06/01 Direct Link
The kid saw dead people. I don't even see live people. Often, I register the presence of other people without seeing them, their faces, their shape and form. They're just other beings in my immediate surroundings.

That is how I spent minutes not realizing my daughter was there with me, waiting for me to react, to laugh, to hug her. Because I was not expecting her, I did not register her. She was not a person, just a being in the same space-time.

Starting today, I am going to try to see, really see five random people a day.
06/02 Direct Link

So strange, this anticipating from weekend to nonconsecutive weekend.

With the other, there would sometimes be a year or more between the times we could be together. In that time I held my anticipation for the phone conversations, emails, dreams. I was content to bide.

This one has a harder urgency in it. Perhaps because this one is so relatively close. Or perhaps it is that lingering not-quite-requitedness. We've explored only in snacky gulps of weekends. We’ve had little gobbles of sugar, bursts of sweetness. Fullness comes and dissipates fairly soon.

I hunger for a longer, slower, more languorous meal.

06/03 Direct Link

There is the hard, pressing, hungry kiss and it is filled with urgency, demand, desire.

There is the tentative, questing, wondering kiss, nearly chaste in its attempt to explore possibilities without putting off the recipient.

There is the erotic, slow, gentle, thoughtful, thorough, loving kiss, the one filled with promises, the one overflowing with emotion.

There are the kisses like bites, nibbles of need, frequent and traveling.

There are kisses that are ghosts, never touching, simply a breath, a suggestion, a nearness, a warmth.

But there is never the brief, mindless, hurried, don't-bother-me kiss, quickly pecked out, obligatory and forgettable.

06/04 Direct Link
4 flattened chicken cutlets
2 tablespoons olive oil
quarter cup white wine
1 teaspoon minced garlic
half cup chicken broth
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1 tablespoon capers
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
lemon slices

Season cutlets with salt and pepper, dust with flour. Heat oil over med-high. Saute cutlets 3 min on one side, flip, other side 2 min with pan covered. Transfer to plate.

Deglaze pan with wine and garlic. Cook until brown, about 2 min. Add broth, juice, and capers. Return cutlets to pan; cook on each side 1 min. Remove. Finish sauce with butter and lemon slices.
06/05 Direct Link
It's difficult to stay in the now. I find myself too often straying to the past, or fretting over the future. I miss so much by letting myself ponder the could-have-beens or the should-have-beens. There is beauty in now. There is peace in now.

My ex gets hung up on past and predicts future, then gets stressed. He had a major meltdown a couple of weeks ago.  Since then he says, he found a book that is helping him learn to stay in the now. 

I have never seen him so calm, so rational.
06/06 Direct Link
Dogs. Some call me The Crazy Dog Lady, a gentle mockery because I have only two dogs. Fact is, I really love them.

Don't mistake me, however, for one of those people who dresses them up, or pampers them like they're actual children. While I may talk to them as though they are people, and spoil them with attention, I do understand that they're not people, don't think like people nor react like people.

They're dogs.

They're attentive, soft, warm, cuddly, beings who depend on me, who look at me with adoration, and who respond to me with loving trust.
06/07 Direct Link
She wanted the child. She'd been married long, no kids; Audie didn't want 'em. Audie was gone now, and she had a new job, new city, new guy, at least for the time it took to do the deed. 'Course she kept him around a bit longer while her stomach grew big.

The baby turned out to be a bit of work though. Who knew they'd cost so much? Th new guy's a jerk, but he's the father so he still has his uses. Sure, he fought it, but once he saw his son, well, daddyhood kicked in after all.

06/08 Direct Link
Tired of things not working out quite right. My mess-up, or someone else's, it doesn't matter. It's not even irritating; just tiresome.

Spent two days fixing my phone after I messed it up twice. I like to hack it, install different images, different ROMs, then tweak it. I'm a bit too careless with those processes so I mess myself up. May have to do it a third time.

Iliumsoft can't be arsed to update an app so it works, but they can be arsed to remove a feature I need to get my info from it to a new one.
06/09 Direct Link
Maybe, just maybe it's like having facial hair.

Think about it. Women, at least most of us, don't grow facial hair. Men do, and lots of them do interesting things with their facial hair. A popular thing is to shave parts of it, leaving little dots of hair (soul patch), or thin lines of hair down the center of the chin, or shave the center of the beard but leave two swatches on either side of the mouth. Weird stuff like that.

Maybe that's why young women are shaving their pubic hair in different shapes. Girl beards, don't you know.
06/10 Direct Link
Took it into my head to listen to the soundtrack for "O Brother, Where Art Thou" today. I'm not a fan of that type of music, except for a couple of the songs that have sentimental value for me. Except I saw the movie for the first time a few weeks ago and now all of the songs have acquired a particular sentimental value.

Snuggling up on a cozy sofa next to a sweetie, watching and enjoying a fun film, sipping wine, maybe spending a bit of time smooching and copping feels.

