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The airways in my lungs have loosened enough to allow me to move about a bit more freely once more. I worked out briefly today and cursed myself because it wasn't as much as usual. I am going to attempt to venture out of the neighborhood tomorrow: exchange a dress, search for the sixth season of 'The Office' on dvd, visit my zen places, stroll through Old Town in the snow with coffee wishing I still smoked (only half-kidding), maybe swing through the shops. I am determined to make the most of my last day of vacation until March.
Negative eleven degrees outside right now? Good thing I have no cause to be anywhere besides this beat-up sofa. I hope my booty-call boy is good and intoxicated by now so he won't be feeling the chill as severely. I'm feeling magnanimous at the moment.
Where do I begin my search? How will someone know I am looking unless I send up flares? I feel as if I should frequent some particular haunt in hopes of recapturing the intent behind what I seek. I wish I felt more confident in doing this on sole mission status every day.
All it takes is a few simplicities to get one's life back on track. A casual smile at the supermarket, a phone call with a best friend, the ability to breathe through one's nose...
One of my 'shadows' left me today. The other one just celebrated his AA "birthday" of having one year sober since he was eleven years old. ELEVEN. When I was eleven, I was worrying about padding my bra, learning what a french kiss was, longing for a romance as fiery and passionate as Danny and Sandy's in "Grease."
Oh, how the times do change so quickly.
The eye juice has been flowing with some odd regularity of late. I'm not feeling particularly melancholy; on the contrary, my spirits have lifted a great deal in the last few days. But EVERYTHING has a tendency to make me slightly weepy right now! Silly e-mails, songs, the sound of someone's voice, a touching comment from a student. I can't believe I didn't lose it yesterday when saying good-bye. Or when revealing too much. Departures always affect me in a peculiar manner. Sometimes, I shut off the feelings if they are too much to handle in the moment.
This year is not starting off amazingly.
There is only so much to do with impending grief. I have never been in said situation, until now, and I'm at something of a loss for how to feel. Or act. Or envision the future.
How do you
treat someone differently when you know they will not be in your life for an indefinite amount of time? That the most finite outcome of all is lurking in the very near days to come? How do you not thank them every second they are about, just for being in your silly life?
It seems that sometimes stifling, overwhelming emotion blocks the normal channels of flow of one's internal self. And a breakthrough can relieve and unclog some of the agonizing funk within. Not that this purging ultimately eliminates the anguish, but I do believe that it aids in the 'dealing with' and 'getting through' processes.
What is it about calling Mom that is, without question, a surefire way to unplug the tears? Public displays of emotion cripple me; I fell just enough out of shape that half an hour of spinning brought on physical pain to quell the sadness for a few.
Un-freaking-believable. Yesterday, I was honored with the highest possible honor given within my agency: the Youth Worker of the Year award for 2010. I am only "100 wording" about this because I am still reeling. This is simply an incredible recognition, probably the most meaningful one I've ever received. For every moment I awoke and dreaded something about my day, for each time a student chose a choice word or phrase to describe me when they were angry, for all of the stress of simultaneously attending grad school
this job, I have been completely and utterly validated.
Gin, champagne, sake, plum wine, absinthe, more champagne, two different kinds of cheap beer. WOW.
(I'm not divulging why this list is so pertinent. It's not that obvious.) Is it a wonder I'm exhausted today?
Today: brunch at Silver Grill, liquor pick-up, top shopping at Super T and the mall, dash home for mad cleaning session, put face on, answer texts, drink, answer door, organize food, guests arrive, play Catch Phrase, pig out, continue drinking, discuss not smoking with my boss, white elephant sock exchange, drink, roll on floor with laughter, drink, welcome newcomers, drink, muscle relaxers, blog, bed.
It has been snowing for nearly 24 straight hours now. Outsiders quip, "oh, you live in Colorado! Of course you'll get lots of snow!" Untrue. In speaking with my Waylon back in NC, he states that they have several feet on the ground and it's still coming down. Plus, it's been snowing there since October. This is merely the second snowstorm the northern foothills of CO has seen since last winter. Though no notification has yet been posted, I am mildly terrified that schools will be closed tomorrow and we will be forced to conduct classes in the residences. TERRIFIED.
As if Mondays weren't already challenging enough, a power outage during the storm yesterday caused the timer on our boiler at school to go off and not reset itself properly. It was about fifty degrees this morning; to be clear, I keep my thermostat at home firmly set at 75 degrees during this blustery season. It was so cold this morning, we considered having the bus turn around and take the kids back. Everyone has been walking around in gloves and coats all day, which is semi-hilarious considering what fashion plates these kids believe they are on normal days.
