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No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No
No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No. I think I'm entitled to be bitter. Just a little bit anyway. Sure that's the answer, deal with it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. The irritating stories I had to listen to of so called advice of patch, ponce, and unnecessary. No wonder I assumed there would be a chance.
Well that was a waste of two hours. Waiting around before the shoulder shrug and the "good luck". As always I'm going to have to sort everything out by myself. So when I hear these whiny pricks moaning about their so called "horrible" lives I'd like to be the first one to knock their teeth out. So the moral of the story, never win. Then earlier in the day forced into doing all this anti stress exercise crap, I refused to take part. Then moaned at for refusing. They tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. I do.
I just need money, and lots of it. Then I can buy a mansion somewhere and just stay there away from the rest of the world. Hire people to clean and cook so I wouldn't. That's how things would end up. While I would love a normal scenario of a wife and kids in some big house somewhere where I'm happy...yet that's unlikely. There's no point dreaming, it's like a kick in the head when it doesn't happen. Spent to long of my childhood dreaming and nothing ever comes true. Not what I wanted anyway.
"Move on", I get it, the words echoing through my head as it's repeated at me almost rhythmically. It made complete sense, to stop focusing on the never never. The two of them explained perfectly. I will, sod it. Stop dwelling on what won't be. Ha, trying to gang up on me. Just because you attempt to sound tough it doesn't really bother me. Such quick wit, replying a whole five minutes later well wow. Trying to be the hero and mimic those crappy films I exclaim how's if there a problem to take it up with me. Good decision.
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone
Read between the lines
What's fucked up when everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone
Actually happy today. Went to town and had a kick about. Felt like part of a group for once. Must have been there for about 4 hours, which is better tehn sitting inside alone. My legs hurt so much though, must have pulled so many muscles in them it's ridiculous. Also will revise now, yet still got ways to contact. Could this be a potentially happier me? Time will tell I guess.
I look at the world and I notice it's turning
While my guitar gently weeps
With every mistake we must surely be learning
Still my guitar gently weeps
Will never understand or give a fuck about people obsessions with their apperance and clothes. Do I want to get up and hour earlier an piss about in front of a mirror telling myself how "awesome" I look?, or get up fifteen mintues before I'm supposed to be going out and waste about five minutes attempting to style my hair? Then people moaning on television about their apperence babbling on about how millions in surgery will correct this, just FUCK OFF. Yes some of them do look like dogs but that's just because their trying to dress like whores.
My attempts to be positive were sunk by those around. People constantly expecting me to moan well they can fuck themselves. Half an hour of so called awards, honouring people I've never heard of. Really not intersted in how the sports teams are doing, they seemed to lose most of the time anyway be the sounds of it. Then I find myself comlplaining because nothing is being said just to fill the void, where's the conversation gone? Probably my fault. No was a better choice, even though things are fucked up it would have made things far worse.
Purple haze all in my brain
Lately things just don't seem the same
Actin' funny, but I don't know why
'Scuse me while I kiss the sky
Purple haze all around
Don't know if I'm comin' up or down
Am I happy or in misery?
Whatever it is, that girl put a spell on me
Help me help me
Oh no no... no
Purple haze all in my eyes
Don't know if it's day or night
You've got me blowin, blowin my mind
Is it tomorrow or just the end of time?
God know why everyone's getting so upset? So what if we finish tomorrow. All these girls wandering around with their camera's crying and taking pictures. Everyone else tying to avoid getting their arse kicked. I was standing minding my own business, some dick head rugby tackles me so I hit back and this prick starts getting angry, so I explain how he can go fuck himself. Other people getting stuff thrown at them, I knew they acted like children, but that's taking the piss. So to conclude will I be upset tomorrow? No, it only get's worse from here.
Ten weeks, please don't say that, I'm not trying to be negative, honest. It's easy for you and everyone else, you've had a wonderful time. I was at the bottom of the pile, picked on and bullied by everyone. Now these bastards expect me to sign their shirts? Well they can go fuck themselves in that place in hell reserved for wanker's like them. Or the bitch in charge, "boys will be boys", "I can't possibly punish them", well thanks a fucking lot you whore, and now they all want forgiveness. And I would never judge you.
