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For the past few weeks, I have been thinking of what I would write for the first entry. Now, here I am and I want to write about an event that has just happened with a 5 year old little boy. His mom found $50.00 in his pocket, and yes, it came from our house. He came over to return the money and apologize. I cannot imagine the thoughts going on inside his little head. He was crying and apologetic. Hmmm, the lessons we learn all begin so early in life and continue throughout. Life...what an amazing, hard journey.
Reading is something that I used to hate. I wonder when the shift happened that I have fallen in love? I enjoy picking up a book someone has recommended, I love browsing the new books in the store, and I am filled with joy to read board books and picture books with my kids. My earliest memory of reading aloud was horrible! I was so bad at reading, I was required to read each night to my parents. One night I read, "de-ter-min-ded." I remember my dad laughing out loud. As an adult, I laugh....as a child, I cried.
Cancer...it's never a word I want to hear. Too many people around me are experiencing it in a way that I don't want to, not that they wanted to, either. Terminal cancer has invaded my friend's life. And now, talking about everyday life seems meaningless. To live each day to the fullest sounds so great. It sounds easy, but in reality, it's very hard. I try to stay "present" and "mindful," but I'm often in never, never land, thinking of what I should be doing or what I was doing, or maybe even what I want to be doing.
Today I've wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. Why? No specific reason and 100 different reasons. From little things, expectations not being met, to big things, what am I here to do with my life. I feel sad, blue, depressed, frustrated, confused, helpless, tired, over worked, and under appreciated. I know that many of those things are just in my mind, but right now they are REAL. When I feel like this, I don't really know how to change it. Tomorrow, I will wake up and wear the mask of the person I am "supposed" to be.
Today seems to be a better day. I have actually taken time for myself. A walk, a shower, lunch...it's amazing how a little self love can help. I truly believe that the more I take care of myself, the more I can take care of others. The problem is actually remembering it and doing it. The times that I feel the worst, usually are the times that I have given every ounce of my being away. Lately, life seems like a puzzle that I am trying to put together and reclaiming me is the missing piece of that puzzle.
Today was a good day...running, waffles with peanut butter and syrup, coffee with vanilla creamer, reading the newspaper, playing with kids, working with friends, eating pizza, preparing for the upcoming church year, showing something I have worked on and feeling proud of it, napping, reading, enjoying time with the family, playing games at an arcade, more pizza, yummy cinnamon rolls, bowling, drinking Dr. Pepper, watching the kids enjoy an ice cream cone, playing miniature golf, giving hugs and getting hugs, giving and getting kisses, running to the car holding my child's hand and good night stories...very good day!
Today is my Gramma's birthday. She would have been 88. She died in February 2004, in my opinion, way too early. In her opinion, way too late. My grandfather had died many years before that. The Christmas before she died, she got pretty sick. It was time to move her away from the home she had lived in for 50 years and I knew she wouldn't make it long after that. I asked her where she wanted to go and she replied, "I want to be 6 feet under, next to John." I'll never forget you, Gramma, I love you.
So, technically I'm writing 2 days today and I feel like a failure. I even logged on yesterday to write and I didn't feel "ready," so I decided to wait. And then what happened...the day, the events, book club until late. When I came home, the husband was sleeping, it was after midnight and I stayed awake thinking about not writing. Craziness...how can something like writing 100 words a day keep me up into the wee hours of the night? Today, I will forgive myself for missing a day and will take the time to write and grow.
It's time to write about "the event." Even thinking about it makes my heart beat faster, my breathing gets deeper, the blood in my arms and legs begin to tingle. I do not know what to say or how to start. "The event," for me, was very traumatic. I was robbed at gunpoint one night in May. In the driveway of my own house, my safe haven. Well, it was, until "the event." The question I continue to ask is, "Will I ever feel totally safe again?" And at this point in time, the answer is still "NO, never again!"
