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1st of October.
And the point of dating this entry was? Nothing.
Eight days closer to being seventeen. Oh how very exciting. Not. Birthdays don't feel very special any more. I don't understand why people celebrate the fact that they are now a year closer to death.
Someone once said to me, "Dear, when you were born the world rejoiced and you were crying. Make your life as such that when when you die, you rejoice in heaven and the world cries."
Wise words, but... I'd rather stay away from anything that leads to philosophical debates.
Today is a very special day. No one here is aware of it. I'm in the wrong place. Uprooted from my beloved land and dumped in the middle of nowhere. I don't belong here. I feel like a polar bear in the Sahara. My views battling each other, conflict, conflict, conflict. Opinions. What opinions? I am not entitled to opinions. I am called Indifferent. I am not right, nor am I left. I am not here, nor am I there. I am questioning everything I have been taught. Life is an emotional war nearing a tragic end.
I have friends. Alarm makes sure I'm up on time. Morning News makes sure my day is depressing. Darkness accompanies me on my journey to school. Melancholy keeps me occupied in my frees...oh wait, I mean my "study-periods". Work after-school ensures my exhaustion. Cold Wind is my company till I get home. (Reminds me of some lyrics to a song by Mark Ronson: Gonna ride my bike until I get home) Homework always present to keep me away from nostalgia. All are there except the one I need the most. Stationary. Need some. WH Smith.
Why is everyday a race against time? Where does all my time go? I could swear I do a lot less than many people I know yet I still don't have enough time to do all the work I get from school. Oh yes, I know why. It's because I sit here on my desk, in front of the computer, just writing away a hundred words on anything. Perhaps if I was doing some Economics instead of this... you know... interpreting all those demand and supply curves, analysing the shifts in the market equilibrium, predicting and preventing the recession.
I want some peace. I want to run away from here. I want to stay away from the world. I want to live and let live. I want to spread love. I want to conquer hatred. I want to hide in a corner. I want everyone to leave me alone. I want to give up. I want to be understood. I want to speak to God. I want to make a complaint about the world he created. I want to know why he gave us stupid organic beasts free will.
Why would you do this, God? Please answer me. Why?
Trouble is the presence of hyper butterflies in my stomach. Maybe I shouldn't have coffee in the mornings. Maybe I should avoid his cheerful smile. Who knows? Perhaps it's all an illusion and nothing is happening at all. Maybe it's just the brain playing tricks on the heart because of its desperation. I think I should take a step forward. Perhaps I should wait to see if he makes a move.
Whose advice should I seek?
Pride tells me it's impossible. Experience says it's risky. Reason claims it's pointless. Give it a try, whispers the heart.
Sugar is sugar,
salt is salt,
but if you forget me,
is it really my fault?
Terrible poetry, I know. It's better than my oxymoron! Trust me. Actually, why would you? Or why should you? I am a complete stranger to you all. You have no reason to trust me, or believe me or have faith in me.
Why is it that we don't trust strangers in general but if it comes to asking for directions, we have complete faith in them? You never know... they might direct us to hell.
It is my music time.
Teeth talking amongst themselves, "That stupid tongue..."
"There are thirty-two of us and only one of her."
"Maybe we should teach her a lesson. After all it can't be that hard, she's not even half as strong as us."
"Yeah, let's bite her, or crush her!"
Teeth bite the tongue.
Tongue starts rolling here and there trying to protect herself from the treacherous teeth.
As she nears exhaustion, she speaks, "You all are showing your bravery because I'm keeping quiet. One slip is all I need to get all thirty-two of you knocked out."
"Your fiancé is coming. Get ready soon, he wants to take you out today."
"WHAT?! But you guys said I could spend today with you. It's my last birthday here."
"Yes, yes, we know. You'll probably be married this time next year... but that doesn't mean we can't spend your birthday together. We'll come and see you. Or you could come and see us... if he doesn't mind."
"We'll be in New Zealand."
"It's not THAT far."
"I'm not going to marry him."
"Oh, but you have been promised to each other since childhood."
Today I found a lamp in my attic. Just jokingly I tried rubbing it and expected a genie to emerge from it's nozzle. He did. He wasn't all blue and hyper like in Alladin. He was different, unique from all the people I've ever seen, met or known. He had a sparkle in his eyes, a very magnetic personality, a subtle sorrow in his voice, yet a cheerful smile. He was so charming.
My first wish, Peace on earth.
Second wish, Wipe out poverty and discrimination.
Third wish, his freedom.
He hates me now.
This raises one of the most important concepts in all of economic analysis - the notion of opportunity cost. The opportunity cost is the value of the next best alternative foregone. This important notion can be applied in different contexts because whenever you make a decision, you reject an alternative in favour of your chosen option. For example, you have chosen to read this book - when instead you could be watching television or meeting friends.
