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Today the world imploded, well my world I guess. I strongly dislike cliqués, but I guess for this entry they're unavoidable.
I hoped that using the phrase "I love you" may in some way clear everything that happened and make me reconsiderable. How wrong was I?
Real life never works out, or never works out for me.
Still I guess the definitive awnser of "I'd never love you", more or less clears things up. Yes I'm bitter and a bit annoyed, but can't be at you, it's unreasonable to be forced into something. Back to drinking alone...
I wonder what would happen if I simply disappeared? Just left one day, drop everything and just go. Go anywhere, who knows. Just leave and never return. Would I be missed? Not much if at all. Yes I would happily leave, but fucked up circumstances leave me a prisoner of my own mind trapping me in. All you harassing cunts amplified this, and I'm expected to be nice to you?
Everything's so confusing, I'm forgetting now as to whether I'm reacting or my thoughts are exagaretting events or the other stuff. What is the "other stuff"?, mind you own fucking business.
Waking up on the floor was a strange experience. Wasn't quite sure how I ended up there but it was comfortable enough. Well excluding the pile of sick casually next to me. The guitar was strangely leaning against the wall so guess I attempted to play it, the television was moved, phone was against the door, thrown I think after some messaging.
Well I think I did pretty well, not hungover at all, was worth doing, fucking up routines, trying to regain control. Only thing is, I need more, and that's going to be difficult, not impossible just difficult.
Fuck all of you, just fuck everyone, screw everything it's all irrelevant. Nobody really matters do they?, in two hundred you and your corpse has been ravenged by wolves is anyone going to remember you, let alone give a fuck. Or make something or yourself, invent something, but thrown in a text book and become the hatefigure of school children.
I'm just so confused by it all. Why do people even bother living if all they do is get stuck in a dead end job or become a stay a home person. They don't achieve fuckall.
This is the truth people.
Today, the shit hit the fan. I can't go back there, not again, I barely escaped last time. It's suffocating there, I need stronger tablets just to calm but no, heads going to explode.
Two more years, I'd rather die. Thrown back into nothingness. Ignored by everyone, last one sitting alone. Anyone calls me anything, they'll soon learn not too.
They promised, and they lied.
"Oh, you'd be fine by now", well I'm not, rather then improving or getting worse, more falling sideways.
Why'd I have to drink all that? I need it now. Fucking hell.
My hands are shaking again. That was meant to of ended, well not just my hands I seem to be shaking. Trying to mask the tone of my voice. More agitated then usual, really not prepared. Just want to get as far away from everything as I can, but can't.
Stop with all the fucking noise, I can't take this. Nothing works, nothing helps.
So that's started again, that shitty addiction I thought I'd kicked, funny that. Great that I'm in control, oh wait.
Now I'm expected to smile and be happy?
Guess I'll be gritting my teeth.
So this is my new life for two years? Then kill me now.
I'm bored, sitting there, a bloody information overload. Escape, new people, try to make an effort. I hated it, couldn't breath, trapped with judgemental strangers.
Standing around with people I despise, those bearable sucking up to the bastards. Waiting around again, crammed in some shitty room. Have I enjoy being a sardine.
Don't know how I'll last, need to top up certain supplies to make it bearable.
Oh and cheers for ignoring me, since I lower your ever so high social status.
It could be considered selfish, the constant writing about myself, well I've got nothing else.
Everyone's changed, don't worry I'll never ask you again, in no way attracted now.
Everything's changed, I simply don't care enough to get involved, I'm not like any of you.
My whisky breakfast, not a new low. Attempt to distract me. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD, can't think straight, barely sleep, shaking.
These people, they sicken me, hate you all. Judgemental bastards, unbearable.
Two years of this will destroy me.
Think I'm miserable now? Spend an hour in my head.
Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here
People should mind their own fucking business. "Why you drinking", "What you doing to yourself mate?", "Stop". Well it's of no concern to anyone else. In a standard when I'm think about drinking, thinking about dying, or finally getting to drink I think I allowed to do so. Don't like it? Then fuck you too.
I'm bored, bored of seven days in a week, bored of repetitive day, narrow minded people, two faced, bored of each day being shit as the last, bored of all these broken promises, still better at least hear this woman out, fuck all else to do.
Am I meant to think about the future?
