03/01 Direct Link
. i wasnt able to do 100 words this month.. the month got out of control before it began.. and then got worse from there i am having trouble doing 100 words this month – myself they are just not forthcoming which is odd i did the numbers a week or so ago about how many i'd need to do to catch up..and then said.. fuck it.. let it go.. be kind to myself.. do not flog myself.. let it go.. being in april because you don't have to do any ting but write 100 words they do not require unity, meaning,
03/02 Direct Link
spelling., punctuation, originality – only that there be 100 of them You posted several hundred in dorkwave this morning, I bet – go cut and paste. I’ve got plenty to write – was going to do a month worth of memories of my ste brother – yes, no requirements – just write Laughing And then cut and paste in different orders, he added. I have e-mails I’ve sent that I could use – laughing now Hell Yes I’ll do that – what fun that will be. Grinning here The requirement is 100 words – part of the “learning” here You’re the best I think The very very best
03/03 Direct Link
Is to accept the reality of the world And sometimes make a deadline you don’t do “YOUR BEST” Whatever that is defined as at the time But ummm, I have problems with that you know.. Of course Heh Liberate Buddha in the road – that would be me Yes The Buddha that prevents you from writing 100 words When all yo9u have been asked to do is write 100 words Ummm 3100 at this point, but yes Good grief! grinning shit what a lesson you're so good is there in this doog how many words have we just written that could
03/04 Direct Link
be dumped wholesale into the hopper chopped like liver and de livered unto the sight! chaos you say ok. off i go to do.. you're quite the quite you know inspiration off i go to cut and paste and so I begin - a new journey – one unfamiliar to me one of NOT being perfect – one of doing for the sake of doing do it and you become it is the psychobabble or is that believe it and you will be it does that apply here? No idea. But I’m doing. And having fun with this on to the next
03/05 Direct Link
Hello fifties world

Laughing here – it’s been soooooooooooooooooooo long since I’ve done this

Long ago I began to do that in the chatroom
To give others time to come in if they happened to look in – and know that I’d be there for that finite time

It’s been years since I’ve been a regular chatter there
Life and busy have taken me in different directons Others as well

I went in today to toast a birthday – wonderful man I’ve chatted with for years today today
03/06 Direct Link
beautiful and THANK you! It opened easily with my yahoo.. glorious color and gorgeous family! Thank you for sending
VERY nice - big change in that room for you! Thanks for sending

What fun!
I canNOT get over how grown up they are now

Hi - this e-mail was empty.
Always good to hear from you anyway!
love, jn

I look forward to seeing you again and know you’ll have something special planned
I’m so grateful that she has you for a friend – it’s difficult being so far away.
It will be Thursday then when we meet.
Til then
03/07 Direct Link
Do I need a confirmation number?
I found my directions from the last time I came and there was one at that time.
I can read this from my phone - so if you have one and send it, I'll be able to get it on the way there.
Can't wait to see you!

Just landed in california. Waiting for transport

In CA - sister visit. Not well


Silver .. 1 send 5496 and the gray one.. *86 9690

Heartfelt prayers. We've lit a candle here for our Lee. Love and prayers to you, Jeanne, Steve.
Love, jn

03/08 Direct Link
In california. Left you yahoo post yesterday. I'm ok. Wondering how you are. Flight here was misery. Not online much here but check email.

In california. Planned to call you. Ran out of time. Wondering about your world

Holy shit!

Btw. Sister is end stage cancer. Did i mention stress?

Thanks, perspective. Yes.

Thanks. Im suffering stress related symptoms. Misery here.

So good to get your e-mail.. the connection is comforting and the news takes my mind off of my where i am and what i'm doing for a moment.

I’m wondering how you’re doing. Write – you’re a welcome diversion.
03/09 Direct Link
my work is overwhelming. I have taken time while here to improve my resume with the current job and to send it out to a few places. - a break in the action, even one as stress filled and angst filled as this one.. is still a break in the action.

i have spent two entire nights sick here.. bathroom issues.. would be the polite way to put it.. the only thing that eases the pressure and pain has been to soak in hot bath.. which i have done for four hours at a time! TWO NIGHTS!. Better now YES
03/10 Direct Link
this morning i am feeling ok - we were going to the flea market with my sister's husband but he cancelled so we’re doing quiet things til lunch in an hour.. thus my e-mail to you.

LIFE, I must.. you have already..but I MUST figure out and take my life back – I am running like a hamster on a wheel with this job..and must slow down my pace.. it is not good for me in any way other than the income which i desperately need.

..reaching out across the sea and holding tight to you my dear friend.... holding tight...
03/11 Direct Link
I am most interested in discussing your open management position.

