BY Tai

01/01 Direct Link
Spent the day with April today. Thank my lucky stars she allowed me to come to her house. Just yesterday, the last day of the year, New Years' Eve... I saw the notification in my inbox, telling me to do my entries. Three of them. I was too late - I had missed my chance again.

I considered going back and writing all of them trying to relive how I felt on those days and, essentially, cheat.

But I didn't.

I feel like now this is the new year, and I need to leave behind who I was in December. Again.
01/02 Direct Link
It's done now. We're broken up.

It feels like I spent an eternity grieving over him, and the loss of him. Betrayal. The lies, the deception. Regret, since I never spoke up when things seemed wrong - I only dismissed my intuition, forced myself to ignore it until in the end... I realized I was right all along.

It's painful to step aside.

It's painful to... give up.

But frankly, I feel free. I feel... so free. I see now that I was very stressed with him, even if I was happy. Though... would do it over ever time.

I'm... reborn.
01/03 Direct Link
I really do feel brand new. Being at school, being around people... giving myself chances, and forcing myself to take those chances... to start all over. Forge real, lasting friendships with those people who are actually around me... I feel like I was finally given that new slate I wanted so badly. I feel like I can finally really start over.

I'll put on my old brave face, the one I wore two Decembers ago when I knew what strength there was in silence. I'll smile, retreat into myself a bit, but experience everything. Hold myself back emotionally, but... live.
01/04 Direct Link
I keep asking myself Vivi's question over and over again. "Are you sorry? I hope you are. But for who? You, who should have said, or her, who suffered through it all?"

I wonder that, too.

It feels like he just let me go, never looked back. Like the moment he was caught, every confession was a lie. Every tender moment was shrouded in shadows, and the labor he did to keep my in the dark surpassed any kind of genuine feelings he used to have.

What was I worth in the end?

I wish I wouldn't ask any questions.
01/05 Direct Link
When I wake up in the morning, I feel like I may very well be the only person alive. I'll wake to the sound of the alarm clock. Everyone else is already downstairs, probably getting ready to leave. I roll out of bed and make my way across the hall to shower.

Once the steam swirls around me and I am alone, I blink sleep from my heavy eyelids. I've been refreshing the same pages.

Every morning, though, I think of him as the water falls on my shoulder. This morning was the same, but...

The hurt wasn't there anymore.
01/06 Direct Link
It's almost funny how Mr. Hauze has so much faith in me. "You're on for Monday," he said, more a statement than a question. "Right?"

I looked at him blankly with a sheepish smile. Typical response. He met my silence as always, motioning pointedly to the whiteboard behind him. "April 8th is the PA Academic."

My sheepish smile turned to more of a grimace, and I stared at the scrawled date and location beyond his finger. More silence.

"You don't have enough faith in yourself," he said. "We can start practicing, or next year we'll be having the same conversation."
01/07 Direct Link

We had a snow day today - the first one all year. We ended up with a good amount of snow; I think it was about four inches. It felt very nice to sleep in.

I spent all of today playing Kingdom Hearts 2. It's a lovely game, really. I love playing the Gummi Ship parts, though the graphics are simply beautiful. I have to say, I feel like I am neglecting a lot of the character customization since I just shied away from all of what I didn't immediately understand.

Sora's face reminds me of him... I liked Roxas more.

01/08 Direct Link
I wonder where I'm going with my life at time. I feel lighter than I have in a while - I guess somehow I'm desperately trying to do anything to keep myself from feeling pain.

I eat more. I sleep later. I play video games if I start to try thinking...

Maybe I'm miserable even though I feel fine. I'm letting myself go - I wonder what A would say of me now...

I keep refreshing the same page, even though I don't want to. Live updates, guestbook (checking for a message), visitors (checking for his name). Then I reread the post...
01/09 Direct Link
Lio got back to college yesterday. I can tell I am going to be seeing him around a lot now (and Basa, too), and I'm not so happy about that.

To be completely honest, the concept of staying friends with him and having to be constantly reminded of the fact that he lied to me and wasted seven months of my life... kind of... deteriorated in quality as the days wore on.

I am finally... myself again. I am happy to not tell anyone what happened, happy to keep it secret. Hope it goes away.

I don't want to talk.
01/10 Direct Link
Sometime yesterday, for some reason, "Lips of an Angel" came to mind. Out of nowhere.

I remember hearing it a lot a long time ago; it was very popular on the radio. I got an idea of what it was about, but mostly ignored the true meaning and just regarded it as a pretty song.

"Honey, why you calling me so late? It's kind of hard to talk right now... I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud... 'cause my girl is in the next room. Sometimes I wish she was you. And yes, I dreamt of you, too."
01/11 Direct Link
There was quite a bit of excitement in school today over the system that was supposed to be sweeping through our entire region. It's snowing outside now, but only a little. I do wonder if the storm can really live up to the huge expectations it was presented with. People were whispering vehemently about not only two-hour delays, but also of cancellations.

