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BY Gemini

12/01 Direct Link
I suppose you have to start getting festive now. I of course forgot my advent calander. No surprises there. Sometimes in the morning I just roll out of bed and slip into something and keep on rolling. I hardly reaslise I am in auto pilot till I have to speak to someone.
Then  have smile.
I do worry I say things without meaning.
I suppose with Christmas stalking I better start singing those songs we repeat.
I do love Christmas, the whole month is devoted to it.
Without it I don't really know what we would do. Pah
12/02 Direct Link
I really do prefer cats, they have far more personality. I do care for dogs, the are more simple and selfish.
However Cats, I do feel a closeness.
They little feet. Eyes showing all their faces.
I suppose it's because I was brought up with a cat. A black cat.
The little moggy that runs in and out of my childhood.
Skids in and out of my memories.
She ahs been gone quite awhile, but I still see my little moggy.
Sleeping and yapping.
How she would be included in my games. I suppose I can find another in awhile.
12/03 Direct Link

I really am lacking things to say. This month slipped by and I don't really remember. Collection of thoughts.
This Batch is a waste really, I just don't want to let one go.
I suppose I will just have to ramble. Get this one done and get on with January. Being ill and all.
So I beileve copy and paste is the best way forward with this.
I don't want to bore the imaginary people that actually read this.
I will just make notes to myself:
Christmas, Ill, Cold, Happiness, Food, beginnings, seeing few people, get very festive indeed.

12/04 Direct Link
Apologises, There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
Sorry
12/05 Direct Link
Apologises, There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
Sorry
12/06 Direct Link
Apologises, There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
Sorry
12/07 Direct Link
I think it has finally clicked.
You remind me of him. The way you smile, the way you demand attention.
Except you succeed. You aimed for a different target market.
You also stay loyal to your best friend.
So when I lean, ot's because you remind me of him.
Your smell isn't the same but it's still distintive.

Why did you walk out to find us. You didn't have to.
Stand there yelling abuse. I was embaressed for you.
Your pityful face.
Standing there, lanky as ever. And angry.
Please, don't do this. don't make me look at you. agreed?
12/08 Direct Link
Apologises, There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
Sorry
12/09 Direct Link
I can see those strained smiles, In all honesty I don't care. I am fiinding my feet and my happiness. I feel part of something new. Damn, I know they aren't perfect but they are amusing. I feel better.
Sure they give a stuff as much as I do.
But I feel better.
I can't really draw on the attachment.
It is just there.
I get a thrill. I am a miniority. I want a trio that can't be.
But I will breath in the air with my bestfriend and feel content.
The most I could ever ask for, here.
12/10 Direct Link

a theme seems to be running through today, Leading on.
I saw a thing which was supposed to be, yet at the last minute it was cut down. I feel bad because I encoruaged it.
Only because I thought it was best.
On the television was a plot line of a leading on.
Yet in the programme the girl accepted it graciously.
But in real life it is bitter.
It is such disappointment. You feel embaressed you ever believed.
That you could of ever hoped that it could be true.
That you could dare to believe for a little while.

