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I was supposed to start my MWF running today. Instead, I went to a chinese buffet [bufay!] with some guys from class. One of them picked up the check for everyone which was awesome since I'm freaking broke. I love when people do really nice unexpected things like that. It makes me wanna be nice for the rest of the day. Probably the reason I didn't act as cranky as I felt when I went to work for my call in. Maybe I should apply at Barnes & Noble. I'd rather shelve and sell books than ugly overpriced clothing for douchebags.
English today consisted of an hour and fifteen minutes of 'learning to research in a library'. F M L. I did this so many times in high school. I don't need to do it again in college. Nothing has changed. An index is still an index. The Dewey decimal system is never gonna change. If you don't know how to use this shit, go ask someone. Teachers need to stop force feeding information 98% of the class already knows just because of the 2% that have never used a computer. You should still know how to use a book. Morons.
Four friends of mine have a birthday today. 20, 21, 22 & 22 [twins]. Ridiculousness.
Went out to Amherst for my friend's 21st. Watched two friends of our's feed about thirty dollars into the lobster crane game...they almost got one. Except the claw has no tension. Regardless, all eight or nine of us crammed around this little machine yelling about refraction and angles and calculus was absolutely hilarious. Bought my friend a Flaming Dr. Pepper to celebrate his birthday. Actually, had another friend of ours pick something and pay for it since I'm too young to buy alcohol..
All of these crazy ass dreams need to stop. And now I'm trying to remember where I got the dream catcher above my bed.
My boyfriend's grandma is in the hospital and not doing very well. Its his last grandparent and it has me feeling really guilty about not going over to see my Yia Yia enough. Its just hard for me to see her getting sicker and weaker and cry every time I'm there. But I should go anyway. I know that.
Chels nailed her headliner spot at Jim's. Her and the guys always do.
I love remembering how much I love bands I completely forgot about. I've been in a really screamo mood lately. I usually know what puts me into certain music moods but right now, I just keep feeling different music on different days for no reason.
I wish we were going to PA this weekend but other stuff came up. Its probably for the better since I'm pretty much broke and that isn't gonna change until I get a new job or figure something out. It kinda sucks. Abercrombie was giving me such good hours for a while. Blah.
I hate when I'm trying to go somewhere and a million things come up so I'm late. I don't like running stupid meaningless errands for people when they could just do it themselves.
I had to take my ring to get sized and get the groove in the band smoothed out. My right ring finger is right between a 5.5 and a 6. They don't have a 5.75 sizer but that's what I decided to order. I'm terrified its gonna come back and its not gonna fit and I'm gonna get upset and cry. We'll see.
I wish I knew why everybody else's lives were pissing me off so much right now. I'm starting to think you shouldn't be with him. You shouldn't be getting married. You shouldn't be having a kid. I don't think its even yours honestly. You could do better than any of the people I've seen you date. You're getting yourself into unnecessary drama. And you need to stay on your side of the line. I keep hoping everything will work out for everybody but sometimes you just know it won't. But how do you explain that to them nicely? You don't.
I love watching my best friend cook. I'm so jealous but seeing how much she loves it makes me want to go do something that I can feel that passion for. I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life. Its terrible knowing that as of right now, I'm not going anywhere. I have a shitty part time job that gives me no hours. I'm at a shitty community college that is only helping me be in college rather than be lazy and do nothing. I wanna move out but I have no money/reason right now.
I was cleaning out my computer today and found alot of stuff I wish I wouldn't have. Conversations that never had to happen. Pictures I wish I would've just deleted every other time I thought about it but just didn't have the strength to. I kept them because I didn't want to just forget how good things were before they went wrong. It sucks that people have to change and things can't just go how you want them. But sometimes you don't know that they could be so much better. That's why we don't get to choose how life goes.
Classes and call in's I don't have to go in for. I feel like that's all my weekday life consists of right now. I've been getting no hours. Which means no money. Which means no doing things I wanna do. Which means I'm home all the time. Which means I'm being driven crazy by my parents. Which means I want to get out of the house even more. But I can't. Its slightly irritating and I can't wait for spring break to look for a new job. I'll do anything right now, apart from prostitution or stripping. There's a line.
