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I'm not sure if I finished last month's words. I guess the site wouldn't let me join the April words if I didn't. So here goes. I'm writing on April 4 for Avril Poisson. I'm stuck. This is a week of nothing. I'm in a rut and I've created a very bad habit of waking up in the middle of the night and taking a pill and schmying around the Internet for awhile and then going back to sleep. I need a new routine. I wrote that for about a year and then I got this routine. I'm not happy.
It's just another day. If I keep letting the days go by, April will be just a blur. On 4/20, it will be the anniversary of being thrown away by the nun. I still think about that place all the time and in a very strange way, I miss it. I wrote and wrote and wrote that I needed a new routine and then I got it. I don't like that one either. How do I create a routine that is satisfying to me? I don't. Life shouldn't be routine. I need to mix it up and make waves.
Today would have been a Montaditos day except that His Royal Smallness has come down with a cold. I wasn't even sure it was really a cold because at first I thought it was just an allergy attack. But he's been miserable enough to only want soup and to go to bed and sleep a lot. That's nature's way. I know it's only a matter of time before I come down with the creeping crud and then the world will come to a screeching halt. We had an adventure with a sofa and it ended up abandoned in Little Haiti.
Today is the day that I must do the taxes for His Royal Smallness. He wants to go to Jackson tomorrow to get certified for their services. I still think the whole exercise is a waste of time because he owns a house and already has health insurance. It's a way to stop paying a ridiculous amount each month and hopefully be able to go to doctors there and not pay so much. We'll see. He wants me to do his taxes because he's sure they'll be less in 2012 than they were in 2011. We shall see very soon.
OMG, I finally, after a week of hemming and hawing, got around to doing my taxes on HRBLOCK.COM and I was less than pleased with the results, so, of course, I'll be doing them again at that site and maybe even over at turbotax.com. I'm almost ashamed of myself for lying around all week with all these papers on the bed and not getting anything done. I don't know what the motivation was yesterday except that the date draws closer and I've run out of procrastination time. I took HRS to an appointment yesterday that is next Friday.
My iPhone alarm woke me this morning to tell me there's a fabulous estate sale at 0900. I'm not going. I got up and had a cup of coffee and was happy to feel that the temperatures are low this morning. I know there won't be many more days like this so I'm going to get out and enjoy it while I can. I've decided that I'm going to see Helen for lunch today because I want to see that Brownie look alike kitty. Is that bad? I don't think Helly even knows it's me there, but I still go.
What a long strange trip it's been. Today was another one of those days. I've been having a streak of those. I think smoking pot yesterday and today didn't do much for my enthusiasm! I'm apathetic. I've lost the will to live. What's love got to do with it? I've decided that I'm going to make the best of this week. This is the week that I'll send in the tax returns. I'm not happy with the results, but at least they're done. Now I can move on to the next order of procrastination, dieting and de-cluttering the house.
Here i sit on April 12 not having written one entry this week. This has not been a good week. I've been in a complete and total rut. Mostly, it's because of the taxes but as I sit here and tap out these 100 words, I realize that deep down I'm in my annual April funk. This is the month that my life changed some 40 years ago. And yet, here I sit and wonder, how much has it really changed if I'm still in the same rut? I've frittered away a perfectly good life. Now what is left, hmm?
It's not just about income taxes anymore. It's much deeper. The taxes are just a symbol. Each year, they come back to remind me of how I'm not successful. I'm just another person. I'm every man. I'm sad and unhappy and disenchanted. Life has let me down. And it's too late to do anything about it except to be a bitter hateful and angry old man. Did you know that if you're a bitter hateful and angry young man that you will grow up to be a bitter hateful and angry old man? It's destiny. That's the way it is.
It's just another hump day in April. This month is the cruelest month. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time dealing with spring this year. It just sort of creeped up on me. I've been awfulizing about every little thing and now I'm already starting to worry about hurricane season. We still have another good month and a half not to even think about it, yet it's already on my mind. That means I should be making plans to get the hell out of here when the big one hits. Is this going to be the year?