And smiling at one another.  Best ever.
06/11 Direct Link
I keep thinking about my son whose dream is to pursue a degree in contemporary music then put it to use.

I also keep thinking about how he has a passion for music. How it is an art, for him. How he is a perfectionist when it comes to this passion. And how jobs tend to sap the heart and soul out of one's calling, at least these days.

Following your passion and earning a living. It's rare, it seems to me, to combine the two and not lose one, or the other.

My heart hurts for my son, sometimes.
06/12 Direct Link
I keep thinking about emotional hurt. I think about how unpleasant it is -- sometimes it can feel as though I wish the world would just end right then and there. I think about how it is when it's gone -- the relief. And I reflect on how I grew once the hurt was past and I discovered that I lived, and life is actually better in ways than before, in spite of the crushing pain.

I think about how I do not want my loved ones to hurt. I wonder why my instinct is to shield them, depriving them of growth.
06/13 Direct Link
You look at them and you love them and the aspects of them that would fail a fashion magazine centerfold try-out are invisible. You see their smile, their heart, their spirit. You let the flood of your love for them sweep over you, and they are beautiful.

You look at yourself and you do not see the smile, the heart, the spirit. You forget about the love for yourself, if you have it at all. You see the acne scars, the wrinkles and creases. You see the dimply fat.  You curse yourself and your heart fills with tears. 
06/14 Direct Link
To most people it would seem a bit sordid. I was out on a date with one guy, but texting with another guy during the date.

It's okay, though. I'm not cheating. They both knew about it and were kind of participating. They stopped short of actually using me to send messages to one another, but only just.

I don't really know if it was fun for them, but I thought it was cool. It was almost like dating both at the same time. The big drawback for me was that I could not actually sit snuggled up with both.
06/15 Direct Link
Married guys can be like that. Promises reneged.

The one 11 years ago, though, made it clear; he wasn't leaving his family. Just fulfilling sexual needs. In return I got affection and attention that was missing in my life, that I craved. There were no promises. It hurt when it ended, sure. But no stringing along.

My now guy's wife knows about us. We have plans to stay involved forever. Regardless, there are no plans to change what we have now.

Other married guys? Most lie. Some, just immature. Nice if they figure out what they want, then act honestly.
06/16 Direct Link
The chatter of people, the clack of keyboards, the jangles and warbles of phones fade into the background, notable only when they temporarily cease. I disappear, enveloped in thought, transported far from the office light and office noise.

I am cocooned, walled off only by the intensity of my concentration. Business swirls on without my participation. My body held taut, my breath nearly still, I am a mindnaut journeying into far-off worlds ranges far.  No harsh environments hamper me, and no destinations give me pause, nevertheless, reality snaps me back to the job.

The Internet is a harsh mistress.
06/17 Direct Link
I remember his 60th birthday party. Guy was much older than the rest of us, and more than a few of us didn't really socialize much with him -- he was cranky and opinionated -- but one couple did and it was they who organized the surprise party.

More than opinionated, the old guy was a rabid racist and homophobe. So it was natural for the couple, who had connections, to hire black stripper as part of the birthday surprise.

Old guy was really turned on until he learned his dancer had also won the Miss Gay Pride contest for the state.
06/18 Direct Link
Just a touch of his old self surfaced again. I was pleased by how well I handled it. I'm past the need to make him happy stages, at long last. Just stayed rational, calm, but put on my business voice. I do this sort of thing as my job. People start getting a bit touchy, I have to manage them just right, and still get performance from them.

He didn't recognize me. I wasn't the eager-to-please little girl. It pissed him off.  To his credit, he hung up the phone to "think about things a little."

06/19 Direct Link
Stung. In the mumblety-some years I have walked upon this planet I have never been stung by a bee or any other sort of stinging insect. Oh, I've been chewed and spat upon by many a mosquito and noseeum, but bees?  Not once.

Until this weekend.

I've been respectful of them, because you hear about bee stings and anapho ... ana .. about how the venom causes reactions. Mostly I've felt a peace-filled kinship with my bee brothers and sisters, since they had never bothered me, nor I them.

Turns out, for me, a bee sting kinda hurts. 
06/20 Direct Link
How a person can feel such love, and yet feel such relief when he's gone sometimes perplexes me.

I chalk it up to differences in the way we move through our days that cause irritations. Were we married or living together, we'd doubtless learn to accommodate the differences in ways acceptable to us. I did that for 25 years. During that 25, though, I found myself chafing and getting less tolerant. I fear that happening again.

Is the work worth it?

Dunno. So I limit the amount of time spent to the durations I can stand without testing those boundaries.
06/21 Direct Link
Did it make her a bad person, that she felt some relief sweep over her following the deputy's visit?  Was she sociopathic because the first thought as she closed the door was, "Yes! He's doing the right thing at last," and not until her third or maybe fourth thought did she consider trying to save him from himself?

