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BY Gemini

07/01 Direct Link
"Won't you quit your crying? I can't sleep
One minute I'm a little sweetheart
And next minute you are an absolute creep

We've got obsessions
I want to wipe out all the sad ideas that come to me when I am holding you
We've got obsessions
All you ever think about are sick ideas involving me, involving you

We've got obsessions
I wanna erase every nasty thought that bugs me every day of every week
We've got obsessions
You never told me what it was that made you strong and what it was that made you weak

Sunday, wake up, give me a cigarette
Last night's love affair is looking vulnerable again."
07/02 Direct Link
"I've fallen out of favour
And I've fallen from grace
Fallen out of trees
And I've fallen on my face
Fallen out of taxis
Out of windows too
Fell in your opinion
When I fell in love with you

Sometimes I wish for falling
Wish for the release
Wish for falling through the air
To give me some relief
Because falling's not the problem
When I'm falling I'm in peace
It's only when I hit the ground
It causes all the grief

This is a song for a scribbled out name
And my love keeps writing again and again
This is a song for a scribbled out name
And my love keeps writing again and again."


07/03 Direct Link

I canít actually tell you what Iím doing. You would think it stupid.

I have offered up everything and all I get is the minimum, how familiar?

I literally feel it cutting through, the crushed present being held out, the ripping.

I can feel the ripping.

But then itís over and someone is nursing it, pleaseÖnot you.

So many overlaps.

Except you come back, you donít leave me doing the thing that shows weakness.

Thatís twice I mutter. Except three times doesnít even apply.

I give up, right now I let you win.

Anything just to sleep, anything to escape.

07/04 Direct Link

Build the wall faster. Stop the ice breaking through.

This vicious cycle that is eating us up, your angry face, my cold unfeeling. If I can get this wall up quicker then maybe we all stand a chance. But that ice from that cold heart is spreading out.

My biggest nemesis has always been jealousy, I have experience this type before. It is the type that breaks through the world you have created to how you wanted it, aiming to change it.

I just want you, but I canít expect that. Not while Iím being volatile.

I donít want cold.

07/05 Direct Link

One of the happiest days, I had done it. One of these thoughts I hoped for came true.

Iím still present. You cared.

Just a few words and I find myself beaming.

To even taste a sample of what I went through, thatís enough. To know you feel too.

That my happiness has burnt through.

I donít need you. You exist in burnt up ashes of what couldíve been.

But you know that now, a whisper of what was said, itís enough to know you felt it.

Each day to itís own, but I wonít forget walking in the sun.

07/06 Direct Link

You said the words, and I said them back. We missed each other. Truth is I never meant to lose you. Life got in the way and we sort of fell apart. Couldnít really stop it.

But I have missed you.

I remember that we used to fight, but now I know I can spill my soul you. The irony is cutting.

All I ever really wanted was find someone to trust. They were there the whole time.

Someone to emphasise.

It wasnít what I thought would happen.

Other plans had been decided.

But Iím back now, Still got you.

07/07 Direct Link
It was raining, but this was supposed to be one of the events of my life time.
So I stood there, drenched, absorbing, laughing, shivering and taking in the moment.
The flame whipped past in the smallest amount of time, but I still saw it.
It took a while to dry off, but I've got a feeling I will remember the weather more.
Today was a day of surprises any way, spending the day doing what I love, making it up as I go along with a person I love to ramble with above all others.
The rain didn't stop.
07/08 Direct Link

I wonder if I will miss anyone.
I think of the people I know by name and smile and think I will, but in the holidays I only think of them in quick snap shots.
Those who I'm supposedly closest too, if they truly are then this will not be goodbye.
It is the people I am friends with but will have no excuse to talk to that I will miss.
Those that I walk home with and talk with deeply.
When I don't have to share their company why bother anymore?

Goodbye is never as good as you dream.

07/09 Direct Link
"She can't see the landscape anymore
It's all painted in her grief
All of her history etched out at her feet

Now all of the landscape, it's just an empty place

Cause she's just like the weather, can't hold her together
Born from dark water, daughter of the rain and snow
Cause it's burning through the bloodline
it's coming down the family tree
Rolling in the landscape, darling, in between you and me

She wants the silence but fears the solitude
She wants to be alone and together with you

I wanna give you back the open sky
Give you back the open sea
Open up the ages, darling, for you to see."

07/10 Direct Link

I really don't like children. maybe one day when†I have a family of my own they will be the beacon of light in my life.
But right now, they annoy the hell out of me.
I don't see the cuteness in a newborns face. I just see a baby.
I don't understand the childish quirks and how depressing it is how the child must grow.
The woe of the fact they don't stay young forever.
The whole purity thing? They are human? That isn't pure?
They are what can be classed as 'still loading'. I'm a horrible person.