My boyfriend's grandma passed away today. Now I know the helplessness he felt when my grandpa died three days after we started dating. I didn't know what to say or what to do. I just decided to not take up an offer to go out so I could stay home and talk to him. I know I should go to see my grandma more but she gets upset and cries and its hard to see her that weak anymore. I'm in denial about the fact that she won't be here much longer and I've wasted all my time with her.
The weather was so gorgeous today. 68 and sunny all afternoon. Me and some guys from my class grabbed lunch and a knockoff nerf football and threw it around the soccer fields at the college for a while. It was so nice to just be outside and actually doing something instead of just sitting.
I walked away. Angry and upset. The only time I have ever felt with him what I felt with the others. Then he did something they never did. He chased me. He held me and apologized and didn't let go until I smiled again.
Continuation from yesterday:
I asked him why. I told him that every other guy I'd walked away from, even with tears in my eyes, had let me. They just let me go. I wanted to know why he chased me when none of them ever had. He told me he wasn't just going to let me walk away upset. He didn't want me to leave like that and know he had a chance to fix it but didn't. That was enough. Before he even apologized, as soon as I heard him yell my name, I had forgiven him.
Today, instead of cleaning or doing homework or anything else, I made a cake. Two layers of chocolate chip-chocolate cake with a layer of chocolate chip-cream cheese in between, covered in cream cheese frosting. If I had more patience and skill in frosting and hadn't gotten any crumblies in it, it would've been perfect. But those crumblies don't make the cake taste any less amazing and I am so proud of myself. Its pretty and delicious and my boyfriend almost jumped through the phone when I kept talking about how amazing it was. He'll get his....well, maybe.
Spring 'break' my ass. I have to write a Logos, Ethos, Pathos paper, do thirty notecards from eight to ten sources for my research paper, and if I don't do my Film App paper this week, I probably won't do it until the day before. I also lost my license so I have to find that or go replace it with money I don't have. My room is a wreck. My computer is getting wiped out tomorrow. And I promised I'd help with the set for my high school's play. Oh, and I want to look for a new job.
I got my licensed replaced. Boyfriend came over and fixed my computer. We found ALL of my pictures somehow. Went to Bdubs with him and friends. And he's gonna be sleeping on the couch tonight so I can spend part of tomorrow with him before I know if i have to work. Which I probably will just to inconvenience me. Even if he couldn't have fixed my computer today, it was just nice having him here. He makes me forget everything is going wrong.
Its nice having a totally clean hard. But kinda weird cause nothing is here.
So instead of working and writing a paper today, I spent all morning cuddling with my amazing boyfriend. Food. Then more cuddling. And a little nap. I didn't do shit once I got home either. The past two days just exhausted me and killed all of my motivation to move or do anything. But the weather was gorgeous. I hope its this nice all week.
Happy St. Patrick's Day also. I didn't do one damn thing to celebrate this year and it makes me sad. Holidays just don't excite me like they used to unless I'm with people.
Musical rehearsal at my old high school and seeing a friend I haven't seen since she left for college made today one of the best days of break so far. Drama practice was ...interesting. I forgot how hectic hell week could be. The girl who picked up my job, because the original student director I left in charge had to be in the show, told me she hated it. It takes alot to watch over everybody and she was dealing with even more than I had to. I'm hoping I can help relieve some of everybody's stress before opening night.
I hate that I procrastinate so much. It makes school way more stressful than it would be if I just did things when I got them and had them done way before they were due. I hate this logic paper though. She gives the worst and most confusing handouts I've ever seen. She doesn't explain anything. So every time we have an assignment, we're all just looking at each other like 'what.the.fuck'. But no one ever speaks up because she's crazy and never answers the original question, just babbles about some story that none of us wanna hear.
I don't know what I think anymore. I miss you. I'm mad at you. I want to talk to you. I want you to leave me alone. I want to see you. I want you to stay away. I want to tell you how much I disagree with what you're doing. I want to stay uninvolved, let you sink or swim on your own. I want things to be simple again. You make everything complicated. I hope you know what you're doing. The one thing cemented in my mind though...
I don't need you to need me anymore.
Yeah. I don't personally have anything against you other than you're a naive little girl. Just like I was for so long. Maybe that's why I get so aggravated when you're around. Because when someone tells you you're boyfriend is a woman beater and you say he hasn't beat you yet...something is wrong. I don't understand that response. Maybe because I'm the one he hit and I'm never going to be able to forget that. But don't try to add my boyfriend. I don't care if you don't know who I am or who he is, just drop it.