Today I went to "work." I started the day at a "meeting." And then when I was done with my charade, I drove down to Coconut Grove to have lunch with Amy and Kim. Next week is the memorial mass for the maintenance guy who dropped dead at the convent. I'm not going. But I do have to have a haircut. My hair was a mess at lunch yesterday and Amy didn't hesitate to tell me.The full moon is coming soon so I'm going to get my hair cut for that occasion. And then maybe my mood will improve.
It's almost Friday the 13th but it sure feels like some sort of red letter day. I have to finally bite the bullet and send off the income tax returns. They are so pitiful. I know that since I didn't work for half the year last year that mine would be paltry. But I didn't think that Raoul would insist on perpetuating his charade that he didn't work for half the year. The result is that our income has fallen to a poverty level. I wonder how much longer we can carry on this way and stay in this house.
The taxes are done and sent off. I waited until the last minute like I do every year. I think last year, I finished them in mid-March or something ridiculous like that. And then a month later, I was thrown away from my job. Who knew that would be the last "normal" year I would file taxes. It's always been a challenge for me to file taxes for His Royal Smallness because I've always felt they were an artistic fictional art form. The whole charade is a ridiculous exercise meant to humiliate the average American. I, the average American.
I'm in a funky rut right now. I not only can't get out of it I have no desire to do so. I'm just lying about the house and getting fatter and fatter. Here's how funky I've become. I even blew off the gay pride parade today. That's one event that makes me truly happy. And now looking at other people's photos, I'm even more down than I was before. I gotta do something to get me outta this funky fresh feeling. I'm pissed because my room was bombed today and I'm still getting bitten by fleas. Fuck that shit.
Yay, it's GDMF tax day and the taxes are done. I couldn't give a rat's ass but I swear last week the whole concept of paying money to the government put me into such a place that I haven't been able to break free. Today is the day that I have to try to get to a better place. The house is cluttered with crap that's going to be donated and then maybe when I see that things are getting back to normal, I'll be there too. It's a good day to die. I've taken enough pills already. Take off!
I gotta get done with this in a hurry because I have a busy day ahead. Yesterday was the day the Boston Marathon was bombed. We came home from a Home Depot errand and pizza at Steve's and it was already on all the TV channels and stayed that way for the rest of the day. I went to bed early last night and just woke up. It's only 0700 and I have to get downstairs and finish getting the donations organized because the Salvation Army is coming today to pick up everything. It's going to be an exciting day.
Raoul reminded me that today is the anniversary of his mother's death. Now we're arguing whether it's been eight or nine years. I have to go check but it's not important right now. I also got a text message from Lynne that today is Meg O'Brien's birthday. I know that she's been gone 14 years. So many memories. And today is the memorial service for the maintenance guy who dropped dead at the convent a week ago. Life is short. I have to get up and help Raoul get his beauty salon ready for remodeling. And the beat goes on!
I'm sort of pissed off at "work" for the B.S. they've been weaving for the past few weeks and months. Since it took them months to apply for membership in an association, I decided that I'm only going in to their office once a week. Today, there's a finance committee meeting that I'll go to so that will be my weekly appearance. Meanwhile, the remodeling of Raoul's beauty salon continues in an effort to get the upstairs apartment ready for a renter. Life goes on. The beat goes on. The pace quickens, but we adjust the cadence. Let's go.
You know, it's not so hard to start a good habit. I've recently gotten into the habit of coming here first thing in the morning to write 100 words. Of course, as soon as I'm done with that, I go over to my other social tasking website at 750 words dot com and write another 750 words. So, I ask - why is it so easy to start these good habits and I can't get myself on track with eating and exercising? We're already well into the fourth month of the year and I've yet to make good on that resolution.
I just lost 100 words and I had to come back and start writing all over again. Can I write a new version of the same 100 words? Not a snowball's chance in hell. But that's okay. I just want to write 100 words about today being a holiday with the date of 420 and what it meant in my life as a 60-year-old. Life is fun and different and wonderful and everything that's good about being alive. I'm glad to be here and hope to be here a lot longer. I know not the number of days.
