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Sometimes I am a bitch. I am bossy, pissy, I complain, I have a bad attitude and a scowl on my face. I do not know why, it just happens. Today was one of those days. Other times I am not so bitchy. I might still complain or be bossy, but not so pissy. This is not what I thought I would write about, but I guess I needed to get it out. I hope that someday I can recognize, acknowledge, and move on from this bad attitude. Only twelve more words for this day and then it is done.
I always have certain expectations of events. Sometimes those expectations are correct, but most of the time I get frustrated. I wish that I could just accept things and experiences for what they are. I would like to not get frustrated when the actual event/experience does not meet my expectation. I wonder how much happier or maybe just content I would be. Sometimes I am aware of the expectation and then I can accept the outcome, but sometimes I do not even know that I have an expectation until I feel disappointed. Then I realize it was my expectation.
I worked in the yard today, made soup, took a nap, watched a fire, hugged my kids, and enjoyed life. I was aware of what was happening. I did not let life happen to me. I noticed the nice, cool breeze. I lit a candle and smelled the wonderful Fall scent. I watched a roaring fire in our fireplace. I made my kidsí beds with love. I helped my daughter spell words. I noticed that my son kissed my hair when I left his room tonight. If only I noticed each day like I noticed this day. I will try!
I wanted to leave. I wanted to say, "I've had enough and now I need to go." Not because I was mad, but just because I was done. Done with talking, laughing, making jokes, being the joke, teasing, smiling, pretending. I walked away from it. I wanted to cry. I wanted the flood gates to burst open. I also wanted to pull myself together, suck it up and act like all was fine. And what did I do? I pulled myself together. I put on a smiley face and continued with the work ahead: always taking care of EVERYONE ELSE!!!
I have run 15 marathons. I want to run one in every state. I wonder if I can name the 15 I have already run...Disney, Pittsburg, Chicago, Cincinnati, Dallas, Duluth, Ames, Des Moines, San Diego, Kansas City, Abilene, Detroit, Tulsa, Little Rock, Marine Corps. Yippee...I did it. Technically I have not run in 15 states. I ran Washington, D.C. and twice in Iowa. But I still have run 15 marathons. That's a bunch...but I keep looking to finishing my goal. It seems I haven't even stopped to see what I have accomplished. Wow..that is amazing.
I do not really pray anymore. I might read a little of this or a little of that at mealtimes. I enjoy what I do read, but I don't necessarily bow my head and pray. I'm okay with that, but I do wish I would notice the things around me that I am grateful for...I was reminded of this the other day from my 4 year old son. We were sitting on a picnic bench having lunch and he looked at the trees and said, "Thank you trees for the shade." It was so simple, and so extremely wonderful.
worrier, controlling, bossy, bitch, mean, outspoken, unsure, demanding, not nice, control freak, opinionated, judgmental, zity...ugh...those are things i have said to myself today. i haven't been feeling so great. i think writing it down helped. i think feeling it helped. some of the things i dont mind, but maybe i do mind. feeling unsure, questioning myself. dont know why...well, i do know why, but its silly. i dont feel like capitalizing today. that's silly. just write even though what i say doesnt matter. no one listens anyway. talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, its all meaningless and unheard.
I went on a field trip with my daughter's class. It was to an animal sanctuary. They had lions, ligers, wolves, snakes, etc. And my daughter was asked what her favorite animal was...she said, the cat...that's right...she loved the tabby house cat that was roaming around all of the exotic animals. So honest. I love that, her honesty. I was in a bad mood during the field trip. I am taking on too much when I am around kids. I'm not the teacher, I'm the mom. I'm there to be with my kid and have fun, right?
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
I am experiencing something. I can't put my finger on it, but something is happening. I have feelings of doubt, anxiety, control, anger, hurt, happiness, and I don't know why. That is the most frustrating for me. I can't name what is happening, but I know that something is going on. I realized tonight that one thing that is happening is that I am not having fun with friends. Weird? Yes. True? Maybe. Why? I don't know. What is fun, anyway? And is it even fun or something else. This all sounds so dumb. Ugh...I will sit with it.
Today was the birthday of a friend of mine. I would even say on of my best friends at the time. I met her when I was pregnant with my first child. Friends are interesting to me. Some say they are like seasons, arriving in our lives for a certain time and then moving on. That's sad to me. Something happened between us and our friendship hasn't been the same since. It was almost as if I chose others over her. Maybe this saddens me the most. I really liked her, but I don't know if I ever knew her.
