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It amazes me how I've surrounded myself with controlling people. It used to be petty little things - nothing worth challenging. I would state my opinion only to be told theirs was better. It was easier to nod my head in agreement. When a major life upset occurred, I was sorry I handled these seemingly petty things that way. I was given advice & direction and was expected to agree. I did not. My life should be lived my way. This is not how they see it. I want control of my life. Maybe they should just focus on controlling their own.
"The Vikings suck - I hope they lose," said B. Not funny. Any true sports fan knows that friendly teasing is fun. But, in the end, you show support. "Real nice," I say, "I supported the Bears when they went to the superbowl." "You didn't know me." "I knew you in 2007. You wear the t-shirt." "YOU'RE Wrong. The last time was the 90's." "Wanna bet?" I searched the web, printed the article. Showed her. "Fine. Whatever." She refused to talk to me the rest of the day. Bears fan? Not a good one. Haven't seen the t-shirt since.
I look at a ceiling, which water damage once caved. I look at walls that once had holes peppered throughout the house. I look at a garage door that replaced an old wood one. I look at tile that once had scurrying ants. Ants in December? EEEEEWWWW! I look at the Valentine's day ornament decorating the once bare door. I look at granny's furniture personalize a once cold room. I look at a happy-go-lucky dog relaxing by the window. I look at my daughter's toys spread all over. Yet, I feel sad - still seeing the family forced out.
My good friend D wrote, "I always feel I need to prove that I'm OK. Always." Although this phrase refers to different situations, its power is amazing. I applied her words to my life. Thoughts of my divorce were immediately sparked. It was incomprehensible that I was ok. Someone in my shoes must be miserable and struggling. I'd have well meaning friends try to convince me that underneath it all, I was actually sad. Or, that I should be angry. Their words always dripping with pity. I've worked very hard to prove myself. Now, can I prove it to myself?
"Except for you," my friend said. She is a friend, a co-worker and a fellow Viking fan. We had watched games together, watched Favre throw an interception, costing the Vikings a superbowl appearance. Sniff. Recently, it seems that I have been offending many friends by standing up for myself and defending my opinions. I am astounded that I have surrounded myself with such controlling people. I voiced this to my friend, stating the frustration of having to work with them. She said for that very reason she never becomes friends with co-workers. Then she said, "Except for you."
Mema? What is Mema? A beautiful word. A powerful word. A word that has more meaning than one could imagine. If I had the guts, I would have Mema tattooed on my arm. Of course, I'm too big of a chicken for that. Not many people have heard this word. Not many people know its meaning. When I hear this word, I get goose bumps. I am overwhelmed by an amazing feeling of joy. For some, this word is nothing. For me, it is everything. To my beautiful one year old daughter, Sydney, I am not "mama. I am "Mema."
We met in Mr. N's ecology class. We were lab partners. We had fun. We joked around. Even Mr. N enjoyed our playing. She was smart. I had to work hard to keep up with her. I wanted to be like her. But, then we graduated and went in opposite directions. We drifted apart and were matured by different experiences. I admire her but, no longer wish to be like her. We continue to talk. But, our experiences continue to differ. We often disagree and rub each other the wrong way. How can we become those laughable, carefree friends again?
My brain thinks that I should get more sleep. But, my brain teases me. When I actually listen, my brain keeps me awake. My brain thinks that I should eat healthier. But, then it forces my eyes to stare at the junk in my cabinets. My brain thinks that it would be in my best interest to read more. But when I start to read, it distracts me and denies me that escape. My brain thinks way too much! I say "Brain, how would you like it if I did that to you?" Respect brain - gotta start showing me respect!
I think the wart thing needs to be upgraded. In a past 100words, I wrote about warting my ex's face. Nothing terminal - just ego wounding and embarrasing. I discovered that he is married with a baby on the way. We have been divorced 6 months - married 10 years. Hhhhmmm. What's a step-up from warts? Boils? I'm not even sure what a boil is. How about warts, cold-sores and boils? How about lice? Yeah, let's give him headlice. Can lice survive on a bald head? No, he's not bald but, why not make all his hair fall out too?
