (with some black); non-fiction books; writing; funny people; walking/running; uninhibited people; sleeping in my own bed at night; front porches; rainbows; shooting stars; things that sparkle; hard rock; warm breezes blowing my hair; smiley faces; God(Love Him!); grace; covered bridges; the ocean; fireflies; acrylic nails(in red); entertaining people; my kids; good manners and being alive!
There are few less powerful things in this world than words. Words can build up. Words can tear down. Remember when someone made fun of you as a child? Remember when someone told you were beautiful? I am still amazed as I am one of the ones, like you, that enjoy meandering on the playground of words, with speaking and with writing, how very powerful they can be. I see it all the time. I try to be careful how I choose my words because scars still remain where they have damaged my soul. More powerful than any force: words.
Have you ever had one of those experiences that just left you scratching yoru head? God whispers, little things that make you take notice. I remember when my son was younger, he was awaiting medical testing to see if his seizures were no longer a part of his life. A lady in a craft store walked up to him and asked if she could give him a kiss. As a protective mother, this request was a challenge. But I let her. Angel in disguise. I am certain. And yes, the doctors later described my son as a miracle. I believe.
Pardon me if I step out of the politically correct box for a minute. Why does our country choose to reward bad behavior? I am a small business owner, my husband is a professional firefighter, we work, we work hard, we pay our bills (even when it is difficult). We have many medical bills for my son who has a 'condition'(and we have insurance--what a joke--co-pay, deductibles, out-of-network). What I don't understand is if you
not to work (not those who do not choose unemployment)your child's health care is FREE.
Overwhelming for middle age. All the new technology, that is amazing, for that 'other' generation...but me, I tarry along, happy to have dial up(don't laugh, we live in the country...way out in the country); a flip phone and GPS that usually is in my glove box. My brother pulls out his ipad, which is connected to his iphone and I'm pretty sure he'd have a Kindle, if he liked to read.Will the rate of technological advancements keep traveling at such a rapid speed? Will it stop and catch its breath? Maybe CPR for both of us?
Someone who is a cynic told me that the Happily Ever After world in which I live doesn't exist. I exclaimed, "Baloney!". This person sneered and said, "really... butterflies, rainbows, puppy dogs, bunnies, shiny/sparkly things, and love(they said with a sarcastic tone) make the world go 'round? You believe that?" I said, "I do." Isn't it easier to believe the good, nice, pretty, gentle things win, in the end? I choose to believe that good things happen to those who believe and miracles should be a household world. I'll keep my Fairy Tale existence and choose to believe.
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