It's so easy to forget this social task because it lets me catch up when I miss days. But I'm not crazy about writing three days worth of entries in the morning before I start my 750 words exercise. Plus, it's kind of hard for me to remember back three days to write about what was happening! I can barely remember what happened yesterday. On Saturday, I celebrated 420 day so I was still stoned Sunday and I went out on the boat for stone crabs with Danee. I got way too much sun and I'm over burned. Not pretty.
I don't like Mondays. I decided to just stay in my room all day. I'm still burned like a piece of bacon and I just want to be left alone. I'm blowing off a board meeting and going into the "office." I even blew off going to Mahli's house to work on the latest project. I went with her on Saturday to Starbucks to talk about the scope and it seems to be a pretty easy job. That said, it will take many days and days to finish. This week will be the week we tackle it. Get 'er done!
I just put on the air conditioner. I woke up feeling sweaty. It's going to be another hot day and we're not even into the merry merry month of May. I have a lot to do around the house because Raoul and Yusbell are finishing up the salon changeover. The house is still filled with stuff from the formerly filled Florida room and more stuff is coming down from the upstairs former beauty salon. I guess it wasn't such a bad idea to get this project off the ground, but I don't know what to do with all the stuff.
Wow, what does it mean that the featured entries are from 2005 and 2007? Is anyone writing here anymore? Am I going to lose all my rambling thoughts. Maybe after I write some words here, it could be a good thing to go back and review some of my past words. It's not easy being 60. Sometimes I wish I could have a do over. But I realize that's not possible. I just have to live with the fact that I'm nearing the end of my life and I just have to make the best of what's left. It's good.
I forgot to mention yesterday that it was the 36th birthday of my son. I remember 36 years ago like it was yesterday. Being in South Miami Hospital. It seemed so modern and bright. I bet if I go there today, it would be a completely different place and feeling. I wonder if Pamela and I were ever truly happy. I wonder what constitutes happiness? Why is it two days in a row, I'm stuck on the concept of happy? It's what you make of it. I'm a pretty happy guy, but I've been down for about a year already.
TGIF, baby. It only means something when you've toiled at work all week. This was a blah week for me. I just let it pass by. I ran away from my problems, my reality and created a new possibility. I drove around Wynwood and looked at possibilities. I want to open a new shop. I think it's going to happen. I just have to accept that there's going to be a lot lot lot of money spent up front and then there will be a miserable trickle of income. See, that's why it's so hard for me to justify it.
It's Regina's anniversary. I miss her as much today as almost 40 years ago. I let that one event mold my life. Instead of just getting over it, I've let it shape my feelings about life in general. I realize that losing my wife at such a young age made me very sensitive about life. I appreciate life. I just haven't been able to appreciate it. I'm very happy to have a healthy son who is totally grown up and I only wish that he would make me a grandfather. The beat goes on. It's gonna be a good day!
Letting the days go by. Wish I had just let it go by. Luckily I have a new attitude. But today would have tested anyone's patience. I went to the three different Home Depots. That statement itself is enough to make me mental. The story behind it is what's so gosh darn crazy. In the end, it was worth it. I sat in the Florida room after the blinds were installed and I was more than impressed. I hope the cracks don't come back. I hope the wetness in the wall is gone. I hope we sell this old house.
The end of April is difficult. Why is April so difficult? One more day and then it's May. I'm glad to get through this part of the year. It's spring fever already. Came right on time, as usual. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. I went to work. It was nothing. There's no there there. I like watching the people on the staff interact. I imagine being part of the give and take. But they're just teasing me. It's okay. I quit. I need a thrifty solution with a sandwich on the side. What am I waiting for? Busy.
I can feel it, yes. This year will positively fly and before we know it, we're singing holiday songs and bundling up. How I look forward to that 15 minutes from now. Meanwhile, the beat goes on. Typing into the last entry of the month is yet another sure sign that the relentless march of time just continues marching through rain or snow. I'm back dating as it were. I thought, "How convenient. I've come to write on April 30 and it's the last day of the fourth month. April showers will bring May flowers, dammit. Bloom, you mother fuckers.
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