Posion. That is the only way to describe this place. The thick smog all around is invisible infront of your eyes. When you look wider you can see it's effect.People in masks and breathing appliants.This isn't what you read about.I have only been here for 3 days but already I can feel the effects. The dryness of the the throat and burning eyes.Your spit is black.I was alarmed that my body was corroding away here.I was slowly becoming a carbon body, choking on my own existance. Feel the soot in my veins spluttering out.
Cycling round and round I saw little of real China, I saw sped up China.Even then it was tiring.Some people smiled and some people waved, others were rude.when everything is blurring past it's hard to take in details. But you get an overview.Some is nice and very traditional.Thing is people are stuck in a place between China and western China.Even they don't know where they are, so how am I, on a whistle stop tour supposed to look into their society.I know it's different. But in a western bubble is the only way.
Somehow I have become a pet. A little pet that they feel they can claw round with them. Dangle by the collar and wrench into position.My God. The time goes slow. The harder I try the more scared I feel.Just want to curl up in a corner and force their food away from me.Just sit there surronded by my music.Holding up the walls to keep the invaders out.Clutching the folded tcket to a film I went to see 3 days before I left.Hold back the salt sea and cling to home.
While here I have been trying to keep a diary. For some reason I always write to a person called 'Sunny'. Supposdly because when I was first made to write a diary I wrote it to the weather outside.Strangely it was always a boy.This time letters have kept me going. I have been writing to three people. Sunny and the two I trust.I doubt any of the three will recieve their letters.But it does bring comfort.I'm telling them everything. I know how they will reply.At least, they respond how I would want them to.
I can't say I haven't learnt anything. Sure it may not be examable, but it is still deep rooted in me.I often wonder what people can remember about their own lives. I can only think of a few key moments older than 10 years old that have affected me. Such as the moments that I knew I was going to have to get used to the silence, this is humanity after all.One of the best lessons I learnt was not to label things. Defining them doesn't make them last. If anything they are over the moment you label.
Maybe the Romans shouldn't of built walls. In the end what use did they do.The Gauls and the Pathians still invaded, no matter how straight the roads they tried to build.As great as the Romans were I don't think they truely considered everything, because Rome fell, and fell hard.Even after different stages with different leaders Rome still suffered.The danger came from the inside.Inner conflicts crippled it, those closest to Rome killed it.They spread it's emotions too thin and expected too much.Rome was idealism, it was the dreamers on the insider that murdered her.
Politics is one thing I can love, because it's my type.It is passionate for things, and involves sheer masses. It holds those with all different beliefs and makes them into a mix bag of interest, something you could only begin to grasp.It is fun and exciting, a type of game that could only include fire.Yet, it is changable and not something to rely on.it neglects you for the next big thing and sweeps you aside.It transplants you around and judges you.It expresses you darkest opinions and uses them against you. It manipulates your speech.
Fear and low expectations are good as they prepare you, realism that is what is key.I expected you to roll up with your dyed hair and fabulous friends and expect me to go gaga and be like them.Instead I think you have expected aspects of me.It was fine, far betterthan expected.However if I had wanted to past, where we couldn't leave eachother's grasps. Played dress up and hidden under my bed. Even when I longed for you to ignore my sister and filled full of jealousy.You were you and I was me, it was fine.
My holiday has alot to live up to, last year it helped save me away for a while. This time it has to calm me.When I go away with the person who I can rely on I can re-evalute things.I fell to easily back into the pattern that I had created in the wake of my waking.So this time, I will expect what I get. Nothing too high, just somewhere to rekindle and recoup.Think things clearer, because I don't care if you smile for the happiness, I still can't quite let go of it.