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08/01 Direct Link
Tennessee Williams wrote once "How beautiful it is and how easily it can be broken", when referring to a piece of spun glass. I disagree. In the destructive world that we live in, why do we hold fragile things so dear? If it can be torn apart with ease, why do we hold it precious?

I would like to find beauty in durability. Create wondrous things in an element that can last forever. Unfortunately for the artists of the world no medium is timeless. And even memories fade over time.

Even the words written and saved here will be lost.

08/02 Direct Link
I want it to rain. Send a deluge of individual bullets down. To wash away the day. The million slaps of water hitting the world drowns out my headache. Gone are the noises of trucks on the highway, yelling neighbors, and sounds of sprinklers. The rain becomes white noise, destroying everything else in my mind. Allowing only the all encompassing pitter-patter into my thoughts. I want it to rain. So that I can ignore the rest of the world. Let the sound of the drops envelop my mind. When it rains is the only time I truly feel sane.
08/03 Direct Link
Pocket your pills away. Save them for a later day. You are not dying nor dead. The only true pain is to feel none at all. That twinge you feel now and then is just a reminder that you are alive. Why try to dull your senses in life?

Embrace it. Live it. Love it.

Someday you won't be able to. I will love to see you count your regrets then. Piling higher than those little capsules that you call sanity. Isn't true feeling worth more than vanity?

Sometimes I slice deep, just to know what true red looks like.
08/04 Direct Link
Driving in silence is never right. The quiet road slips out of sight. The hum of the car blending into nothing. The radio is dead, along with the voices in your head. No break from monotony. Even hitting the brakes doesn't change anything.

Nothing ever changes, nothing ever will.

Driving in silence is never right. The quiet road slips out of sight. The hum of the car blending into nothing. The radio is dead, along with the voices in your head. No break from monotony. Even hitting the brakes doesn't change anything.

But tomorrow will be different. That I promise.
08/05 Direct Link
Standing on this stage for an empty crowd. I'm blinded by a spotlight in the center. Purple filters shroud me in a dark hue. A beam of alien violet threatens to lift me up. Yet my limbs are lead and the noises are long dead. The ringing in my ears from years of amps and cables and strings is the only sound. Every seat silent, a memento to a nameless cheering soul. And as I stare, surrounded in this purple light, no one is in sight. The site of thousands of voices is empty. And my head fills with memories.
08/06 Direct Link
An open letter to Miss Indecisive,

(You know who you are).

Almost every answer is an " I don't care", "whatever", or "I don't know". You simply cannot go through life with such carelessness. You'll end up lower and lower with each decision passed by.

So I've found a solution for you. When faced with a decision and you can't pick one path, flip a coin.

Yep. That's it. Heads and Tails.

Because in that brief moment that the coin is spinning through the air, you will know in your heart what you want it to land on.

Your Welcome,

Ryan
08/07 Direct Link
Thoughts of you slip into my head tonight as I lay in bed. I whisper silently into the night "loneliness is never right".

I dreamt I woke up next to you. We smiled and slept the day through. Together in dreams everything is seamless. Distance is something traveled side by side. Not by a telephone call. Then I woke again. Falling through the abyss, distance was real and everything was amiss.

If I could reject reality and insert my own fantasy, I'd ignore the fame, fortune, and fun. Instead the distance between you and me would be less than one.
08/08 Direct Link
I picked up new vinyl the other day. Well, not new. Old. But new in my hands. I was excited for new Journey albums. Of the 70 or so records most are worth adding to my collection. Which is great. I also picked up another copy of Live Bullet (Bob Seger) in that set, so I'll choose which is in better condition and sell the other one. I don't know how many albums I have, but it's more than I can store. Along with my 45's, I bet I have over 300 individual albums.  I need more milk crates!
08/09 Direct Link
The instant I feel that vibration I lunge for my phone. I know words from you are just seconds away. I never hesitate. Then I am thrown into debate because my response needs to be great. Needs to be great and peaceful yet strong. Needs to show you that nothing is wrong. That I am here, just a lunge away. I know it is all just a facade but I hope a message sent through space can substitute for now. But the truth is that I need you here, I need you now. I don't care the way or how.
08/10 Direct Link
You look at me with those eyes and say everything has changed, but I've seen you naked and changing seems strange. Don't fill me with lies. There is no compromise, either we move on or we don't. Just don't leave me clueless and wondering while you are peacefully slumbering. So hesitate all you want. I'm not waiting for you any longer. Getting over you will make me stronger. And I best be starting soon. Don't bat those eyes and try to make me swoon. I will still be taking care of me and my own, long after you are gone.
08/11 Direct Link
Restless Idealism. We all have it inside, even the cynics (disappointed Idealists). Deep down in the pocket of our soul (next to that dusty box containing Anarchism) is an Idealist. We all see a world in which we want to live. A perfect world that is perfect for us. But how do we take this world (which has so many holes) and turn it into ours? Some say one little bit at a time. Others say we can't. I argue, how come it isn't already? You can see your perfect world. All you gotta do is look with your imagination.
08/12 Direct Link
It's easier with words. When I write you a letter or even an email I can wait for your reaction. I don't get the immediate response. It takes awhile. Days for the letter to be sent, hours for me to access a computer again. It's easier because I can open now. Open up and show myself raw. Show the deep me. The real me. Because when I do it I don't know how you take it. I won't see the negativity. By the time you see me again you'll have hidden it. If it's joy you'll let it out anyways.
08/13 Direct Link
You started smoking. Pot, cigars, hookah, cigarettes. The whole lot.