I wish life had a time out option. It would be nice to just put my hands together in the shape of a T and let everyone around me know that I am taking a time out. Instead, I talk when I have to. Smile when it's appropriate. Laugh when I should. I'd like to just run away. I was asked recently why I run. I run to be alone. I run to be with people. I run to forget. I run to remember. I run to think. I run to empty my brain. I run for so many reasons.
I would like to find a hole to jump into. I want it to be deep enough for no one to hear me scream. I want it to be far enough away for no one to find it. I want it to be cozy enough that I can sleep in it. I want it to be dark enough so that I don't know that one day is over and another has begun. I want it to be big enough that I have room to stay a while. I want it to be small enough that no one will find me.
I got a call this morning that my grandmother is in the hospital. She is 81 years old. She has not been doing well, but I don't really know why. Maybe because she's 81, or she had a massive stroke 5 years ago, or she's had shingles in the past couple of years, or no one takes cares of her? Well, my grandfather takes care of her, but my mom says, "They're just ignorant!" I think I might shout if I hear her say that one more time. I am tired of hearing the same thing over and over. AAAAHHHHH!!!
I was born on the 15th of January. I have always loved cold, winter, snow, ice. I wonder if this is because I was born in the winter or because I have fond memories of winter. With birthdays, Christmas, family vacations, it was always a good time of year. I remember one day when I was in elementary school, it snowed so much, we had early release from school. It was so fun to see the huge flakes coming down and sticking to the ground. In kindergarten, I took a black piece of construction paper and caught a snowflake. Beautiful!
I LOVE Survivor! I think I would like to be a contestant on the show. What I wouldn't like is the TV part. I don't want to have cameras around me or questions asked about me or anything like that. I would love to live on an island, compete in challenges, and just survive the elements. I think it would be fun to work together to survive, not necessarily try to vote everyone off. Maybe that wouldn't be so Survivor-ish, but I think it would be fun! I think I would need an island with fruit trees and eggs.
Soon I will run my 16th marathon. This is something that I am very excited about. I will run because I can. I will run because it makes me happy. I will run to be part of a community. I will run for solitude in a sport that is for the individual. I will run to enjoy the sun's rays on my face, shoulder, and back. I will run and notice my foot touching the pavement, connecting me to the earth. I will run for all of those who have gone before me and can no longer run their run.
My daughter is a joy to be around. Each night, she asks if she can give me one more hug. I will never say no to one more hug. She shares her love. She's reading English, now. I love to listen to her reading to herself. She thinks no one can hear her, but I can. My face lights up and my mouth easily turns into a huge grin. She now has a diary. She writes a few things that are important to her and she is willing to share those thoughts. I am thankful she is in my life.
My son is definitely the energizer bunny! He keeps going and going and going. His energy is inspiring. He wakes up all cuddly and quiet and about two seconds later, he is ready to attack the world. He has a wonderful imagination and enjoys life. Right now he wears boots...everyday. His teachers call him "Bootsy." It makes him feel special. He is easy to be around, he is helpful, he loves his big sister and would do anything for her. He loves lollipops and all kinds of candy. If given a choice, he would choose candy for every meal.
Today was the last day with the boxing instructor that I love. She pushes me even when I can't think I can do anymore. I get excited when my body is pushed to limits. I wonder how much it can handle. I don't think I have ever really tried so hard to fatigue. I wonder what that would look like, feel like, be like. I might have to try it one of these days. I would like to try it running. I have a perfect opportunity in a week. I think I'm scared to fail, but I've got to try.
The gray cloud might be lifting. It is too early to say it is gone, but I definitely see light. I feel lighter. Like a weight has been lifted. Maybe it's talking about it, admitting it, saying..."I am depressed." Sometimes just speaking the words are helpful. Life is such an interesting journey. I am excited to explore, ponder, sit with, examine, and ultimately I will try to figure it out. I just need to remember to enjoy the ride, no matter how bumpy, curvy, flat, or seemingly endless it may seem. There is always something different that lies ahead.
I have loved being a stay at home mom. Now, it's a little different and I am adjusting to this life. My kids are both in school, so no more daily activities of zoo or aquarium or playing at the park. We now have a wake-up ritual and breakfast, a getting out of the car ritual and pick-up from school ritual, and of course, there is the going to bed ritual. I love these specific, special times of the day. The kids' faces light up and my heart swells with love for them and the connection we make.
