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Moving in again, moving out, the shifting of furniture is another change in life force. This one a settling in for the last round of adventures, and the holding of space before the slide off the planet. We are little beings on this earth. We build our houses to expand our footprint. I am here; see all my stuff! We build in our comforts and conveniences; heat, air, water, books, TV. We wall ourselves from nature. Our home becomes our most evolved fiction... where we spend most of our time, invest most of our efforts. We forget nature. April Fools.
Company coming a swirl of activity invades this space organizational efforts abound dusting surfaces refrigerator scrubbed piles of papers sorted and filed throw out the messes get ready for peace and conversation and friendship and cards and talk and connecting again Like home in a visitor Thanks be to friends I am grateful for being able to share shelter and good news and exchange of the journeys of our lives each year an accumulation of new ideas and goals and lessons with wisdom and laughter let's plan another adventure work up a new challenge listen intently to our inner hopes
Hallelujah, Hallelujah. I now have a dream job. Amazing course of events keep surprising me. I get a yes around every corner; the possibility of purchasing a good investment, the new building. Now, today I got hired by a women I know I'll enjoy working with. Plus, she said she was interested in my clinical skills and that I could use the position to experiment with new populations. AND it pays more than I have ever made before (with one exception.) Also, I had great luck in visiting a frame shop yesterday to get a repair. T'was only $20. Hallelujah!
It occurred to me that I have a dedicated angel in heaven now. My father is looking out for me. I can almost feel his impulse to guide me into taking a few risks with extra cash inheritance. I remember his can do spirit; his stories about taking chances when he didn't know what he was doing and how they always seemed to work out. My father seemed to have a charmed life of luck and love and passion. He took his skills into new, thrilling places, had faith (in God?) or in his abilities. He might be leading me.
We struggle at developing our dream group. Well, struggle might not be the correct word. We continue on; meeting even if two of us show. We are the faithful to the process. I guess we wonder why others don't find it as compelling a practice as we do. It is a way to bring the subconscious into consciousness so that one can discover one's issues or complexes or fears. The belief is that unless these things are examined, one's life will be highjacked by their influences without awareness. That, obviously, diminishes control of one''s life. Know your subconscious, know yourself.
I went to a wardrobe workshop today. It was boring, and a waste of money. But here is the main thing I learned: You go shopping to buy WHAT YOU NEED AFTER EXAMINING WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE. Evidently, one should shop for clothes like we shop for groceries. This is a new concept for me. Really. I have been shopping as a form of retail therapy for a lifetime. I feel down, or bored; I make up an excuse about why I deserve a new anything and then I go. I buy what I fall in love with. Big lesson.
My favorite room of the house, any house, is the backyard, if I'm allowed. It is the quiet space I share with nature. It has wildness and tameness. It is the first place to feel the sun of a new morning. It beckons me from an upstairs window, "come down, sit a spell." I oblige on many occasions, though sitting still is an illusive feat. There is always some measure of engagement; a little task of tidiness or a complete redirection of my afternoon efforts. No matter. The backyard comforts family crowds easily with visual beauty and fragrant scented foliage.
Life is great right now. I feel like I am living my dream. I have made good decisions to allow me to fulfill my dream. All things are lining up now. The fact that I'm in school, among teachers and students that can support me, that I have friends that are cheering for me, that I have a job that can sustain me, yet give me the freedom to pursue my goal, the fact that I got rid of Mr. No Man and that Dad provided me an inheritance (Bless you!) and that I ceased the opportunity when it arose.
I have had a quiet dream in my being, like Owen Meany had a dream. It has always been there in different forms. Mine isn't the need to rescue. It's the want to provide the opportunity for others to grasp: art in any form, is a positive, whispering but mighty force inside all human beings. It is calling inside each of us to participate in life thoughtfully, mindfully. "Here," I want to say, "you can create." "Here, art will lead you down an invisible path toward your well being." It's as powerful and as subtle as that. Here. Start creating.
Me and beer; the real story: When I dispiritedly quit smoking ten years ago come June 23rd, I needed something. Something that would reward me for going a whole 'nother day without a cigarette. A cold beer in the evening, contrasting with the summer heat of California seemed like just the ticket. I have had a beer or a glass of wine almost every day since then. Some studies that say the practice is good for your health--because it makes you happier. But alas, one beer seriously puts a dent in productivity. Today, I found 7 ounce beers. Yes!!