You'd think thirteen months would be completely unlucky. But everything is just as amazing as it has been. And I got to see a mass ton of my favorite people today. I think I get pulled back to EC, especially the drama dept, because the minute I walk in the door, I get attacked by eight people who are so happy to see me and show it. Who wouldn't love that feeling? The play is rough right now but they'll pull it together. That's what always happens. We all thought we'd bomb opening night but it always ended up amazing.
That was the first shift I've had in three weeks. And it was only four hours. And we just got a huge shipment so the only reason I was there was to fold huge piles of shit and help get everything into some sort of order. At least I wasn't up front. I hate being up front. I wonder how long I can go without going to check if I work before I get a call saying I had a shift. I need a new job. I think I'm gonna give A&F my two weeks very soon. F*@& them.
I hate when people blatantly disrespect me right to my face. Especially when I'm just trying to talk to them and explain a situation and they just walk away like an asshole. And even more so when they don't think they did anything wrong so they don't think I'm mad at them. Then act like my new best friend the next time I see them. Its stupid and I should just let it go but its eating at me. But there's no point in yelling cause it wouldn't help the situation at all and tensions are already running high there.
The cast did so good last night and I'm so incredibly proud of them =]. I love doing makeup for the plays. I wish I could translate that into a lucrative career. Maybe I can. Maybe I could make a career out of getting pranked cause I'm apparently wonderful at that. I tried to cupcake the prankster to even us out for me getting caked last year. But he ran. Then I was talking and holding the cupcake and he ran up behind me and hit me in the face with my own hand/cupcake. I got him with marshmallow fluff =].
I love zumba! Its gonna be a blast. I love that my boyfriend comes and supports my friends with me even though he didn't even go to my high school. And that everyone adores him and loves when he comes around with me. That makes me happier than anything after spending years apologizing for my ex. Who ended up going to the cast/friends party after the show. I'm kinda glad Jimmy wasn't feeling good and we just went home. I can't believe how angry /protective my one friend got over me just because of everything that's happened between us.
PLAY 2 WIN UNO all day today was so fun. I met a few of my boyfriend's friends that I've talked to online or just heard about here and there. They're all great and I don't think there has been a friend of his yet that I don't get along with. He ended up in first place and won $90. Not bad =]. One of the songs they played is a song that I've heard at work but a different mix. I laughed cause my manager is always ragging on me that my boyfriend plays ddr. Denny's adventures...oh my god.
All I did today was cuddle with my boyfriend. All day. We didn't move. His mom made breakfast burritos and sausage. Then we just laid back down and watched tv and dozed off a bit then woke up and ate a bit more and watched some more tv and slept a little more. We're so lazy the next day after I sleep over. And I love it. I know that's how Sundays at our house will be. I can't wait for that. I love being with him for days in row. He just makes me happier than I've ever been.
I just sat and quoted a million parts of Titanic on my status on Facebook. I love that movie. I still remember my sister buying it for me the year it came out. I wanna say I was around seven. So I definitely wasn't quite old enough to be watching the sex scenes and Cal slapping rose across the face was probably a bit too grown up of a situation for me to understand. You think maybe I would've subconsciously held onto that image and remembered it when I got hit but I didn't. I'm comfortable talking about that now.
All I did in class today was takes quizzes on books I didn't read. I've been acing all of my Film Appreciation quizzes because he gives so much extra credit. I've yet to actually read that book. I love it. But I do actually want to read the book we're doing in English. I just don't have any time. But I'm pretty sure our final is going to cover that book so I guess I should probably make some time. She makes me crazy though. I can't stand her. Which sucks cause I'm pretty sure she adores me. Oh well.
"On the Waterfront" is an incredible movie. Typically old black and white 1950's movies bore me to death but something about this one just clicked. The story was real. The actors were so passionate. Marlin Brando is a god. So much of his acting comes out through his eyes, I love it. I hope I did good on my review for film appreciation because I really liked the movie and that class, apart from the million stupid quizzes and terrible documentary films he shows, is pretty awesome. I love getting into discussions in that class. It makes Tuesday/Thursday tolerable.
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