08/01 Direct Link
If God can be found anywhere, I doubt that I can find it in a church or cathedral that humans have built to assemble in. Churches may be beautiful but God has never built a cathedral. If God has created anything it is the trees and the bushes outside of the church. Choir music is beautiful, but if God ever created music I think it's the songs birds sing all through the summer days, the wild howling of wolves all through the nights.

Now and then, perhaps we should leave our churches and walk in awed silence through Eden again.
08/02 Direct Link
Been on Stockholm Pride and listened to panel discussions, seminars, sung gospel music and went to mass with my female. I am dehydrated and my head hurts, but I'm still alive. Hopefully I will be able to sleep early and go again tomorrow. There are many other things I want to attend tomorrow. My head hurts quite a lot, which is annoying. But I met three people I know and it was fun to see them again. I wish I had had more time to just sit and talk to them for a while. About old times and old joy.
08/03 Direct Link
I'm getting quite tired, but Pride is being really pleasant. And I meet people I know all of the time. There is no shortage of hugs, or interesting talks, or smiles from strangers. Even my faith in mankind is getting some well-needed water.
And I am getting some more inspiration to write. There are a lot of things there which I miss in the talks and seminars and discussions. There should be more talks about asexuality, for one. Next year I might ask them if they want one and hold it myself if they want one.

Could be fun.
08/04 Direct Link
Today began with a wonderful panel about how to open doors to a more trans-inclusive society, with a rabbi, a priest, some politicians, a trans activist and an aspiequeer. It was wonderful; I love seeing people of different faiths (and politics; not much difference!) coming together to talk, discuss and joke with each other in a respectful and civil way.

There was also a talk about pinkwashing, and a talk about suicide amongst hbtq youth and what helped them survive. I talked to one of the presenters afterwards and got her card.
I have to write her soon.
08/05 Direct Link
Another wonderful interreligious talk, with two priests and the wonderful rabbi about how to interpret holy scriptures with love and care. Then the second half of a movie made by a homosexual man from Israel helping Palestinians. I think. And one about htbq in honour-cultures. And then one about helping and/or hiding hbtq-refugees and then another about how to come out as a gay person.
The last one was also incredible, by a person who had studied theatre or plays or something.
That one was a really pleasant and frigthening mental roller coaster ride I won't forget soon.
08/06 Direct Link
The club was almost full tonight. The dark electronic music made the air vibrate and the goth crowd was dancing like mad in the smoke from cigarettes and opium incense, high on a wide variety of drugs. She smiled, bared her fangs and pressed up against a pretty young male, took his hand and winked at him.
"Come with me, pet," she smiled, and he did. They went upstairs to the small rooms. She pushed him into the bed and he looked up at her with fear and admiration.
Through the haze of opium, he still knew what she was.
08/07 Direct Link
"Just because you say you mean us no harm doesn't mean that /we/ won't want to do /you/ harm," Alpha growled at the surrounded male.
"But you and I, we are all brothers and sisters," he said, his smile fading. "You are not supposed to..."
"Yes, we are," Sigma said softly, coming up beside Alpha. "We are all brothers and sisters, but just as brother fox kills brother rabbit, so we will kill and eat you. Not all creatures can live on milk, grass and honey. We must use the claws we've been given."
The pack closed in on him.
08/08 Direct Link
We were watching the city burn, the sparks against the night sky like stars, the thick pillars of smoke like clouds. The ash fell over us like snowflakes, but the heat of the raging fire warmed us. Some of us were dancing, singing, drumming on empty metal barrels, plastic buckets. We were feral now; destroying the society which had had us collared. Nearby we heard gunshots, and an alarm joined into the music we were weaving. The music of the time to come.
A burning roof came crashing down and threw up a cascade of new stars into the sky.
08/09 Direct Link
"What is your story?" she asked, sitting down on the seat in front of him. That was what she usually did; she asked people for their stories.
"Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste," he said, smiling.
"Sympathy for the devil," she said, looking into his impossibly tan eyes. "Are you saying you're the devil?"
"I didn't fall from heaven, I came here because it was more fun here."
"I don't believe in the devil," she said.
"Then come with me, just for tonight."
She took his hand and they left the train together.
08/10 Direct Link
I will be a good girl; I will not cry, I will not beg, I will not make a scene; I will not be the drama queen in your play. I will be there if you want me to be, I will go away when you need to be alone. I will live in the dark catacombs of your heart. I will not care about what I want or need. If you are busy I will occupy myself, and when you want me I will return like a kicked dog to forgive you, because your life is not about me...
08/11 Direct Link
Once, my sister of questionable sanity said that anger suited me. And it's true; it does. When I'm angry I write beautiful words and my unsheathed mental claws sing as they tear and rend. But do you know what suits me more? Pride, and confidence. Pride of who I am and what I have done, confidence in my friends and what I can do.
I have things to do which are important, I have things to do which may make the world better.

