BY Gemini

06/01 Direct Link
I have a bottle system.
What many see as tolorence isn't really that. It is me clenching onto those grudges and kicking them deep within the surface.
All the times you say something, don't say something. Or hurt me in any defination of the word.
Everyone has their own bottle.
Occasionally they crack open. Pouring and spilling out the top.
For a split second two bottles clanked together.
Yours and his, the tops were blown.
Your face became his.
I had to slap it away.
with the power from the bubbley bottles I battered your face.
I have slapped him.
06/02 Direct Link
I have no idea why. It's not for the reasons everyone else does.
So the same yet so different at exactly the same time.
everything overlaps.
Is this a test in some way? whether I can learn.
Well I know I can learn, I have proved I have.
Never again.
So strange. The personalities match up yet you don't quite.
Better if I don't look in the mirror I think.
Better if I scuttle away and just pour things out.
Focus on what you know. The fact you know nothing.
A good starting point. Accept this and keep going on.
06/03 Direct Link
Ill. Luckily not the same as last time. For some reason this time I accept things.
I accept that this is the mistake I will always make. I will always return to. But I am sceptical this time.
Seems when I decide things in my head they never come true.
I have grown tired with my own beliefs. Almost as tired as I am now.
I need a break. Work this stuff out my system. This strange yellow person in the mirror shouldn't be me.
Yet they can't help it.
Better get to work on the antidote. half hearted attempts.
06/04 Direct Link
Smoking, that is what it is like.
You are not intoxicating or any part of that metaphor.
You are something that pulls me places.
Not necassirly a good place.
You pull me up to a sense of normality,
In the beginning, when I first felt.
You were exciting and fresh. But now you are smoking.
Endless drags that pull. A routine carved in for my happiness.
Sometimes I am a chain smoker others times I find other methods.
But you are the smoke I sometimes detest to breath.
But most of the time, you are my escape. Cigarette for escape.
06/05 Direct Link
That place. I will always return.
When I first see it it's not disappointment that fills me. But not the same buzz.
It has fizzled.
Maybe this is what realtionships are like but speeded up.
The intial rush only to be followed by happiness, not euphoria.
Once I am in those waters I feel better.
The same washing over my feet.
It feels good.
Not that the magic is gone, it just performs it's function.
There is no rhyme or reason, I have just accepted it.
This place will always stand, it will be mine. I will let it.
06/06 Direct Link
I wish sometimes you would just trust me.
I look at you and I know this is false.
The illusion I wish i could put up again.
This year I am just as happy, but it is a case of returning.
Not running out of things to say, but accepting what eachother says.
No it's not negative, it is sustainble.
So when I tell you to sit on the train because it is the right one I expect you to sit there.
Please, just listen to me.
Oh maybe listen yourself.
If I had said it you would've raised issue.
06/07 Direct Link
So I am back,
I hate it already. It is the same feeling of heartbreak, the knowing that even if I go to sleep, it will be there when I wake up.
The same dredged emotions swirling round again.
The moment you step through the door is opression.
The same judging faces, the need to please.
I sit on my bed and remember why I like leaving.
I return to the state of normal.
The state I should always be in.

A sense where I can be me, without the constant eyes.
Going away is bad, it makes returning worse.
06/08 Direct Link
lets return to what I know.
Chalk dust falling fast onto wood.
Today I will do this.
Bullet point.
Repeat the process till you know what you are doing with your day.
I doubt I will get it all done, but with tasks at least I can tick them off.
I have already unpacked, sometimes i leave my stuff in bags and return to it later.
Sometimes I burn the bags.
At least I have structure,
 The intial feelings are starting to subside as I let my old life flow back again.
Goodbye to freedom.
06/09 Direct Link
Dyeing my hair abit. I can't say I did it properly because I didn't.
I used this strange potion thing I found at my local pharamacy and put it in my hair.
It was basically lemon juice.
In a fit of madness I suppose.
Once I dried it had gone a slightly different colour. Nothing major.
I wonder if one day I could be more daring.
I snip the ends of my hair, but that's as far as I will go.
So instead I will suck up courage to make small changes,
Hopefully this will be practice for bigger ones.
06/10 Direct Link
I have always wanted an enemy. Me and my poetic tendancies,
but there is something fascinating about having one.
Mainly because they always tend to be very similair to you.

Not that I want an enemy in a self hating kind of way. That's too deep even for me.
But it would be good to observe myself and see what most annoyed me about them/me.

