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I've always been a glutton for punishment so I've decided to continue on with another month. I didn't struggle through September as I thought I would because of it being such a tough semester. I think, in fact, that I need this outlet. I don't have many outlets. I'm a plug without an electrical source? That doesn't make sense, lol.
Talking to the GP yesterday made me realize how hurt I still am about D dying. I don't even realize it most days. I realize it when someone words a question about her in a particularly disheartening oh shit way.
I was able to ask the GP an important question about D that had been plaguing me. How does a young person's heart just stop in their sleep? The only details I've had is that her heart stopped in her sleep and her toxicology report was clean. But what clean meant plagued me. She was a hardcore alcoholic. I sincerely mean hardcore. I loved an alcoholic. But I never knew if alcohol would show up in a toxicology report. Found out yesterday that it would. This means it is quite plausible that she died from alcohol withdrawal. But, who knows.
Met with my academic advisor at school last week and got my not really needed confirmation that I will be graduating in May, pretty definitely. There's even wriggle room to fail two classes this semester. I only need six credits next semester, but I will still register for more than that just to limit the chance of still fucking it up in my last semester.
Plus, I have an accidental minor in Philosophy. I wonder how many people can say they've accidentally minored in a relatively hard subject. Also, I'm totally able to drop a bad class this semester! Score!
I've become one of
people: I fell asleep in class. I had trouble sleeping the night before and I was incredibly tired. I literally fell asleep mid lecture. It's not even that boring of a class, in fact it's my only tolerable class. It was even a better than usual lecture because we were finally talking about the physiology of perception. It appears as though every week I find a new way to embarrass myself and look like an idiot in that class. I wish I could show them all the 90 I got on our first exam. Bitches.
I let go of something, something besides the handlebars on my bike. I healthily progressed from a situation. How'd I do it so effortlessly and seamlessly? I wish I could replicate that. There had to have been a formula. Did I not pay attention? If there were a process I would have recorded it. Unless I was just sooo univested in that relationship. I always knew it, probably. I was indifferent. How did she stay for three years with no idea? I guess because it was there from day one and she thought it was my natural disposition.
That is reasonable and makes me a bad and deceitful person, I think. I let her believe I was someone I wasn't. I became something different for her. Because of her. I hated myself during those three years. I went from adoring myself to hating myself. I saw the loneliness I had just finished enduring for a number of years and I wanted anything at all. She was readily available and willing to accept me. She adored me and that was what I wanted most of all - someone to think I could do no wrong. Everything I touched was gold.
I saw D's dad on the highway while driving to work. It hit me like a ton of bricks. If I were a weaker person and not on my way to work then it probably would have hit me like two tons of bricks. I cried. I cried and I couldn't help but think that I hated her. Hated her for leaving. Her dad just had this intent look of sadness as he mindlessly drove to work. I sensed her presence, unmistakably. I wanted it to be a dream. I wanted to call her. I wanted her to call me.
Not gonna lie, sometimes I am a regular paranoid crazy chick. I worry almost constantly that she's going to up and leave me. They all leave me in the end, why would she be the exception? She'll stay for awhile, I'm sure, but ultimately she will leave. I worry about how long “awhile” may be, especially considering how “straight” she was before I came along. In turn, though, she worries that I will leave her. Mutual worry like this can surely only serve to either drive us apart or force us closer together. In the end, everything will be okay.
Sometimes I hate the whole world. Specific times for this "sometimes" includes but is not limited to: Tuesdays and Thursdays, the awkward uneven time before my periods, and when I'm at my library job. This is the first semester that Tuesdays and Thursdays haven't been my favorite because those are generally the days my psychology classes fall on. I've always hated the world before my periods. And the library job is a love/hate relationship that this semester has been more hate than love. I love the easiness but kinda hate all the people because I think they don't like me.
I got really lucky, which is not something that happens often and so is definitely something I do not take for granted. I spilled water on my laptop. This would have been the second laptop I killed by that method. But I got lucky. I turned it off immediately and I let it dry completely before turning it back on. I think my mistake last time was not letting it dry completely. Last time was a massive spill that probably would have killed it either way but it maybe possibly could have survived if it were given a fair chance.