"You have stories to write.. good stories."

It's true. And I should sing with him more often.
08/12 Direct Link
(This entry was not finished and sent in before I passed out. I'm sorry, I had forgotten how I get on my sleepingpills...)

Today I finally finished deleting all of the 18,000+ spam comments on my blog and I have now reclaimed it for my own and my own evil purposes. Most of the day has been spent listening to TchKung! and trying to be more stubborn than droad.

I have gotten more sleepingpills now though, and hopefully I will be able to sleep well tonight. And tomorrow we'll see how my cholet turns out.

And more, more blogging!
08/13 Direct Link
I kind of like anarchists and frequently agree with a lot of the things they say, but I can't help believing that they're a bit mad. Almost all ideologies sound good on the paper, almost all political directions seem to work in the pamphlet. No one goes to election with the line; "let's burn the world and be corrupt bastards!" or even "let's be totally indifferent to human suffering /and/ corrupt bastards!", but that is usually where everything ends up.
Anarchy too seems to forget that people are /people/, and one person's utopia will almost always be another one's hell...
08/14 Direct Link
Long before the Age of Flesh, there was the Age of Wood. The seaweed from the oceans crept up on the shores and tried to grow there, but the Wind Bringers flew across the skies, beating at the earth with their wings, tearing the seaweed up from the rocky grounds, spreading their seeds where they went. One seed was dropped into a small crack of a mountain, and there the Wind Bringers could not reach with their wings.
And there it grew alone, slowly in the meagre stone-soil, into the first tree, with thick, strong bark for a skin.
08/15 Direct Link

The townspeople knew what she was as soon as they saw her coming, her clothes worn and patched, a backpack on her back and the brim of her hat almost over her eyes. She did not enter the town but stopped on the bridge, sitting down on the railing. A few curious children who had never seen her before approached her cautiously.

"Sit down," she said softly. "Sit down, and I will tell you the story about how the mountains came to be."

When night came the parents would come out and take their children back, lead them back home.

08/16 Direct Link
Today I have made jam and food and taken a walk and failed to go home. My Helpers fail and I don't want to be near them.


"On a chessboard, even the king is just another piece."


I wonder how I will be when I'm forty or fifty years old. Will I still wear ears and a tail or strange hats? Will I still have Paobooks? Will I still be in great amounts of pain? Will I still be Pao? I have problems imagining what I will be like, but I really doubt my major characteristics will have changed much.
08/17 Direct Link
The Kinnenwi were a small race of nocturnal creatures who lived in the Age of Flesh. Their priests said that they were descendants of the small cotta trees, having come from the first fallen flowers when the Age of Wood turned into the Age of Flesh. Kinnenwi lived on moonlight, and every clear night they would sit on their hills and stretch their short arms and long ears towards the reflected light to embrace it, to listen to the song of the moon.

Kinnenwi never spoke to other creatures except for the cotta trees and each other and the moon.
08/18 Direct Link
A girl was looking for a wise old woman to be her teacher. She put notes on poles and placed ads in newspapers, but no one called. She knocked on doors and turned every stone but found nothing. She always carried her notebooks full of ideas with her, just in case, but never ran into someone.
One day she was attacked and everything was stolen. Of course that was when the perfect old woman found her.
"I'm sorry," the girl said. "All my notebooks are gone."
"Then tell me of the books still in your heart," the old woman smiled.
08/19 Direct Link
The mad pyrotechnician and his brother came over, and they will sleep here tonight. I really like their company. The mad pyrotechnician is really, really interesting, and his brother is prey and very pleasant to bite and gnaw on. My Englishman sent a link I felt I missed in my life.
Too bad I feel that I miss him in my life as well. I want to curl up against him and hug him tightly and bury my teeth and claws into his skin... (no, wait, that was wrong, wasn't it?)
Tomorrow my female will come. Then computering will happen.
08/20 Direct Link
I have been cleaning today and watching steampunk and victorian clothes. The screen of my phone has died for some reason. Trying to fix the computer seems to be trickier than expected. My two abbanen went their respective ways. Next week the TV-people are coming. I'm tired and sad and upset. And I am hungry again. K is off somewhere doing something. He will be back tomorrow, if I recall correctly. I watched another abban play games, streamed over the interwebz. I have to pay my bills in time.

