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11/01 Direct Link
I realise I have written far too many depressing entries so far so here's a more cheerful one
something to look forward to this month:

-Bonfire night
-Late night shopping (possibly this month)
-More tests+homework
-Meeting friends in school as it's the only time I see them
-Homework (keeps me occupied and helps avoid thoughts drifting off in the wrong direction)
-Tests (am I repeating myself now?)
-Brother's birthday
-6th form open evening
-Spending time with optimists
-Avoiding pessimists
-Finding SOME spare time to listen to music

No matter how hard I try, there's always something negative in my entries. ALWAYS! 
11/02 Direct Link
Little things in life make me happy, amuse me, entertain me, upset me, worry me, make me smile... I think I find that it doesn't take a lot to make me react. I will react to almost anything and everything - whether positively or negatively, that's another thing. You tell a lame joke, I laugh my head off. I see you upset, I start worrying immediately. You argue against my point, I start a huge debate there and then. You smile at me, I smile back at you. I see a monkey, I smile. I see people hugging, I smile. Smile.
11/03 Direct Link
These days my heart is saying
you should decorate your dream, live a little
you have the permission, fall in love
 
Your life is colourless, let me fill some colours in
let me do something about your loneliness
when you get some time, fall in love
you have the permission, fall in love
 
Let me take her somewhere, hiding from this world
let me drink the lustre of her face
by hiding from this world, let me complete my wish
you have the permission, fall in love
 
These days my heart is saying
you should decorate your dream, live a little
you have the permission, fall in love
11/04 Direct Link
I feel good. Really good. Strangely happy and smug. I never thought that little things that some people subconsciously say to me would stay on my mind for so long. Never before have I been complimented about my cooking. Let's just say it's not my area of expertise. I made potato curry and chapattis today. To my surprise, it tasted just like my mother's cooking! To be honest, potato curry and chapattis is a piece of cake (for mother anyway) but I took my time. My brother is very picky about taste but today he said he liked my cooking. 
11/05 Direct Link
Happy Diwali+a prosperous new year to you all.
Today didn't seem very special. Partly because it was just another normal day in the middle of nowhere. Partly because I'm not surrounded by an Indians or Hindus. But we made it special. It was a bad day at school (don't ask why), and as I arrived home there was a lot going on. It was quiet outside but there was a marathon inside. Warm, bright oil lamps in every corner of every room, strong fragrance from fresh flowers, a mixture of aromas from the kitchen, religious mantras playing in living...
11/06 Direct Link
...room. I was greeted with cheerful smiles from parents and brother. I immediately recognised the cheeky, mischievous scent as they exchanged looks. After all, I have known them for 17 years. But I ignored that and just played along... pretended I was unaware of their plot. But as we all finished the 'puja' and sat down at the dining table for the Diwali feast to commence, sneakily, dad goes to the fridge and takes a huge glass bowl of my all-time-favourite-dessert (Rasmalai) and places it on the table. My day has been made. They look smug and smile.
11/07 Direct Link
Wouldn't it be wonderful if the world ended with a firework display everywhere? Just imagine... you're standing there in a big piece of flat land with no trees around and hundreds of thousands of people along with you are watching the fireworks with tears rolling down their eyes... of happiness and sorrow. It could be like God's message to us... perhaps something along the lines: "You all have messed around enough, have bore enough, have rebelled enough, have tolerated enough, have invented enough, have troubled enough, have discovered enough, and I think I've said enough. Come and rejoice with me."
11/08 Direct Link
She just lost her ability to trust. She was already suffering from philophobia and now this. She was thankful to that person for reminding her what it feels like when your heart drops to the stomach - the feeling she was still recovering from...

She made up her mind. She could trust no one. Never again will she rely on someone with her eyes closed. Never again will she be able to believe in someone. Never again will she spill her secrets to anyone. It may take her a while to overcome pistanthrophobia.

But now, let's concentrate on the name changing.
11/09 Direct Link
Dear Person,
 
Please don't do yourself down. You are not a giant with no social skills. I think I may have developed temper control issues and in addition to that I'm just suffering from a hectic routine.

Hopefully this will cheer you up:
 
"You know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile without you"

P.s. Apologies for my out of tune singing.
11/10 Direct Link
Dear Mr Right,
 
I hope everything is well and that you are in the same well as I. I imagine your sense of humour is just like mine and that you'll find the previous sentence funny. I know you're sporty; badminton, tennis and basketball are your favourites? Mine too. I hope you are as crazy, boring and talkative as me. Bet you love coffee just as much as I do. Instincts. I can also tell that you're a genius.

P.s. I also hope that you will let me believe that your first name is Sometimes.