Beautiful. Adventurous. Remarkable. Unbelievable. Intelligent. Tiring. Comical. Smart. Lovable. Loving. Exhausting. Amusing. Experimental. Sassy. Gentle. Courteous. Chatty. Giggly. Picky. Considerate. Shy. Eager. Playful. Fast. Fun. Clever. Able. Daring. Chuckle. Courageous. Jokey. Mischievous. Wearing. Lively. Sweet. Endearing. Delightful. Curious. Humorous. Friendly. Tender. Attitude. Enthusiastic. Exciting. Adorable. Feisty. Hugger. Wonderful. Exquisite. Superb. Magnificent. Brave. Draining. Incredible. Astonishing. Charming. Bashful. Silly. Outgoing. Dazzling. Enthralling. Lovely. Enjoyable. Exuberant. Cheerful. Energetic. Discoverer. Fatiguing. Gifted. Snickers. Determined. Giggler. Stubborn. Bright. Challenging. Tester. Willful. Flexible. Inflexible. Stylish. Messy. Pleasant. Blissful. Carefree. Happy. Active. Lively. Tough. Cuddly. Gracious. Fascinating. Overwhelming. Awesome. Tremendous. Laugh. Spunky. Inspiring. Mischievious. Love. Daughter.
"Dog" was my daughter's first sign. It's no surprise. Today, a friend took my dog for a walk. I stayed back with my daughter. The minute they returned, my dog darted into the nursery and peeked through the bars of the crib. Satisfied that her sister was okay, she came into the kitchen for her usual "come-back-in" treat. When my daughter cries, my dog will plow me down to kiss her face. My dog joined our family 10 years ago. My daughter, one year ago. My dog welcomed her with open paws. A true older sister. A blessing.
About 3 years ago, my cousin-in-law divorced. He fell in love with someone else, wanted a divorce and married the other woman. She has always been a happy-go-lucky person. Someone you just liked to be around. I remember trying to imagine her devastation. How could someone do that (wasn't gonna happen to me)? The first time I saw her, she was still happy-go-lucky. I didn't know what to say. What would she want to hear? I stand in her shoes now. I still can't tell you what to say - what I want to hear.
After her divorce, I saw cousin D for the first time at my babyshower. Her magnetic personality was wonderful to see. She never used the word "ex. Instead he was her "son's father". I like that. I have decided to follow her lead. My daughter's father will no longer be called my ex. D and a friend D have been role-models for me. They are people I admire. Since my divorce, I don't talk to cousin D anymore. I speak with friend D daily. I will never be able to express how much she truly has done for me.
Take time to stop and smell the roses. It's February. We're in Chicago. Where are the roses? Look on the bright side. It's february. We're in Chicago. Where can you possibly find bright? The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. It's february. We're in Chicago. Shouldn't it say, the snow is always whiter in the yard without a dog. A penny for your thoughts. It's February. We're in Chicago. The taxes on that penny will be outrageous. Plus, I need that penny + tax to pay my gas bill. Here today and gone tomorrow. Thank goodness!
When it rains it pours. My sister just received a positive diagnosis of mild melanoma. It is being played off as no great concern. It is easy to treat and is often successful. But, the word melanoma is terrifying! She is acting as though she has no worries. But, I know inside she's a mess - our family is a mess. Yesterday, her son fell during a basketball game. This morning he awoke unable to move his arm. They spent the entire day in the emergency room and discovered a sprain not a break. Nothing to worry about. Or is there?
I have yet to decide on my 2010 new year's resolutions. Here are some ideas - some of which are realistic. While most are just flat out dreams.
1. Don't worry - just a dream. How do you not worry?
2. Read/play/activities with my daughter - very realistic.
3. Keep those messy aliens at bay - just a dream. Definitely just a dream!
4. Be smarter with money - a realistic dream?
5. Participate in NaNo - define participate? Try - realistic - complete - probably a dream.
6. Eat more ice cream - realistic - my daughter & dog will like that one.
My sister and I repeatedly received grandma's advice. It is wise advice. Advice everyone could benefit from. I have absolutely no idea how to follow this advice. She always says “don’t get old.” How do you not get old? I understand the idea of staying young at heart. Seems do-able. She experiences severe physical ailments and refers to the physical side of anti-aging. What's the secret? Exercise? That’s do-able. Anti-aging cream? Is it that easy? I doubt it. Eating right? Sorry gram, I don't have the treasure map leading to the fountain of youth.
"Milk," my daughter signed. She looked so puzzled. We had gone swimming. She didn't like the kiddie pool, but it mesmerized her. Her blue eyes were glued to the fountains that were spewing up water. The force of the water caused a bubbly-white appearance. My daughter watched it. Her puzzled eyes finally stared into mine. She glanced at her hand signing “milk,” and then back to the water. Is it a stretch to think that she concluded that because it was white liquid, it must be milk? I don't think it’s a stretch. A child's logic is amazing.
