BY Gemini

02/01 Direct Link
Interesting. You had an excuse to be you today. Cor' blimey did you take it. Day by day you slowly grind me down. Why do I have to put up with this. Blood may me thicker than water but I would far prefer to spend the day with a bottle of mineral water.
Forced to get up early smile and sing. You really do force it upon me.
Thanks for that. Good job Im not bad at acting. Never was a skill so greatly required to get through this.
The countdown has began. Not long now. Then I have freedom.
02/02 Direct Link

I dreamed I was in pain. Hot wires cutting into me. I screamed and woke up. The wires were still there. I cried out and tried to stand up.
Pacing Pacing Pacing.
In the mirror I saw frail girl. Bleached white. The heat did not bring me warmth.
I began to slip away. I wanted to leave.
As I lay on the floor nothing could help. I just wimpered.
So helpless. I hate that. I thought of various people in those moments. Whether they would notice.
Bright red. I had to get up. Pull away now. 

02/03 Direct Link
I wrote today. I wrote the truth. Some may say I have a talent, I wouldnt think so. The words just make sense.
Numbers tumble from my brain and make a mess on the floor.
Words on the other hand flow. I know exactly what I am going to say before I say it. Rhyme and rhythm embedded in me.
I could never make it a main part of my life.
The words in my mind don't translate to the page. Maybe I just don't want to share.
Either way, I only ever base on the truth. Truth will out.
02/04 Direct Link
I am writing this entry late. Not because I just sat there all day but because there is nothing to report.
Empty date.
The same faces, the same greetings, the same longings.. well sort of.
So as I out what has happened many days ago nothing comes to mind.
The same school, the same lessons, the same lunchtimes.
My life really. pretty repeatative.
I suppose I could of made something up for today. But here is is. The ramble and repeat which is my life. Pretty blissful really.
You always know what you will be up to. Very little really
02/05 Direct Link
Your hand against mine. Smiling. You are kind to me. Thoughtful and sharing. I can say I am happy here. I ponder what will happen in the furture, I am concerned for the furture. Heck do I know what it holds.
I wont judge you on the past. I trust you wont slowly break down what is me and reform it.
You wouldn't dare, I would sooner snap you that let you snap me.
I still have the cracks from the last broken vase.
So I give you a promise and you give me a smile. Here we go again.
02/06 Direct Link
A lazy day. A walk. slowly walking. Lazy walking. Mind drifting to other wierd places. It was quite a long walk. I wont lie it did drag on a fair amount. Oh a text, something exciting. Damn this is dull.
This is going to take a while.
I please hurry up, I need to go home and sleep.
Sleep makes time go faster to get to the important bits.
Tomorrow. Should be interesting.
Trudge Trudge Trudge.
This is getting dull.
I am getting dull.
Oh would you look at that.
Only a few more hours to go. Oh fantastic. Great.
02/07 Direct Link
So you have been reading these then? Hello to you. You don't like them do you. well dont read them. Judge me, your good at that. Next time tell me in person. Actually don't bother. I will probably find out anyway. It is not that I dont care about you. I feel sorry for you. You only see half of me. I don't tell your about this side and I don't expect you to accept it.  Poetic clichés, maybe I do. Maybe they are clichés for a reason. Either way, here is a sarcastic thank you. Here.
02/08 Direct Link
'You can't go'
N'aw thanks for that. I still can't be trusted to be individual. Just you wait. The moment im free I will be over that green faster than you can say 'no'.
I can't say I am happy. I will respect you this time, but next time just you wait.
I wonder why I haven't got the rebellion out of me yet. Maybe I should disappear for a while, that would get you worried.
Who am I kidding, no matter what you do you will always control me. I will never thank you for it. Don't look so surprised.
02/09 Direct Link
Oh dear what a nightmare. Have you ever encountered the feeling of screaming at yourself inside. wanting to to take what you just said. Cram those words back into your mother. Silence is golden. So there I sat in an akward silence. An innocent dentist assident sitting at the side. We waited together. As time passed it got worse and worse.
She tried to be nice. asked me what I wanted to do when I was older.
A simple question. The old lady was being sweet. I tried to be polite. I asked her what she wanted to do. Fail.
