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an altered pen
I'm actually starting this seventeen days from now. Seventeen. Strange to feel so young, yet robbed of sweet innocence. Nursing a demented heart. Demented because you made it so. Fears of love that does not linger.
Optimism. Plagued by Hyper Music. Musing upon the nuisance of unproductive solitude. So dearly I wish for eternal feelings, memories that never die. Frolicking through fields of sunflowers might be therapuetic. Sleep is a sure cure though. I wish my erratic sleep schedule would mend itself. Today I am lazy, throwing the events of my life to the whims of the winds. Ahh, Perfection?
I need to be very careful with my words, in all aspects of my life. I should keep sarcasm to a minimum, and try to make others feel happier. Happiness is the goal. Memories are so elusive- the best way to live is for the moment, and to be happy with each breath granted. You will be my new One. I need no outlet.
I ought to make a habit of interacting with real people more often. I still care about him, but I'm pretty sure I don't love him. I've had this conviction for quite a while. Sixteen months.
Twins who birth deaf children. A Possibility?
I'm trying to be careful, I am. But when both our minds want to linger over to you, what can one do? I said once, that I would be able to get over him if I tried. I
get over him. and it's only love when you can't. I AM over him. There's just nothing over here that appeals me. I should focus on what matters, and not on some boy who's half-hearted in a relationship, and a boy whom I've grown to care about less and less.
Failure is sad style.
"Don't play me like a fool." I won't be trapped by
The other informs me of a dream of me. "Please tell me you're in Pittsburgh," he says. It makes me sad to read this. It really breaks my cold heart somehow. Such bad timing we have. Feelings insincere. "My belt wouldn't stay on." I wonder what that means? My lame lol responses do not suffice. The opportune moment approaches. Mayhaps this time it will be true luck. Should I look older just to be put on your shelf? Just how late is dinner?!
Who loathes pretenses…?
A blast from the past. Funny thing...I threw away my worry list when I cleared out my drawer the other day, and today I got the empty trash can...and on the plastic was the very same lone, post-it note. I wonder if they noticed?
"What about intendeds?"
I hope this replaces my useless Xanga. It only robs me of precious time. And not a millisecond should be spilt.
Blind attachment to a stranger is Dangerous. So is missing the opportune moment. Making lists of possible conversation topics is beyond pathetic. Love should come effortlessly. Won’t you share my views, love?
"I need someone who remains flawless in my eyes. and I need fidelity, if that's all you have. But darling, Love is mandatory. Passion is indispensible. Irreplaceable. Truly."
I really just want true friends with whom I can have interesting, pleasant conversations. People who will make me laugh. People around whom I wont have to fake anything. and those bimbo fucking beach blondes who think they're everything just need to die. I can't stand them. I don't know what I'll do. A few faithful, true friends are all I'm asking for.
Will anyone ever have the courage to fix me?
“I think about the nature of things. I think of the thoughts of others. Oh, the beauty in music! Sheer music. Plain, pure, unadulterated piano. The most perfect melody to cross my ears. I can’t believe the joy it brings me.”
“I feel overwhelmed by the world. The beauty, the misery, the death, and birth. The miracles. The little miracles. The colors evoke passion too. Everything. Rain. I'm crying for it. For the injustice. For my intelligence. For my stupidity. I'm crying for him too. I’m crying for Him too.”
I don’t want to wonder if this is a blunder.
My intentions must be clear. I must educate myself in all manners of thought. I want to become civilized, and learn to control my emotions. Maybe I would like to hide behind the facade of reason for a while. But quit playing sharades, for God's sake! Speak nothing but the truth, and if you must lie, chose to remain silent instead. Do not curse. Do not give into peer pressure. Do not acquiesce to something you do not want to do. Never compromise your sleep or health over any boy or girl. Goodbye. I am off to reform myself forever.
“I just finished watching "Becoming Jane"- rather fascinating film, if I do say so myself. In fact, I have been affected in and of so much as to hold an altered pen. Can you not tell? The romance that sparked between Miss Jane Austen and Mr. Lefroy was enviable, any woman, much more one of my character, would be inclined to prefer such a love. Tragedy it had to come to so soon an end, such a seemingly inevitable end. I am very moved to posit- would it have been possible to retain that fire?”
Danger! Danger! High Voltage!
“Had Mr. Lefroy been financially stable and had he been able to support his many siblings in a favorable manner, could the forbidden affection have been consummated in marriage? It is much to my pleasure to wish, to yearn that it could, even if Jane had not stumbled upon the letter that betrayed such less-than-meager conditions. This conclusion is, I presume, (for one cannot know the reasons of his thoughts), an outpouring of the longings I have or had felt towards a certain Lefroy who seems to have stolen my fancy.”
