REPORT A PROBLEM
I am so not ready to continue this pursuit of the unexpected. I am pretty much tried and stress about reaching those points in disguise. It came to my attention that I have in some ways still retained my innocence. In a sense of life expectations and forbidden romances.
It because everything is in a dream for me, a fantasy. In some ways I guess it protects me, from truly getting hurt. But it also holds me back from growth. I guess in someways I do appreciate because once it's gone from me I can't get it back.
Mom why do we have to fall in love? "Because one cannot truly be whole with out our other half." she said to me.
But I have a whole body mom,I don't need four arms!!! I exclaimed. "No." She laughs. "You don't need four arms, but I speaking off goes beyond our physically nature but spiritual. Since the beginning of time we have always been the second half to a whole person. Our ultimate soul mate."
I'm all grown up, there were many moments in which I thought I found my soul mate but I am still waiting.
Jesus once said, "What will it profit a man if he gain the whole world and loose his own soul?" MAT 16:26
We so often look at life and try to find our main outlook on life and what we would like to achieve from it. We get caught up on what everyone else wants us to achieve in this life instead of our true godly purpose.
In the quote of Jesus, I believe he was trying to say that what is the point of gaining all the values of vanity, and still not be whole within yourself. Seek Truth.
Patience & Forgiveness
Two elements other then love that is important to have within our lives is patience and forgiveness. There will be many tragedies that will happen our lives and effect us from moving forward and staying in the past.
For humans because of our sometimes vindictive nature, history has shown us that we mostly rely on anger, lust, greed. As our leaders rather then reason, love, patience, and forgiveness.
It is truly easier to throw a punch, then to stop think of next action and to respond to it with love. Think before we do and act in love.
I'm tired, make a move.
You know I am getting a little tired of trying to get things going with guys in general, at least in high school it seemed easier from a guy to come up to chick if you are interested in him or not.
OR the "hook up" thing occurred, and it was done and made official. I am exhausted and tried and not interested in the hook up, but a proper date is always nice. But I am tried if I finally have a little interest in someone and they don't make a damn move!Sheesh!
I am just not sure on what I should be thinking about right now, I am just not sure. This is just one of those moments of random thoughts.
Thoughts about the randomness of men, thoughts about the progress of dating in the sexes and the freakin game of life, the chase. I am done on the chase, I am tried of you taking so long to achieve that.
I really just don't know. I know its difficult to read the sexes of both.Its interesting how our mind think so different, but yet we can be unison about it. I just don't understand the lack of balls in men!
This was a weekend full of confusing emotions. I cannot read the opposite sex, and I am sure they would say the same of me.
The "game" as many would put it is not necessary, I feel like no matter what age group it is, boys will be boys even if they look like men.
I am fed up with trying to constantly solve the puzzle to figure out what is the best approach in an interest situation. Why does there have to be this crazy commotion, why can't people just say they feel, state the facts be real?
Sometimes I think about what the best thing in life is for me to achieve. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing what I truly desire or just getting too comfortable in the web of false hope.
Why can't I just be me and deal with what I truly feel. And not worry about others perception of me. What can I do to be original, or is the saying true that all great minds think alike?
Why in our society can't individuals stand for being individuals and not forced to be made into false a concept of false humanity.
I believe there is an Art to being an individual. Down from how we dress to how are personalities are created. Think about how we see ourselves rather then how other perceive ourselves.
I friend and I was contemplating figuring out who another person is by looking at what a person is wearing, and not judging and thinking or figuring out who that person is.
But even with or observation we also perceived that sometimes an individual is not always described on how they are dressed. How important is it for one to outwardly describe who they are internally?
Who are you?
Who are you to judge me? Who are you to think you know me? You have only meet for a few moments and think you know what you are talking about but you don't hear me when I speak!
Listen! And then you might have an idea to what I am truly about. I am not your place holder, for moment for comfort.
If you miss them then deal with it, but remove your agrivation from my soul's gates. Because you are clouding my positive energy, get out of your ego! Really listen to your heart. Listen!
The Art of Letting Go
Something that is very difficult to do. I think in terms of letting go of dreams, loved one's and negative events in our lives.