It's my middle of the semester breakdown and I worry that this isn't even yet the middle of this God awful semester. It piles on thicker and heavier. Work and school. I effectively hate every single moment I spend on that campus. I worry that the only thing keeping me at the job is knowing that when I graduate I get to pick out and keep any book I want from the entire library. How sweet is that, right? That and I don't want to have to work more hours at the crappy job to compensate for this easy money.
Seriously? You couldn't even think to hug your girlfriend when you saw her for the first time after a super long day in which you've known that she's been having a terribly bad day? My anguish isn't justified or something? I vented my shit to her, with my sad eyes, and even put my forehead on her shoulder while on the verge of tears that would have come if we weren't in public and she seriously didn't think that maybe I just needed or wanted a hug. For fucks sake. What am I even doing here? What is she doing?
Somehow a one weekend vacation equates to five days to catch up on. I keep thinking that I won't bother writing these words next month because with school and everything I just don't have enough time or enough things to write about. Plus, my time spent online is very very limited because I'm just not as interested anymore. But then I think that it's only this month that is this busy because I have exams and shit and two papers to write. One big paper is due at the end of this month. But I need these words, I realize.
I need these words like a fish needs water. I need a source of ventilation. Without these words there wouldn't be any form of journaling and without any form of journaling I would keep everything bottled up and that's not good for anyone. The world needs for me to have a venue for venting my frustrations. Without a best friend the world is a very tiring place and I need somewhere to rest my wearied soul. Someone needs to hear about my daily plight through my trials and tribulations of trying to accomplish anything at all. The journey to graduation.
Me and the girlfriend went on vacation. We drove up to my mountains. These mountains are my favorite escape. They refresh me and recharge my batteries. They breathe life back into my soul. I feel grateful to live a mere five hours away. Within five hours I can be in my favorite places in the whole world. I don't even need to see the whole world to know that these mountains are the only place I need to be when I need to be somewhere. I only hate that I hate all the ungrateful people that see it every day.
Life shouldn't be allowed to be lived without a best friend. Or at least without at least one super good friend. It should be a law. I should be imprisoned. I also should not be held accountable for any of my behaviors over the last year. How is that even fair. Shit happens and I have no one to talk to about it; no one with whom to discuss my next courses of action. Decisions need discussion and I've been reacting to life based solely upon my own instincts without considering outside opinions because there simply are none to have.
Still with the scientific review paper and the deadline is looming closer. I've hardly started at all. I have three of the five articles. I've read and summarized one page. I believe I know what I'm doing? I'm to convey, in my paper, some information that is already out there regarding the topic I chose. Prosopagnosia. I regret not choosing mirror neurons. I regret not trying harder to find more peer reviewed articles regarding mirror neurons. Mirror neurons fascinate me while prosopagnosia bores me. I suspect I chose the easier of the two, but not caring about it doesn't help.
I have a paranoid personality type. It's true. I'll admit it. But I wasn't looking for the signs. I fear I'm going to ruin this the same way I ruined the last one. Jealousy and rampant suspicions are not attractive qualities. Sometimes I worry that I'm seriously psycho. Sometimes I think I'm only just as crazy as every other girl. Sometimes I'm aware that mental illness runs my life despite my protests against it. Runs my life and ruins my life. I ruin everything and run nothing. I'm pretty sure I'm just paranoid. God. I'll ruin this some other way.
My brother expressed concerns about seeing me fall into previous patterns where I spend too much time with a person too quickly. My last relationship started this way and lasted three years. Also, I have found that lesbian relationships tend to move faster than heterosexual relationships and I attribute this to the fact that females are more open and honest about their feelings and as such are able to express themselves without fear of scaring the other person (a boy) away. I've tried to find research backing up the theory but my resources came up empty. More research is needed.
I've caught her in a lie. It might be a stupid lie or it might be a cover up for something huge. I hate liars. My ex lied once to me. ONCE. About something totally stupid. She said she had allergies when she knew she actually had a cold. I figured it out a few weeks or months later. I got pissed despite its irrelevance and she never lied again. This current lie, if I try to call K out on it, it could ruin us. Without someone to bounce this off of, how do I know what to do?
This feels like a never ending semester. It kinda still feels new like it just started though I'm well aware that I'm like half way through. But it feels like it's a tunnel and there won't be an escape on the other end. It's going to continue on and on and the work will keep piling up and up. I already had all kinds of shit due next week and then I suddenly got a ton more dropped on me in addition to stupidly picking up an extra shift at work. This just might be killing me, slowly but surely.
