I canít actually tell you what Iím doing. You would think it stupid.
I have offered up everything and all I get is the minimum, how familiar?
I literally feel it cutting through, the crushed present being held out, the ripping.
I can feel the ripping.
But then itís over and someone is nursing it, pleaseÖnot you.
So many overlaps.
Except you come back, you donít leave me doing the thing that shows weakness.
Thatís twice I mutter. Except three times doesnít even apply.
I give up, right now I let you win.
Anything just to sleep, anything to escape.
Build the wall faster. Stop the ice breaking through.
This vicious cycle that is eating us up, your angry face, my cold unfeeling. If I can get this wall up quicker then maybe we all stand a chance. But that ice from that cold heart is spreading out.
My biggest nemesis has always been jealousy, I have experience this type before. It is the type that breaks through the world you have created to how you wanted it, aiming to change it.
I just want you, but I canít expect that. Not while Iím being volatile.
I donít want cold.
One of the happiest days, I had done it. One of these thoughts I hoped for came true.
Iím still present. You cared.
Just a few words and I find myself beaming.
To even taste a sample of what I went through, thatís enough. To know you feel too.
That my happiness has burnt through.
I donít need you. You exist in burnt up ashes of what couldíve been.
But you know that now, a whisper of what was said, itís enough to know you felt it.
Each day to itís own, but I wonít forget walking in the sun.
You said the words, and I said them back. We missed each other. Truth is I never meant to lose you. Life got in the way and we sort of fell apart. Couldnít really stop it.
But I have missed you.
I remember that we used to fight, but now I know I can spill my soul you. The irony is cutting.
All I ever really wanted was find someone to trust. They were there the whole time.
Someone to emphasise.
It wasnít what I thought would happen.
Other plans had been decided.
But Iím back now, Still got you.
I wonder if I will miss anyone.I think of the people I know by name and smile and think I will, but in the holidays I only think of them in quick snap shots.Those who I'm supposedly closest too, if they truly are then this will not be goodbye.It is the people I am friends with but will have no excuse to talk to that I will miss.Those that I walk home with and talk with deeply.When I don't have to share their company why bother anymore?Goodbye is never as good as you dream.
I really don't like children. maybe one day when†I have a family of my own they will be the beacon of light in my life.But right now, they annoy the hell out of me.I don't see the cuteness in a newborns face. I just see a baby.I don't understand the childish quirks and how depressing it is how the child must grow.The woe of the fact they don't stay young forever.The whole purity thing? They are human? That isn't pure?They are what can be classed as 'still loading'. I'm a horrible person.
I don't seem to blush any more. I used to light up whenever I got vaguely sad or snapped at.Now I don't seem to react. Just cold.The familiar burning to my face giving me away no longer seems to exist.I know I am capable of those violent red colours I just don't seem to produce them anymore.Apart from when I care too much and someone comments. The snuffling of paper.Yet somehow the colour stays down.I have gotten used to caring too much.My body has accepted that.Only falling over and talking provoke red.
I like being able to skulk off. With someone else.Makes things less lonely.Completely opposite in so many respects yet some how we fit.We both sit and watch this absurd thing called humanity and can't ever fully join.We make full hearted attempts, yet somehow we always seem to be on the sidelines.We like moving apart.We didn't meet there though.We both seemed to nod and then drift off together.Shall we dance my dear?No no let us go and sit down here and discuss the dance?Yes, I think that would be truly better.
I seem to be getting closer to those I thought I was running from.A man who has always just been a man. Never a father figure.Father only in name. Before I accepted as I could identify, but now this man has lost everything.Not even recognisably mine.Just a man.A man who has been beaten down by life, something lost that can never come back.I wonder if I pushed or was pushed.But now I find myself biting my tongue.What happened to this daddy's girl?How did it end up a girl and a man.
This could be interesting.Don't snap. For God sake don't snap now.Just hold it out, do what you normally do. Rant at un-expecting friends.When everything seems so illogical, maybe it is me that has got things wrong?Maybe in my little hormonal head I have got up and down switched round and in fact I should just do as I'm told.But then I wouldn't be me?I don't think I am always right, nor am I cold.You just don't seem to see this stubborn, frustrated little girl for what she is.Stubborn, frustrated and little.
You can see the strains in this happy clappy family.Everyone clap along now.Why aren't you clapping?Is it because you can see the snide comments, feel the anger?That could be the only reason I presume?What else is wrong with this little song of ours?It is strange to think that everything you touch seems to rot.I do feel for you, as I get older I can see how horrid life has been to you.That you can feel the beat of my wings and want to hold on to feel the freedom.You shed feathers.
The bests day when I truly have nothing to say.When all I have is normality and smiles and very few things to say. Not that my entries mean I'm discontent.It just seems far better when I don't have strange thoughts to share.In many ways you rid me of those thoughts, the darker ones.Just leave me with warmth and stabilitySome would question what we have, but it is one of the best things I have. A mutual agreement.I won't leave you and you won't leave me.I couldn't ask for much more from you really