I'm crushed.

Yea I have a social cigar with my friends. Yea I've smoked a hookah a few times at social occasion.

But I've never paid $5 for a pack. And I've never been high.

You think you're weak. And it's a crutch. Fuck. Get drunk. I'll supply the alchohol. Just don't sit there and smoke that cigarette when you know damn well my grandma is dying because of it.

Don't sit there and try to act cool and that you're ok.

Don't act like I don't love you anymore.
08/14 Direct Link
Here I am reading quotes and dreaming again.

I couldn't take it tonight. You both were a whirlwind. I guess next time I'll listen to K. and spend the evening with her. I feel bad that I pushed her aside for a pretty smile. Even when I knew it wasn't what I wanted. Or what I need.

And so I lay here disappointed and upset. Reading quotes and trying to reset my mind. Wishing and dreaming and thinking into the night.

I showed another person my blog today. It was another big step. I'm scared to give people that link.
08/15 Direct Link
The bracelet that stands out the most is the one you made me.

It's plain white string. And my friend says it's the simplest knot in any bracelet book. I have fancier bracelets. Bracelets with better colour, bracelets with better designs. I have beads and I have silver. My wrist is a myriad of bracelets every day.

But I keep this plain white one on.

The dirt and the sun and the water has started to get to it.
And soon it might deteriorate.

 I'll lose you then. The day it falls off.

Right now, It's all that's left.
08/16 Direct Link
It makes life exciting being a tornado. You live and breathe in twists and turns. Nothing holds you back except your strength and will. Never laying at home bored and hopeless. Living fast and clear. Right now. With a smile and a turn you can choose your own path. Reshuffle the cards and get a better hand. Lay your flush and make her blush. Spinning her around until her only choice is to grab you and hold on tight (a devilish plan that is). Until you lay exhausted from the day of fun. Smiling and laughing in the setting sun.
08/17 Direct Link
My bookcase fell today. Around seven AM I was woken up by a deluge of print. My bookcase had finally succumbed to the weight of my passion. The foundation at been leaning for awhile and it finally gave in. Through investigation I assume that it crashed to the right, then fell forward. Landing on top of my sleeping form and sending my book collection flying. Shaken, I cleared the dreams from my head just in time to catch my record player just as it too took a fall. Four hours and a new bookcase later, my room is clean again.
08/18 Direct Link
I woke up to a text message, a voicemail, and an email from you. It was perfect. Smile and after smile ensued. I just wish I could return the favour. I lay in this house alone. Knowing that you're asleep and alone in that bed of yours.Someday being alone will only happen if we choose.

Because arms wrapped around pillows are never right. One day we'll have each other in sight. Until then technology is our friend. Until then we'll just have to pretend.

So keep on smiling and being cute. One day, I promise, I'll be there too.
08/19 Direct Link
Leaving for college today. My second year. Seeing as how the next 5 days are going to be rush rush rush, and then the next nine months away from family and more rush, I doubt I'll get a chance to really write like I did during the summer. Oh well. Hopefully the eight hour drive north won't suck me of all my energy. Only the kind that can be replenished through delicious UP food and sights. Hoping to take the parents to a few waterfalls. Since this is my second year I can play tour guide for them up there.
08/20 Direct Link
I spent all summer praying for cooler weather and rain. Rain to wash away my fears, my worries, my boredom. Rain to play in, to smile in, to dance in. Halfway up Highway 41 I finally got my torrential downpour. The world works in mysterious ways. I got soaked as I unrolled my Tonneau cover to protect the futon mattress in the back of my truck. As the water penetrated my shirt (and parts of the mattress) I had to smile. Here was my rain. Finally my 11:11's came through. Just my luck, it happened at the wrong time.
08/21 Direct Link
Today I took my parents sight seeing. It was glorious. Finally they understand (I hope) why I love this place. "Yes, I'm over 500 miles from home. But look, it's Heaven." As the sun set over the mountains the trees around us already showed hints of the coming fall. Breathing the freshest air I ever have in my life (normally breathing the pollution of one of the largest auto cities in the nation) I smiled. Even though my family was leaving in a few days and I'd be left alone up here, life was perfect. I was almost perfectly Happy.
08/22 Direct Link
The dorm room is all set up. My record player currently has The Doobie Brother's playing (I saw them in concert)! And the furniture is decently organized (almost). Tomorrow is going to be poster day. My poster collection will cover these white walls. Blank walls are criminal and the University frowns on spray paint. So posters work well. I have everything from music, to vintage, to movies, to transformers posters. The trick is aligning them all so it looks decent. (Part of me wishes this site allowed one picture with each entry, the other knows that it'd defeat the purpose).
08/23 Direct Link
Drinking Mercury.