I'm frustrated. What exactly is frustrating is kind of an interesting questions. Friends, day to day activities, life. Name it, it seems frustrating to me. I don't feel like I have a many connections with people. It's interesting to think about, because I probably do have lots of connections with people, I guess the problem is actually spending time with them. I feel like I'm in a funk and don't know how to get out of it. Today I read something about fatigue, fear, and some other "f" word and how to change. Hmmm...hopefully soon, the funk will leave.
September 11th, a day filled of death, life, love, and tears. It has been a day that had me laughing, dancing, smiling and also had me depressed, crying, thinking, and pondering my own death. I have come to the conclusion that I am not ready to die. I have a job to do here on earth. I have children to love, raise, guide, and just be with. I have plans and a future. I don't exactly know what, but I do know that what I am doing right now is what I'm supposed to be doing right now. Live life!
My heart hurts. My muscles seem tight. My breathing is shallow. My blood pressure is rocketing. All because of questions, whining, needs not being met, toys being taken away. Has it always made my body react? Is this new? Why does my heart seem to ache? So many questions and no time for answers. Why can't a 2 year old have patience? Why can't a big sister just let her little brother play with some toys? And why does it seem to matter so much? Surely there are more things, bigger things to worry about in this world?! Please help!
I am tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired.
Friends are interesting to think about. I have had many friends throughout my life. Some are still with me, others have moved on, some are my friends, but we haven't talked in a long time. I always wonder what makes some people come into my life and then stay. Is it a deep connection? Is it a common interest that we share? Is it children the same age? Or maybe it's just because our parents were friends? I guess whatever the circumstance, people have come in and out of my life and I am who I am because of them.
I think of writing my 100 words everyday. If it's too early in the morning, I wait until I have something "better" to write. However, each day, I log on to my 100 words account and type in my email address and password and everyday I think..."I should write about my password." It's a very interesting thought process, and I'm hoping now that I have written about it, I won't have to keep thinking, "I should write about my password." And now, at the end of my 100 words, I really didn't say what I thought I would say?!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck. It's been a long day, fun, tiring, frustrating, filled with laughter and mean words to a loved one. Not the best day, but certainly not the worst. The galloping grumps (thank you Winnie the Pooh) hit again. It's amazing how one persons actions and feelings can just jump onto another. That's what happened here today. All was going well, and then BAM! hit by the galloping grumps. It happens in this house, at work, in the neighborhood, at a store...one person's attitude directly affects other people's attitudes. We are interconnected.
I am in a place in my life where I can't see the near future. After my first child, I knew that I would continue to be a stay at home mom and have another child. After my second child, life is not so "put together." I love being a mom, I love playing with children, I love "teaching" the kids. I think I'm really good with kids, but I don't know if that's my future. I know that I need to just let life continue and be thankful for each moment, but why do I feel so in between?
I have wanted to write down all the funny or crazy things that my children say, however, I haven't been the best at doing that. I always think I will remember, but the sad truth is that I will forget most things. So, for today, I will write a couple of great kid moments. My 2 year old son found a 5 dollar bill in my purse. He asked me what the pictures were on each side. I told him Abraham Lincoln and he says, "like a penny?" WOW...amazing! After nap he said he dreamed of pirates and swords.
I was running with 2 people a few weeks ago and before 8am, one runner was able to offend every people group. The thing that pissed me off is that she did it in a way that she thought was funny. What pissed me off more is that I said nothing. I froze. Well, not literally, but I said absolutely nothing. Some things, I don't let by, but obviously others just slip by. However, it stays with me forever. What can I say? How can I say it? Why do I care if I offend her if I say something?
Today my daughter went to a Princess Party. It's not so bad, the princess stuff, but the party was at a new friends' house. The new friend goes to a different church. I know it's very different from what I believe and what I will teach my children. Here's my problem. I am scared they will "find out" where we go to church and then they won't let their daughter be friends with my daughter. Silly? Crazy? Real? Maybe. When that day comes, what will I say to my sweet princess? I want to be brave and speak the truth.