I currently work for a real estate management company in a dual capacity: Regional Marketing Manager and Property Manager for two communities.

I look forward to hearing from you!

I was re-reading the e-mail I sent to my nephew and realize I ummm .. sent it to my other "Mike"
.. guess you got an update *S*..
I have to get home first, work a few days and then fly out again/ drive
No stamina for this right now – but we don’t chose when we die *sigh*
03/12 Direct Link
It was so good to get your e-mails last week - a crazy week for me and I scarcely replied.

Your e-mails arrived right before I left to fly out to California. I’m there now – with my sister. I'm with her now.

I want to let you know that your step-grandmother’s son was in a serious auto accident. His truck turned over and caught on fire. He's in critical care in the burn unit at the hospital.

He suffered 3rd degree burns and was in ill health before the accident. He’s not expected to live and is on life support.
03/13 Direct Link
Before this accident he had been in the hospital for over a month with medical issues and was released to your grandmother’s home to recover before going home to his wife and their dogs.

He had been home just over a week and was taking his dogs to the vet when the accident happened.

I just want you to know what she's going through.

I leave tomorrow for home. Let's stay in closer touch. It's good to be in contact with you and I'm stunned that I've not figured out a way for us to see one another before now.
03/14 Direct Link
I am in California with my sister and we wanted to contact you by phone. I cannot locate your number, please send.

thanks so much, jn

Thank you - we had wanted to share the information about our step-mother’s son. Initially my sister wasn't able to get her e-mail through, thus the request for the phone number.

Any word? just landing in Charlotte

I'm ok - hope YOU are.

Exhaustion set in today.
i'm starting to feel a bit better.. sleep has helped and being home in my own bed!
what a harrowing week that was. jn
03/15 Direct Link
Too tired to call but did get your voice mail at some point in travel.
I agree with your decision not to go!
I could not picture you travelling as I did today - exhausting beyond thought nearly.

I will not be able to go either since the service will be Friday. I simply can't do it - Friday gives me no time to get my equilibrium before leaving again – also my work!

I'll call you tomorrow and let her know then also.

I love you and it was so good to spend our time together this week despite.

03/16 Direct Link
Thank you, dear one.

I just returned from a harrowing week in CA with my sister who has end stage cancer.. I wanted so to call to let you know where i was but the complexities.. stress was to the nth degree..

I missed your birthday..but Joan did leave a message for me [right before your event at the O'Henry but not in enough time for me to have gotten it together to go]... know i love you and think of you always.– I miss our time together and regret that my time is taken so with my work

03/17 Direct Link
I spent the week with my sister in california - the day after i got there, we learned that my step-brother, who had been in intensive care and finally was able to discharge to his mother's home for rehab, was discharged home to his wife. He’d been home for three days. He took his dogs to the vet. Three houses from his own he went off the road, hit a tree, truck flipped and was engulfed in flames. A fire truck happened to be behind him. They pulled him unconscious through the windshield. One of his dogs was badly burned.
03/18 Direct Link
A neighbor got them out and took them to the vet. We got a call while I was with my sister that he was in critical care in the burn unit with 3rd degree burns, broken ribs, leg, etc etc. He had pulmonary problems stemming from a liver transplant many years ago. The entire time I was there we were waiting for the call - he died on Monday at 4:30 east coast time. I left for the airport early Tuesday morning. My flights were delayed and I had to transfer my reservations. i arrived home after midnight Wednesday morning.
03/19 Direct Link
Today is Thursday I had to work wednesday as best i could with the plan to go to his funeral on Saturday. The memorial service was moved to Friday [tomorrow] I cannot go. I am in a deep state of exhaustion and shock. yes. i could have written earlier.but to be honest, it was all i could do to get home. I went to sleep at five o'clock yesterday evening with the intention of waking back up at eight to do some work. i never work up again until this morning - and have been hard at my work since.
03/20 Direct Link
my sister is at end stages now. Her cancer has spread to individual cells throughout her body. What appeared to be a rash related to her oral chemo now seems to be additional forms of cancer.

of course i can do it.. i never implied by my not writing all of this until now that i couldnt.

Lee and I were close. When his mother announced she was divorcing his father and marrying mine he immediately joined the Navy. He was 18. i was at school in Florida. His basic training was in florida and came to see me frequently.
03/21 Direct Link
He was transferred to Imperial Beach CA .I drove out in 1970. We camped in the desert, had talks overlooking the ocean… ... I'm too tired to write more – we remained close as the years progressed.

