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BY Gemini

11/01 Direct Link
Maybe this will be the month I finsh that book. I suppose there is a reason to. The idea of winning, But even so. I do want to finsh it. It has been going round in my mind for a while.
It sound so strange though I think I might be judged for it.
I wonder why you always snap at my nowadays, like anything I say is cruel. When it is no worse than what you do. Like if I dare critise now you have built up your empire around you.
I don't mean to. I do hope not.
11/02 Direct Link
Slowly managing to pull myself back ontop of work. It is this damn work placement that is being aggraivating. Having to keep redrafting, why does sending a letter get so damn complicated.
There is something wonderful about letters, how they are so personal. Proper ones anyway. Where there are ink stains.
I was always a rubbish pen friend, I always forgot.
However this was often out weighed by letters I wrote but never sent.
In many ways my entries are like that. I say what I want you to hear.
When really they are left unopened, with no real purpose.
11/03 Direct Link
I have never really been a competitive person. Doing my best but not necassirly 'the best'.
I did want this though. An opportunity to do something.
In the past I was always trampled on but this time.
So I spoke  and answered.
However I put up a fight. I played the perfect political martar.
I would say it paid off.
Walking home however, now that was the best part. The rain spalshing effortlessly. That is one thing I would miss.
Heavy rain.
Some of my worst moment in my life were spent in the rain.
Still pretty nice.
11/04 Direct Link
I suppose I am the definition of the word content. I don't particularly want anything possible. The part of me that does want something has been shut up for a while, though still existant. I try my best and I am happy at least with who i am. So Im grateful I discovered who i was early on. That is one journey I won't be taking.
I can't say happy because there are things missing but I'm unhappy. Thing is I keep forgetting things.
I keep remembering the wrong bits.
I would love you to fuck off please. Most Kind.
11/05 Direct Link
Instead of writing a cliché entry about fireworks I am unable to. Instead I spent it at a dinenr party with family It was fine. My cousins are how I remember them.
Again there sin't much to say. I sat there drinking some champagne which took me nearly 5 hours to get through a glass. They told me stories and gave me tips.
Forced to talk to relatives I can't say I knew. I did see some fireworks on the way home.
I left my phone at home though. I couldn't bear to keep checking it. Tried to stop worrying.
11/06 Direct Link
It is difficult to explain to a mother why exactly it is you are crying. Why there is a leak in your eye and it won't stop. I'm not angry at anyone but myself. Yet again I let the wrong person is because I thought they cared enough. I thought they wouldn't hurt me and that I could rely on them. How do you explain that the only person who can sometimes understand is the darkest most complicated person you know. That they are like you.
Refuseing to become vunerable again.
I can't bear to feel my heart breaking again.
11/07 Direct Link
I have decided I want to buy a perfume. Though millions of people buy them in some way they feel personal. Like they suit my human smell and enhance it. Express me through my presence.
I can't say I have considered it before then.
My sister decided that she wanted one and it suddenly occured to me. That would be nice.
To have something I could buy that people would associate with me.
A little bottle.
My sister prefers the expensive slutty ones.
I prefered a floral one. I just need to find one.
One that suits me, simple huh? 
11/08 Direct Link
I observe two 'lovers'.
One of which will never be happy. The other no true idea.
One is full of complications the other far too simple. One is sharp and cutting the other is slow an unaware. One will not notice what the other does.
One will never really know and the other doesn't want too. One will fade and the other will stay constant. One will let go like anything while the other may leave as fast.
The other is unaware of what has happening.
One is one I thought was the one. I'm happy I'm not the other.
11/09 Direct Link
I think it is fair to say I am very happy. Lacking one thing but that can take it's time. I have finally got out of that tunnell but I can see it. It is going to take a while to remove that impression of the darkness and the only thought being that I was in a tunnell.
But forgetting the tunnel, things haven't really changed.
I smile as much and laugh as much.
I just don't hope any more.
I don't want too.
I am far happier.
I know what I am doing.
Now just Fuck off.
11/10 Direct Link
My room finally holds something of me.
For many years it has just been somewhere to sleep. But now it holds me.
My past is splattered all over the walls, Pictures that make me smile.
Small pieces of clutter that embrace parts of my personality.
My music flowing.
My books and work piled high.
By bed covered and never made. The walls hold an organised mess. A mess that is intrict and specialist.
I can't think of a house without this space.
I built it around me. But it's only a matter of time till it is gone.
11/11 Direct Link

Value I find is in a friend that can make me laugh.
Cold notes of laughter fly from my mouth in a way which is just as comical.
I get funny looks but as far as I am concerned this is happiness.
I have one friend who is my partner in many ways. People watch us and laugh. I find her funnier than anything else.
But to have someone that finds me funny. In a way that brings me joy.
To know I had a positve impact. To know that I put that smile on those peoples faces feels nice.

