REPORT A PROBLEM
JRL-Extensive work,angst,you understand only my body undressed.Sweeping in, a buyer searching a deal,your purchase older;tired,yet ready to feel.I succumb to innate, aware it's too late-allocating time for nostalgia,bathing in memoirs of my prime.Either you or another,tis time to recover, though I know I'll suffer. Care not,lost in moments forever mine, always ready to surface when days are long; meek-If I leave you one faint, fragile kiss,twas never my intention, seeking convention.Abundances of time stolen making right,the short time with you- my void course has turned into light.
I saw your profile, they told me what your about- your baggage unspeakably heavy and your sirname; change but a letter equals louse. Degrees and intelligence go hand in hand, but common sense seems not my friend. Anywhere I point there is blame to be found, but in the mirror I should have looked before rolling around with a louse. Stare at the phone ring it does not, yet I think about you constantly, your smile and your ......So be it you that's the solopsist? Then who is the louse? Perhaps I should check the rooms in my own house. Ameliorated.
Never did I see a rainbow;such magnitude, bright red into deep violet- glistening natural prism proving that what we cannot always see does'nt mean it isn't always there.That was last Thursday; my mind lost in wonderment- "Did he see it too?"- All I could think was I want to share it with you. That call, how ironic, that you said to me...."Did you see that rainbow!!Two people in awe, yet you're so far away from me. Two people, one big sky, staring up into the same place in time; still- so far away from me.
Forgive me if it's all too much, what I'm about to say; Honestly, I never imagined,I could feel this way. Ready or not it's here,I'm throwing out my fear, It's Impossible to hide; this passion inside. This morning I awoke in a dream,And to you this I swear,Gravity has dissapeared, And All day I've been walking on air. You're my beacon of hope, My source of light, And I don't want to let go, After you've held me through the night. I'm So afraid, Yet So ALIVE,Thank you J, You brought me back to life.
Ironic, only yesterday, I painted you with adoring words,Today However, more approriate-would be something like spoiled food. So; I walked on air yesterday -Goodie for me. Perhaps you left for work smiling; happy, but really thinking-what a fool is she! Beware of number eight, This I know,abandoning my judgement, into your arms I fell. With you, now I question, would I ever play that game, A game proving trust and protection; You'd let me fall all the same. Your tricks are old; baby stuff, AND a TOTAL BORE- In the end it's YOU Who'll end up poor.
Can't focus- can't do all the things that must be done. My head is in the clouds and I can't come down. Twisted inside because I'm feeling left out, attack is coming on and I'm all pilled out. Mutual, that word goes well with respect, why does it seem to not come from you, what the heck? In and out, quicker than a speeding train, HOW DESPERATELY Do I WANT SOMEONE TO BLAME! But there's only me- how the hell do I set myself free, from my own rants and raves, It seems impossible, like trying to stop crashing waves.
Little things. That photo you took at the park, because my hair fell a certain way over the bench. I waited forever for someone to really look at me, want to do that. The coffee in bed. Your reaction when I arrive. It seems so innate, I'm standing but a foot away, and you, you practically run; grab me; kiss me. These little things, how'd you know? I've longed for them all my life. An angel must have whispered my deepest wishes to you during a dream; you epitomize so much I began believing would never happen. I'm smitten kitten.
Drinking instead of thinking. Final exam, Future in my hands, could be the end of my masters, yet I'm lost in something else I'm after. ASL, their culture; style of life, so much different, closer knit, communicative, less strife. Intermittently glancing over at the cell, makes you feel like total hell, no little mailbox at the right to let me know you called tonight. It's all B.S. Who gives a shit, As long as tonight I don't get too lit, tomorrow will go as it should, I'll get through the day with or without you. And to think I cared….
Carpe Diem they say, so I played it that way. But here it is, all I have to say, This month of May, I still will dedicate to J. It's my own fault I set the precedent and now he has proven his selfishness so whatever, I care not if he doesn't come around. A little play is always fun and if you think I wanted more, well I changed my mind, with that I'm done. The stress is dissipating I got through my final exam so take your trailer and crappy car and drive it till it dies away.
Let it be, this shall cease to bother me. Today I received rave reviews for my work, perhaps that's all I needed to forget about that jerk. Casual, fine, but when it comes to respect, you've committed the crime. So let it be C, he's just another notch, not worth the time on my watch. I'm greater today in so many ways, then I was only yesterday. Today I'm walking on the water, because I know that my life's in its natural order. Love is not a feeling, it's a behavior someone said, this saying runs rampant through my head.