02/10 Direct Link
Things could of been so different. I could be somewhere else a different life. Staying with what I knew instead of moving forward. Changing my past to alter my future. I don't think I would of been happier. I would of fallen again, been hurt. I could of made different friends. Made less effort. I don't know what makes me think back.
The large amounts of possibilties make it impossible not too. If I hadn't woken up that morning and seena better world I would still be there. I would still be in your arms. Still holding onto everything now.
02/11 Direct Link
I remember sitting and waiting. Not much to do, just repeating the same phrases. They are probably wrong. But I will repeat silently anyway. The bell gives me a shock. I didn't notice the bell continues to ring 5 minutes after the actually sound. It is still echoing, It does not sound to bad now. The sound ahs the nice tinkle without the ear curdling effect. Should keep repeating I suppose. There is always hope it will be over soon. Keep splurging those french phrases. One will do, make that a conversation and bam you could do the exam for me
02/12 Direct Link
I was happy. Just laying there I was very content. Apprently you werent. Well I was. You forget how happy you are at them moment. I would quite happily stay there for a while. Thinking back, it was rather good wasnt it. Apart from the fact you freaked out. There was always that. Im paranoid and you worry. What a match we make. Blissful anwarness in those moments we spent. Your smell every where. The creases on my skin. Your thoughts in my mind. The later panick. I thought it was nothing. But look at that. Im very scared again.
02/13 Direct Link
The cold shoulder huh? somethings up. I may not know you that well but I can tell. Oh I see now. Your scared of me. Well you wouldnt be the only one, You can join a long list, there will be lots of company there. Oh you don't like that point either. Being too polite. well that is a first. You seem to forget I am terrfied of this. Well our bad qualities are well matched. Oh god. Don't say that. Crumbling away. Here I go. I hate fate. God damn it. Oh please answer. Please don't leave me here.
02/14 Direct Link
I would be lying if I said I hadn't felt ill. The churning inside me forced me to cringe. The unexepected. Falling back into the expected. I don't know what happened. We clash, yet I clash with most people. The sickening feeling faded eventually. Back to normal, glad to be here. Especially on this day. It went well. I fear what you are thinking behind those eyes. You changed so quickly and snapped that wire. Your fear creates my fear. I will sleep better tonight. Well happy day of love. Happy Happy... Day of love, everyone there. 
02/15 Direct Link
The Lord of the flies. A book which attempts to show human nature but in fact still manages to make it better than it is. The ending is dreary and bland. They wouldn't be saved, they really wouldn't. The truth is that everyone would of killed eachother. The leaders would corrupt minds and anyone hat stood in their way would be broken.
Adults would not make any difference, the corruption of power would engulf everyone. You have to wonder who you would be in the story. The corrupt one, the outsider, or the one that tries to stand up now.
02/16 Direct Link
Fear. My mind is blank with thoughts. My problem is a difficult one. There is a chance. A tiny chance. Still a chance that my life is about to change. I don't want this change. It is not my life.
I would half to lie more than ever. I would have to be brave. 
Please don't let it be true. The percentage and maths can't add up. I have never felt so scared.
This could be it, the day something happens to me that should never happen now.
I would become a story and hate it. 
02/17 Direct Link
A black swan. A film about an outsider breaking through. I was scared of the power of the mind. How easily you can corrupt yourself. The girl was sweet and innocent, all she wanted was to achieve her dreams. Somehow she ended up damaged and broken.
Everyone she lvoed turned against her and she was left alone.
As I walked away with company I thought deeply.
It coudl always be like this, if I had chosen other friends, If I had taken a different route. But here I stood with a different company thinking that could of been normal. 
02/18 Direct Link
Slowly slowly, that is how time passed today. Small meaningless tasks completed while chatting. You disappear for a time. Maybe I am over thinking, casual can't be measured. Being rude isn't what I would consider. I wait for the flash of blue to tell me you have remembered me. How long do I have to wait.
I even eat my dinner and delay and you still haven't replied. Have I done something to insult you? No, I know I haven't. So why pick on me? Casual is one thing. Leaving me wondering, now that is something completely different. 
02/19 Direct Link
I thought I knew. What a mistake to make! So here I am at square one. The choice I made leads back to here. Another choice. I make promises and though I believe them, They break others. I feel breathless, but thats just my bad health. Nothing like having lungs full of stuff which isn't oxygen.