11/12 Direct Link
I escaped you in someways today. I didn't weep or sit holding onto my past. I worked and forgot. I went out and tried to forget and did suceed. Yet somehow I held on until someone asked me. I recieved glances. 

Expecting my tears. But I did it. I didn' even realise that I was doing it.

But then i sat down and told someone They held my hand and held me. They were there and in the cold night I explained for the last time what happened to make me like this.

I hate this date passionatly 
11/13 Direct Link
I suppose you don't really understand what I am trying to do. You won't believe me when I say I can't imagine life without you. But I can try something I wish I had been forced into. That I had dragged my stupid wretch of a body through as I struggled and repelled. 
But this isn't a time for me and I. This is a time for me to do what I can do. My thoughts and feelings are irrelevant and even more so as they aren't what you want.
I hope you are strong enough. For your sake.
11/14 Direct Link
Funny how things that became an issue can be forgotten again. But today it showed it's blushing face when I least expected it.
The whispering between hands.
My face behind a book peaking over like a child.
Sitting to try and hide yet remain in plain sight.
I suppose I do sort of want you to know who I am.
However I am scared that it won't be ok.
That I will be judged.
Not that I mind being judged. It is just when someone says something wrong. That is what I can't bear. When you don't even touch truth.
11/15 Direct Link
I very rarely get stressed, yet somehow this is horrid.
I sit there while you read through.
You speak and stop then pick up again. You jutter along.
 Your words are so cutting and I sit there.
I can't bear it.
I fidget and squirm trying to get away.
I can't bear to read through my work. The letters not falling together in a suitable way.
Words making sense but not in a way that is pleasing.
I can't bear to sit there.
Tears of anguish.
Please. Stop I can't bear it. I just sit there.
What else?
11/16 Direct Link
I suppose its fair to say I have made more friends this year. I have sort of widened my net. Though that is a horrible phrase. Only problem is trying to keep in contact.
Another thing that poses a problem.
People that you want to speak to but can't, either because you agreed or because you don't know them.
But I feel so much more comfortable.
Hugs and smiles. I suppose I could add a few more clichés in here. Rainbows?
I think I have pulled myself far enough. To be able to sprint to that small green space.
11/17 Direct Link

Strange thing to say at a time like this but I'm on a high. Things are working out well. Cutting things out of my life which brought out and destroyed me. Maybe that's selfish. But someones got to care for me.
I also spoke to you.
You were just standing there like we were meant to talk tonight.
Your face giving way to a smile.
I was aware my face was bright red and my stomuch churning.
So I smiled back.
Only to walk home with a fizzy feeling and fall alseep in a cold room with my closest friend.

11/18 Direct Link
I just shuffled around today. I had nothing I needed to buy and no real purpose for being awake. I would of happily crawled up onto the floor but apprently that wasn't an option.
So I scuttled around trying not to be smooshed under people's uncaring feet.
This new giant shopping is supposed to be amazing. To me it all looks the same.

You can't come near me again. You broke my heart and you aren't coming near. I can't do this anymore. You lost me a while ago.
But now I will fall away from you in the flesh.
11/19 Direct Link
I drank far too much coffee. I was just being polite.
The small talk.
Though it seemed everytime I spoke it wasn't about them so therefore not important.
I sat there with a smile on my face as the adult world engulfed me.
I suppose this could be the future.
This little room full of possibilty.
I think it went ok.
I enjoyed it,
Though I wonder if it is what I meant to do or not.
Whether my views comply.
Whether I could make a difference.
Of course not.
Who am I?
Either way. Sounds like some fun.
11/20 Direct Link
I have finally divided up all my work. It is in neat little wallets and all held together.
Things were falling part but I slotted them back in.
It looks far better now.
If only everything else was that easy to organise.
I know it's selfish to cut you out. But it is for the best. You will never be happy and I'm never happy when I am with you.
You indugled the dark side of me. But the other majority began to fade.
We will destroy eachother if this continues.
So let me fade away from you. It's better.
11/21 Direct Link
'Oh you think that you know me
that’s why i’m leaving you lonely
because babe, you don’t know a thing about me
You don't know me, do you?