07/11 Direct Link
† "Sometimes I get my head in a dilly
Feeling so lost, ticking you off
Now boy, you know me well
Said, Iím that kind of feeling
That kind of soft, that kind of silly
But when Iím in doubt, I open my mouth
And words come out, words come out like

Baby, thereís a shark in the water
Thereís something underneath my bed
Oh, please believe I said
Baby, thereís a shark in the water
I caught them barking at the moon
Better be soon

I wouldnít cause you any harm, I just want you in my arms
I canít help, I canít myself."
07/12 Direct Link
'In the wars' is a constant state on my body. If it's not a cut or a scar It is a newly devolped bruise.
Pain doesn't really seem to bother me when it comes from these sources, I say 'Ow' because that is what is expected when you've got bits hanging off.

I used to have a lot more scars but that was because I actively jumped around a play ground.
Now it is more of a challenge to fall over once a day, yet I seem to try anyway.
Some scars I quite like, the are like personal tattoos.
07/13 Direct Link
These people could've been my best friends. In fact any one of these faces could've been.
Putting†aside the fact they would have to give permission.

Literally anything could've happened. I need to learn quickly that change isn't bad. That these things can't last.

Everything has to end. Nothing can make it.

So even when it is happening. You know it is. But then it's not. And won't ever.

Not that i want to freeze time, I just want to hold onto and keep things the same.
If I'm happy then why should anything have to change. Please don't.
07/14 Direct Link
I can take it if I know you have to return. If I know that I can hold onto a scrap of power.

But that was threatened and I felt things snap.

Black and blue and red.

So I took what I had and shoved it home. Tried to get it mouldable and again I failed.

Yet somehow it turned out ok, the best ever if anything.

From bare-footed crisp eating strolls in the moonlight. to just the moonlight and silence.

I didn't want to leave you. But I have the feeling I will have to practice doing so.
07/15 Direct Link
I think I'm going to write a poem about you and your lives.
How I stand so close and yet feel so very separate.
I really can't tell who is who and what is what. Which one of you controls to other. Or whether you are both deluding eachother.
It is one of the strangest realtionships I have seen. Where it is questionable whether you like eachother. That you have simply partnered up as it was.
To cause more damage.
And you have, so much damage. But I will stand there.
The few chances I get, so I will stick.
07/16 Direct Link
Money had never really been a problem before, it is only paper after all.
When†I had a job it was fine, now†I am counting the pennies, saving up for a rainy day. But I doubt it will ever really come.
There is a sense of achievement in building up funds, even if you don't plan on spending it.
I have never parted with large ammoutns of money, only little bits.
But I seem to be just retain and be tight.
It's a corrupt game anyway.
I don't want to be rich, but I'm told it helps.
07/17 Direct Link
Birthday cards are always a nightmare to write. There seems to be little point if you just put

Dear EG
Happy Birthday
Love EG

Surely the extra money you spent, not to mention the time, getting the card could have been put towards a better present.
I like cards that actually mean something not just an expected social norm.

I struggle with the homemade, I'm not exactly one for presentation. But I like the idea that it is a statement and not just a tough piece of paper.

So when I write page fulls of guff in cards don't be alarmed, it's me caring.
07/18 Direct Link
I doubt I even really have a place in your life.
The only thing I can hold onto is the fact you keep me seperate from aspects of your life.
You don't class me as one of them.
That some how I don't loss favour and you don't change. Perhaps that means more than I am thankful for.
The way I show I care is pathetic and childish, little tokens resigned to primary school.
You show you care by putting up with me.
I suppose that's enough, but will it mean I won't lose you.
I highly doubt it now.
07/19 Direct Link

I don't seem to blush any more. I used to light up whenever I got vaguely sad or snapped at.
Now I don't seem to react. Just cold.
The familiar burning to my face giving me away no longer seems to exist.

I know I am capable of those violent red colours I just don't seem to produce them anymore.

Apart from when I care too much and someone comments. The snuffling of paper.
Yet somehow the colour stays down.
I have gotten used to caring too much.
My body has accepted that.
Only falling over and talking provoke red.

07/20 Direct Link
That's not fair,
I can't miss you already. Nope you can't do that!
People jokingly ask have I noticed your not there.
Of course I have. I notice nothing more.
I just have a blank white wall to aim my thoughts at.
Your not even there.

This is stupid. You can cope, it would be stupid not to.
Of course I can cope, but you are missing things.
If you were never there this is what it would be like. I would be none the wiser.
I would be where I always am, content.
So I will go back, forgetting.
07/21 Direct Link

I like being able to skulk off. With someone else.
Makes things less lonely.
Completely opposite in so many respects yet some how we fit.
We both sit and watch this absurd thing called humanity and can't ever fully join.
We make full hearted attempts, yet somehow we always seem to be on the sidelines.
We like moving apart.
We didn't meet there though.
We both seemed to nod and then drift off together.