12/11 Direct Link
Apologises, There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
Sorry
12/12 Direct Link
I really hate this day in the month. Though many things are no longer triggers. This date sticks out. This along with the 6th. I can't seem to shake them. But then it seems pointless any way.
I just sit there, etching the date into my book. Wondering if you ever do the same.
But I have left you behind. I suppose I understand why people can be pulled back to the past.
Seal a piece off. But the seal can be broken. Soon enough you will be pulled back.
Just don't let me go back there. I couldn't bare.
12/13 Direct Link
A Harry Potter fest. I have always liked the films. Yet I find myself in terrible dress and a worst face.
I suppose after working I have an excuse. I do see that everyone judges me as I sit where I do.
I can't help it.
Something draws me down.
Strangers really.
But when they offer more than I could of ever actually hoped for.
They don't really know.
But I can't get attached. I won't let myself. These people move on because they have too.
I have only ever moved once in my life.
I stay very fixed here.
12/14 Direct Link
Apologises, There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
Sorry
12/15 Direct Link
Apologises, There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
Sorry
12/16 Direct Link
Apologises, There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
Sorry
12/17 Direct Link
Apologises, There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
Sorry
12/18 Direct Link
Apologises, There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
Sorry
12/19 Direct Link
Apologises, There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
Sorry
12/20 Direct Link
Apologises, There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
Sorry
12/21 Direct Link
I have a strange head shape. It is like a square. Somehow my hair always manages to get in unflattering positions and I really don't know how.
You get used to normal face. But when it looks worst than that, that's when it gets depressing.
When you can't cope with the 'worse tha normal face' you feel bad exposing it to wider society.
No matter what you do.
No one ever notices though, which makes you think 'normal face' is terrible.
I can see how girls go abit wierd.
As it is. If I was attarctive wierdo's would like me.
12/22 Direct Link
Apologises, There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all.
There is nothing exciting to tell you at all
Sorry
12/23 Direct Link
So this is the last day. It doesn't feel quite right yet. My hair clingying together in an awful way. Dripping and damp.
But I am enjoying this terrible looking face day.
It could be worse I suppose, I hate to say it, but I am far happier than I was.
But that means leaving behind other people.
I just want for a time be happy. Not that I don't like spending time with you.
I just laugh. Believe me, when you have tread a dark road you want to run for miles into a happy time. Clichéd dribble.
12/24 Direct Link
Last day for a while. Singing those songs that come out every year. The clock gradually ticking to the time I can leave.
I got many surprises as I walked out. The best was an open embrace. Holding me on your shoulder.
Then I walk away and visit the church.
It is Christmas, So really is fair enough.
I always get reminded how much I dislike church.
How you are betetr if you go.
You can't have your own faith.
it has to be so old and refinded.
Another way of controling everything in humanity by the humans who decide.
12/25 Direct Link
Merry Christmas. I had a good day. If I hadn't woken up so ill. By throat was painful and I couldnt move. I managed to make it through the requirements of the day. But I slept mostly. I felt so bad for ruining everyone's day.
So I will lie with my strange illness and gasp for water every now and again.
This really is annoying.
I used to love christmas.
But then I hear from you. The little text. And I am crying again.
You really wouldn't know.
My old friend, I had to leave you in that dark place.
12/26 Direct Link
I will be better today, there is no way I am missing this. Sure I will sit there cold, bored and tired. But my dad wants me there. We wouldn't spend time together otherwise. Not That i mean bored. But not as in to it.
Strange how all these men around me believe they know what to do. Though  there always another to replace them.
I am losing faith with humanity reguarly.
Men want nothing more to be better. Women want nothing more than to be best.
Obviously these are sterotypes. But they have been drawn up with evidence.
12/27 Direct Link
Setting forth with my list in hand I managed to accomplish something. Well only a few tasks. But I surged on so that my little list on it's fragile list became alot more managable.
However the work is still there and I when I rest, even for a bit, I can not even imagine getting up again and moving.
The feeling of something crawling in my ear. If something is alive in thee I wish it would hurry out.
Or settle there and whisper guidance.
Either way.
I wish I could sleep. But that's out the question apprently now aswell.
12/28 Direct Link
I think it is fair to say I am ill. The fact I can't walk in a straight line and can't hear is very annoying. Especially with so much work to do. There is no getting away from that.
I think i will leave it today though.
Let everything just blow out so to speak.
At least I can talk, I can express my annoyance.
Perferated eardrum.
Brilliant. What else could I do with. Just when I thought I had collected all symptoms from a cold known to man.
Kapoww! Have some eardrum.
Well at least I have quiet.
12/29 Direct Link
Reading a book about a man with a beautiful face and a vile soul. I wonder how anyone could be so shallow.
Men chasing after girls for the colour of their hair and features. But truely, would you want to spend time with them.
Share lifes moments with them.
Take them to the end of the earth and spend eternity for them.
Sure you must find beauty. But that's not it.
Someone you care for. In many ways I find I care for many, but few quite fit.
Because I decide if they are beautiful.
No one else does that.
12/30 Direct Link
I am very annoyed I couldn't go to a party. I hadn't seen my friends in ages and I had worked hard. But no. I had to go to a family New years eve party. I do appreicate that for years to come I will be out of my mind and intoxicated, however. I wanted to go.
ut no, Mother is putting her foot down.
I will have to be polite. Smile and not be judged. easy enough.
Not when you spout word vomit and every second word should be replaced with another.
No a night out is far preferable.
12/31 Direct Link
Dear Reader:
I would please like to note that these entries were written way after the time they actually happened. Therefore any factual comments are likely to be lost.
Therefore do not pay any attention to this batch. It is a bundle of emotions mixed in with general feeling.
I would feel bad if I left out an entry. I have failed in some way if I let a batch slip past.
It is going to be difficult to catch up. But it has helped me through dark places.
So it deserves to be shown respect. Thank you very much.