you ain’t got the right to tell me
when and where to go, no right to tell me
acting like you own me lately
You don’t know a thing about me

Mr. play your games
only got yourself to blame
I ain’t falling back again
‘cause I’m living my truth without your lies
let’s be clear, baby - this is goodbye
 I ain’t comin’ back tomorrow'
11/22 Direct Link
I have decided to write a letter. It will try to contain everything. Of course this is not really possible.
A letter that you can keep if you choose.
Not some message from satelittes.
A message, scrawled out by my own hand.
Telling you why. You do deserve it.
But that is all.
I need to push away. Think of this letter like a suicide note.
The last one. To which there is no return.
A final act of kindness.
I only wish I could of done more, because now I feel selfish.
But now my mind is made up.
11/23 Direct Link
Don't think for a second this is what I wanted. I wanted us to for always have eachother. But to use the words of the past, you complicated things.
I try and smile but really I can't help but read your text again and again.
I have to shamefully hide my eyes as I can't see.
This is for the better. Hopefully I convinced you of that.
Why does everything have to end?
I just have to convince myself now.
Listen to the voice that helped me before.
Pull my hopeless self again.
I want you to be happy now.
11/24 Direct Link
At least even though that this is stupid it fills me with hope.
That every little thought isn't for you
I think ahead for you no more
all I want now is for you to hate yourself for what you did. To see what you did.
Seems to me the closer you get to someone the more you aren't appreicated.
The more we mean to eachother the further people push.
Better off barely talking because then at least those words are always kind.
I check my phone again, I don't want there to be a message, even though there should be now.
11/25 Direct Link
I feel so divided. So many people to talk to. Some many I should be with as I promised I would but instead they are off in other places.
I was so against new people, and to start with I was proved right.
But now everyone has calmed down you actually get to meet people.
People that make me smile. These people are the ones I want to see instead of following you sulkingly.
I hope you understand, that when I walked off it wasn't because I didn't want to go with you.
I just wanted to smile a bit.
11/26 Direct Link
This is hopefully as close to war as I will get. Paintballing.
Luckily I was with friends so if I did have a breakdown I could be fireman lifted to somewhere out of the way.
So I stood there, deep under shelter. Gun loaded and waited.
Throughout the day I edged further and further out.
Becoming braver and running further.
Somehow I wasn't shot.
Everyone else seemed to be hit at least once.
I didn't get any brusies.
Everyone said I was lucky.
It was true, in the right place at the right time.
Good job it was paint though.
11/27 Direct Link
Time is a strange. Sure I consider I have a limited time. Yet how I ended up in the now if wierd.
For some reason it is in this time period I am living.
Of all the decades ad the future I will never see.
The small past we have behind.
The people yet to come into existance.
How somehow our time paths didn't quite meet up.
We ended up abit delayed.
Sure we can both be happy.
But you make me laugh.
I have someone like you has been dropped in my era.
Someone to make me truely laugh.
11/28 Direct Link
I have tried to change so I can continue in my little therapy.
I can see if you still remain.
In a way I hope you do.
I miss you, so much.
It takes alot of effort not to rpely to your stupid comments.
I just have to sit there, pretend I didn't hear.
I care too much not to know how you are doing.
Checking to see if your ok.
But I can't be selfish.
It was unfair of me. So I will let you be free. I may be kicking you off a perch you built. Sorry.
11/29 Direct Link
I have very little to say.
I didn;t keep up to date and now I have forgotten.
In case you were on here.
I suppose There is no point trying to remember.
I was probably a normal day.
The same strains.
The same glances. Turning my face away to hide from you.
I do think I am finally becoming happy.
Just need to hold onto that hope a little longer.
I can't be me.
These general thoughts that trail around for a while.
The waiting for the empty to be filled.
But a smiling rainbow.
Yep, that old Cliché
11/30 Direct Link
I have never really liked this month,
It was too much to keep going through it.
I suppose It means too much.
Everything seems to happen in this,
All the memories are formed from this point.
I can't help but bring them back here.
To the ice and the snow,
My breath tingerling as I waited.
The nieve girl.
Waiting for something. I suppose it was the optomism of this month that I always fell back on.
The cold I kept smiling through.
The warmth I wanted more than heat.
The hand in a hand. The smile to a smile.