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So guys, today I am feeling lonely. Yes, me, lonely, its something totally new I know. (<-sarcasm if you didn't get that) so yes Iím lonely, as always. But itís not the oh-I-want-a-boyfriend lonely itís more like wow-I-have-no-friends lonely. And frankly it sucks. Youíre probably thinking that I do have friends, NOBODY has no friends at all, and you would be right. But Iím talking about a good friend, someone to hang out w/ and not just that but I want to be someoneís best friend, Iím not. I have zero "Best" friends. Happy April foolís for those that have friends.
I went to a track meet. It was extremely boring. I threw discus (which is all I ever do), and threw 3 feet farther than last time. I didn't throw far enough the first two tries, but finally on the third I threw to ninth place. But in high school ninth place doesn't get anything, except the satisfaction of doing better than last time. If, no, WHEN I get my spin down I should be able to win JV. I estimated that I threw about 80 feet with the spin, but it was outside the lines. I threw 68' 1".
I feel like telling you guys a funny story. In 8th grade I went to Six Flags with my school. I went to ride a roller coaster with my friends but we had an odd number so I had to ride with some kid from a different school. His name was Manny; he was a short Mexican with longish hair. He was very talkative, I am not. He screamed all the way through the ride and I didnít. The ride was quite hilarious; I will leave the conversation to you and your imagination. Did I mention that he was loud?
Ah. I am not good at this. I keep forgetting to write. I read all day today after I helped with the Junior High District Track Meet. I got sun burnt really badly. My nose is really red. Not to mention that it was the most boring thing ever to sit and wait for the hurdle events so that we can put the hurdles out and take them back. From 8:30 to 2:30 outside in the sun, then home and from 3:30 to 11 reading and texting people. It was quite a day. I am glad it is over though.
Today is Sunday. I am glad it is Sunday. Sunday is my favorite day because I get to go to church. At church people accept me and I always have a good time. I'm glad I switched churches, because my other church did not accept me.
I am bored. I want to do something with people. I'm tired of sitting at home every day and being on the computer, watching TV, and texting people. I want to hang out with people. I donít want the weekend to be over. I am ready for summer break, Iím ready to drive.
One hundred words is not enough
For me to pour my feelings out.
Iím forced to hold them in,
And just let the hundred out.
There's still about 5 times as much
For me to tell the world.
The so small world that reads such
Careless, stupid, teenage thoughts.
I'm thankful that I get 100 words to get out what I can, or else I forget about it and hold on to it all. Yes, I am aware that this poetry sucks, I do my best at night when Iím about to go to sleep, and I write on paper.
I'm bored as always, ugh I hate being bored. I wish I had someone to keep me from being bored. I should do my homework I guess. TV has nothing for me any more. All I want to do is talk to friends and hang out. Being a freshman who can't drive doesn't help at all. I will be very happy when I can drive and do what I want. I'll probably do my homework at someone elseís house because I hate being home. My dad is here, and he bothers me. Well, something about him bothers me, it stinks.
Iím going to say random facts about me.
i love potato chips. like LOVE them. Hot Cheetos. Sour Cream and Onion. I like: Guitars. My Chemical Romance. Three days grace. The Used. Boys that have pretty hair and light colored eyes. Some, SOME, tattoos and piercings are cute. First Baptist Church. Friends like Randi. Rylee. Lauren. Bridget. Basketball. Swimming. Skinny Jeans. Vans.Converse. Classic Books. Vampire Books (NOT Twilight). some Sci-Fi and Fantasy Books. Lots of Fiction Books. Action Movies. Matrix. Funny Movies. Math, Spanish. Writing Poems. Hanging out with people. Texting when I canít chill. Water, for swimming and drinking.
Last Saturday I went to a track meet to be a part of the hurdle crew. I told y'all that. But I don't know if I mentioned that I got sun burnt. REALLY sun burnt! My nose got fried. It started peeling the other day and now itís blistery and hard. It is, quite frankly, extremely disgusting. Unfortunately, I was bored in first period and started picking at it. It bled. Now it is raw. My ear is also starting to peel, but since Iím strange, it is only my right ear. Lucky me! Next time, I WILL use sunscreen.
The loneliness inside,
Itís slowly creeping through.
Seeping from my pores,
My life, it pursues.
Like my heart is filled with ice,
The cold flows through my veins.
Each day the numbness spreads
And masks all of the pain.