I never did. Never got to touch it either. Damn safety regulations. I'll look out after myself thank you. I remember Junior year of high school they cleaned all the Mercury out. Boxes and boxes of the stuff. I tried stealing some. They caught me. Woops. My dad says he's a genius and that he'd be a super genius if he hadn't played with Mercury when he was a kid. Running joke. I guess it doesn't create as much humour as it does jealousy with me.

It's interesting how one username can spark a train of thought.

Thanks.
08/24 Direct Link
I'd like to steal a sunset. Keep it in a jar. Take it with me every so often, just to see the cotton candy colours. On one of these days you'd ask to see it. Smiling, I'd slyly pull the jar out the old Crown Royal bag (dirty from continued use). The light would flash in all directions and reflect from your eyes. Colours like a kaleidoscope, some you've never seen. Pick each end of the spectrum. Imagine all that's in between. Just think of it. With the lid screwed tight, I'd keep my sunset till the end of time.
08/25 Direct Link
I added a photography section to my blog today. Posted a few photos I took with my 1979 Pentax k1000. I am by no means a photographer, but I enjoy the thought of it. It's hard to find cheap film though.

Writing for my school paper again. College is grand. It's weird that I am working to be an engineer, yet writing for the paper. It's fun to get paid to write though. Especially when I write in the Opinion section. All I have to do is state my mind. No effort involved there.

But...

I'm nervous for this weekend.
08/26 Direct Link
I haven't been moved into my dorm for more than a week and already girls are spending spare time in my room.

Excellent.

I think.


The cool part though, is that two of them have already lent me books. The Prophet by Gibran and Coming Up for Air by Orwell. Both older and not as mainstream as I would expect from teenage girls. But perhaps I just don't give them enough credit. We are the intellectuals of today's youth after all.

One visitor caught me as I was writing. She seemed genuinely interested in reading everything.

That's new to me.
08/27 Direct Link
"I don't stay in much".

The last words of my morning collision.
Corners turned, heads bumped, apologies flowing like water. A fierce battle over the origin of fault began, of course. Yet it was she who would be crowned the winner. With that line she was at least.

With both her hair and edges of her flannel flowing in the 2mph walking breeze, she strode confidently out of sight. It was only then, after she was gone of course, (we never think of this beforehand), that I realized I didn't ask her name.

Let's just hope we collide again soon.

08/28 Direct Link
Love has no desire but to fulfill itself.

It will come and come on strong. So let it envelope you for there is no stopping it. The charm and smile is irresistible. With love beneath your feet, growth of your soul is unmatched.

But be wary of the dagger hiding in the shadows. Even as you flush hot and spiral to the top, love has it's own agenda. It will lay waste if it's appealing, just as the sea claims cloth and timber.
Do not fear the shadowy depths as one might. Rather respect and understand that wild is wild.
08/29 Direct Link
So my first day of my 3rd semester at Tech starts tomorrow. And a freshman is sitting next to me with Flaarp., Normally I write about more interesting things. But tonight, this is all I can concentrate on. It's this pink gel like substance that you push into a small plastic tube almost like a large film canister. The sound the air makes as it passes the substance when it leaves the tube is very flatulent.

It's a great way to write. Flaarp background noise.

But anyway.

First day of school tomorrow. Can't fail this year. Gotta focus. Gotta focus.
08/30 Direct Link
Where is she?

That girl that fits in the crook between my neck and shoulder so well. The one with mismatched socks and random earrings. Who smells beautifully of something you can never quite place. And can smile like nobody's business. Where is the girl with smooth hair, softness for poetry, and heart filled songs? Yet can rock to a beat and wears crazy colours if she wishes. The one who loves watching the sunset and stars both. With bangs falling across her eyes as she gazes with child-like wonder. 
 
I'm searching for her.

Where is she?
08/31 Direct Link
Ink cartridges run dry. I can't print out this poem tonight. If I could, I'd fold it neat and swirl your name on top. Then let you hold it tight in your hand. You know I would.

After you promise not to read till I was gone. I'd walk away, fading into the distant dawn. I'd hope you'd hurry and read it quick. Flowery words designed to make you smile. That was my intent all the while.

Yet my perfect world is never true. I guess I'll just have to hit send. Or maybe handwritten is better in the end.