When I'm barely in a decent state in the present.
This whole born, grow up, school, job, retire, pension, die. I just don't want it. I'm not like everybody else so why should I live like them?
Back in the present where I am so disappointingly trapped, my attempts to fit in have gone alright? I guess. Attempting to be humorous, or disgust those around me, all the same really.
Yet your all still as fake as always, and I remain an outcast, distanced from you all.
So this is funny? Yes?
Laugh along fuckwits to the negative clown, when you down the sight it suddenly becomes "too far".
Must be doing something right, I seem to have groups of people for some reason wanting me to speak. Still guess it's a step up, from the nothing of before.
Yet I'm not really interested in what's going on, 3instead I find myself consider various philosophies in my head.
4I doubt any of it's really relevant though.
3Suppose I should expect this abuse after the way I've treated people, still I'm not getting fucked around.
What's the point? Why bother doing anything? Think back to your grandparents, or a generation before, remember them? Nope, they 3had 4pointless 3lives. Now in a hundred years time will anyone know, let alone care who you are. No.
So my life is pointless, your life is pointless, nobody ever really achieves a great deal. What a fucking waste. Bit extreme? Nah, well 3maybe 4but 3it's true, nobody seems to understand this. Nobody understands what I'm saying half the time anyway so fuck it. Simple really.
So yeah, never look 3forward 4to 3anything, expect anything, or want anything.
Well this is a strange experience. Walking through a series of corridors to a room done up to look rather fancy. Leather seats, ooo how posh. Take a seat, will do. This is awkward, I'm meant to speak? Or just start rambling. How bleak. You want to know my life, well fine but based your shocked look it's clear I'm hardly normal. You don't have a clue what I'm saying, but your nice enough and are at least pretending to care, not judging me either or are you just hiding that? Time will tell I guess, time will tell.
No I will not cheer up. I just can't. Never known any different.
So should I act like everyone else?
Some dubstep playing, slang language, stupid trousers, an assortment of hoodies, act all violent and aggressive to strangers, rate woman based on the size of their tits, drone about sport, no. Never. I will never be any of you.
I should have learnt, never let my guard down, befriend anyone, ha two faced cunts. Like some preschool power struggle. Keep making the same fucking mistakes, I just a need a few decent people. Still got that ones better then a million others.
You hate me? Good! I'll give you fuckers a reason to hate me. It's not unprovoked, I remember how you treated me, in the middle picked on to the extreme. You bastards created this monster, and what a great job you did Frankenstein. All of you slow me down, I just need alcohol, my real friend. Won't judge me, if anything it improves me.
As for last night, what I remember of it I really enjoyed. Once I secured the vodka of course. And how the fuck can YOU judge me? Bloody hell.
The was a strange shopping list.
Haven't really don't anything to day accept get another guitar. I don't want to do this shitty work. I'd only work with the prospect of getting paid, but I can for obvious reasons, well obvious to me anyway. So staring at a blank piece of paper. This pointless work, why should I do it? It won't further my learning, just takes away the small amount of time in the day when I can be bothered to write anything.
I'm sorry for calling you posh, not, excuse me for trying to find reasons not to love you so fucking much.
Here's a song
It reminds me of when we were young
Looking back at all the things we've done
You gotta keep on keepin' on
Out to sea
Is the only place I am asleep
Can get myself some piece of mind
You know it's getting hard to fly
If I'm to fall
Would you be there to applaud
Or would you hide behind the law
Because If I am to go
In my heart you grow
And that's where you belong
That's right, I'm not there, I'm sadly here. Spend my morning getting preached at no thanks, why listen to people when I'm clearly right.
Those lying bastards, now I'm more fucked then before, I don't care if your not meant to just STOP taking them, aside from all these "side effects" I'm fine.
As for the shallow cunts who seem to forget who I am. Saying fucking bait when I'm standing next to you, you'll quickly learn to shut the fuck up.
I considered dropping out yesterday, not like anyone would notice, no good to anyone in this state.
Where am I left standing now? The important thing is I didn't. But no, you have to tell them, you have to tell your horrible mates, then like wild fire it engulfs everything.
I just don't understand, I'd never tell another person what you tell me, but it's common knowledge to world what I say. Maybe you just enjoying taking the piss when I'm not there, or your so fucking stupid you think people can be trusted.