Got a new mobile today. My old was was working fine, but I wanted one with a keyboard and it was on offer. No it isn't a blackberry. In the shop they hide behind acronyms and try to confuse you, but the phone itself is rather confusing. It seems to charge whatever it deems appropriate on the Internet, and the track pad is a bit temperamental, but I'll get used to it. It's the silly little beeps it makes that will start to piss me off and the instructions are worse the useless so google it is.
Never been to a party before till last night. It was a pretty exciting experience I guess. People seemed rather surprised to see me there, and I was rather surprised to be there. Not a great deal happened, but able was to make myself seem like a nice person by talking to complete strangers and people who seem to know me but I didn't have a clue who they were. Then the usual "advice" from various people. Oh well none of it was heard. The walk back was quite entertaining also. Today was pretty boring to be honest, can't concentrate.
All these so called "celebrities" and television personalites that everyone wants to be because it's cool to be. Well there not so they should grow the fuck up and stop imagining. Why anyone would want to be one of these dick heads is beyond me. Then it's a case of is anyone truely original or unique? People gleem things from various sources which builds their character, or reduces it. Most people seem the same to me anyway, walk the same, talk the same, act the same, it's like an army or robots copying their leader.
If only you could see these people the way I've had to. Maybe then it would be easier to explain why I don't like them opposed to simply referring to them as "bastards" or "dick heads". To be constantly judged by them, they don't tell you how to act though, only criticise. Not going to lose face. My reputation seems to proceed me. Make little bastard jokes about how apparently stupid I am in front of their friends, yet their silent when it's on my terms. Funny that. Their not being "nice" to you, your just seen as an equal.
Had such a pointless exam. The only reason I bothered doing the questions is because it would have been tedious just sitting there. The questions were clearly written by an exceptionally politically correct person. And if you question it's apparently sexist or racist or homophobic. I'm none of those things it just seems that the people who report people for the so called discrimination are never people from the groups themselves. For example, apparently it can be seen as sexist for saying a women can't be a sperm donor. How exactly? Can a man have a baby then?
I don't think I could hate these wank stain banks more. They act like fucking royalty opening when they deem it ok, after all it's not like people need money before lunchtime. I forgot we live in a barter economy in the morning. Am I supposed to be happy while waiting? Every other shop is open and let's face it, banks are basically shops. Then get loads of vague awnsers to questions, how and I supposed to respond it they are purposefully flippent. I don't care if the people there judged me, they don't know me, the can fuck themselves.
If lifes taught me anything it's nothings free, you got to watch your back because no one else will, if someones a dick to you you be a dick to them, always have a plan, and sods law. If things are going alright the chances are it's a matter of time before they descend back into being shit. I could say things are fine at the moment, but it would be niave to think things will stay this way forever. Perhaps I'll be able to reinvent myself as some highly social individual next year, not some sarcastic bitter individual.
When I wake up early in the morning,
Lift my head, I'm still yawning
When I'm in the middle of a dream
Stay in bed, float up stream
Please don't wake me, no
don't shake me
Leave me where I am
I'm only sleeping
Everybody seems to think I'm lazy
I don't mind, I think they're crazy
Running everywhere at such a speed
Till they find, there's no need
Please don't spoil my day
I'm miles away
And after all
I'm only sleeping
God is a concept,
By which we can measure,
I'll say it again,
God is a concept,
By which we can measure,
I don't believe in magic,
I don't believe in I-ching,
I don't believe in bible,
I don't believe in tarot,
I don't believe in Hitler,
I don't believe in Jesus,
I don't believe in Kennedy,
I don't believe in Buddha,
I don't believe in mantra,
I don't believe in yoga,
I don't believe in Elvis,
I don't believe in Zimmerman,
I don't believe in Beatles,
I just believe in me,
I really don't understand these bizarre looks I get from people. Oh no! It's so weird how I actually say what these hypocritical pc dickhead's are too afraid to say. Told how strange it is by my lack of reaction to these news stories of natural disasters an all that other crap. Why would I care, I don't know them. It's more comforting to see that other people suffer in the world also. And no that isn't strange. These fuckers don't know me and what I have to deal with so they can't fucking judge me.