The pain of being empty,
Inside my so cold corpse,
Fades and turns to anguish
Aware of life's remorse.
Iím lonely. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm scared of getting hurt not just by guys but by friends. I close myself off, I need people. I need affection. I donít want it from my family. I want honest love from others.
Alright guys. I'm in Austin, Texas to see my brother. He goes to UT, and since itís Easter we figured we'd visit. So Iím sitting here in a hotel my mom is sleeping, the History channel on, my dad is on his laptop and here I am on mine. My stomach hurts kind of. I had a track meet earlier, then we came here. It hurts dully, I don't like it. I hate being sick so I always get scared when my stomach hurts. I'm hoping I will go to sleep and wake up and everything will be all better.
Wow. I can't believe that it's the 12th already. Today I was in Austin. We went shopping for my brother. He is a college kid without room and board. He needed a LOT of stuff. Then we went to eat at Texas land and Cattle, or something like that. We took him back to his apartment and then we were off. Back to Hachie-town. That was my exciting Easter, mostly filled with my wonderful brother that I miss and food. Great, huh? Tomorrow I actually have stuff to do, YAY! Itís been a while since Iíve had something to do.
I actually had a pretty good day. I woke up and did my homework, which wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. Then I thought I was going to play volleyball with my church but they canceled it so I hung out with my friend, Randi, instead. We walked around Target and Claire's then came home and I got ready for track. We had track pictures. I hope mine comes out good but I didn't really think it would. I got lots of compliments on my hair though, I wore it down. I never do that.
So Iím pretty pumped, tomorrow I donít have to go to third or fourth period. I have a track meet. I am not, however, exited about waking up thirty minutes earlier to do nothing. Thatís right, nothing! My STUPID biology teacher is making me go to tutoring early for no reason. Itís whatever. Today was pretty great. I went to Randiís NHS induction ceremony then went to eat with her and her parents. I had a lot more fun than I have had on a week night in a LONG time. I am pretty darned happy. Thanks for reading, loves.
I went to the district track meet today. I didn't do anything but sit around and hang out with my friend. It was pretty boring. I got out of school at eleven. I had to watch the shot put for junior varsity girls next. Then I went to do some homework and when I went to the concession stand the guy that got my order "couldn't keep his eyes off me" (so says my friend). That provided some excitement. He had a cute smile. Then Randi and I threw her athletic tape to each other. That's about all that happened.
District track meet again today. I actually did something today. I threw discus. I threw about 5 inches farther than I threw last time. It really pissed me off. My friend and I checked to look at where our marks were and mine was clearly farther than hers, but when they measured it, hers was 6 inches farther than mine. Then all my friends left and I was all alone trying to finish homework. Only one good thing came of this day. I learned that cute-smiled concession guy's name was Timmy. So long Timmy. Iíll probably never see you again.
After two days of half school and being outside till 9 o'clock at night, today has been pretty darn boring. Every time I get away from school I realize how much I don't like it. It is extremely boring. Not that I already know the stuff they are teaching me but it is easy and they keep teaching the same way. I am really glad that we only have six more weeks to go. The weekends are so much more fun. I'm glad I have someone that I can hang out with now. A new best friend. Thanks Randi.
I want someone to love. That feeling you feel when you see them smile and you feel like your heart will explode, I haven't had it in too long. That feeling where you feel like you want to be so close to someone, for them to hold you, and your skin crawls without their touch, it's been so long. That feeling you get when you are talking and you look into their eyes and you don't care how stupid you look while you laugh your head off, because everything is perfect, because he loves you. It's been way too long.
So I went dress shopping again today. I got a red dress that looks kind of like a toga. Itís pretty on me, I guess. I still need silver shoes. I got a bracelet, its got 'diamond' things and its silver. Then I went to church. It was fun. Randi and I played frisbee afterwards, which was pretty great. I got a bruise on my finger. Then I did my homework over the Holocaust. It was horrible. The pictures were disturbing, disgusting, and any other gruesome word you can think of. I canít understand how someone could be so demented.
Today was normal. I may just spew random words on this 100. I donít know if I can write enough. I hate school. Its boring. Open gym in starting again. Joy. I have to do math homework. I am so freaking bored. When Iím bored I eat. I donít need to eat. Fifty-two, fifty-four, fifty-five, fifty-six, fifty-seven, fifty-eight, fifty-nine. Maybe I should listen to music. Like My Chemical Romance, its my happy music. I need more music though. Iím getting tired of what I normally like. I need more different bands and stuff. I like my Pandora. You should too.