I've been celibate since 2007 (Jan. 8.) It might be my age, or it might be that I have resolved that particular loss in my life. Resignation? I sympathize with my girlfriends who are tortured by their single status and feel continuous discontent if there is no man in their life. But it's such a waste of energy, from my viewpoint. Life is great; sex is totally overrated. Just forget about it--like a doughnut. I wonder what would life be like if the concept of marriage had never been devised? There would still be love, without so much struggle!
I had a brilliant idea yesterday about the "marriage conundrum." I think couples could stay together, though not necessarily live together. It's the tightness, the bumping into each others space and time and expectations that causes problems. Alright, I know these frictions are supposed to make you achieve this team-spirited good-nature compromise championship; but when does it? It doesn't. Couples should lug onto each other during that sweet, short, beginning bout...when it's over, it's over. Then, live in two houses, have kids, have space, have lives and interests outside of the marriage. Keep a very friendly relationship.
Enough time away from work,so that I'm starting to look forward to going back. I've managed to keep busy, organize, prepare for spring (will it ever come?) and finish details. It's been great. I think the solitude has been healing. I'm ready to start challenging myself again; learn a new skill, go back to an old skill? I might start to paint tomorrow. I keep dreaming about the future, how this time my new enterprise is not born out of ego--not look at me! Look what I can do! but just open the door and let it happen.
I've discovered I'm not an avid writer when I'm not suffering.There is nothing to fuel my energy into words. So I'll just be grateful for small favors today. I'm so happy not to have a job this minute, and yet the promise for a job next week; how great! I'm happy to have really good food at home and can eat on my own schedule. I'm thrilled to be living on a dream of the future, with an odd sense of optimism and unwarranted confidence that it will all work out. I am a very lucky and grateful woman.
I'm starting a new pace in my life. Gone is the frantic catching up mode and in its place is the preparation mode. The thinking ahead strategy... anticipation reduces stress better than any coping technique. Like today, even though the temperatures outside are still cold, in a week's time there will come summer heat...so I already brought my summer wardrobe up from the basement to the upstairs. I'm growing into maturity. It feels weird but right. It feels like I'm in control of my life, instead of reacting to circumstances that happen to me. This is a good mode.
My new revelation of late was: tell the truth. A modification is in order. Recognizing and accepting the truth is a different skill than SAYING the truth. Saying the truth is not always the best course of action, Iím learning. I can relieve myself of a burden that wants to be expressed, but in doing so create a wall that's impossible? to overcome. Wow. I donít know what my sister is feeling. I donít know what her silence is saying. There is a terrible discomfort in that. I guess I regret my honesty. Perhaps it was venomous.
It's a fill it up while you wait day. I've made dinner, and all the accompaniments. I've cleaned and dusted, went swimming. This is a day like it would be if I were retired. I have no homework assignments or projects around the house. I've already done the season switch on my wardrobe thing. I'm interested in what I do, now that I have finally caught up... with everything. Of course, I could start reading the 30 books I have waiting for my attention, but I'm having trouble settling down. I really like busyness so much better. Stillness seems boring.
Endings all around. I'm in an autumn phase of my life. Though incongruent, it is helpful to be surrounded by the spring season. It keeps me aware that life will go on. As relationships crash and burn, there are buds on the trees, and daffodils opening. Life is sad, life is so good. Yin Yang. There is no such thing as an inconsequential action. There are always footprints left; relationships marred or relationship lead into grace. Not acting and yet observing the detrimental effects of being discounted and treated unfairly stacks bricks into the wall between you. So be it.
Recently saw the sundance film titled "The Wonder". It was slow moving, minimal dialogue, beautiful scenes, sensitive cinematography, and too long. It was an appreciation of romance, love and the insecurity and suffering about love. Watching the female protagonist it was clear that she basked in the admiration of his gaze, like a flower in the sun... her radiance, aliveness, assurance depended on his attention. The male in the movie, while appreciative of her beauty and attentive enough, had other pressing matters in the world to attend to. Thus, the flower starts to wilt from lack of attention. Aggravating postulate.
An financial offer was made yesterday to remedy an imbalance in a property settlement between sisters. I happily accepted. I'm content now because my opinion and beliefs were finally heard and (even if begrudgingly) considered. Lessons learned as layers of myself are uncovered: that I am very sensitive to being disregarded. I don't like feeling invisible. I hate being walked over (or on?) by people that are important to me. There is a seven year old inside me who doesn't know how to handle discounts. The rage has been squelched by family mores, and yet it leaks onto my life.