I wouldn't say I had a nemisis of current. I have people that I like to avoid. I suppose if they agreed we could become the bitterest of enemies.
I hope so.
06/11 Direct Link
Tangeled. This is the only way to describe this.
Luckily I have learnt the value of not putting labels on things. It seems stupid I can remain cold, yet my saving grace.
So when this strings that seem to pull us closer I can still snip snip snip away at chords.
Even so, it doesn't seem matter that they are beginning to cut in. I will remain bound up like a present.
Even if I can cut myself free I won't.
I will remain in my tight bound package.
I don't think I would rather be bound up anywhere else.
06/12 Direct Link
"I wanna be an idle teen
I wish I hadn't been so clean

I wanna stay inside all day
I want the world to go away
I want blood, guts, and chocolate cake
I wanna be a real fake

Yeah, I wish I'd been, I wish I'd been, a teen, teen idle
Wish I'd been a prom queen, fighting for the title
Instead of being sixteen, I'm burning up a bible
Feeling super! super! super! suicidal

The wasted years
The wasted youth
The pretty lies
The ugly truth
And the day has come where I have died
Only to find, I've come alive

Adolescence didn't make sense
The little loss of innocence
The ugliness of being a fool?"
06/13 Direct Link
You are hopeless. It is the main reason I can never be angry at you, you are so hopeless.
That mop of hair and puppy dog eyes just confirm to the world you really don't have a clue to what the heck you are doing.
You plod along like so many others.
I am sure many people are rooting for 'us' but I can confirm never ever.
You can be cruel at points.
But then again it is you hopelessness that saves you.
You do have mean bones in your body.
But you don't even realise they are there.
06/14 Direct Link
You record your victims. I had no idea. It's moments like this. Those flames burning out from the centre.
You don't just forget. I'm not sure why you can't forget. Truth be told only one name sticks in my past. Yet you recorded them all.
My name wasn't on there though. Not that I'm complaining.
But there they all were, in something that came from  your thoughts.
So even though I hurt later on and may doubt things.
You still hold scraps of humanity I thought you let go off.
I could be anybody to you. I'm a noun.
06/15 Direct Link
I was banned from taking the options I wanted to. In hindsight I was probably in the wrong as I wouldn't be able to do what I want now. So in that sense I learnt the value of listening.
But I have become stubborn in my options, not motivated.
Like a rock I will sit there, refusing to budge, because I have to put my foot down. So many people would try to de-anchor me otherwise.
Though being stubborn is negative to many. But I can't help it.
So I refuse to say things in case they undermine me.
06/16 Direct Link
Today I actually spoke alot. I always despise it when people talk at people. But I suppose in the middle of a field there was no one there to judge.
Instead I told you my theories and my thoughts. Sometimes I find things difficult to express.
But I think we got through it.
I do like opening up. I do it when it is possible.
I just don't want to come across self involved,

It always surprises me when I open up to you. There are no reasons for secrets,
You just have a awfully good nack at judging me.
06/17 Direct Link
"You don't love me, big fucking deal
I'll never tell you how I feel
You don't love me, not a big deal
I'll never tell you how I feel

It almost feels like a joke to play out the part
When you are not the starring role in someone else's heart
You know I'd rather walk alone than play a supporting role
If I can't get the starring role

Sometimes I ignore you so I feel in control
'Cause really, I adore you, and I can't leave you alone
Fed up with the fantasies that cover what is wrong

I send my best, regards from hell."
06/18 Direct Link
Handshakes are strange things.
There are many people I see on a regular basis who I feel obliged and want to talk to but would never dream of making any form of physical contact.
I get the whole, hey-look-no-weapon thing.
It just seems strange I have to place my hand in someone elses I have only just met.
I have held the hands of few, but now you are pushed in with a hand on a long stick and expected to suddenly take it up on it's offer.
I'm not germphobic.
I just don't like giving trust.
06/19 Direct Link
This man's life had been terrible.
So much loss and death and he just sat there in full awareness there wasn't long left.
He sat there spilling out his story to a stranger who just so happened to have paper and pen but did not write.
He told her about his thoughts and his loss.
But she already knew many of life's lessons.
So she just sat there, listening to what she was thrown.
The man just sat there, exhausted and expressed the fact he didn't know.
He didn't know what he had done.
'That's life sweetheart' 'Suck it up'
06/20 Direct Link
So determind for something. Everything. I can't tell fully.
You want something even you don't know, so how can I ever help.
What frustrates me above all is that you are looking for things that you have. Why can you never be content.
You are him, except your not filled with such cruelty, you are what would happen.
Whatever I feel I can offer you, it's not enough.
You will look to other places, when I offer you all that I can.
You have already broken me.
So that is out the question.
But what I have left is yours.
06/21 Direct Link

Small talk is a right pain. There is no avoidable way round it. You have to make the foundations for a proper conversation and you can't just cut the horrible questions and be yourself.
Instead you have to ask about their lives.
Sit there while in jokes fly over your head.
These normal polite questions aren't me!
I don't really need to know about your weekend, I would rather get to know you.

