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BY Gemini

04/01 Direct Link

Posion. That is the only way to describe this place. The thick smog all around is invisible infront of your eyes. When you look wider you can see it's effect.
People in masks and breathing appliants.
This isn't what you read about.
I have only been here for 3 days but already I can feel the effects. The dryness of the the throat and burning eyes.
Your spit is black.
I was alarmed that my body was corroding away here.
I was slowly becoming a carbon body, choking on my own existance. Feel the soot in my veins spluttering out.

04/02 Direct Link
I am often called selfish. Yes I accept that this website is indulgent and that the vast number of times I use 'I' and 'me'. But today I tried to furfill a promise. You are having a troubled time at home with your parents, and I promised my own mother I would care for you.
So as much as I would happily leave you in Bejing I am going to have to force you through this crowd. If you get split up I was stay with you. I will even push you onto the train. I do try to help.
04/03 Direct Link

Cycling round and round I saw little of real China, I saw sped up China.
Even then it was tiring.
Some people smiled and some people waved, others were rude.
when everything is blurring past it's hard to take in details. But you get an overview.
Some is nice and very traditional.
Thing is people are stuck in a place between China and western China.
Even they don't know where they are, so how am I, on a whistle stop tour supposed to look into their society.
I know it's different. But in a western bubble is the only way.

04/04 Direct Link
An alien.
The bubble has poped and the spaceship has landed.
I walk along the streets and just get stared at, like some divinity.
I am nothing, yet I am different.
In a planet full of same, I am something.
Beautiful they say, So Beautiful.
They wonder why the alien looks baffled.
I am quite plain.
Yet my strangly large eyes and odd shading baffles them. If you are puzzled by something it is strange.
At least the alien shars something with the locals. The sense of beauty from the unexplainable.
A lonely little beautiful alien wandering down tight streets.
04/05 Direct Link
What is difficult to grasp is being here.
Everything is the same. You look up and you see sky and you see everything expected. Only a few changes.
Yet you are seeing things you only see on a box. The places you see captured you are creating moments on.
It seems impossible to think I am so far away from where I live. I can't just pop back.
So as I step along a great wall I can't help but think maybe this isn't china. This is a trick.
We are still on Earth. I'm not too far from home.
04/06 Direct Link

Somehow I have become a pet. A little pet that they feel they can claw round with them. Dangle by the collar and wrench into position.
My God. The time goes slow. The harder I try the more scared I feel.
Just want to curl up in a corner and force their food away from me.
Just sit there surronded by my music.
Holding up the walls to keep the invaders out.
Clutching the folded tcket to a film I went to see 3 days before I left.
Hold back the salt sea and cling to home.

04/07 Direct Link
Get me out, Get me to the bus. If I die I want it to be with people I know. I know I thought I would die in China. But not here. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Not even her. Help. Someone I feel sick. Just get me out. Like walking blindfolded. Get me home. For God's sake. Get me home. Keep going, Shi. I'm so scared. Stay strong. An ambulance? For me? They smelt my fear? Just drive me there. Fight of flight and right now I want to do both. Sit just sit, waiting for the memory to drive off.
04/08 Direct Link

While here I have been trying to keep a diary. For some reason I always write to a person called 'Sunny'. Supposdly because when I was first made to write a diary I wrote it to the weather outside.
Strangely it was always a boy.
This time letters have kept me going. I have been writing to three people. Sunny and the two I trust.
I doubt any of the three will recieve their letters.
But it does bring comfort.
I'm telling them everything. I know how they will reply.
At least, they respond how I would want them to.

