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And so a new month starts...
A new time of qualms and all. Though there's a war somewhere, and there bombs do fall. Though it's not warm in here, I'm still comfortable. So I'm allotted fables. I'm a lot in able.
I've got it all laid out. I got a future paved. I can see the sun. I don't feel too depraved. Maybe I'll be the one. Who makes the biggest change. Maybe you'll look up a statue and you'll see my face.
Or, in times of calamity, I'll build a family, and never mind the statues, we'll saddle free and feel: like humans.
I made an ode to lose weight yesterday.
Was just sitting by the computer, doing my thing as usual, when I realized I'm fat. I've been gaining kilos. I think I was somewhere around 96-97 around Christmas, and suddenly I'm almost up at a hundred! What happened? Basically: the wrong foods, and too much even of the right foods, and not enough movement.
So I'm on a diet now. The diet of: no afternoon tea, no chips or sweets, no pastries or similar, no juice or sugary drinks, more walks and short bits of exercise whenever I have time for it, and smaller meals overall. And hopefully a bit better sleeping habits because that does make a difference too.
So far so good! Slept alright, have done some sit-ups amidst work, took a walk, ate a bit of omelette and salad for lunch, not so much I'm totally stuffed... now just to keep this going for the rest of the month and hopefully shed some kilos!
Another day! Another one that starts alright no less!
The sun's shining, the snow's no longer falling but that's okay... supposedly clear skies today mean there'll be a long summer. Don't know how reliable that factoid is but it still makes me feel pretty good about the future, and appreciate this particular day a little more than I maybe would otherwise.
Had a hectic work night yesterday, entire customer database accidentally deleted, but fortunately a recent backup worked well, and that probably makes this new dawn all the brighter.
Get out there! Go on. I'ma sit here and work some.
Started today the right way!
Skipped breakfast and shoveled snow.
First our own little path to the parking area, then the whole parking area, then the road down to the road, then I walked off and picked up a package at the post office, then I shoveled snow for the old lady at whose house I have my car parked - both the driveway and the parking. Then I took a brisk walk with my mom. And finally: lunch!
I wasn't as hungry as I'd expected, but I was definitely as tired as I'd expected. Physically, but mentally I'm on top of the world right now.
Finna use this momentum and get stuff done today.
Two slices of bad news served today: my first planned vacation of the year - booked a trip this March - has been cancelled.
Second bad slice: we're moving locales at our company, and I'm not sure I like the new one at all... it's small. I'm used to having my own corner to work in. My cubicle of sorts. To be able to walk off to the kitchen and fetch a cup of tea. To take a brisk walk over to the boss on the other side of the office. To have my own space, and room to move, but with the new one we'd basically all be in the one room all day. No walking space at all. No alone time. I don't really like the prospect...
Hope to book a new trip and: hope we find a bigger office.
Headache day today...
I guess that's the end of my this greatest streak, which lasted a week.
I've been eating better, I've been making it a point to get up and do some sit-up's when I remember, and to walk a bit longer during the after work walks, and to wear weight vests on pretty much all others.
Yesterday I slept a bit too little and didn't really have the energy or motivation to do as much, but still ate healthy. I drank a glass of juice though. Ate a snack bar. First relapse.
And today I wake with a headache.
it's like a sign huh? Better habits = better everything.
Wrote up my haiku and hundred word posts as the first thing for the morning, right after a warm showering of awakening.
It's now 2:37 PM.
I've been out walking - wonderful walk in a sunny winterland with cold winds that otherwise feels like spring, then backing up photos, eating lunch, watching a little stand-up and reviewing that real quick too...
I don't know how the time passed all this fast though. Morning routines ain't done yet. I'm bout to plow through them now and: onto the remainder of the day then.
I finished a ton yesterday though.
Swapped servers at work today.
Was thinking I'd redirect the domain in the morning, let things propagate, compare database and move over whatever ended up on the wrong side of the site during propagation aaand that'd be it.
Not so. Site broke. Swapped back. Hoped customers didn't take a hit. Spent the rest of the day troubleshooting and going back and forth and finally we fixed it! Move went OK. Cron jobs not working. A few orders to import. Turned into a ten hour shift...
And this shit'll just keep going tomorrow.
Wish me luck.
Wake up then.
it's really all about how it starts though, and I started this one wrong. With stress. No affirmations. No meditations. No time to do anything but: rush to the gas station to drop off a package and then right to work, and the work was a waiting for me, boss was ready, fire was burning, things to do...
I don't like when the day starts that way.
I'm feeling burnt out, thinking it's just that it's been a hectic day overall, but thinking over things I think it's just that.
Can't start running. Gotta jog slow.
I'm a sleep in tomorrow.
One bad day, then one better. :)
Woke up in good time today, and finally managed a couple of things I've been waiting on a long time - first to get a credit voucher on the cost of a train ticket I was supposed to have to book at latest the 13th - that was a pleasant surprise. Then got closure in a banking thing. Took a long walk. Ate lunch. Finished MacGruber (great movie).