Once the flood of relief had left her, replaced by the expected mixture of guilt and anger and a need to do something, she fretted because, really, she didn't know how to save him.

In the end, she called his brother.
06/22 Direct Link
Not very accomplished at small talk, me. Normally I find chirpy, chatty strangers annoying. I guess they have their uses because gregariousness can be a useful skill in my job. The chirpy chatty types of people can probably teach me the art of chirping chattily.

I am sure there are books on it, including techniques on how to keep up the small talk even when your correspondant is taciturn. But why spend money on a book when you can have real life instruction?

Learning when to shut up is a good thing too. Luckily I have that skill in droves.
06/23 Direct Link
I laugh at people believing they are finished products. That hubris incites me to take them down a peg. Without speculating concerning my arrogance, there are times I feel cousin to a modern day jester, albeit not divine nor clever. I am smart enough to jest only when I it is welcome, or of little consequence.

Why then, those who cannot fathom they have aught yet to learn? We're born hungry; should stay hungry our entire lives. Not a hunger of the stomach, but rather of the mind, the soul, the heart. Seek knowledge, experience, personal growth with every breath.
06/24 Direct Link
I do not know what I am. While I don't think it matters, in the end, it nevertheless would fascinate me to learn what cultural heritage I might have claimed had my parents raised me, given me access to my grandparents.

I envy those who have family histories. My adoptive family has history, but the story is faded. My parents did not keep it. My grandparents' tales, as they died, were fragmented. I have shards only, and none of their stories tell me whence the shape of my face, the color of my eyes, nor the breadth of my hips.
06/25 Direct Link
Note to me: check on progress with tokens for new team members. Also get with Andrew (Adam?) to restart his application.

Restructuring is to shift focus to the next gen program and will require more oversight on the execution and planning phases. New guy, new boss, unsure of how that impacts our contact.

Add Vienna holidays to the group calendar to mitigate planning meetings when team members gone.

Good scenario to use: focus on distributed approach, highlighting that our switch exemplifies this with far greater facility than a purely TDM approach. Also incorporate the lessons learned during the interoperability testing.
06/26 Direct Link
"You lost your zen. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, that's a good way to put it. The weekend was really bad."

He sounded like crap. I could hear the deep disappointment in his voice, that voice, the inflections of which I could read as though they were thoughts playing out in my brain.

I wondered if -- no, knew that he had ranted at his friend. Pent up frustration, feeling of betrayal. He projects his feelings, what he would do, on everyone and is always disappointed when people fall short.

Disappointed in himself. He set goals to improve his reactions, and he failed.
06/27 Direct Link
We're rapidly crippling ourselves. The bad guys have essentially won. No specific safety regulations regarding unclaimed cell phones found on aircraft and the pilot didn't want to delay the flight any further, but he was ordered to return to the gate so the phone could be retrieved. He asked if he could just drop it out his window to crew below, but no. So he did that anyway and flight was held for three hours. Pilot interviewed by police, could be disciplined.

I understand the concern. I am sad that we are at this point, that we fear so much.
06/28 Direct Link
It's not about getting older, that's not why I hate having a birthday. Getting older happens every day, after all. It's because from childhood everyone makes a big deal marking the anniversary, but when you grow older, the fuss becomes forced. If it stops, if your husband deliberately ignores it, then divorces you, it becomes this awkward thing.

I took to celebrating my own day by giving gifts to people. Took a friend to see Wicked one year. Baked brownies for co-workers another. Don't know what I'll do this year. My son will be around. Something for him, probably.
06/29 Direct Link
"I'll grant her this: she speaks with a smile in her voice, and that's not a bad thing."

"No, no. It's a nice change. Everyone else grumbles."

"But then there's that ..."


"Yeah. Like she's a teenager."

"She's loud, too."

"Well, her voice carries, sure."

"But she laughs and smiles. People could learn from that."

"Maybe. Kind of makes you wonder if she's, you know, mature enough. The teenager quality, after all."

"Well, she performs her job ably. I see nothing wrong with her performance."

"No, she's fine. But can she handle more?"

"No one's tried."

"Right. That voice. Right?"
06/30 Direct Link
Need. Want.

Almost physical at times. Scent of his breath and skin. Touch of his mouth pressed hard against mine, tongue seeking entry, arms pulling me against the hardness of his body, his manhood. Limbs entwined. Tasting lips, skin, essence. Thudding heart filling my ears.

Cerebral, too. Impact of his smile as it touches his eyes; its light spearing my thoughts. Voiced ideas, fears wash my imagination. Sensing possibilities. Dreaming of future days and nights.

Our apartness is magnified by our busy-ness. Near-term plans prevent the in-depth conversations, reduce us to infrequent electronic touches.

Need. Want. Lament.