Now what? I've got nothing. No friends, no allies, fuck knows who's side your on. That's the truth, and you understand that perfectly well.
Well today was a joke. Just as isolated and distanced as before. Treated as if I'm a fucking leper.
Sure I'm sat with a load of people, but I still hate them. Then the shit kicks off, that little cunt stirring crap. Suddenly I'm being moaned at and apparently threaten by a load of people, after laughing and switching to verbal retaliation. Hands in pockets so I don't fight back, I promised I wouldn't. Mentions that name, apparent rumours, I reply then leave.
So this is being the bigger man?
Then I return and..., well you wouldn't understand.
Back with a vengeance I would say. Today I went on the offensive, feel free to call me names, I've got the next three replies worked out in an instant. It should be the way, but it's that or sitting alone. Since the little games they play are becoming more obvious I can start to play them against each other.
Talked to a few old friends today,just bump into them, got seconds to greet them and talk. Strange how I prefer them to the usual crowd.
Thought you were crying, could guess why, phone screens are great at reflecting the room.
Well another night out, pretty decent I guess, missing one person though. I'm going to stop drinking unless I'm at occasions like this, probably better too. I had to talk to this bloke though, I hate this situations, the whole football/women/alcohol conversation and I fuck up.
The it's off to the usual haunts, before some casual hill rolling. Then just hearing how far these people claim to have got with girls, based on what they keep trying to buy guess it's believable.
The lights go out, shit gets real. I ask but know you won't go next week.
Today, I achieved... Nothing. Again. I woke up and wondered about dreams and then how that's relevant to reality and all that, then watched a film. Then considered how I should be doing more important things, casually glancing at the guitar. Wow I have fuck all to do.
Have read what I just wrote about twenty times trying to add extra words to space it out. Nothing. What now. Well Erm more words left, blah blah blah. This has to be the least inspired entry I've ever done. Blah blah nothing to ramble on about, ah finally, 100 words.
So it's back to this, I have to sit there, miserable making dull comments while you simple fools giggle along with everything I say. I'm so bored, people laugh because I'm speaking, I doubt very much they listen, or understand the real meanings within comments. Oh no has to been seen as face value, fucking hell. Have to impress people though, need to be accepted and liked by them, don't want to be distanced, oh wait. It annoys me, when I'm constantly getting judged I can't fit in, so I found my own place, don't like that? Then fuck you too.
Again, these simple fuckers laugh at my every word. How I hate them, hate who they are and everything they stand for. It's either sit there quietly, bottom of the pile, waiting for the abuse, or be as loud and ignorant as possible, but these simpletons like that. Brought it upon myself I guess, disagreeing with this mainstream crap.
I just fail to understand these people's mindsets, they act like fucking children. Stupidly petit. The amount of stuff I let go instead of kicking into a shitstorm. But these bastards don't think would rather judge, it's really starting to piss me off.
Rain dammit. Not snow, the remaining ice is a pain. But rain. This bloody sunshine is a pain, too hot and bright, and people drone about the heat as if nobody else has noticed. Rain on the other hand, great. Oh great, another thing that "normal" people would disagree with. By normal I mean what these people have had drilled into their heads since birth.
When in doubt moan about the weather, yes I have had that much of an interesting day. I just never seem to achieve anything, every day things either get worse or remain the same. Pfft.
Everytime, always complete the days entry right before something happens. Or am I too "crazy" to work that out, judgemental bitch.
Another bloody hot day, people stating the bleeding obvious by constantly talking about the heat, much like what im doing now.
Struggling to take all this apparent work seriously, I'm just not that intersted, not like I wouldn't do it, or just make it up on the spot.
I'm reading it, as instructed, but not at the same time. Just cause i can see the words, can concentrate and put them into any logical order, another boring day then.
So this is what being hung over is, I assume so anyway or it's just coincidence. Can't do any work like this, bloody hell.
EVen less to do then usual. Again they've left me so I have to sort things out myself. GEtting rid of everything that affects me is a good place to start, removinng all this clutter so i can actually think.
I'm pretty proud of yesterday, prior too. there was a disaster, i tried to resolve things and made sure things were ok, diffreent people, butthats resolving karma for my stupid selfish behavior. Well, close enough.
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