Her discrepancies and inconsistencies continue to not add up but I'm going to forget about it. I'm going to try to stop doing the math in my head. I'm going to pretend her reaction to it all wasn't completely unnatural. Maybe one day I'll forget about it for real. Maybe I'll get over it. Maybe the truth will surface. The truth always finds me, rest assured of that. I can spot a lie from ten miles away. And the lies to cover up the lie was a really bad idea. I fear my growing indifference and its ability to ruin.
I decided to forget about her possible transgressions and just let it go. It was probably all in my paranoid head anyways. She's a good person and it's probably unlikely that she would ever do such a thing to me. I read too much into things. Lots of things are all in my head and I don't want this to be one of those times where an imagined problem turns into an actual problem. As it stands, I'm probably lucky that she's such a great girl and didn't get mad when I confronted her. I'm probably a lucky girl, hopefully.
My introversion has been a great hindrance to my life and I don't think that outsiders take that into consideration when they look at me and my life. I've had to work harder at the simplest things that other people take for granted. Plus introversion in addition to social anxiety and clearly I'm a mess. Sometimes I feel like I'm sinking. Drowning in a sea of people that couldn't care less about me. I'm drowning but I'm too inward to even dare flailing my arms so that maybe a lifeguard can see me and make a weak attempt at saving.
Still with the scientific review paper. Three articles discussed and two remaining. The last one was a tough one but this next one is an easy one and we can hope the last one will be okay. There's only two days left and today is a full day of school and work so that doesn't help. I'll only have work tomorrow because I'm gonna skip my class so I can finish this up. I have to somehow tie all these articles together into a coherent paper. And fuck, I still am not sure about the citation situation. Cite every sentence?
It was rough but I'm sufficiently done. I did however experience a problem that I seem to experience nearly every time I write a paper: I didn't have time to make it shorter. I'm a wordy writer, especially if I'm even slightly worried about maybe not having Enough words. But this was a pretty intensive paper. And I even petered out at the end. You can clearly tell that I got tired of writing and I just barely skimmed the last two articles. And then there's no conclusion. It just stops. I tend to do that too. I repeat patterns.
Sooo much school work to do and shit is about to get even more hectic real quick like. It took me a month to write that scientific review paper, and that there paper is equivalent to a mere section in the giant research study paper of my own that I have to write. Basically, it's a research class and we're performing our own study and we essentially have to write a research article like all the ones I've been immersed in for that other class. It's gonna be intense. All our own data and shit like. My very own study.
Dad's death day, again. The sixth time. I said to the girlfriend "today's my dad's death day." She solemnly said something like: okay, I won't mention it again. What the fuck is that? I attribute it to her having never lost anyone close to her. Sometimes you need to see death face to face in order to appreciate the severity of having a day dedicated to remembering the fact that the person died. I miss him. I miss the possibilities. I miss the sound of his voice I no longer remember. I love smelling things that remind me of him.
Plagued by anxiety and losing sleep. Everyone in my research class has a giant advantage over me. They all have each other to talk to about this chaos while I'm left reaching for scraps and just hoping and praying that I'll be able to figure this shit out in time. Most of them have already started writing the lit review. I've only just now started finding literature to review and haven't so much as thought about an opening sentence. They'll have each other to discuss data with while I'll spend my time just hoping I don't fail the overall class.
Scary movies before bed when we have to get up early in the morning? Not a good idea for me and the girlfriend to do again. In retrospect it was pretty humorous. We watched Paranormal Activity and were scared beyond belief. It was late though and we absolutely needed to go to sleep. Needless to say we are both exhausted today because it's impossible to sleep when every noise is terrifying and there's a nor'easter blowing outside. Something as simple as a trip to the bathroom became a nerve wracking team effort along with checking the lock on the door.
In my research class we're doing our study on heavy gamers and measuring them on a number of different constructs: loneliness, anxiety, coping styles, creativity and introversion/extraversion. The workload is suddenly intense now that I'm finally starting to look up articles for the lit review and such. We'll have one week to get our surveys filled out, ideally by heavy gamers, and then next lab we're gonna score them and then the next lab we'll have to have the data print out. The paper itself is massive and the most daunting thing I've ever had to do. I'm honestly scared.
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