Shall we dance my dear?
No no let us go and sit down here and discuss the dance?
Yes, I think that would be truly better.

07/22 Direct Link
I can slip easily back into the past. It is a bad thing.

These walks and talks and moments belong back where they come from.
Not even a blast.
I can't even find the words to say I missed you, you never went any where.

This can't go one and in a short time we will meet only briefly for the rest of our lives.

I am grateful and will never forget you, but I don't feel like I want this anymore.
It seems old hat.
You mean alot to me.
Lets smile because it happened.
07/23 Direct Link

I seem to be getting closer to those I thought I was running from.
A man who has always just been a man. Never a father figure.
Father only in name.
Before I accepted as I could identify, but now this man has lost everything.
Not even recognisably mine.
Just a man.
A man who has been beaten down by life, something lost that can never come back.
I wonder if I pushed or was pushed.
But now I find myself biting my tongue.

What happened to this daddy's girl?
How did it end up a girl and a man.

07/24 Direct Link
Intense.
All day I sat there waiting, even if I convinced myself I wasn't, that†I was working.
I was pretty sure I had the day right.
even though other things cling to that day.
it was a simple buzz and a message beyond that clings.

You were ok. Not that I worried. You just became so absent in a way that you could never re-create.
There was just air to talk at,
No response.
But it was ok, later than expected.

You were ok. even in the heat everything became calm.
Things were ok, I could stop counting
07/25 Direct Link

Is this all there really is to hope for.
To climb up that blasted greasy poll just to get to this.
Internal fights and competition.

You promised you could give me advice of where to go and that is all swell.

Truth it I like walking independantly.
That way if I build my own little bubble people will find it harder to break in.
They can't judge if they can't see.

it's not like I'm asking for bulletproof armour.
Just my own place to retreat to, where†I can sit merrily on my own.
and let it all pass by.
07/26 Direct Link
Little white lies, sure they don't hurt anyone. The key to lying is to believe it yourself.
if you believe it yourself you can't really go wrong. But then it all gets muddled and things get dangerously blurry.
The best thing to do is justify all your lies to make them white.
To make it seem in your own mind that you are doing the right thing.
Not just to avoid the guilt of it, but so that you can continue to convince.
So it was a little one today, but I could go on convincing the world, I'm sure.
07/27 Direct Link
Slowly ticking, tick.
This feeling of hope for what could be.
But the ticking is restless.
So many aspects are locked away in small places impossible to access.
It was only a matter of time before my mind gave in to ticking and looked forward.
Need? I go through stages of wondering that. Need?
Because then I couldn't cope.
You make me ill and you make me better, how is that even fair.
I need you to make me ill?
That's not right.
Oh mr blue sky, please tell us why you had to go away for so long. So long.
07/28 Direct Link
Round my little web I climbed.
Dipping here and then.
Inevitably the web got broken, will just spin faster.

In a web there is very little, just pure essence and time. Just something to offer up to show you.

I think that is what gets me, no matter what I offer up, be it all I can give, it will never be enough.
I will never be the girl to achieve or be.
I will never be her. The girl you want me to be.
I will sit in my constructed web and wait.
Just sit and wait and wait.
07/29 Direct Link

This could be interesting.
Don't snap. For God sake don't snap now.
Just hold it out, do what you normally do. Rant at un-expecting friends.
When everything seems so illogical, maybe it is me that has got things wrong?
Maybe in my little hormonal head I have got up and down switched round and in fact I should just do as I'm told.
But then I wouldn't be me?

I don't think I am always right, nor am I cold.
You just don't seem to see this stubborn, frustrated little girl for what she is.
Stubborn, frustrated and little.

07/30 Direct Link

You can see the strains in this happy clappy family.
Everyone clap along now.
Why aren't you clapping?
Is it because you can see the snide comments, feel the anger?
That could be the only reason I presume?
What else is wrong with this little song of ours?

It is strange to think that everything you touch seems to rot.
I do feel for you, as I get older I can see how horrid life has been to you.

That you can feel the beat of my wings and want to hold on to feel the freedom.
You shed feathers.

07/31 Direct Link

The bests day when I truly have nothing to say.
When all I have is normality and smiles and very few things to say. Not that my entries mean I'm discontent.
It just seems far better when I don't have strange thoughts to share.
In many ways you rid me of those thoughts, the darker ones.
Just leave me with warmth and stability

Some would question what we have, but it is one of the best things I have. A mutual agreement.
I won't leave you and you won't leave me.

I couldn't ask for much more from you really