Excuse me, Mr Author, what exactly are you trying to imply?
Jeez, talk about encouraging people to read books.
I feel rather demoralized.
I love it when you fall
I love it when you fall
I love it when you fall
but you never fall at all
So what's the complication
That's the only question
I love it when you fall
But you never fall at all
He loves it when you fall
He loves it when you fall
For those who don't know, lyrics above are amended from the lyrics of "love it when you call" by The Feeling.
Because I enjoy changing the lyrics to songs. It's just a hobby. And I love watching my friend shake her head when I sing these. It used to be her favourite song.
"What did he say?"
"Stop lying. I saw him whisper something in your ear."
"He didn't say anything."
"Fine! All he said was, 'Thanks for the notes. I'll see you around.'. Happy now?"
"You're still lying. I know what he said. I heard him"
"No you don't know and you didn't hear."
"You should never frown because you never know when someone is falling in love with your smile."
"That's not what he said."
"Stop denying it. I'm not deaf, you know."
"He's just a creepy stalker, okay? It doesn't matter what he said."
Today it rained on the way back home from school. The pitter patter of the raindrops around me brought back the memories of childhood. Oh, how I used to run around on the wet grass like a maniac... a mental monkey who's just found a bunch of bananas. That insanity still lives in me, a drop of childhood still exists within my heart... in reality that child never left me. It just hides away in the deepest caves of the blood pumping mechanism. All it needs is a spark of memory to bring it back to life. It's still alive.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I have stayed alive. That's quite an achievement, I know! Especially when life gives you some extremely sour lemons. I mean, I know I should have made lemonade but life hadn't given me enough sugar to make it sweet or water to dilute/neutralise it. Life is unfair. Then again who said life was fair? No one. I believe there is no such thing as disappointment. It's just a feeling you get when you don't get what you wanted to get. I can resist everything except temptation.
Right... Here I am, writing a hundred words when I should be doing something more important with my life.
Importance. If it's not beneficial for the future, it's not important.
That's my perception anyway. Whhhhyyyy am I here? I have always been anti-writing. Well, I guess my friends are just very convincing.
Need to write some previous entries too but I'm not sure if it's worth going back and writing 15 days' entries just to complete a batch.
6th form open evening coming up next month!! Why am I excited? I ask too many questions.
Last night, I suddenly had an epiphany while watching a horror film. Everyone in the house was sound asleep in their rooms and I was lying low, behind a cushion. Frightened. I needed company but no one was interested in the shocks, thrills and the adrenaline rush from ghosts on a television screen. I was. That's when I realised that I needed a hand to hold on to. An arm around me for protection and security. A shoulder to bury my face when the horrifying paranormal activities on the screen continue to haunt my lonesomeness, gloom and throbbing misery.
Two morals for today.
A day without a laughter is a day wasted.
A couple in the living room... jokingly, the female throws a cushion at him and he spills his tea on the table which had an unfinished newspaper. The girl finds the annoyed look on his face amusing and the fact that he's consumed less caffeine therefore it is better for his health. This angers the guy, "Everything in life is a joke to you, isn't it? Opposites attract theory is WRONG!"
Second moral: Marriages are made in heaven, then again so are thunder and lightening.
It was nice being lectured by a person with a PPE (Philosophy, Politics and Economics) degree from Oxford that our generation is completely doomed and our future lies in ruins. After all, we have global warming to look forward to, perhaps a double dip recession, energy crisis, oil scarcity, 2012 (Oooh even the 'THE END'). Suddenly I had an epiphany about a dance step (since I was dancing in my mind because it was raining outside, and the lecture was rather depressing.)
New dance craze: The Politician. Two steps forward, one step backward and then a side step.
These are just some of the quotes that my friends have said which I found rather amusing. As you can tell, I'm beginning to run out of creativity. So here it goes:
David: The Mormons set up Las Vegas.
Andrei: 'Pathetic' really is a pathetic word.
Lauren: Isn't that picture cool? I love big cats... Oh wait, that's a tiger.
Raj: When I stepped out of the plane after landing (in India) I was quite horibalized because the weather was so fire-istic.
Anonymous: Always remember that a true friend is someone who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.
I thought I'd interview some women on whether they would rather have beauty/brain.
Woman #1 picked beauty. No surprises. Most would rather have beauty. It's quite typical of them really.
Then I asked many others too. They chose beauty which lead to my worry. If all women chose beauty who's going to have the brain?
So I decided to ask the last woman in my survey as to why beauty was such a popular choice.
She then replied, "An average woman would rather have beauty than brain because the average man can see better than he can think."