Now I'm writing this and I still have a few hours ahead of me! Should be enough time to manage at least a few dues still left over.
Feeling pretty good about myself today.
Back at the office and troubleshooting like crazy today.
So far so good. Started trying to fix things. Not making any progress so far but it's the process that matters right? Always a process. Never at losses. Stay strong precautions. Keep on and go off the: reservation. All that we're facing. Never complacent. All contemplating. Maybe the same things. Maybe we're shaming. Maybe we're saying. Go Super Saiyan. I don't know lately. if my writes aim deep. It's superficial. Got my initials. All turned to crystal. With what I did do. Back as a kid too. Went to a little school.
Ain't nothing letting up in life these days...
Had a tough work week. Hella stressful. Contemplating getting a new job. Boss doesn't seem to fully appreciate all that it is I really do; how far beyond my capabilities I really am with the new ground we're treading... I never signed up for a sysadmin job. I can't program. I'm a designer. I'm learning new things but working a small company IT job is tough when there's no real line on qualifications; you just have to learn whatever you need to do whatever you need to, and I think I'd feel better about it all if the company was going well, but these are tough times for everyone...
Was looking forward to celebrating a cousin's birthday today but he's supposedly sick. Had a real feast prepped. Sat by the fire with my parents instead and had a good time but...
I'm disappointed in people around me lately. Disappointed in myself. Stressed too easily, often on the brink of breaking down, yet not doing the things that matter most. Do I have time for what's important though? What IS important? I need to figure this shit out...
Mid-lice crisis? Yupp, that might be it.
Just can't seem to shake it off.
I had a good day yesterday, went to bed in decent time, managed to wind down well, wrote a positive diary entry to close things off the right way... slept well too, but the moment I wake up it all comes back to me.
My mind plays through worst case scenarios. The stress comes creeping. The hopelessness. I get a good idea but immediately have to shut down that creative part of my brain, because I know I don't have time to make it happen right now, instead I start running fictive conversations in my head where I confront people for no reason...
How to stop this. How to calm down. How to find my place.
It's another day of that journey; that chase.
Stressing over nothing now.
My sister's sleeping over since their apartment's getting all windows replaced, and her sleeping habits are a mess, her habits are a mess, her influence on me is: making me feel stressed over the potential I might mess up my habits in response. And getting put under undue pressure for the scrutiny she should be putting herself in.
Feels like we got along way better back in the day, for whatever reason, I'm definitely more stressed out than I used to be too right now...
But it all went alright. All that stress for nothing. If I don't say the wrong things we do get along.
Stressing. Huffing. Rest/recovething.
Calm down. Calm down. Calm down now...
It's not so bad at all when you're on the right path. When you go to bed in good time. When you eat well. When you get up early enough to have a shower and get a bit of a grip on things before the day starts...
I'm not as stressed out today as I thought I might be, and the only stress I feel right now is really from feeling like maybe this is all temporary and I'll get stressed out again.
All stress feels so non-mentionable looking back... it's strange how easily emotions fade; go in waves; one day can be great but the next... totally horrible.
But vice versa too.
You'll get through.
Life's really not going badly lately!
I feel like maybe the secret cure to all my issues might be sleep. Cause I'm tired when I wake up, I don't lose weight easily, I'm too tired to exercise properly, and tiredness breeds bad habits. And weighs on the mind. You get too emotional. You react harsher to things than you should do. My sleep goes in waves, sometimes I fuel up and sometimes I just don't sleep like I'm supposed to.
Trying to get to bed a little earlier today, and just that intention feels like a huge shift. already better.
Woke up and ugh.
Tired like ugh.
Planned on starting the day with a cold shower.
Planned on maybe waking up a little earlier than the alarm clock, and managing a short walk before work too.
Planned on feeling good!
Plans crashed. Woke up somewhere before seven (alarm was set on 9:55). Maybe I'd been too intent on waking up before I was supposed to? And was tired as shit, but couldn't really fall asleep again.
I think I did though. Too tired to notice. Tossed and turned a lot. Didn't need to go to the bathroom. Didn't need any water. Suddenly it was 9:55. Stayed in bed just a few minutes after the alarm and suddenly had to jump up for work...
And I'm still tired.
Just one of those days.
Thought I filled in this day yesterday, but apparently I was either too stressed or too depressed yesterday to do that kind of filling.
I didn't write any diary entries either, which you'd think would make me a bit more depressed - venting source as they tend to be/implication of falling behind as their not being filled in tends to give - but I suppose I was too tired to commence such contemplations. I fell asleep pretty much instantly, today I feel better, and I feel like:
1. Maybe skipping these things was a good choice yesterday.
2. Maybe I was more so just tired than depressed.
Moral of the story: take your sleep seriously.
Now onto tomorrow, now today...
A buddy asked if I could give him a ride to the airport earlier this week, to meet up with another buddy, and then drive them both back to his place. I said why not, cause it seemed like an easy thing to help with, I'd be riding home from work today anyway and pass his place on the way - not as big of a detour as it would be otherwise - and we'd get to spend some time on movies and other pastimes before aforementioned foray. The plane rolled in late.