Why can't we skip these social norms and just agree to talk properly.
No one likes it.
There must be another way!
Just state what you intend.

06/22 Direct Link

Alice gripped the neck of the Mad Hatter.
She hated him, she hated him.
She sobbed into his purple coat, telling him she hated him.
But no matter what Alice did, she could not get away from the Mad Hatter. All the roads in wonderland led to him.
She stood there, tea in one hand.
And sobbed and yelled more.
But it didn't do anything, the more she screamed, the more she held onto the Mad Hatter.

The Mad Hatter looked at her, ignoring everything she was saying.
All he did was pour more tea, he continued the tea party.

06/23 Direct Link
"This is what makes us girls
We don't look for heaven and we put our love first
Don't you know we'd die for it? It's a curse
Don't cry about it, don't cry about it
This is what makes us girls
We don't stick together 'cause we put our love first
Don't cry about him, don't cry about him
It's all gonna happen

They were the only friends I ever had
We got into trouble and when stuff got bad
I got sent away, I was waving on the train platform
Crying 'cause I know I'm never comin' back."

At least someone gets it. Someone understands my appraoch to things, thanks.
06/24 Direct Link
'Hey I just met you but I’m emotionally damaged and I push people away and I hate myself and everyone I love leaves me and I’ll end up being clingy and annoying and you’ll hate me so call me maybe.'
I didn't write that, but it made me smile to think people had turned words to suit them.
Some songs I want to rant about because their lyrics annoy me.
'Someone like you' especially makes me bust a gut.
....'I wish nothing but the best for you' Oh please.
I would rather you had nothing like me.
06/25 Direct Link
You know what I realised today?
You were the one that pieced me together.
Sure I put that nail in the coffin, but you built the coffin and placed the body in.
When everyone else was sick and tired, you couldn't help but care.
Sure it was for selfish reaons.
But you still glued me together.
I learnt to trust someone completely again.
This time they were more deserving.
I always regret how things turned out,
Me and you aren't friends now.
we can't even talk. But you saved me.
I am sorry we're not meant to be together.
06/26 Direct Link
Today broke with what I expected.
I was forced upon many new people, yet some how it all went smoothly.
The gaps, they barely seemed to rear their ugly heads.
Oh no,
Instead the day whisked by and leaflet by leaflet I made my way.
It was easy, far simpler than I thought.
You can cut the small talk.
You just need to embrace everything. Be yourself.
They have no reason to be rude, so take advantagge of the moments when they are at their kindest.
What you are talking to know if their most polite and best behaviour.
06/27 Direct Link
There is so much history behind closed faces.
I seemed to slip between two today.
The first was a lady who wanted to tell me everything, her son's and daughter's prospects, her life and all the details inbetween.
I have discovered the knack is to talk as little as possible and only fill the silence when it needs it.
They prefer me when I don't talk.
Just sit there, smiling and nodding, making the correct noises.
The second was sweet, she must have lived through alot.
She seemed accepting and content.
Nice to understand people within a short time restraint.
06/28 Direct Link
My face went through many phases today.
It was tired, refusing to function and respond to the simpliest commands.
It then gradually began to warm up.
Too warm.
At a certain point it scowled fierecly at a passing car that contained the enemy.
but as the night drew on it gave up and just sank back into a smile.
The results were clear before it was declared. we had done it.
Now just to find someone who cares.
Someone who will, even if they pretend, show interest.
But no, the smile knows it's alone.
I will be happy alone.
06/29 Direct Link

I can see the cage going down again.
It's moments like these I know I am supposed to be free.
I just stare blankly forward as you make up some cock and ball excuse.
No, you can't throw away the key.
Instead of cling to your fantasies, perhaps you should realise I am not you, even if you want to channel yourself.
I am me, I have always been.
The sooner you can accept that.
The sooner we can get on with the things that matter.
And I can stop staring into space.
These won't hold me forever. You can't.

06/30 Direct Link
I always felt sorry for the middle child,
He had nothing special about him. The oldest had hogged the lime light, the mother could speak nothing but of the oldest.
The youngest boy was different and required attention.
The youngest, and the only daughter, she was given some attention too.
But the middle boy, he was nothing.
Nothing defined him from the others.
In many ways he was forgotten.
He was fine.
But you can tell, in his adulthood, he would know what had happened.
He would leave behind his family. Finding somewhere he could be definded as something else.