A girl in my fifth hour class informed me that I didn't look like someone who lived in "the ghetto." Considering the source, I took this as a compliment (though it was utterly unwarranted--there was no talk of ghettos or my current residence prior to this remark). Naturally, this led into a conversation about the various parts of my small suburban city in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains and what could be considered "ghetto" (such a subjective term--I was surprised!). I think my friends from Watts would probably fall over in peals of laughter hearing this conversation.
Three days and counting as anxiety sets in! Putting one's self in charge of a large and daunting project can inspire creativity...or make even the staunchest of souls quiver with nerves. Though I'm working out so hard it would be impossible not to sleep each night, this impending madness is still keeping me awake and thinking for hours on end. I'm nerves, and excitement, and fear! More people keep asking to 'help' and fewer others are getting back to me when I desperately seek their correspondence. Yikes. Anxious. What have I done? Will this ultimately all be worth it?
Eddie has decided that in order to pass me notes during class, he will write them, crumple them into balls and throw them at my desk. At first, his classmates were amused (and I couldn't hide the way it made me grin a bit, too), but eventually, amusement gave way to annoyance when they were trying to focus on lessons and he continued throwing paper at me. Soon, crumpled balls became paper airplanes, which were even more distracting.
I reread this and thought how differently it would be if I were another student, and not the teacher in this scenario.
The broad distinction between "that" and "this" is blurring--and everyone notices. I can't even talk about it without people making assumptions...and I strongly doubt that you can, either. Yikes. Why do you think all of those eyes weigh so heavily upon our every movement when in the shared room? This is damned tricky, now. And must be treated with caution, integrity, and honesty (if nothing else). Again, placing these letters in this formation of words is utterly ridiculous in comparison to the reality of heaving and tumultuous emotion placed here, but what else is there to possibly do?
Banner day. Red-letter day. Wave the flags and sound the alarms. The big group photo shoot I have been organizing and planning for the past month and a half went off today in THE most amazing form. Everyone was there. People liked one another. The outfits/make-ups/wardrobe were more than slightly impressive! We shot at SO may locations and I am certain that many of the photos came out absolutely amazingly. Despite some weird awkwardness and hateful thwarting, it truly still was the most incredible experience. I'm already gearing up for the next shoot: coming in March!!
ďIím still frustrated from last night, things happened in half time. Iím sick of it all. No time for half-hearted good-byes, wish it could be all right; choking back the urge to fight. The panic beginsÖas autumn turns its back on me againÖI climb the walls for more than this. Still donít know exactly who I amÖI canít compete with all your damn ideas. This isnít working out for you and me. The truth is Iím too tired to play pretend. This is good-bye; this is the end.Ē
The allure of the Pacific is enticingly overwhelming. Sun, sand, humidity, busting traffic, celebrities, the vibe. I can't wait to get back to L.A. If I am to trust all of the signs I am seeing and feeling, then they are pointing towards my making my extended hiatus from real life even more of a permanent lifestyle. I miss the beach, the people, the way of life on the SoCal coast. I don't think I'm made for Colorado living any longer; I can feel my enchantment with my little suburb ebbing from me more and more each passing day.
You have been caged once more; your wings fluttering that same tepid, staccato beat against the glass and in the hands of your keepers. And now you have exhausted every last outlet and they will be shoving complacency into your guts once more, but you already knew that, didn't you? Your hollow bones can only withstand so much pressure before you fold over, snapping and popping into another form of existence: self upon self. You need to come home, to be near the safer places, even if these places do not satiate your curiosity or your sense of despondency anymore.
Sometimes, the world has a tendency to crumble down in the smallest increments, until there is no longer a base upon which one can plant his/her feet. As pieces break and slide, it's often a challenge to notice at first alteration. Even the most astute may only chalk up the changes to the moon, the time of the month, the state of affairs in the world at large. Until it's too late. Until the knees buckle gradually and the legs give out...
Eventually, without even realizing it, you've landed square on your ass, with no means of standing again.
Ooh! A new project for which to commit myself! It's been a handful of years (ahem) since i had the opportunity to organize a fashion show, and this one is going to be EPIC! Jer and I are going to be creating a masterful masterpiece of mastery. I suddenly decided that I really don't know why I keep writing these little blurbs each day, since no one reads them, and I did start a blog that I should be maintaining. It must be because I sincerely adore the wee challenge of executing my deepest, darkest thoughts in exactly 100 words.
The tedium of this process is rather gnawing at me, of late. I don't find that anything is interesting enough to write about each day...I don't know why I am doing this; somehow I can't seem to cease, either. This has been a rough day/week/month/past two years since everything fell apart. I wonder if I am ever going to be able to utterly move along with my emotional progression, my passions, my life. I don't want to worry if I am boring someone with my problems and I don't want to hide in the wine anymore.