Flugens. Sometimes we must fresco a sublime yet manicured dissention in order to achieve what we most feverishly desire. It takes more than vigilance, you put your ass on the line and hope the tempest will pass, the person will become mystified rather than disconcerted and your tapestry will be beautiful. Tis ornate this life, a symphony of truths and untruths. Might it all be fueled by desire then so be it. I took the chance and I impatiently await results. In the meantime I wish I had said, hang that dreamcatcher above your bed. Create the liaison, I'm waiting.
Trees sway, such an ordinary day, My sight is returning though my eyes are burning; knowing what I feel cannot manifest into what I'd consider worthy; what brings happiness. To everything there is a season, in this season I have chosen confession, for that's my way of making such concessions. Timing was never on my side but there must be some grand plan that from this I will find. When the window opens perhaps something needed, something worthy will surface. Until then sweet friend, you make me nervous. Run away or stay, it still acts itself out like a play.
Don't sleep, eat, drank so much fell off my feet. An ugly sight, sloppy tonight. Fun at first; sorry later, stupid attempts, inebriated texts about bacon. Pushing limits, don't know what I want, careless; thinking not. Wait to be chased they say. Leave it alone let him chase you; do I listen; No, I'm a fool. I want what I want when I want it. Selfish; dying to escape from this confusing, frustrating lifestyle I've myself chosen. Dumb Ass you're too smart, You've come so far, too kind, too pretty for such desperate attempts. Torturing myself, risking all I've invested…
I thought I'd learned this great lesson, thought my perception had been changed, loving these little people, trying to teach them, knowing they were born without so many things that were automatically given to me. For the first time in my life, I had appreciation for all God has blessed me with, for all the kids that somehow got cheated out of what society percieves as normalcy. Why them? Why must they struggle with disabilities, when I get to live so free, without worries. My shame is so great, that I could get so irate, over stupid ass shit.
Inspiration. Madness. How often they seem to fall into the same category. Without passion there is no frustration, without middle fighting ground of the two, there is little to be said. I'm so damn tired of the daily shuffle of sorts. Routine. They say it's healthy for body and soul, but for me, that kind of repetitiveness takes its toll quickly; its price costly. So sick of walking that tightrope between trying to adhere to normalcy, while my body craves adventure, while there is fire in my heart and flight in my soul. The times arrived; establish a new role.
Burnt. Too busy before; not anymore. Brain free to simmer, cook; burn. There's not enough Nyquil; nor enough hours for waste. Procrastination; my closest friend; yet I have no allies; have rendered myself helpless in certain ways. Lots of important life changing decisions to make, yet I sit here coddling my hampster Forrest. He barely moves; so unlike him. He is ready to go to God. I keep begging him to stay. How selfish. My patience has ceased to exist. I was given chances and warnings, I heeded none. There's nothing worse then being totally alone when you're really not.
People are careless; Inconsiderate. Makes me question my morality-mostly my inherent acceptance of others. Should I be so robotic, so oblivious as they? Is it true, are they right? Should I not believe that people are basically good, that they're trustworthy until they prove differently? What the hell is going on in this world- selfishness and greed- Sickening, the Traitors of all that makes life beautiful. Sold souls darkening the world, standing in my light. Perhaps if they were right, they wouldn't be so damn amiable. Perhaps we'd live happier, in a better way as a society -as human beings.
Left with panties in purse, movie in grasp, scene from a play that's been over-rehearsed; twisted memoirs flickering of past. "Watch out for snakes" He said. My choice to take at face value. Foolish, I didn't see, he was intelligent enough, understanding the power of analogy. I once knew many snakes, been bit, that's ok. If you've ever tried to suck out the poison of a snakebite from someone's flesh, you know then, tis not an easy task; best avoided by using common sense. Foolishness rears its ugly head quickly when curiosity rules over cognition, lost is all control; ability.
Not even angry, Dissapointed. Too many J's. Their politeness is wearing. J1,J2,J3,J4, well, 4 is still new. But still, he too, is a J. Tail end of May, not once did he say, sorry things didn't work, le'ts be friends, some later time, I'll give you a shout. Noooo. That's just toooo honest. Cowardly they are- it sickens me. Some of it was my fault fine. But seriously now, it's not like we're 22 anymore. Can't stand that attribute in a guy-cowardess. Isn't it strength that makes a man a man? Maybe they have too many female hormones or something.
Field Day. Pollen everywhere. Children with painted hearts, balloons on their faces. Smiles and cries, giggles and flies. Who'd think there was anything out of the ordinary- unless you knew, unless you stopped to really see, these children I love so much, all of them with parents, teachers, friends and such, all needing a crutch. Damn pollen steals my sense of smell, cotton candy and popcorn swirl; unfair that my senses cannot tell. My wish is simply this, that they will grow and flourish. Maybe, just maybe I'll say I helped in some way. Look at them; see their courage.