Its very hard very hard indeed to seem happy in our lives. Sometimes I wish that I could be a little more stronger. But sometimes I don't want to be strong to forget to cry, because that heals.
I think there is time, where you just have to find a balance. And balance is hard to find in our lives. How can one let go to move forward? What's the cure?
It looks to me that this will again be a series of writings that speak of my heart and soul complex. So there will be many moments of desire and depth upon wishing that my life is simpler for my heart. But who knows.
I am trying to pray more on it, and trying to understand my actions but I cannot always try to prevent the future because somethings have to be done in order for them to make me stronger, and wise.
I know slowly and surly I will get stronger and I gain what I seek!
A moment of silence
A moment of breath, and a moment of thinking. A heart beat, a free write, a moment to wander thoughts.
Thoughts and regrets, and sadness, my heart is quite sad and I have not even begun to think of what awaits my future.
Creativity is necessary at this moment of feeling nothing but humility, and repenting. Waiting for actions to happen naturally instead of on command.
I just don't know what to feel anymore, I am not sure if I am numb or just awaiting for my fear to leave my often crippled soul without hope.
What emotions are to be allowed to be expressed in my world today. Sometimes I feel a little relieved and sometimes, I feel tense.
My creative hump has forever been needed to feel released, but then again I am sometimes in a pain that all I want to do is crumpled down in a fetal position and return to the womb where I was at my utmost safety.
But I guess it something that I just don't understand, my own fears and my own willingness to survive and either let things go, or just let them go through me.
A Free write
This is a paragraph of thoughts that will make absolutely no sense.I am just writing what is on my mind, I don't feel like I need to prove to anyone who I am, nor change who I am for no one. I like the sound of my nails hitting the keys, I type much faster now then in middle school when I was first taught how to type properly. Interesting enough my teach pointed me out, that I would be the one to type without looking on the keyboard, and that prophecy has come true.
Free Write II
Sunday, March 15, 2009 I went to introduce my friends from high school to a cool artistic cafe called the lost souls, and that night happen to be a fundraiser night to help give money to the cafe. It was awesome and so enriching.
Creative souls together celebrating all concepts of art, food, drink, and music and laughter. I saw some old college buddies and an old acquaintance. Which was great it gave a great boost of creative energy and joy to my heart, and open opportunities for another dream of mine to present at an official gallery. Beautiful!
Free write III
Sex is an thing that seems can be rewarding, tragic, make you feel good, great, wonderful, hated, tortured, haunted, tearful and very sad. Sounds like love on a bad day, heck love on her period.
I just think there are certain moments in our lives where we need to just sit back and think about the our physical needs. We're always trying to get some of the hazardous conditions sex can offer. Sex can be additive. And addiction means to depend on, and lose a part of your will power, which can make you lose your way.
Free Write IV
I have my own addiction to admit to, I am addicted to art,music, and am a hopeless romantic. I am infacutated with the joys art can bring my life. It clears my mind, helps me to analyze my thought and give me something positive to look forward to.
I need my strength to help me to become a better person, I need to become more bold and dedicated to my ambitions as an artists, human, woman, African, soul and heart.
I have always taken the first steps its time to them the make there move.
A Mental Note:
I don't know what this exactly entails, all I know is that I need to get the FUCK outta here, my master doesn't even hear when I speak, I am trying to say that its important for her to take a time out and to enjoy life. But instead she is worried about numbers,guys, work, bills.
Life isn't all about that it's about take a day at a time, observing what the life around is about, taking care of Mother Earth, and to be a good person over all.
So I decided to get her attention.
A Mental Note Part II
She was rested for a few days, but she's already back at it again, Sheesh, what does heart gotta do to get some rest around here.
She just doesn't get that I am vital to her presence here, not only on a physical level but on a spiritual level as well. See my friend the brain and I keep this body in motion, even if he gives up, I can still have the body here. But once I choose to give up it's over.
I've already given her one warning. But guess she needs another.
Mental Note III
I might have overdid it because now I am struggling just to move, I gave out for a second but now I am apply to move, thanks to a few wake up shocks from the man in white.
She's steady now,according the the mind, she's taking a few steps back and thinking about her life a lot more. I had to attack twice just to get her to sit down and smell the damn roses.