Big sister thinks little sister should shut up and listen. Big sister thinks little sister should continue to be powerless and stay in her corner. Big sister considers little sister an inconvenience when she is stands up for herself and wants to be heard. Big sister thinks little sister is mean and nasty when she confronts unfairness. Big sister accuses little sister of attacking her if she uses her big girl voice. Big sister admonishes little sister, "you're hurting my feelings!" Big sister thinks little sister should calm down and pretend to be sweet (sweet and all costs.) Fuck you!
Ahh, the lure of victimhood. Who knew the seductiveness? The negativity, no, the overriding feeling of gnawing discontent. The deep darkness of the big hole I was in diminished my thinking powers and my will to find a solution. Part of the problem was the fear of my own emotional disorganization. The emotional intensity that over came me shocked me into shutting up and reinforced that response--the running away from it, and I fixated on silent brooding. Remember this. In hindsight, the remedy: "this is not OK, but we will find better way" would have kept some positivity alive.
Courtday. How does one summon courage? Where does it come from? That's the wrong question. Courage is not a magic shield that envelopes you and guards you while attempting brave deeds. No it's a flimsy mental gymnastic routine whereby one develops a convincing rationalization for pursuing a course of action. It helps to look at the larger picture and the smallest one too. On a grand scale, the action will be minimalized: "this is not going to kill you." Also, think: "this uncomfortable segment of time will only last for x number of minutes and then it will be over."
If only emotions could be caged. Emotions are essential to one's ability to be aware of self. They are tools to inform us of our own nature, of danger, of things that need to be changed, of attraction to find the right companions for our individual needs and desires. Essential! But emotions inhibit us, too. Fear keeps us from expressing ideas that need communication. Anger becomes a source of discomfort. Anxiety fixates us on the problem and inhibits creative thinking. Sadness casts a gloom over our days. Separating reality from fictionalized, emotionally charged situations is a challenging skill to develop.
It's dark in my living room, as rain pours from the sky. I'm fueling my mood with chocolate covered raisins. Again, my sister isn't talking to me. So funny. We each think we have excellent people skills. She sees herself as the master social butterfly. I see myself as the brave communication warrior. So I ask myself...is it her? or is it me? Why can't we talk about our disagreements? Obviously, we each have the ability to say words and to hear. So, why do we not want that to happen? What's the fear? Heartbreak? Chaos? Not by me.
What does it mean when people would rather hang on to their anger than work out the problem? What is the purpose of the wall of silence? It must be the need for space. Or the fear of confrontation or the nurturing of self righteousness or the need of drama or the feeding of the ego or...something. I want the door closed, too, but there is still an aching desire to be understood and to mend this horrendous rift. Then, I could close the door and accept that we have grown apart with some dignity. Silence won't cut it.
Did I lose a new friend by taking time to lick my wounds and gather my strength? Friendships have to be nurtured and that requires making time for one another. But treating oneself as a best friend is really crucial too. Emotional wounds seem analogous to physical wounds the body tries to heal. It takes rest and quiet and relief from stress. As I shelter myself in a cocoon, there is no guarantee that as the butterfly emerges, there will be anyone available to greet me. Old friends by phone perhaps, but new alliances have past me by. Keep trying.
Wasting the day. I love it. No agenda. i spent half the day watching TV! OMG, I never do that, but it was just the thing for guilty pleasure and relaxation and knowing I can do anything I want to. This is a day the Lord hath made. This is a day I'm choosing to do nothing. I'm luxuriating in my continuous exploration of self desire, self discovery, self knowledge...I see a lazy, free person resting on this rainy, Sunday afternoon. Bravo. I am a human being, being alive, without a plan, and thankfully without any needs. Really fortunate.
I'm sorry that we can't both have our own way about this. And that when push comes to shove, I can only decide in my own best interest. My positive, right now, might seem like a negative to you at this moment. But even life's big fucking deals, ideas or dreams that we cling to...we can get over. Time passes and in the art of life there are no mistakes. One makes decisions with good intentions, then the rest will work itself out in a way we never imagined. In a few years from now, released from expectations, you ....
Seriously, writers, isn't the last day of the month, the most fun here at 100 words?...when the last word is written, and the submit button pushed and all your dedicated words and total sum of all the effort you spent during the month gets flung into availability of the public eye? I mean, no one is really waiting for your words with baited breath. No one really knows these words are yours (love that) and yet you have divulged your secrets...spilled your guts, shared your intensity, your brilliance, your values. You have put yourself way out there! Bravo.
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