Past feelings churn nothing much in my heart.
“I gather that I most heartily desire, from the deepest corners of my heart, that a relationship, a forbidden love turned feasible, can and will overflow with affection in due time- and that this, this love, can birth a marriage so sumptuous in its possibility, so opulent in passion, and so proliferate in offspring, that even Romeo and Juliet would marvel.”
My, what funny eloquence! Evidence of a “quirky” nature? I tried to mimic Jane Austen a little there. I think it sounds beautiful- better than his awkward and incessant, incomprehensible diction.
I don’t like the taste of cough syrup.
“The lights are on, the blinds are pulled shut. I'm listening to Your Ex-Lover Is Dead and there are tears running down my cheeks. There's a little tab at the bottom of my screen that says his name and we haven't exchanged words in 30 minutes. It's 1:30 at night and I had plans for rejuvenation. For recovery. no avail. My heart or mind or the place in my body from which emotional responses ensue is slightly malfunctional as usual. My tear ducts are a tad faulty. Time is going by altogether too quickly.”
“Love is the only rational act.”
“You have to approach this situation with a clear head, untainted by mad obsession for in inconsiderate, incessant jerk. Trust me darling, the obsession has deteriorated. And when you meet me boy, you'll be stunned. I'm not the girl you think I am. I'll prove you wrong, crush you down to a friend. You bet it's possible, baby!”
“I was so happy yesterday, fueled by heart-beating bhangra and insane propositions. I jumped around like a lovely fool downstairs, kissed my parents to pieces, and left my heart on my sleeve. Perhaps the blame goes to the thunderstorm. I LOVE THUNDERSTORMS!”
From A Fifteen-Year-Old Heart.
I love you dearly, without wax
Your smile makes me want to live forever.
If only that life could be spent in your arms.
Your eyes, do I see a glimmer of hope?
One can only hold on and hope and pray that someday...
My broken heart will be whole again.
Your voice is music to my ears,
The final note resonating in my heart.
My heart says I love you
While my soul tells me to be brave
With a seed of hope, i still love you dearly,
Without wax, and as true as ever.
My childhood, my days of fun, my days of romantic curiosity. Slipping Away. It all becomes business from here. Work in medicine for money. Find a boy for marriage. Why do these things dictate our lives and tie us down? Sigh. These things are necessities for survival in the jungle of a world we're thrown into. We are lucky to be alive, and lucky to have the ability to love. So greatly I cherish this feeling that washes over me, filling my every crevice, deep into the corners of my mind. But classification of Love is difficult. False signals. Misinterpretation.
How wonderful it would be to have the one person in the world who makes your world lying beside you. Perfection. The One who makes my being whole. Can You imagine, grasp, envision us? Me and you, the unknown you.
There's always something better around the corner. Sleep's more attractive than him. Oh to be elevated you to the heavens everytime he looks at you! Do you believe in fate, love? Mayhaps we're destined to meet. Two lonely souls on a quest to find each other...will we have enough time? I’ve the rest of my life. I'll wait for You.
We stared out at the water, the sky, the world. Before, I had mentioned to him my frustration with my friend's inability to find sheer beauty in nature instead of solely finding beauty in the patterns of nature. On that bench, we talked about many things. About rain. He said that his ideal place in the rain would be in a log cabin, looking out at the rain. I said that my ideal place in the rain would be on the porch of my grandparents' house in India (He said that see, I had already been to my ideal place!).
She waits for a dinner call from "friends" who feign affection.
says the clock, whose dastardly plot to ruin her sleep and make her studious, turns her into sour milk. His funny diction has indeed rubbed off on her, among his other idiosyncrasies. He remains idle; she's unsure of her feelings about the colour orange. Why the "ou?" - because she can pretend to be a perfect British citizen too.
Perhaps she will be forgotten tonight. Perhaps dinner is an unimportant meal- maybe a meal bar will do. She’s
of his chains, and of this word limit. Close!
The goal is to capture the essence of things. Searching for the essence of a person can be so damned difficult. Some days I am foolish and in love with the benevolent world, while other days I stain every action and word with indelible doubt. I want to see through pretences, and see people as they truly are. But what if we are merely empty shells, and sense impressions do govern our perceptions? Let Hume and Kant spew out philosophy as they wish; and I know Socrates’ “The unexamined life is not worth living.” But sometimes we forget to live.
Blind People. Discordianism. Hot Dogs. Ripsticks. Drunken Stories. Strangers. Initials in Snow. Clear Skies. All is Chaos, and yet, All is Peace. Perhaps it's the relief of not having anything due in the immediate future, or simply the joy of TGIF, but when you get Ben N Jerry's, and listen to philosophers philosophize, and experience the inherent agony in all of it that sometimes seeps in, sometimes,
, the world feels complete. Somehow the anger, mistrust, and the sheer beauty in nature all wrap itself around you and you succumb to the numbness and mild, bitter happiness it all brings.