04/09 Direct Link
I saw a film. Im not sure why it is films inspire me.
It was named after the song I want to dance to.
Though the ending is vaguely happy it isn't sickly it is realistic.
I keep getting cravings to watch it again.
This time I know how it ends, so I can treasure the moments the characters have together.
I don't get why he stays wh the other girl for so long. If he loves the other.
She sits there hugging a pillow waiting for him, and he longs but doesn't act.
Never let me go, please never.
04/10 Direct Link
 This is the day I will not forget. The day I saw beautiful England again.
The clouds like cartoons with their perfect curves and dramatic effect on the scenary. The sun blaring through.
Then the journey back where I said goodbye. It was over and I was home.
It could feel the memories becoming just that, a school trip. But they weren't just that, I had changed because of them.
I had become self sufficent.
Then, I will never forgive you, you pulled me away from the two people I wanted to see more than anything. Hugged them hard.
04/11 Direct Link
I am home. But I don't feel like it at all. I have been dumped back somewhere which is called my home.
I can can review the home I created for myself. I question it.
Not because that's what I want to do, but because I can't seem to help myself. The realtionships I thought I needed seem so small.
This is why I hate breaking from routine.
My little life with it's mannerisms and habits.
I can't seem just to go straight back.
I am with the host family again, this is the one I have to stay with.
04/12 Direct Link
I know who I should talk to, and the person I shouldn't. The person who I love. The person who I have let in and regret doing so.
I have constructed small tests and the results are inconclusive, it doesn't matter how I feel.
If I pull away they will drift, probably even swim.
To clarify love doesn't mean fancy, it means depends upon for irrational reasons.
I can't hide the fact that I am happiest when I lean on you and you lean on me.
When I fall asleep on your already sleeping body and drift away.
04/13 Direct Link
Why do I still feel completely out of it. Why can't I get back what I lost. my familarity with my own life.
Seems I have been thrown away somewhere else, somewhere else I have to adopt back into.
This place is more comfy, and in a way it feels like I was never gone.
I just can't accept things. The fact this is what I did before I went, the life I carved out for myself.
It is different.
It's not what I expected. Maybe I have grown used to in my head reverting back. This is me.
04/14 Direct Link
It feels so good being away. Though the lie in made me groggy and useless at least I wasn't running round.
Surethe money was good and I enjoyed myself at times.
It wasted hours. Hours that I didn't want to lose.
It wasn't a bad way to spend my time because it was acceptable and good. Now I just waste away in bed.
But I learnt all that I could from there and was finally accepted.
In leaving I have lost any connections,
But it was fine while it lasted.
I am just pleased be unemployed, may regret it later.
04/15 Direct Link
I find it weird to know I have already forgotten a large part of my life, even thinking back to yestarday I can only remember certain bits. Even then I have changed them. My mind has scarbbled them into my own language.
The more you remember the more you forget the truth.
That irony isn't even funny.
Because the 'truth' trapped me. So occasionally when I remember a pure memory I try to forget it. Keep it safe. Like dreaming, the best ones you can try and store when they are fresh.
The ones that you decide on should go.
04/16 Direct Link
I never really accept apologies. Not because I don't believe them, though that is a common deciding factor. But because even showing regret doesn't change anything.
Yes I will tell you not to worry and it's fine. But of course I don't mean that. By the pure nature of you trying to apologise you know you have done something, and if you really mean it,You will understand why I will never quite look at you the same way.
You did something, and it hurt. Not that sorry doesn't cut it, it just doesn't build a time machine and resolve.
04/17 Direct Link

I can't say I haven't learnt anything. Sure it may not be examable, but it is still deep rooted in me.
I often wonder what people can remember about their own lives. I can only think of a few key moments older than 10 years old that have affected me. Such as the moments that I knew I was going to have to get used to the silence, this is humanity after all.
One of the best lessons I learnt was not to label things. Defining them doesn't make them last. If anything they are over the moment you label.

04/18 Direct Link
When I leave the nest I wonder who I will miss. I don't think it will be anyone. No one has been consistent.
Even stability turned a blind eye. But don't woe betide, this is me thinking aloud.
Even those that should still judge and anger. It seems it will be those furthest I may miss.
The one who I was pretty much bought to the world with, yes I think her.
But my nearest and dearest, will I? I need one, but then there are those that I don't think will miss me, Do I squander emotions then?
04/19 Direct Link
So today I was in a strange mood. Strange because I didn't think I was any different. But Strange because everyone else thought I was. Maybe it was them.
Swimming seemed to force the block out. The mental thoughts that get clogged again.
Somehow the water was cleansing like the clichés say. Strange how it's the only time I get to actually think and I shy away from it.
Stranger again how sometimes emotions can burst through.
I see it and I want to scream so loudly in your face, tell you how much I hate you. I do.
04/20 Direct Link

Maybe the Romans shouldn't of built walls. In the end what use did they do.
The Gauls and the Pathians still invaded, no matter how straight the roads they tried to build.
As great as the Romans were I don't think they truely considered everything, because Rome fell, and fell hard.
Even after different stages with different leaders Rome still suffered.
The danger came from the inside.
Inner conflicts crippled it, those closest to Rome killed it.
They spread it's emotions too thin and expected too much.
Rome was idealism, it was the dreamers on the insider that murdered her.