I haven't done any of my homework, so for my sake, I hope a cancellation really is in store for our school district, but right now... there are only flurries. Curses. Snow harder! Snow harder right now!
01/12 Direct Link
Last night was disappointing initially. The principal sent out her automated messages, telling us, "There is going to be a two-hour delay Wednesday - tomorrow. We will see how the conditions are." Which, honestly, didn't sound very promising.

I clung to that notion, however, and was awake until around 3AM.

Thankfully, school was canceled. At 5AM, her voice drifted down the hallway (and amazingly, I actually woke up to hear it), and I turned off my alarm clock in relief.

I've lied to a lot of people. I've lied to myself. A new leaf? Really? Because I see nothing different.
01/13 Direct Link
Today on the school-broadcast morning news slash announcements, Geoffrey declared in his infuriatingly cocky tone, "Wind chill today is going to make outside feel like a very warm and toasty negative one degrees."

...You have got to be kidding me.

Last week, it wasn't so cold. Maybe the weather outside was around the 20s, but I swear... I can't take NEGATIVE ONE DEGREES. We haven't even dipped into single-digit temperatures this entire winter! I am such a whiny baby; there is no way I can tolerate that...

Somehow, I feel like I'll be spending time in the lodge...
01/14 Direct Link
I ended up talking to him last night. I had intended to just ask for my stuff back and then presumed he would not want to talk to me... but the suffering I do for him never ends! I was awake until about three in the morning just chatting with him.

He is genuinely sorry, though his self-pity is a bit irritating, and the fact that he takes the role of UNIVERSAL PUNCHING BAG TO ANYONE INVOLVED WHO HARBORS NEGATIVE EMOTION was piteous in itself.

Though... I fear this feeling in my chest somewhat. Keep your guard up, please.
01/15 Direct Link
Last night I was awake until only 2AM, but I ended up sleeping the latest I ever have - until 4PM. I must say that it felt horrible. I feel so awake and have surely messed up my sleeping patterns beyond repair.

Last night I also caved in and wrote a diary. What I really wanted to do was complain about my situation and the frustration of being with him - and everyone, to be sure - second or worse place.

I don't feel like anyone in the world would put me first, and that's a sobering thought because it's my fault anyway.
01/16 Direct Link
He sent me a letter today. A huge, huge thing, where he apologized and called himself stupid and selfish and said all these horrible things about himself.

And somehow, I feel no better.

I don't really know what I want anymore.

Sometimes, at my lowest, I just wish he had loved me the way he should have. I wish I would have been the one he picked. I wish I could have been the only one.

I say I miss the concept of love more than I do him, but the truth is that I'll never be "over it."

01/17 Direct Link
It's almost a little heartbreaking. I admit that I not only miss what I used to have with him, but also him.

I keep wondering about what to do and hitting that familiar thought wall where I just stop looking for a solution. (You know.) But then a novel concept came to mind: just cut him off.

It seems easy enough, right? Like a logical solution, even, and why didn't I think of it before?

Well, because the idea hurts like hell. It hurts so, so much, but... I'm starting to think that may be the only possible way now.
01/18 Direct Link
At the very last hour of the day, I managed to catch Tyler online, and he told me something that depressed me to unreasonable degrees.

Him and Jennifer broke up.

And while I felt bad for him, I also felt bad for myself. Every day when souls break up, we're proving somebody right; somebody who didn't think we could make it was correct.

And we were wrong.

He left her to protect her because she couldn't take the stress of a long-distance. I'm sorry. I'm really, really... sorry. Because even if mine didn't make it, I wanted theirs to.
01/19 Direct Link
I know that since it happened, he has not only been online, but also been on my profile. I wonder what he thought of my picture, because I'm not even sure what I thought of it.

This morning, though, at 7AM, I woke up to a 2-hour delay. Before I went back to sleep, though, I checked recent visitors.

Sometime at 4AM my time, "Spiff."

For whatever reason, I was inclined to take it as a message, that he hadn't forgotten. Wouldn't.

Or maybe he is just the traveler on the shore, leaving footprints, but never returning there again.
01/20 Direct Link
We just got back from the Thoreau-inspired field trip to the environmental center. I'll be truthful - I wasn't looking forward to hiking around in the cold for four hours - but this was fun.

I realize further that I just miss being around people. I miss talking to them and I miss the uncongenial encounters, the awkward banter, and the laughing. Oh, I missed laughing, you know?

I feel like I notice things other people don't; just those things that anyone could see, but no one takes the time to. Like two hands intertwined. A smile, or vapor in air.
01/21 Direct Link
Mom made lasagna and a cute no-bake cheese cake that she dusted with blue sprinkles. She invited over Cathy and Ed, and we had a nice dinner.

Partway into it, however, we receive a phone call. A girl speaks fast, speaks frightened. Mom takes the phone and listens before telling us, "Rui Na got a compound fracture in her right arm. They're rushing her to the emergency room."