You wish I was dead,
Well I'm not so it doesn't matter,
You wish I had never been born,
Bit late to be wishing that anyway.
"Get some friends",
I have friends,
Quite a few who would look out for me,
You've got nobody.
Everytime you argue I lose a little more respect,
Your were meant to look out for me,
Watch my back,
Yet it's seemed the other way round.
I may not be that social,
But not a ghost either,
As as patient as I try to be,
Your just too ignorant to see.
So I started playing L.A. Noire today. It's pretty good, but I said the same thing about Red Dead Redmeption last year and while it was great I never really returned to it after finishing. It was good but not a patch on GTA4. So I notice how reviews say L.A. Noire is at least fifteen hours long. Well after three hours I'm a third of the way through the story so time will tell I guess. The actual action scenes also seemed quited tacked on and are a bit too easy. Team Bondi should have RAGE.
Was in town today with people. It's good, I'm there because they wanted me there. Not due to intelligence or being or a scumbag and all the other shitty groups people seem to enjoy dumping themselves into. I was amazed by the number of scumbags there. It's the middle of the day and these gangs of twenty-somethings are just hanging around. Their hardly intimidating when there's six of us. We where off playing football, they get to sit outside a post office all afternoon, know what I'd rather do. That's play football by the way.
Staring at the floor. Voices around me, discussing me in the third person. Reassuring me... Apparently. I don't need reassurance. Trying to take me for a mug, "no fucking way, their not getting involved", their not having anything on me. Another successful trip then? What am I supposed to say, I seem to be held to it all, constantly reminded. I don't want to be reminded.
The I can probably sort everything out myself attitude didn't seem to impress them. Oh well I probably can. Not telling them how to do their jobs, but I'll find a way.
Got to love the arguments over xbox live. The putrid swearing rants from vile children who should be at school and not calling me a "fuck head" or some unoriginal varient of that. The sterotypical yanks calling me a "posh prick", and having a go at my mates for laughing at what I'm saying to these fools. It so easy to piss the people off and it's a case of do I really give a fuck about what they think. Don't even have a high opinion of myself, it's just a case of looking down on them.
Television is getting crapper on a daily basis. Somehow I saw that "made in Chelsea" thing. The wank stain 'stars' are prime examples of how a talentless fuckhead can grace our screens. For example Cheryl Cole, the yanks can't understand her. Well the talentless whore has made money from being married to Ashley Cole. If he was such a 'monster', then she would go back to the 'Tweedy' name, but that's even less "showbiz". As for these prior to the watershed BBC shitcoms, the awfully pc and unfunny scripts make these an embarrassment to watch. Notice shitcoms, not sitcoms.
Hmm, could it be I've found a solution to that what has plagued me for years. Perhaps. Past the point of willing to try anything I've decided that perhaps books may be benificial. While the books are rather long I've not got much else to do so it's worth a shot I guess. Anything's worth a shot. It's better then being spoken to by these 'professionals' since they don't really know themselves. They merely say "everything will be fine" in attempt to make sure you're still there for the next appointment. Meh give it a go, can't make things worse.
What a tedious day today was, not that I actually knew what day it was until about ten minutes ago.
Still, more reading to do. Only at page 70 of around 450 so quite a substatial amount to read. If it in some way helps then it's worth doing I suppose. Yet so many times hopes have been dashed so I'm not expecting miracles. Not silly prayer miracles, don't even get me started on religion.
I really need a hobby or something to kill the time, it's pretty boring my current lifestyle. It's not all my fault though.
Don't know why I bother getting up in the morning. With a day that lacks structure and purpose it's easier just to sink into usual habits and avoid it all together. Although for once it's not actually my fault in doing fuck all. It keeps raining so can't really go anywhere. Then trying to organise going anywhere is a joke. So I'll just sit there, do nothing. Fuck all else worth doing. Oh it's another month over and how 'marvellous' it was, not that I really remember doing a great deal. Ah fuck it's raining again.
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