Humans are made of many things both spiritual and physical, its to two sides that makes us whole, yin and yang.
Mental Note IV
Alight nice and lite, and feeling heavy. I like this. We taken a few trips now, around the world, writing down our pains, and even speaking them out more. I like this, I way more relaxed and pumping more blood now.
The other day day she was on a roll. Her whole body was shaking, but not in a bad way, a good way. Thanks to her new friend. I haven't communicated with him yet though, he still can't hear her true thoughts.
Even though telepathy is not common it can happen when we are close to people. It's more common when your in love.
A Gorky thought
My mind is completely blank and sometimes, I just want to sit down and enjoy the few moments of bliss that I have. I mean honestly. Why is it that I just cannot think of ways and peeps to kick it with. I am more astonished to why things are the way they are.
Of course none of this makes sense its just a bunch of pointless thoughts that later on turn into cool ideas. I guess frustration in life can do that to you. Oh well. One two three four, five six seven eight I'm late.
I just realize
If my observation is right I have truly almost have written 600 words in less the 10 minutes or so. . I sometimes wonder what are my true ambitions.
I really need to like organize my life, my projects, I need like a new journal, and I new outlook on my individuality.
Why am I here? I don't know but I might have an idea. Sometimes, I think life can be real interesting. I think life is like a box of chocolates except I know what I am getting I just choose not to eat those. Interesting huh? Life's choices.
Sex sex sex sex, virginity, purity, being alone. Desire, want, need, confused, diligent, I am screwed, oh crap what the hell? I don't know you said.
Random words of encouragement, fear, crap, crap, oh snap, what am I going to do. ummmmm, guys, old guys think I am attractive, young dudes don't know what to do, or what to say shy, step up again, lack potential.
Are you getting all of this? Probably not because it doesn't make sense to any of us except you. When will true colors shine it's getting there.
you think I could write a book about this process, but the truth is that its such a complicated subject in my life.
Now I am being challenged in ways that I am unsure of. But I guess its a good thing,lately I have been taking the words of Ms. Eleanor Rossevelt, that we should something everyday that we fear. It does make one stronger.
And it helps to heal emotions, in terms of just going there, and I guess it helps assist the people skills in terms of dating.
It is new territory for me. Oh well!
I don't Get
I really don't get men's frustration. I think they can't act real feminine when they get their feelings hurt. If I am considered a friend, then why do you act all butt hurt when I make a move because you are taking too long.
And assume you know that it was me making the mood and then you decided to have some damn mood swing about it. It's a little ridiculous. This is a note to proclaim that I have gain my power back and I am proud. That pleases me, for once I have turned the tables.
Just writing things in my my mind again today, why haven't I packed a lunch? Silly me, I am not Dr. Phil, please lay your problems on someone else because I really don't feel like handling this shit. I am just exhausted. HAHA
Random moments and thoughts are feeling good and worn, I am still tried of the bullshit, and I think I am doing good and well about chilling out and stuff.
What the fuck is free love? Love is always comes with a price. It bring other emotions into it, I believe free lust. Oh shit!
Feeling the body that I have has made me realize how much weight I have lost. And how it takes awhile for people to see that. I really don't know what the fucking big deal is. Am I intimating? I don't think I really am with my friends but apparently with men I can be. I think it's kind of hilarious to think of these things are so.
Why are they dogs in nature when it comes to woman, sniffing out or scent. Licking or grabbing their own balls because the mind cease to think. I really don't know.
Some ole bullish
I just don't understand what the big freakin deal is with men, and there games and their own emotional trips, its funny for them to say that that we the woman are tripping...please they can be just as dramatic.
I don't really understand their crab, and why is it that they take so long to grow the fuck up! I don't understand it. I feel like it's something very very weird about this and I don't like that it's weird, and I don't like that things can't be professional. It's seriously some ole bullshit. Damn them!
I wish I had box where I would put change in it everytime I let a foul four letter word out the mouth, because that's what I feel like doing. I think there are some crazy things going on and sometimes it fees like the only words to express those moments are those lovely cursed words.
For example someone is being an idiot, sometimes I would like to sock someone in the face because of all the crap they can emotionally put you through, but its not good to be violent, so I will settle for the cussing out!
The Tip Jar