Blood rushing through my veins. How dare you- these words racing through my head. Why is it so often that kindness is mistaken for weakness? 21 is my number and though these entries are days behind, this feeling has been lingering for two weeks, been sifting through the darkest places of the mind. Watch out. You don't make me get this mad. For when I am, things happen, things can get pretty bad. I will not go against my better wisdom, but think not I will tolerate being put in this catechism. Karma will come for you, that is true.
Runners take your places. On your mark, get set………….Hmmm. J#4. The 8 kinda through me off a bit. So far as I know though, it's not a birthday, just a good number reminiscent of a favorite hobby. Sleep seems not in the cards for me running all these races. Juggling acts more like. Last night I felt like a kid again. Shoes off, sitting in his lap in the big white truck we watched the sun come up. It was like being 15 again- all the passions of youth flowing through me like electricity. Hopefully I won't sleep through L.
If only I could see so far in front of me perhaps I'd understand what the hell is going on in my butter churned heart and lungs. Scared shit yet seeing all the pieces come together, it's not believable to me, I've waited to long, for me there will never be that significant other. But yet, I want to throw up, because I keep seeing your face fit so perfectly into every situation, filling up the emptiness in that dark ignored place. I don't want to think it because when I'm wrong again I'll just wanna hurl, scream, forget. J#4Eight.
Inertia was my citadel for three long years. This life I've been leading made me feel so bawdy, an existence encircled by defalcations, smothered in heavy veneers of self lies and uncertainty. A true mendacity, for what is inherent within never goes away. Instead perhaps it coalesces with the repetition of daily routine. I should have known, should have seen the semaphores, yet making an attempt at change seemed futile; ineffectual. I'm exhuming all those ghosts now, digging myself out of the mire. Now I rejoice in exaltation. Your smile so sanguine swims through my head. I've become a believer.
The past follows, dark shadows of what was, still alive somewhere inside. Never goes away; even things vowed you'd never let stay. If history should repeat itself, I fear all these dreams, newly arrived, may simply one day disappear. Not many years before the Autumn of my life begins, I long for all the things I missed out on in spring. All around me the tulips and daffodils are rising. If only this once; I am afforded the opportunity to lay out in the fields of gold, perhaps I shall experience the spring I've so long craved. Hopeful. Very hopeful.
So excited yet so scared – what the hell do I say, what the heck did I say last night. Dumb ass me, bad move. I pray the angels be with me on my venture out tonight. The derby, the derby…Reminds me of daddy's stories. He loved building up cars and racing them. Maybe that's just it, one of the connections. All girls love guys that remind them of their dads. But wait, there's more. That convo I had with Gayle, If I could take this and this from this boyfriend and that one he would be….well, here he is. Shit.
Perhaps being a little behind on this isn't so terrible. I'm superstitious with numbers and luckily both 27 and 4 work well for me. The transitions arriving leave a lot to say- leaving my job, moving out from J#1's house. I've been so full of anxiety, ugh. These last few months have been torture. J #3 didn't help matters either. But that's over now and gone. It's funny how meeting this one, JRS, has changed my mood, my outlook. I don't even know him. He is so real to me though, as if I always did know him. Ultimate butterflies.
Plays over and over in my head. In my car the CD is on repeat. I never would have picked the song, the song picked me; pretty scary. I already have a song to go with the dream, but the dream was never vivid, not like now. Please don't let me fuck this up. Sometimes you go with your gut and you lose, but most often if you listen carefully you win. So here it is, Is a love so fragile and a heart so hollow, shattered with words, impossible to follow…..Yep. who would have thought it? Leather and Lace.
Hard to believe; all these Dreams. Usually all the plans for this come to us as girls. The colors, time of year, how dad will react; mom will cry. Is this a joke? Why am I dreaming these things? I don't want it to be a joke. Man, my stomach is like this big twisted knot. I feel like if I don't get it out of my head it is going to blow up in my face. Funny thing is though I can't differentiate if there's a subconscious want at work here or if I'm actually being told the truth.
I might be crazy knowing I will be out at the derby all night- to leave even the slightest chance of not finishing this, but I have to leave just one day. One day so tomorrow I'll be able to say, last night turned out…. This way. Not knowing what's in store, but seeing so much, so clearly, don't know what to do with myself, so tough this is sincerely. May I be blessed with the wit and the beauty I should need to enjoy the night and get to the truth of what they tell me, what I need.
Decision has been made, Derby results will not post till june- why, because the days are longest, the air hot in day the evenings still cool. Still I ready myself for this evening, mentally, physically and such, if I could ask for anything, if I was entitled to ask I'd have to request even more than just luck. Tonight will be a turning point this I know so whatever I do reap, for my future I do sow. Stand proud keep about you your witts C. Now is the time to transition, set myself free. May God stand with me.
The Tip Jar