It would've been nice and dandy if my mom hadn't stayed up all night worrying last night, and was all the more worried now because she hadn't slept. Pandemic times. Times of disease. And distress. And I'd be venturing to the possibly most infectious place of all for said detour, subsequently spending half an hour in the car with said stranger fresh off the plane from Spain.
No dice huh. Of course I could ignore my mom's angst and wishes they find some alternative transport, but that wouldn't be very considerate of me would it. Was already feeling it'd be slightly irresponsible when I do live at home with a couple eighty year olds.
Would've been nice though...
Feels like it's gonna be a good day today! :)
I woke up with a burden. A neighbor called. Had a thing I needed to do. For a moment I felt like I'm pretty much living my life just running errands for old people... but then I told myself it's good exercise anyway, so why not appreciate the task at hand, and in my mind something actually clicked. The affirmation stuck.
I haven't run off on the errand yet but I'm about to soon as I've cut my hair, and for some reason it feels like good things are just lining up now!
It's gonna be a good day today.
Did I just miss another day again? A Sunday of all days?!
I've been trying to manage these on a daily basis, but it seems occasionally I fall behind anyway. I cater to other affirmations than I should. Like: none. Get disillusioned by non-existent future prospects and the way the world and my life all seem to be going lately...
Then I sleep badly and wake up focused anyway, and catch up like I'm doing now. Really strange how emotion wavers; how differently you can feel regardless of how you feel physically. Drive and overall state of health don't match.
Anytime you falter, remind yourself of the will of fire.
I'm sitting here with two slices of bread and a cup of noodles.
It would've been enough with just the bread. it's compact. Baked on oats, eggs and apple, and after just two small (but relatively thick - a centimetre or so) slices with butter and cheese... I feel like I could sustain myself on this. Really. Do I eat less these days or what? How can this bread be so satisfying despite such in comparison minuscule edible mass?
But if you just keep eating it works out anyway. You'll be less full than you felt you might be.
And I thought I was tired yesterday. -_-
Just took one magnesium tablet before bed yesterday. Just had one left, and instead of going down to the kitchen and getting a new jar I figured I'd let people sleep and get by with just the one...
Moral of the story: don't mind if you wake people up. The magnesium's more important. Go get that tablet.
The level of reliance I have on this particular mineral at this point is really pretty amazing. One day without and I'll get a headache. But not just a day but: with any dose less than 300-400 mg. Especially before bed. Most important time.
Really can't wait to get off work, and go to sleep, and before that maybe get some more magnesium...
For some reason my Skype login info cleared out today...
Always makes me suspicious. Did someone hack my shit? Did the computer do something weird here? What happen? Currently it's taking forever with the login too, seems like maybe there's a problem with the program...
Seems like maybe there could be a conflict with my Internet connection, in how sometimes when I have Skype on domain names in the browser don't resolve. Could it be that suddenly switched around; now Skype's the one with the connection problem?
What a weird issue to have though... I do need to log on. Hope to fix this soon...
It's a new day and here I am now!
By the computer again. Out of the shower a while ago. Out of bed just before that. With my first cup of coffee slowly disappearing, with a small breakfast already broken down, with a walk just around the corner, and a refreshingly ascetic lunch awaiting just after that. Fried eggs, that's all I want; that's all I need.
I woke up feeling tired. A little heavy. A little sniffle. A little like I might be getting a cold, but fortunately it's a free day, I've rested and feel better, and now I write.
At work today, with a verse to make, then go searching grapes, make a wine and dine, see you down the line, when we're fine in mind, in these timeless times, where no crime is crime, where we do our dues, and refuse to lose, and the usual cruise, cause if you are you, then you're good and good, is misunderstood, as having more than you, need to lead your life, so we kill the earth, there's a sequel right? I've been meaning to, ask you what you do, when you want to prove, that you're not just you. But greater.
Woke up with a headache today, but let's see if I can salvage this one yet... the reason I I got this is probably a few nights now with all too much lateness. Had a jam deadline at midnight yesterday in particular, and stayed awake a bit after sorting things out and watching the end of Doom Annihilation (not the best movie).
A bit interesting how this month actually ends at the end of a week btw. Feels like I've the pressure of making the most of not just the week but the whole month at the same time.
Last day of the month now!
Again I question the use of adding in these random time-related taglines to these bits of writing, as if that was all I was really all about, more about deadlines than living for the moment, on the winds of whim and all. You get indoctrinated by life though you know? Trapped inside this system we call society.
Then again I do like the numbers, and the cool (or not so cool, split impression here) thing about this 28th is that it's both the last day of the month and the last day of the week all at once.
Felt like I reaaaally had to make the most of it! And I did. Sort of. Finished a game for a jam just before it was due, and it turned out good.
Must say I am pretty pleased with myself. Good day. Good week. Good month... after all.
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