Rainbows make me happy. Coffee makes me happy. Hugs make me happy. Writing in my journal makes me happy. Baking chocolate chip cookies makes me happy. Running makes me happy. Memories make me happy. Roses make me happy. Friends make me happy. Laughing makes me happy. Road trips make me happy. Snow skiing makes me happy. Beaches make me happy. Hiking in the mountains makes me happy. Taking the dog for a walk makes me happy. Pizza makes me happy. Campfires make me happy. My husband makes me happy. My kids make me happy. Living makes me happy. Happy, happy!
Here are some things I remember about my Nannie: traveling, camper travel trailer, praying, family gatherings, breakfast in the garden room, trip to Lake Tenkiller, pancakes, peppermint patties, Piggly Wiggly, flowers, flowers in a bathtub, clocks, cake plates, many years of marriage, dolls, sewing, go with the flow, showing up whenever, no plans, church, lots of church, building churches, China, Japan, Africa, sometimes gifts for birthdays, sometimes gifts for Christmas, jewels, pink, sweets, big Bible, Baptist church, walking to Post Office, walking to great-grandfather's house, pink formal living room, McNine Reunion, lots of love for friends, family, and all.
Kids love Halloween. Candy, pumpkin carving, costumes, scary or silly, fall weather, orange and black. My kids are dressing up as a ninja and a vampire princess this year. They love their costumes and would probably wear them everyday if I let them. I will dress as a flapper from the 1920's. It is the first year that I have dressed up in a long time. I think I might enjoy dressing as something other than myself. A way to hide and be someone or something else for one night. Maybe that is why some people are actors and actresses.
I am almost 35 years old. I wonder what I will do with the next 35 years? For this 35 years, I have survived and thrived in elementary school, middle school, and high school. I graduated from college. I got a Master's degree. I married my best friend. I lived in five different states. I have given birth to two fabulous children. I have run 15 marathons. I have made wonderful friends all over the states and other countries. I have traveled to Bulgaria, Spain, London, and Italy. I have made a house my home. I have loved my life.
My Nannie died today. She was 81 years old. She was married 64 years to the same person. She had three children, six grandchildren, and twelve great-grandchildren. She traveled all over the United States and the world. She cooked wonderful peppermint candy. She loved sweets. She loved life. She loved her family. She loved God. She was always happy to go and do and the past few years kept her from doing that. She suffered from pain, strokes, and finally a spinal infection. Her last days were spent in a bed not moving. I am thankful for her life!
I wonder how long I will live? That's a question that sometimes I would like the answer to. I think that I would like to make some preparations, maybe a few letters here and there. I wonder if my days would be spent differently? Maybe the answer to that is that I need to live each day to the fullest. I think I have been able to do that for the past few days, I would just really like to stay aware of my "happiness" and continue the joy and feelings that come along with it. I am so thankful.
The month of October was very hard, very depressing. Definitely a valley in my life. I am beginning the hike up the mountain. The view from the top is much better, but I needed the valley in order to appreciate the mountain. I have many people to be thankful for. I am thankful for hard times and friends to turn to. I am thankful for times of joy and friends to celebrate with. I am thankful that hard times can come and go. I'm thankful for retreats :) I wish I had a specific favorite color. Maybe I'll work on that?!
Breathe in and breathe out, breathe in and breathe out, breathe in and breathe out, breathe in and breathe out, breathe in and breathe out, breathe in and breathe out, breathe in and breathe out, breathe in and breathe out, breathe in and breathe out, breathe in and breathe out, breathe in and breathe out, breathe in and breathe out, breathe in and breathe out, breathe in and breathe out, breathe in and breathe out, breathe in and breathe out, breathe in and breathe out, breathe in and breathe out, breathe in and breathe out, breathe in and breath out.
Halloween is always lots of fun. Dressing up, trick or treating, friends, happy kids, laughing, lots of chocolate! This year, I decided to let the kids eat whatever they wanted. It was very fun to see their faces when they would ask if they could have something and I kept saying yes. My son loves, loves, loves candy. I think he thought it was his lucky day. My daughter loves chocolate. She was very happy to have the yummy chocolate candy. I hope the love of Halloween and holidays will continue into their lives and on for generations to come.
The Tip Jar