Today is my grandfather's birthday. He is 82. My feelings are very different for him than they are for my grandmother. I love him, but I don't have raw emotional love for him. That's hard to read and weird to think about. I haven't spoken to him or even seen him a lot in my life. Most years, I would see him at least once or more, but it's different. I wish him the best, I accept him as my family, but where is the emotional attachment? I wonder how many more birthdays or even days he will still live...
Ignorance is just not acceptable. I am so frustrated right now by stupid emails that are false and are continued to be passed along and along and along spreading lies. The other reason it's so frustrating is because it's my mom passing information around to anyone she can send it to. UGH!!! If I could shout right now, I would. Not at her, or anyone in particular, just because. I checked out the information myself and then replied to all the other recipients of her email and for that I feel kind of bad. At the same time, I'm okay.
I really want to write about something other than children, but right now thatís the only thing in my mind. So...I'll stop trying to think of something more profound to write about and I'll write about discipline problems in classrooms. Now that I only have 50 words to write, it seems that I won't get to say all that is trapped in my head. My main thing is I feel sad for children who are "discipline problems." I want to make a school that can have one teacher to one student ratio. I think I might need a zillion dollars!
The mind and body connection are fascinating to me. I have begun a class to focus on these two areas of myself. I have been a bit overwhelmed recently at the bodily responses I have from a specific event. Quickened, shallow breathing, jittery hands and legs, and just an overall sense of anxiety. I hope that this class will help. It will atleast give me 2 or more hours a week to focus on me. These days, that is more than I have been giving to myself! I have been forced to re-examine my life. For that I am thankful.
Each night I sing a song to my son. It goes like this: "Goodnight, Baby, sleep tight my love. May God watch over you from above." I hold him in my arms and rock with each word. I try to look him in the eyes and let him know how much I do love him. He usually grabs onto my hair and holds on until the song is over. Iíve done this from the first night I put him to bed and I will continue to sing this until he wants me to stop. We have a connection each night.
I sing to my daughter each night I put her to bed. I trace a heart around her face and sing ďHush little baby.Ē Even though she is 5 years old, she loves the song. She asked me to sing it to her 2 years ago and she has asked each night since. It amazes me that she continues to want the song. There is a connection with her while I sing and trace the heart. It allows her to know and feel the love that I have for her. Iím so thankful for the time and connection with her.
We lived in Pennsylvania for three Fall seasons. I will always remember and be thankful for that experience. It was the first time I realized that Fall is a true season. Growing up, I experienced two seasonsÖSummer and Winter. Fall is a season that could stay around for a while. Fall is cool weather. Fall is playing at the park. Fall is long walks with the dog. Fall is beautiful colors. Fall is long sleeve shirts. Fall is pumpkins and scarecrows. Fall is caramel apples. Fall is Halloween and carnivals. Fall is an extra hour of sleep. Fall is here.
It's amazing how good how feel after I clean out stuff. It really doesn't matter what it is, clothes, toys, dirt, etc. It's good to just clean out and make room for something else. The something else might be new clothes or even new toys or maybe just nothing. A moment of peace in a world of chaos, that's a little how I feel. At any given moment, I wouldn't say my life or world is chaotic, but stepping back and cleaning out makes me realize the peace that can be. Itís as if the space allows for more reflection.
Silence is not something that I would have said I ever really needed. That is until I produced a little guy that talks all the time. And when I say all the time, I mean it. I know that I talk a lot, but I feel like I am no competition to this little man. He can say the same word or phrase over and over again until I think I might pull my hair out. I often think to myself, ďCan he just be quiet for one minute?Ē Heck, sometimes I would take one second! I now appreciate silence.
I made it!!! Thirty days of writing 100 words. There were days that I didnít even know that I had something to write about. There were days when I could have written 1,000 words. There were days when all I could think about was when I would have time to sit and write. There were days when I laughed at something I would write. And of course, there were days that I cried at the words that came out on the paper. I donít know if Iíll ever make another month of 100words, but for this month I am proud.
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