I will call this a day and go to bed.
08/21 Direct Link
Quiet splash
maybe ubiquity
maybe ambiguity
or maybe, maybe
something completely
from that

quiet splash into
processes and
strange text on the screen
unfamiliar terms
black and white
which way
is right?

quiet splash
headlong plunge
churning, spinning,
droning, reading,
learning, thinking,
something breaking
something broken
but what, where,
how to find it?

quiet splash
maybe ubiquity
as the technology
all around us
as the electric impulses
inside us
as our digital brains
outside us
as our digital souls
separated from us

are we still us
if all we are -
remember -
think -
is stored
outside of us?
08/22 Direct Link
I have been cleaning a lot, and in about six hours I have to be up again. I'm tired, but the TV-people are coming at ten and I have some things to do before they arrive. There will hopefully be tea. They will hopefully be good people. My female will come after a few hours, but she has a meeting to come to first. Perhaps I should ask my helpers to be here before she comes?
I will see who's working tomorrow. I will hide the rats so that the unfamiliar people won't stress them out.

Wish me luck.
08/23 Direct Link
I read a debate article earlier; it had the passage:
"Through innovations, humanity could exterminate the mammoth 15,000 years ago and 130 years ago nearly the bison. We have in thirty years been able the create an internet which connects 170 septillion (18 zeroes) computer chips."

I have so many, many questions I would like to ask him. And tell him that according to Wikipedia a septillion have 24 zeroes - ask him if that was really what he meant. Also I would like to ask if exterminating animals is something to be that proud of.

I picked mushrooms today.
08/24 Direct Link
Everyone is gone and I have watched my female play a lot of Fallout 3 while I was resting. I want to sleep and rest and get rid of some of this pain.
sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep...
I am so tired I feel ill. And pain. And ill. I can't be bothered to make food today. Too tired. In far too much pain. And I just want to sleep. Just want to sleep. I wish I could sleep like normal people can. I wish I did not have so much insomnia.
sleep sleep sleep...
please let me sleep now.
08/25 Direct Link
I have made dinner. And cleaned up a bit. That is more or less all, actually. Ah, and the IKEA catalogue came, and I have been looking at pretty things I shouldn't get. Oh, and I made my old phone accept my new SIM card, so now I can call people again.

I will go and sleep now. Wish me luck and all that. I might try to get to meet Sister Morphene on saturday, but I think I am falling ill. As I always do when I'm tired and I have been stressed and finally get to calm down.
08/26 Direct Link
The autumn is coming again. The air has changed, and the colour has changed, and there are mushrooms. I have a lot of inspiration for the game. I have watched Ecco - Defender of the Future playthroughs and tried to rest. I want to go to a second hand book shop and the amusement park and eat candyfloss. I want to take a shower. I want to nest and make a warm burrow. I want to collect and save up food. I want a big freezer. I want to get warm and fluffy things, and tea, and glögg and cinnamon.
08/27 Direct Link
Tomorrow I'm going to see a friend I haven't seen for more than two years. I didn't hear from her these years either, but I think she has had understandable reasons. I'm not upset or sad or angry, but I'm really happy that she is back in my life.

I am a bit worried though. I have never met her male before, and I have never been in her new lair before. I don't know in which ways she has changed her life and in which ways her life has changed her.
But she is still and always my Sister.
08/28 Direct Link
I met my Sister and it was wonderful. She hugged me a lot and we talked and I got tea and salmon. Her lair smelled just as her room smelled when I visited her for the first time. It made me feel very safe, even though I had never been in her new lair before.

On the way there a male pulled my tail repeatedly. I thought about pouncing and pulling his hair, but I try to be better than that.

I try to make the world a better place by constantly being better than the rest of the world.
08/29 Direct Link
I have no idea what to do, but I hope it will be all right at some point. An helper, a friend and I tried to fix the ventilation thingies again, but it failed. It is getting cold at home, and I am already getting more pain. I have no idea what to do. I might have to get electric radiators since the ones I have are made out of fail.

But I went to Catlair, and tomorrow I will do an heroic attempt to get candyfloss. I really want some pink candyfloss this year as well.
And some *whoooooosh!*
08/30 Direct Link
There is something really beautiful about metal structures. Naked metal limbs painted in different colours across the sky. I love watching them and taking photos of them. A photo of clear-red metal against a dark blue sky, or of a white metal structure painted burning orange in the sunset.
I'm not sure what I find so beautiful about it, except for the contrasts. Perhaps it's because it's so unlike anything naturally occurring. I don't know.

In other words, I have been to an amusement park today. I love amusement parks after dark. I really do.

I'm so very happy.
08/31 Direct Link
Tomorrow I will get my new bathtub. Oh how I've longed for a bathtub. I will try to figure out some sort of way to keep my bookcase in there, because it is really useful, but I'm not sure how to do that. We will have to see what happens.
But to have a bathtub again will be very pleasant. I have missed taking real baths. Candles and incense and music goes a long way, but a small inflatable children's pool just isn't the same thing as a real bathtub.
I need to find more green things to my bathroom.