04/21 Direct Link

Politics is one thing I can love, because it's my type.
It is passionate for things, and involves sheer masses. It holds those with all different beliefs and makes them into a mix bag of interest, something you could only begin to grasp.
It is fun and exciting, a type of game that could only include fire.

Yet, it is changable and not something to rely on.
it neglects you for the next big thing and sweeps you aside.
It transplants you around and judges you.
It expresses you darkest opinions and uses them against you. It manipulates your speech.

04/22 Direct Link

Fear and low expectations are good as they prepare you, realism that is what is key.
I expected you to roll up with your dyed hair and fabulous friends and expect me to go gaga and be like them.
Instead I think you have expected aspects of me.
It was fine, far betterthan expected.
However if I had wanted to past, where we couldn't leave eachother's grasps. Played dress up and hidden under my bed. Even when I longed for you to ignore my sister and filled full of jealousy.
You were you and I was me, it was fine.

04/23 Direct Link

My holiday has alot to live up to, last year it helped save me away for a while. This time it has to calm me.
When I go away with the person who I can rely on I can re-evalute things.
I fell to easily back into the pattern that I had created in the wake of my waking.
So this time, I will expect what I get. Nothing too high, just somewhere to rekindle and recoup.
Think things clearer, because I don't care if you smile for the happiness, I still can't quite let go of it.

04/24 Direct Link
You would think I would of learnt.
Things don't work out the way you want, not for me anyway. There are many other things I could do,
I could walk away now, fizzle away into the background.
I could fight for my happiness and refuse to let go, thing is when I did that last time it didn't end well.
I could be what you want me to be, the person you refer to when you need them, the person that stays a human not an individual.
The thing I don't need to do is cry. That helps no one.
04/25 Direct Link
the intial stages flowers began to grow, what did I expect, it was raining outside. Flowers can sometimes be placed and then flourish, some grow from the strangest places and they tend to root themselves deeper.
I don't know what I expected, but I know what I feared. Here it is.
The flowers sprung up deep,
but then gardens began to expand, some flowers change for seasons.
So it's hardly surprising when dug out with the dirt shaken off that the flowers drew themselves in red.
The flowers in absence spiralled their way this way and that, filling empty space.
04/26 Direct Link
Resolution. I think it is safe to say. I will always embody that green eyed monster, the one that lurkes in my past.
But at least everyone knows that.
I make it clear why.
I learnt long ago that you should always ask the questions you are scared to. Because sometimes people do care enough not to give you the answer you are waiting for.
Some people don't want to let go.
As I kick and flick and glide.
I feel things getting better.
I can do this. Stand alone, but preferbly with you.
But thank you, for being there.
04/27 Direct Link
Well the truth will out. If it doesn't I will chase it out. Perhaps I am getting to know you to well.
I do wonder how things will work out. Past few days I have been considering couples.
Have grown cold to those that lead people on. When a broken heart is always going to be a result.
How you could ever do that?
I wonder if my other half is floating around out there. It only takes one. Maybe I already know them.
But I see affection and I think of you.
I am not lonely, just lacking stuff.
04/28 Direct Link
It was back to the land of study today. I can't help but feel helpless.
Top of the academic tree they say, well look down buddy and there is a heck of a way to fall and there ain't much room for a ladder to climb beyond.

So I know what's expected so here I will sit.
Pretending this will be enough.
My goodness this is hard.
But am I trying hard enough?
Will futile attempts on a futile furture add together to make success,
Well I didn't do maths.
So knowing my luck. No that does not add up.
04/29 Direct Link
Why is it you that's always significant. there are so many things I could say about today.
I could gossip about all those finding new obessions and the likely hood of them working out.

I could discuss how worked up I am over exams

I could try and express my indecisive nature over the weather, how I normally love the rain. But now find it cold.

No, instead what I want to discuss is how you spoke.
Not directly but at me.
You know I would read
Like old times
Why?
Please let me run. Please.
It would be better this way.
04/30 Direct Link
I finally grasped what some words meant. On first reading they slipped on through. No these words were about birds.

'Must I be content with discontent,
as birds are with wings'

It was always strange bcause I never understood why birds would be discontent. But then you see they don't have a choice.
Everything has been decided already. Humans only wnat to fly because they can't.
Birds owning a pair of wings means they have little choice but to use them.
Like we have emotions and can't help but use them.
Maybe birds would prefer to be fish with fins.