I have to write my one hundred words for the day. I'm pretty tired. Going to bed at nine thirty. I did all my homework so that I can go to the Fellowship of Christian Athletes meeting tomorrow. There are supposed to be a bunch of games and stuff so it should be fun. I'm pretty excited. Well I think my mom burnt her popcorn. It smells. She just let the dogs in the house. I love my dogs. I feel bad because I never play with them. My friend and I are having a smiley face war. Iíll win!
As I sit here enjoying a small bowl of mashed potatoes I go over the day I had. Fresh in my memory is the FCA 'meeting'. My first thought is that I hate playing team games like we did. The boys always take over, and me being overly self-conscious anyways, I donít like to play. Then, the speaker talked about change. I want to change. I'm tired of being who I am, as of this moment. I am one of the most boring people in the world (or at least that is how I feel). I am ready to live.
Well, Iím not 'more alive' than I was yesterday. I wish I were. I bet I was even less alive today; Iím so tired and sluggish. It's hard to be lively when you are so warm and fuzzy inside that you don't really want to move anywhere, to do anything. My day felt like slow motion, I was ready to go home after first period. Although I am totally awake, my body feels like its moving through water. Pushing, always pushing towards my responsibilities and duties as a student. Pushing towards success, pushing towards something better. Jesus, help me push.
Today was not my day! School was boring, as usual, but basketball was actually fun. We played a whole game. The team that I was on won, but not without some damage. I got hit in my nose. It didnít bleed though, because it was on the bone part and not the cartilage. Then my leg got tangled up with someone elseís and got hit pretty hard. It'll leave a bruise for sure. Then I watched part of Rylee's soccer game and went to hang out with some other people afterwards. (I wrote this with one hand, it was challenging.)
Today was fun. I went to a shooting clinic from nine in the morning to three in the afternoon. That was tiring, but I think my shot will be a lot more consistent now. Then I went and played ultimate Frisbee with lots of awesome people, well okay they weren't all awesome. After that ended suddenly (with a fight) Randi and I went and got snow cones, and Trey and Bailey came too. We stayed there for about 2 hours, probably less. I was active all day today, but I liked it. It was something different, in a good way.
I got my shoes for the academy awards on Friday. That was fun, not really, quite boring. I went to church before that, to do puppets. That was okay. I just got home from Frisbee with the church. That was pretty fun, until Frisbee turned into soccer. I don't like soccer. I don't think anything that happened today could compare to yesterday. Yesterday was so happy for me. Just hanging with people who are nice makes a big difference. I've also realized that I am lonelier than I should be. That should change soon though. This weekend was pretty great.
Thinking about someone I shouldn't be, I finish this day. A boring, boring, extremely boring day, started with boring and ends slightly less boring. I'm not sure if I can write too much more that pertains to what I am thinking. I don't want my heart spilled out and open. Not tonight, no thanks. I know I don't know but one person who writes here, but I honestly don't want to let my heart flow to anyone tonight. For this reason, I will fill the rest of the hundred with supposedly meaningless words. Dork. Food. Stop. Boston. Hallelujah. Throb. Pain.
Staring at my phone which is sitting on my stomach, I long to see that name come up. But alas, that name refrains from appearing on the bright screen of hope. Sadly I stare and will the name, and will the name into existence. The light appears and what name? It is none but his. The smiley face in the message alone makes me smile. Smiley faces are normal, but from this name it feels so special. It's wrong for someone to have so much control over someoneís emotions when they barely know each other. So wrong, is it not?
Aw darn. I forgot to write yesterday, or today, if you get what I mean. So now I have a 'code name' for him. He now has the name BOB, in all caps. That way Randi doesn't know who he is. In reality, she knows who he is, but I don't want her to know that that is who I am talking about. It gets pretty funny when I tell her stuff and she is like, "Aw, that is cute!" or something along those lines. She doesn't know that it is him! It makes me feel a little bit evil.
Today is the last day of April. Oh my gosh! TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF APRIL!!! We had TAKS testing. It was very boring. We had basketball practice too, even though we haven't had it for the last two days. It really wasn't that hard. Itís a good thing Coach isn't here; although (just to be nice) I hope she feels better soon. I can't wait until the weekend. Tomorrow is the Waxahachie Ninth Grade Academy Awards; I got my nails done today. I will be glad when itís over. Dressing up formally is a pain in the ass.
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