We were going to a family gathering for a religious festival. As we were nearing our destination, we missed an exit at the roundabout and entered wrong one. The Sat Nav calculated another route so we decided to follow that instead of making a U-Turn.
Everything was going smoothly until we saw an accident. The smashed car, obviously a right off. Glass everywhere, the flashing lights of the ambulances, fire engines and police cars were blinding. Traffic jam.
The paramedics were rescuing the driver who looked severely injured, paralysed... possibly dead.
I felt disturbed after seeing that.
I didn't dance that night.
"What are you doing?"
"Writing a 100 words."
"Hang on... don't you hate writing?"
"I used to..."
"And then someone told me I should write a 100 words."
"And you just agreed? I don't remember you being so easily persuaded....ever!"
"Yeah, I know. Neither do I."
"Who told you to write a 100 words?"
"Who's this someone?"
"Is this someone imaginary?"
"I used to think so."
"So it's a real person."
"Guy or a girl?"
"You're crossing the limits."
"Maybe you should shut the window. Allergic to something in this countryside?
So... where would you like to go today? It's your birthday so the choice is yours."
"Drive me back home to my family."
"I heard you didn't want to marry me."
"Why not? We've known each other for twenty years."
"No, I'm only nineteen! Our parents have known each other for twenty years."
"But we know each other well and we get along."
"We've only met five times in the past nineteen years and so far spent about three weeks in the same place."
A kettle can be used:
One: To boil water for hot beverages.
Two: To demonstrate evaporation and then condensation.
Three: As an artefact/show-piece.
Four: As a weapon against thieves/burglars.
Five: To hear it whistle when the water is boiling.
Six: As a source for inspiration when running out of ideas for a 100 words.
Seven: To smack younger siblings on the head when they're being annoying.
Eight: To stare at.
Nine: To pasteurize water for drinking purposes?
And last, most important but not the least,
Ten: When having a water fight with the neighbours' children.
So, why do I love Mr Hardingham so much? I know. You don't. Neither do they. No one ever will, except perhaps The One. I'm not sure I would like to tell anyone the genuine reason for my love for Mr Hardingham. No one would understand, except perhaps The One. It's not "Oh, I want to marry you!" love... it's something completely different... no one would understand, except perhaps The One. It's just that he resembles someone... you know, someone rather... actually you won't understand. No one would understand, except perhaps The One. It's like I've known him for decades...
I really want to:
- Play hide and seek with LOTS (possibly twenty to forty) of friends at midnight under clear skies and the full moon with "All the right moves" playing really loudly in the background.
- Listen to 'Maa Tujhe Salaam" by A.R. Rehman while in the plane when landing in Mumbai at the end of the journey from Heathrow.
- Go to Hawaii, North India, Dubai, Australia, New Zealand and many other places with a big group of friends
- Be the world's first space tourist.
- Become an astronaut and live on the moon
- Renounce the world.
Easy and difficult.
Easy is to judge the mistakes of others; difficult is to recognise our own mistakes.
Easy is to talk without thinking; difficult is to refrain the tongue.
Easy is to hurt someone who loves us; difficult is to heal the wound.
Easy is to forgive others; difficult is to ask for forgiveness.
Easy is to set rules; difficult is to follow them.
Easy is to dream every night; difficult is to fight for a dream.
Easy is to show victory; difficult is to assume defeat with dignity.
Easy is to make mistakes; difficult is to learn from them.
I never really knew you
You were just another friend,
But when I got to know you
I let my heart unbend.
Maybe these words will be of no hue,
You smile and everything fades away,
But sweet things always touch your soul
I will pray and always pray that for you.
Maybe I don’t know when to stop and when to go,
I am quite different from others,
But when silence keeps you boring
I know how to play with the snow!
Sweet moments come for a while
So kiss every bliss and morning dew
I just share from real to reel
But one thing is for sure I really miss you
Rain. When Mother Nature is crying. Rain. When you can't bottle up your sorrows any more. Rain. When your heart can no longer sustain the wounds. Rain. When injustice had reached its limits. Rain. When the spirit needs to unload the burden it's carrying. Rain. When you can run in the fields and cry without the world noticing. Rain. When the life is black and white. Rain. When God realises you need a rainbow to pour the colours back in. Rain. When you know it's time to dance. Rain. When you learn to fall in love all over again.
He wore a cardboard box painted bright orange and had a face carved in it. The box was almost as big as him; he had to go sideways through doors and carried a lamp. Was he meant to be a pumpkin? There was a look of discomfort on his face. He was the tallest amongst his friends yet something else distinguished him from the others. There was a certain spark about his smile.. something rather striking and mysterious. A glint in his eyes. He seemed like the perfect leader for the group. All the households hoped they would see him again...
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