This day passed quickly. Quicker and easier than I would of ever thought. Loyalties divided. Piling up onto one side.
I can't help feeling down when everything seems to being falling out. Your body taken by the ankles and shaken violently. Stuff falling. 
02/20 Direct Link
The David took on the Goliath and didn't do too badly. The score was incredible and hard to believe. A pure moment of surprise mixed with disbelief. It was good to share it.
A small football team from east london taking on the big guns. It was good day. I tried to share the news and very few cared. Well the ones that weren't there didn't care. Well on person did, but I shouldn't care about them.
I enjoy the moment as I know these giant slayings will be few and far between. Hopefully you will know what I'm saying.
02/21 Direct Link
London. The capital of England. The place of great history and great people. Transport system less to be desired. But instead of visiting great monuments we went shopping.
I tried to enjoy myself but I wanted to be other places and I kept looking at my phone. No one.
I had a cold and my nose was raw. I tried to move on and keep shuffling. Everyone had so much energy.
It did fill tike though. Which is good when your waiting. It wasn't a complete fail. I did get a cracking pair of trousers. They are a olive green.
02/22 Direct Link
I made it to your house. Only just thought, every nerve ending was pulling me back to somewhere safe.
This isn't right.
I felt it everywhere and tried to shake it off. It was right for now.
we walk and make small talk and sit and discuss all that is irrelvent.
We walk to mine and watch a film.
I am not sure you appreciated it. I felt happy as I rested on your arm, you pulling me.
But then you were gone, out as quickly as possible. Not wanting to spend anymore time. Then I sat down for dinner.
02/23 Direct Link
A lazy day with a friend. Invited over in the spur of the moment always seem to be some of the best times. You aren't restrained by what you planned to do.
So we watched a film. A wierd one at that.
I enjoyed just sitting while people tried to make me comfortable by forcing hot chocolate and cake on me. I say force, I was very willing to accept it.
So there I sat with an old friend talking about very little. I was pretty happy I will be honest.
I wonder how long this will last this time.
02/24 Direct Link
Hooves pounding on thw wet ground. Horse racing has never been something that has appealed to me. The horese always look really sad. Beautiful, but very sad.
I pace round the rim and look into the green. They pace backwards and forwards. Lead by humans.
Their soft feautures look some how damaged, their hair twisted to make them look proud.
You have to place money on who you think will win. I just go with my gut feeling and what will be must fun if it won. But others place their life sercurity on it. One man lost almost everything.
02/25 Direct Link
An early morning is not without regrets. As I roll out I hope the morning will encourage me. I fall out and pack up my things. A toothbrush, a bed, some films and myself. As I shuffle to the door I remember who I am meeting. I feel lighter somehow.
I know things are going to be ok.
We walk down streets. Shopping and laughing. I don't need to say anything and you love me. The feeling is mutual.
Time passes quickly. How it should be.
I feel comfortable and at ease. We enjoy time together. loving the moment now.
02/26 Direct Link
I crept away from the raining house. The smiling lady waved me out. I crept around in my web of lies. I danced round the edges with the gaps in my knowledge wearing the silk thin. This could go wrong. Very wrong. I sneak around and make it to the safe place. You take me in and I feel relaxed. Don't worry my cheeks always go red.
As I sneak away dancing on my chords. I imagine what would happen if I slip. Never trusted, never individual. That is the price I would pay. I sew webs often now. 
02/27 Direct Link
Today I laid out a plan. Filling time is what I do best. So I laid out my day in front of me. I divided up the papers and put them in order. I turned on my technology and paced around.
Constanly flitting between tasks. Turning and pressing.
Remembering how to write without smudging.
A pen feels wierd in my hand. A new pen. A better pen.
By some law defying action my handwriting is becoming neater.
The nib is moving and I don't seem to be controlling it.
Plans are there to hold me together. Focas on the task.
02/28 Direct Link
I smell the coffee. It fills my lungs and I like the scent. To be socially acceptable you must either drink tea or coffee. Anything else and you are choosing to be difficult. So I took my chances with coffee. I enjoyed it.
I supposed I had to. I enjoy the smell if anything. The taste is bearable yet somehow pleasent. Far better than any tea. or dirty dish water. Thats what tea is.
As I drink my boiling drink I consider who else does this. Forces themselves to drink to be sociably acceptable. Well I can think of worse.