Depression overtook me last night. It carried me far over the oceans, far across the people I will never meet and the people who have abandoned me. Independence is such a lonely prospect. Mistrust plagues everything, and everything becomes tainted. When you trust only one person, you have nothing to fall back on. True friendship is so hard to come by. All efforts to keep this entry coherent are crumbling. Everything just crashed down on me and there was no escape. So I shed droplets of salty wonder on my 300-threadcount pillow sheets until Sleep took me under its wings.
Clear skies are monotony. Now I long for blue drizzled with little fluffy clouds and oh, sunsets with thin cirrus clouds are so beautiful. I once wrote an elaborate story connected the sunset to a political revolution- it must’ve been a result of either lack of sleep or utter boredom. Today was dull. K slept until 8pm, and it made me angry. He should sleep normally- if not to be healthy, then at least to be awake to keep me company throughout the day. Lost In Translation was dull as well. I hope the rest of my life is better.
This morning I woke up to my roommate's annoying alarm, which, I might add, rang five times before my own beautiful beeping bastard decided to blare its horn. Sometimes I just want to bash that blasted thing against the wall and rejoice as it shatters into a million pieces. Someday I will wake up ready for life but today is
A missed call from K stirred something in my heart after a lousy conversation earlier today. Chocolate is slowly alleviating the pangs of pain and terror (though the latter can be attributed to the paper due tomorrow).
Back to clear skies and back to confusion. I had a very healthy night of sleep and I hope to keep it that way. I think it's really sad the way people sometimes change for the worse. The old friend dies and a complete stranger takes his place. Such people are so easily influenced by others; they rarely have control over their lives. People like me are halfway there- I can't help but be manipulated, yet I don't completely succumb to their treacherous entreaties.
forever? Clearly not friendship, though we love to think it does. Back to Reality.
I wonder what Love is. I can vaguely remember what it is like to adore someone real. All I know is infatuation though. Someday I would love to experience true, mutual love, if such a thing does exist. For all of our sakes, I hope it does. I hope it's not just some false ideal instilled into our minds by Disney fairy tales. Oh that would be cruel. It’s a terribly sad thing to have such closeness in dreams and not in reality. I pray it’s not something fictional mirage cooked up by our feeble, vulnerable minds.
Does it exist?
Thanksgiving was a good day. A reunion with N was uneventful, but the food made up for it. I really hate Florida's heat. Even in November, the sun beats down through the clear blue atmosphere. The house almost reeks with happiness- such a jovial ambiance has pervaded my spirits, and my horoscope is indeed true. I could not stop laughing today.
Old home videos. The eight-year-old me was so free of worries, enjoying her happy childhood with no hint as to what would come. I
this feeling. I just wish I can replicate this in my own future home.
I am thankful for so many things in my life. My friends, my enemies, and those who have dug their way into my hearts and become my life. I'm so thankful for my family- I could not have asked for better parents or sisters. I'm thankful for having K in my life. Beyond thankful. At last I found a companion, someone to share my thoughts with, someone to confide in. Though our relationship is like a roller coaster of emotions that wax and wane, he once managed to capture my heart. He’ll always have a place there, no matter what.
There are so many in the world who are less fortunate than I am. The problems I worry about are so laughable in light of the harsh realities others face. Haiti, devastated by hurricanes and a useless government, suffers famine and death, and here I am stressing over a boy. I am
thankful for the food I eat and for the roof above my head. And as the tears fall, I "wait" for maturity. Useless. Self-deprecation will not help this time, darling! Life is much too precious to be spent like this.
Kaisi, paheli hai yeh kaisi, paheli zindagaani
Singing lets a person express any emotion- anger, mistrust, love, faith. Music is truly one of the fuels of life, like the air we breathe. It is the best medium by which to convey...anything. There are some songs that bring tears to my eyes and some that incense me to my very last nerves. Be it heart-beating bhangra that feeds pseudo-Punjabi patriotism into my veins or pure piano meandering through my arteries, music is perfection. The notes resonate with passion as the melody glides through every crevice, connecting with the soul in way that can only be described as “divine.”
I'll have him until I find better. End of discussion. He makes me happy, and I can't bear the thought of not having him in my life. Differences of race and religion should
matter! They have no place in Love. You could be my intended. I'll have it no other way. Your awkward diction makes me smile. And I like you. I do. Nine months are far too long to wait- I wish they would fly by. I can't wait to meet my beloved. Let's never skip steps. Let's sit down and ponder and hold hands and make
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