This is devastating to his family and I believe it may be too much to bear for his mother, wife and brother. It is nearly too much for me to bear - the fact that he had been near death in the hospital for over a month.. recovered enough to go home and then died in a totally unrelated way three days later.

03/22 Direct Link
I read this in awe of you and the depths of your understanding.

The guilt you mention surfaced in giant proportions when I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the same time my sister was dealing with both liver and lung cancer. My other sister's death has been superimposed upon my life as has that of my mother - and it was merely a matter of time, I felt, until I would get my own diagnosis - the questions were not about would I, but about when it would be and what type.

And of course, there was no surprise.
03/23 Direct Link
My sister was in the fierce land of two cancers, each of which have no clear treatment plan and each involving required surgery [ oh yeah.. so did mine!] and follow up treatment [oh yeah.. so did mine! And actually mine included radiation] but mine was a tried and true treatment plan [ well maybe not - mine was not hormone based and so none of the ummm. heretofore tried and true treatments work for mine but.. ] and so i was consumed in the erotic combination of feelings: RELIEF that I would LIVE and GUILT that she would not
03/24 Direct Link
Over these three years, while she has been on the oral chemo which was to’ve lasted three months only and to've been administered only after chemo failed [her oncologist intervened with her insurance company], our death watch eased a bit - she began to travel - and to deal with the myriad of doctor check ups and symptoms which spring up from her oral chemo. I finished my treatments, and as you know - never regained energy, fatigue now becoming my way of life - but never speaking of it to her because hers was so much greater than mine.
03/25 Direct Link
I now have begun to test the time line of life. My mother died at 44, sister at 46. I am 60. My sister, 63. Everyone has something.. we have cancer - that's our something. Everyone dies. AS she wound her way to 63, I have begun to think that compared to our mother and sister, we’ve had fifteen additional years of life.

I recently heard a news story of a famous man who died at 73 and i was filled with TERROR. 73 is ONLY 13 years older than I am and: 73 doesnt sound so young to die!
03/26 Direct Link
At what point does our cancer get cancelled out by our life expectancy?

I am selfish now with my life and i don’t dwell upon illness - i deal, as you do, with what’s on our plates - what is thrust there and we create.

I now look at my life in chucks of time - i have the calendar superimposed upon my mind as I pattern out my plans - always before I didn't take time even for plans, I was so busy running helter skelter from one moment to the next in an attempt to finance my family!
03/27 Direct Link
I long for the whimsical joy you mention. I have only fierce determination. There is joy in small things, I suppose, but as you know, I am a serious one - I laugh easily but then I cry on top of it - depression? life? what? --- fragile is the perfect word to describe me - at times i feel i will break - but i go on - i simply go on. i take a breath - turn up the music, watch the birds at my feeder..and go on.

closing now amidst tears - not painful ones: resolute.

03/28 Direct Link
Cute *S*

Re the therapy - I have no plan to do this.
Each day as it comes - larger plan to move to the coast once I reach 62 and have base of social security to build on with part time job - July of 2010. Work this job or another until then.

Smiling at my dear friend!

It is only a friend who would suggest therapy - a blessing that you do/did/are!

Regarding the guilt - I was knocked over by the guilt at the time of my diagnosis in comparison to what my sister was going through.
03/29 Direct Link
My younger sister dealt with ovarian cancer at the very moment I was pregnant with my daughter!

I felt no guilt there.. only sad – and learned we cannot expect "fair" to play a part in our lives.

I’ve moved away from guilt re my older sister. We both have lived fifteen years longer than our personal life expectancy.

The terror i mentioned was not terror at death - but of shortened life!

I LOVE life - relish it.. just as it is - we each have our what we haves.. I want every ounce and morsel of life.. every neuron!
03/30 Direct Link
i said previously, no reason for you to be concerned.

Perhaps I can shed some light on your confusion,.

This is what put me off - you wrote this: No matter how bad the situation is...or how down you are, could send a…note to let me know you're OK. THIS is what you told me I need to do.......but you have to meet me half way...or .75 of the way…I am concerned
Maybe I need to tell you that you have to pull yourself together...your job...your life...Your Mr. Obama says...WE can do it....and you can~~~~ Please...a note
03/31 Direct Link
Then, when I replied to you telling you what was going on and why I hadn't written, this is what you wrote back [see below] I'm guessing you thought this to be an apology for your rude and thoughtless initial e-mail [see above] - I've highlighted the reason that while you probably feel you sent me an apology, it is clear that you accept no responsibility and yet you are confused?????? Read your own words. "In a way I think I might" What is that?????? my tone "might have"...?????? "Obviously I most definitely should not assume anything?" what is that????