Thank god for the fantastic people in my life. I had something of a breakdown last night and called Pete at 3:30 in the morning, needing solace in familiarity. And naturally, he did not disappoint and came down early this afternoon. We dished, and he occupied my thoughts and our conversation with topics other than the tricky, painful, and sludge. While this entire weekend has been overly filled with others and I am in dire need of my time t myself, it has been truly remarkable to learn of how much people do care, and how they are present.
This has been an awesomely overwhelmingly full weekend. Amanda, Amanda 2, Annie, Lauren, Max, Jaime, Jer, Derek, Kim, Pete, Hunter, Eric, Michael, Caitlin, Trevor, Adam, Lena, Megs, Chuck, and Nathan all played roles in this wildly social adventure. I am exhausted and ecstatic for my upcoming adventure to New Mexico by myself. I usually spend so much time in seclusion, it's been interesting trying out the social butterfly role for a change. But it can't last; I'm already longing for my alone time. Therefore, I believe that this trip is going to be the perfect little getaway just for me.
While everything has been turned on its head at my school for the time being, things in my personal life are equally as chaotic and ridiculous. However! I actually may have something of a "date" next weekend upon returning from my big adventure! The gentleman in question is an old friend from the Starlight heydays; we used to listen to Coheed all night, drinking in my room, and cuddle. He found me on FB last night, we started chatting, and eventually he asked me to meet up with him next weekend. This week will be awash with anticipation and excitement!
Running, going, breathing heavily because there is NO time to stop and merely rest, even for a moment. Did the trivia thing, doing the meetings with Jeremy thing for the fashion show, first paper of the semester due this week, preparation for the big adventure, and my darling bestie has gotten herself committed once again. As much as I am craving travel these days, I think I may have to actually take my upcoming Spring break and just chill for a week! Or at least mostly stay local and limit my adventures to the confines of this big square state.
UGH, what a mess. I have NEVER been treated in such a despicable manner by a student that I cared for so much. By plenty of other students, sure, but this was completely unexpected. Ironically, he abused me in almost exactly the same manner as his arch nemesis within the program did last Spring. I don't think he would appreciate it much if I told him this. Ah, well. Another day, another insult-filled test of will and how much I want to be in the position I currently occupy (I, of course, very much do want to be there).
I have this enormous occasion coming to fruition this weekend for which I have been planning and looking forward to for over a month now, and the majority of my focus remains on the night after I return home...I imagine I am putting WAY too much curiosity into this meeting; I'm not really even sure why it sounds like such a very desirable plan...but it certainly seems to be lighting me up a little bit more than I was prior to agreeing to the plan at hand. Blasts from the past always serve as amusement, if nothing else...
I am off on my big adventure! I can't believe my brothers concocted such an amazingly extravagant and fabulous vacation/experience for their silly sister. This will mean I have seen Jimmy play in four cities across the southwest! That's a pretty staunch fan, I would say. I think, too, that this little jaunt into the unknown is going to strengthen my self-preservation and ignite the flames of fodder for blogging potential. Mostly, I am stoked for flying! There is no good way to explain how much I adore it; it's one of the most amazing feelings there is.
Thank you, Dante for being so helpful and lovely when a girl has the potential to get herself into a world of trouble when riding a liquor/band-suffused high of jocularity. Alone. In a city notorious for its crime. Thank you, Zak for taking a chance on what sounded like a gross drink to you at the hotel bar and making 'em just how I like 'em (doubled up, more JD to a splash of Ginger). And mostly, thank you Casey and Adam. You guys are the most generous, fantastic, loving and thoughtful brothers a sister could ever have.
Last night, I kinda had a date. I say "kinda" since it was something of an incidental meeting and catching up with an old acquaintance from a much more auspicious time in my life. The odd part of it all was that he and I had more in common in the ways of likes, dislikes, philosophies, interests, and goals than perhaps with any other person I have ever met previous, male or female. It was bizarre. It was like talking to the male incarnation of myself. Love connection? Much too soon to tell. I would like to hang out again...
What a bizarre and fascinating weekend: travel, connections, music, JEW, Cirque, Mama, ordering a feast from Austin's, J&G's, NOT napping. I don't know how I could possibly have anything resembling something quite so thrilling and full again (well, it would take a LOT). And today, the student with whom I had been verbally sparring wrote me a letter that brought tears to my eyes and filled me with a newly restored hope in humanity and life, on the whole. I wish I had the opportunity to get on a plane to fly off somewhere once a week or so.
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