I strongly believe in God. He is always with me - helping through good and bad times. We have a relationship - we always communicate. When this relationship began, I was experiencing a problem. I can't remember the problem. I discussed it with a friend. I told her that I didn't quite know which way to go. She said "pray." I said that I had but, I was still lost. Which way should I go? She said that God was telling me - I wasn't listening. She was 100% right. This statement was inspiring. I immediately began listening. It is amazing and awesome!
My sister's "mild melanoma" diagnosis worries me. I imagine that she is stressed out on the inside. On the outside, she is stoic. Acting as though it is no big deal. Saying things like, "What can you do?" or "It is what it is." We ask if she needs anything but, she says no. It's skin cancer - which has a "treatment that is commonly successful" And "mild" suggests no problem at all - nothing to worry about. We should pray and ask God to keep us on the right path. I'm afraid of what the right path is. I still worry.
The phrase, "What goes around comes around," has been popping up quite frequently. I hear it from friends. I hear it in songs. I see it on jewelry and t-shirts. Has it always been around and I just never noticed it? Or, is this something new that has been popping up because I want and need it to? Is it true? Am I mean because I want it to be? I don't know which direction my life will take - but, his life has taken a clear direction. Why is this my focus? Shouldn't my concern be my own life?
I have been teaching my 14 month daughter american sign language - a language that I am fluent in. Or, like to think I am. This morning, she woke up at 4:30 telling me that she wanted milk and Elmo. Ugh - it was 4:30. But, she was so happy and seemed so proud of herself. I was proud of her too! We cuddled up in bed, with milk & an Elmo dvd. She was delighted! She kept looking at me and laughing - saying, "wow." An incredible bonding moment! I am amazed. As a friend says, "a child makes everyday Christmas."
What I need to do - e-mail A about Saturday - decline invite to S's party (I HATE buying-parties/Candles,food,jewelry - I need a part time job to keep up). FB T & M about get together/get my schedule together so I know when to plan get together. Go to park district. Figure out S's schedule - chose classes. Get S's glasses fixed (she had them a few hours - already broken the arm off - ugh!). Call eye doctor. Take S to first swim lesson. Send out thank you notes (should have done that a long time ago!!!). Eat junk food. :)
People tell me that I keep my house too cold. There's this thing called a sweater. You put it over your clothes and it keeps you warm. For some odd reason, I prefer this to a high gas bill. I've had 3 people complain about my tv. Being the only person on the face of the earth to own a tv, I can appreciate their logic. Considering all the channels that my converter box receives, I can see how disturbing this is. I clearly have been entertaining the wrong people. People can complain - as long as they finance the upgrades.
When all this happened, his family completely supported me - I was elated that they wanted to be a part of my life! As things change between him and I they also change with them. Not fair. Every word and action is questioned. When I don't hear from someone, I assume they no longer wish to be in contact. If they don't respond right away, I question it. I question their responses - disecting each and every phrase. We have an unwritten agreement not to discuss anything that has happened between him and me. I can't help but wonder what they think.
I appreciate and stand by our unwritten decision to not discuss the situation. I think it would be horrible to drag them into our drama. That would not be fair. It would be cruel. I just can't help wondering what he has told them. What do they think of me? Is he transparent? Do they know what really happened? Do they think I cheated on him? Do they really want to be part of my life? Do they feel uncomfortable around me? How has he portrayed me? Do they believe it? When will these worries end? Never will I know.
"Emerge stronger.” This was on one of those cta bus – mini bill-board things. You might already have figured out that I am a great believer in signs. I think this sign speaks for itself. Get through challenges and become a better person - easy enough to figure out. Very motivating to take problems head-on. But, sometimes just emerging would be enough. Stronger could just be a bonus. I was so busy obsessing about the connection of this phrase to my own life. I forgot to look at what this phrase advertised. An ad for a college? Health club? Viagra?
She comes into my house and tells me that I need a new tv. Then she says that I need to get an entertainment center. She comes into my house and comments on the empty den. She reassures me that it can be fixed. What she means is I'll be buying something, picked by her, just to get her off my back. Why can't I like it the way it is? It's my house - that my hard-earned money pays for. I shouldn’t let people treat me like that. Any ideas on how to stand up to your mother?
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