Hours later, she was transported to Lehigh Valley Hospital, standard procedure, so they could fix up her arm.

I am so worried, and I realize stubbornly that I love my sister.
01/22 Direct Link
Turns out that Rui Na didn't get her surgery until today at around noon. Mom called to update us as soon as she went into the OR, and she sounded exhausted. I can imagine that's true, since she just ran out the door yesterday at 6PM and hasn't really eaten or showered since then.

Rui Na has barely cried, she told me. She only cried twice: once when they tried to snap her bone back in place when she was awake, and then when they wouldn't let my mom in the OR.

And she only whined because she was thirsty.
01/23 Direct Link
Rui Na was discharged from the hospital today. She came home with the same dazed, leaden look that my mom carries around when she hasn't had her painkillers to control her neuralgia. Her hair was disheveled, and she was wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants. Her arm was caught in a navy blue sling, and she had no cast, but was bandaged up.

I can only imagine how much it hurt, as she would randomly start to cry softly to herself on t he couch, and I could only think of how much I wished she would have never gone.
01/24 Direct Link
Last night, Lio posted a survey. It was a very serious one--one that was really designed to make you think. The questions were very hardcore, I don't know if you'll remember when you next read this.

Anyway, a lot of his answers had to do with Basa. If he had three minutes left to live, he would "call Basa and tell him I love him." If he were scared and home alone, he would want Basa there.

What would you take back?
"I would take those seven months back."

It was... hurtful how quickly he has thrown me away.
01/25 Direct Link
Last night I ended up staying awake until about 2AM. I am tired now, to say the least. I woke up with a sore throat and a rough, stony voice (albeit exaggerated when I would force myself to cough.) I went into mom's room sounding pitiful enough, "Mom?"

Groggily, "Yes?"

"I have a sore throat." Cough pointedly. "Can I stay home?"

She sat up in bed and her voice hardened, "No!" I stood stunned as she continued. "We've already gone over this," we haven't, "and you can't miss anymore school."

Way to be a jerk, mom. Way to be insensitive.
01/26 Direct Link
I wonder what I'm waiting for.

For some reason, it always feels like I'm waiting, biding my time; just watching for... what? What am I look for? Hoping for? It feels like there's something, but I can never put my finger on it.

I don't think I'm waiting for love, because love has only given me a bad first impression. I've always been complacent with being single. Love feels nice, but I am far too afraid now. I was always cautious, but now my trust... I don't trust anybody.

Everybody is going to disappoint you.
Everyone will leave you someday.
01/27 Direct Link
It sounds exaggerated, but I am being completely honest and true when I say that getting on what I thought was Mr. H's bad side crushed my soul. It felt... I don't know, like I was letting down my own father.

But today he pulled me into the hall and the first thing he said was, "I feel like I'm ruining your life." ...What?

He informed me that my (illegal) podcast was excellent, and... that meant so much.

He then asked about Scrim, if I wanted it. "I really love you, but I feel like you're running away from yourself."

01/28 Direct Link
I'm going to be honest. It's very difficult for me to "feel" anymore. I went so long trying to suppress how I feel. "Lio is--stop. Lio--stop. Basa--stop. I wasn't g--stop."

All of it, stop.

It felt good. It felt better... to pretty much just ignore my problems and hope they went away. Denial is a double-edged blade, however. I feel like I'm being judged a little. By who? Maybe myself.

Maybe the people who apparently read my diaries. Somewhere I dreamed someone would read them, but now I wish they were mine and mine alone.
01/29 Direct Link
I left school early today, complaining about my knee. I had set it in my mind before I even left home, and you know how I get once I get something like that stuck in my head. It genuinely hurt a little, but I definitely exaggerated it...

I feel like as you get older, you're less entitled to have fun. When I was younger, if my knee hurt, I would just keep running around and falling in the grass and making it hurt more, maybe, but still running. Still laughing.

Times have changed. I guess maybe I want pity. Attention.
01/30 Direct Link
Very early this morning (from about 12 to 3AM), Rui Na started going through Mia's texts and she ended up finding some shocking things.

She is, for lack of a better word, a whore.
In those texts, she did everything, said everything, short of sexting or jumping in bed with a certain guy. And I can't help but be disgusted. Just... outright repulsed.

What state of mind justifies that kind of behavior? That kind of obscenity?

It was also made clear to me that Rui Na is a bitch; she defends her friends arrogantly when she thinks they deserve it.
01/31 Direct Link
Did I really just finish a batch? I can't believe it.

It's a nice thing, actually, looking at all the small grey boxes that I myself filled in every day for thirty-one days.

I am truly thankful for this website because it's a striking, powerful thing to look back on what I left here. When I find myself distant from the world around me, I can ground myself on the emotions I poured into the hundreds of words I wrote in months past.

I've always liked to keep, and it's... comforting... I have something that can't be thrown away.