Love,
Mrs Always Right
11/11 Direct Link
I am going to spill a secret. 
Some of my entries are complete nonsense; some are really bizarre. My writing is not carefully written, or "finely tuned" or "perfectly crafted vignettes". Just before starting every entry, I close my eyes shut for 10 seconds - whatever thought occurs to me in those 10 seconds becomes my entry. I seem to lose my ability of thinking rationally when I write... usually end up regretting certain entries after submitting. I like to think I'm in complete control of my mind and emotions. However, that doesn't seem to apply when I write...
11/12 Direct Link
I had no idea how lonely we have all become. An invisible force suffocating us of our friends and loved ones... depriving us of what we value the most, unknowingly.
End of school, walking home after almost eight weeks. One by one people joined in and suddenly there were about five of us walking out of school, together, as a group. It felt as if one by one my senses were coming back to life. Heart was pumping contentedness vigorously. Every cell is my body was smiling. Alas! It didn't last as we slowly drifted away and parted ways...
11/13 Direct Link
In her mind, she was on her knees, begging them to prevent the disaster. She'll never be happy if her parents chose to proceed with the marriage proposal with the unknown. She was told to come and greet them as they arrived, serve beverages, snacks. Smile and nod. Answer their questions politely. Unable to make eye contact with any of them. Not even him. His parents observed her carefully for any flaws. None. As agreements were made she looked down...tear drop escaped. Sweets exchanged. She went to her room and saw The One peeking through the window. It's too late.
11/14 Direct Link
I feel the need to clarify certain things. Right here, right now. 

 When I close my eyes shut for 10 seconds, whatever thought, fictional or non-fictional occurs to me, becomes my entry. Which means that my entries are true and false. Some of my entries are based on true events. Some of my entries are just a figment of my imagination. Some portray my feelings such as sorrow, anger etc at the time of writing. Some are completely made up stories that have lingered in my mind. Some are: what ifs.

And I'm not getting an arranged marriage.
11/15 Direct Link
She never takes her iPod to school because of the anti-social effects it has. She may change her mind now. After school in common room today. Two girls (cousins) were just sitting there arguing:
"You never treat your dad nicely. After all that he does for you, you're such a b***h!"
"But I treat your parents nicely."
"Yeah, but I'm nice to my parents and yours. They do so much for us. You also b***c about your friends behind their backs."
"That was once... oh just f**k off."
She had a hard time resisting slapping the two. iPod may now go with.
11/16 Direct Link
"What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to do the maths topic review for geometric series."

"Then why are you smiling?"

"Because I can."

"Is there a hidden joke?"

"No."

"Please tell me why you're smiling or I'm going to assume that you're in love."

"OK. No need for assumptions."

"Go on then."

"Fine. It's just that... I know these two people.... who are in love... but neither of them have the guts to express their feelings to the other."

"That's funny?"

"Yes... because I can give a 101 reasons/evidence to prove my point but one of them refuses to believe me."
11/17 Direct Link

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear younger brother who looks like an older brother
Happy birthday to youuuuuuuuu

God made day light
and we called it the sun
God made night light
and we called it the moon
God made you
we called it cartoon!

Sorry for the pathetic insults but I'm sure you love it really. You know I only abuse you to shower you with affection.

Now I'm just going to use this time to think about 2 very "genuine" reasons to escape out of certain circumstances that I'm going to have to face from this minute onwards. But 2 words.

11/18 Direct Link
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Maybe. Yes.
11/19 Direct Link
Dear Miss Copy-cat,

I humbly request you to get a job and kill a rat! Stop following me around. Stop borrowing the same books as I do. Stop wearing the same clothes as I do. Stop buying the same stationery as I do. Stop saying the same things as I do. Stop using the same colours for note taking as I do. Stop. Just stop. You are suffocating me and my individuality. I only have one nerve and you are getting on it... like a leech... sucking my uniqueness, thoughts, sayings...even plagiarising my jokes!

No love,
Miss Thriving-to-be-uniqe
11/20 Direct Link
I think I'm going insane. I snap so easily these days...hmm a low Young Modulus I guess. Physics... never mind. To help reflect back on my actions, I made a list of things that have annoyed me recently.

- People grabbing my possessions without my permission, such as pencil case/iPod.
- Distracting me while I'm trying to write an economics essay.
- General nosiness and making assumptions about me and my life. (Leave me alone; it's none of your business) 
- Someone copying EVERYTHING I do!!!
- Criticizing my taste in music
- Criticizing my subject choices
11/21 Direct Link

Life switches to slow motion. I sit there on the bridge wall, in my cropped jeans, red and yellow checkered shirt and a straw hat with a banjo. The crowd, wearing dark coloured coats, swarms past swinging their briefcases without noticing the foreign organism. I wait there. Waiting for those three pairs to skip past, with their hands held and arms linked... The clouds cover the sky and everyone starts rushing around. The moment is here. They skip past just as expected, except the addition of the rain. I climb down, walk away, playing my banjo.

11/22 Direct Link
Did you see the moon tonight?! It was WHOLESOME and AWESOME!

The waves splash against the shores, gently touching my toes. The crackling fire is beginning to go out and a light breeze sweeps hair across my face. The moonlight is keeping me company, the mixture of sounds from the swaying palm trees, splashing and gurgling waves, crackling fire make me realise the presence of a greater force out there. This island is inhabited yet I don't feel lonely. I'm not hungry. I'm not thirsty. I'm sat there being awed by the brightness of the moon. twinkling of the stars... 
11/23 Direct Link
If they do, let them call us crazy 
When there is music and voice, then why hesitate? 
Oh, we will sing our heart's song 
If the world gets upset, let it get upset
If the world fights, let it fight 
If the world sulks, let it sulk 
If ties break, let them break
In our eyes are lightning bolts, in our breath is a storm
What is fear and what is defeat?
For us alone are the sky and earth
Even the stars we will break down, we trust this
Beyond the sky is our place
We are new, why should our style be old?
11/24 Direct Link
Where am I heading to, unaware of the destination
I do not have an abode, not an abode I have
In the gathering of wishes, useless is my affection
I do not have a story, not a story I have
A stranger’s face stays in my gaze
A pain has stopped, night and day, in my painful heart
But do not tell anyone 
There is impatience every moment, what kind of intoxication has been cast
In silence there is sound, even consciousness is lost
Door to door where does it roam, why does the heart dance in excitement
Following a path without a destination, I am.
 
11/25 Direct Link
Drunk people are a scary prospect. I don't drink (alcohol) because it stinks and because I like to remain conscious when I'm having fun. I hate the idea of losing the ability to think practically. I have been to a party where alcohol was abundant. Hated every minute of it. All those people I knew weren't themselves. They were taken over by some sort of careless, foolish organism. Every-time someone gets intoxicated, I lose respect for them. Sorry. Only time I've consumed alcohol is in cake form. My friend's mum made the most delicious rum cake. We didn't get drunk though.
11/26 Direct Link
Twelve pieces of homework. TWELVE PIECES! Actually one of them is physics coursework so that doesn't count. Oh my God! Coursework! *brief moment of panic* The last time I had so much work was when I was in India. That would be when I was in year six about six years ago. I was used to bearing such burden back then but completely lost practice here. I need to plan all this. Planning is key. Always. Even if it doesn't work out as intended. I have made many plans in the past... but now they're merely documents in my documents.
11/27 Direct Link
My perfect life? Living in a wooden hut in the green valleys of the Himalayas while the Ganges flows by. The sound of the birds chirping away will be my alarm in the mornings. Watching the sunrise. Morning jog to the nearest town and back. Fruits for breakfast. Boiled lentils and pulses for lunch. Salad (grown in my front garden) for dinner. Away from technology except instrumental music always playing in the background. No vocals. Helping out at an orphanage. Watching the sunset. Visit to the nearest temple. Bedtime.

But all I can do right now is dream about it.
11/28 Direct Link
Inspiration is scarce. Please bear with me. I seem to have lost my ability to concentrate. For the last hour I've been sitting on my desk, juggling (figuratively) different pieces of work trying to prioritize. I've forgotten everything about normal distribution. I don't know where to begin the materials presentation for physics. Frustration wants me to cry! There's an unfinished coffee mug, cold; scraps of paper with roughly drawn bell graphs; some random calculations I don't remember doing; a hole punch; highlighters; stats book, but concentration is hiding. Nowhere to be found. I'm not easily distracted. 

 Oooooh shiny...
11/29 Direct Link
I would like to dedicate this entry to a special friend of mine without whom I would be lost... in maths. He is ginger and likes to think of himself as a llama. I've given it away, haven't I? Damn... anyway... so basically I am always a failure at the topic reviews and he just sits there watching me suffer, and then offers help (sometimes patiently, otherwise not). I enjoy teasing him about his hair because it's just so awesome and ginger. I can only hope he doesn't want to kill me every-time I do. Nonetheless, we love him really. :)
11/30 Direct Link
Economics conference tomorrow! *highpitchedscream* *return to normal insanity* Just a hint of disappointment that I'm going to miss my double frees in the morning which I could have spent doing my material presentation which needs completion before Friday. But ah well, I'll give up (almost) anything for Economics. We're all meeting the 3 speakers in Friends meeting house. 9am-4:30pm with intervals and hot drinks. Talk is going to be about tuition fees, transport economics and the psychology behind economics ('How much would you pay for a £10 note?') which should reveal that humans are stupid. Couldn't agree more.