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Yes, I am back for this month. I donít know what made me want to be. I just guess I have a lot on my mind right now and I feel like typing it all to get it out of my head. I have been doing my ďmorning pages,Ē but I guess that isnít enough for me. I have too many thoughts rolling around in my head and I need to get them ALL out. I figured this month was as good as any. 100 words is not bad to write. I figured that it would be a breeze. HA!!
I quit last time at the end of another month because it was just becoming a hassle to me to write these little 100 word paragraphs. I felt that it just wasnít enough to get the thoughts out of my head, but right now it just feels right. I donít know. I guess I just have lots on my mind recently and nowhere to jot them down at. I donít know. I feel like my life is a little upside down right now. I will have to make a concious effort to get it right again. Iíll figure it out!!
I went clothes shopping tonight with my husbandís insistance. I donít know why I agreed to that because I was miserable when I came home. Yes, I had 4 new pants, but I donít exactly LOVE them. I just got them because they FIT (barely). I went up another size. I am now in the very last size that normal stores carry in the womenís section and I am not too happy about it. I only have myself to blame though. No one else but me. If I would just get off my ass and move maybe it wouldnít be.
Whew!! I donít know what I was thinking trying to write these again. I already have enough stuff on my plate as it is. Oh well, I can do this. It isnít that hard. It is just 100 words. Although, I could be taking this time (and most of the time I spend on the computer) to do something else like exercise or paint. I donít know. I guess every little thing I choose to do throughout the day will help me shape my life in some way. If writing these words helps me be sane then itís worth it.
Back to work today. I donít have to work in the kitchen anymoreÖyay!! I am so excited about that. No more ruining my clothes with bleach or spaghetti sauce. No more wearing a hat over my hair or listening to the other kitchen worker babble on about nothing. I am so glad that I will be back in a regular classroom. My schedule will be unpredictable again and I kind of like that. I donít like knowing where I will be everyday. At any moment I could be pulled somewhere else. I love that! Tomorrow will be with the 3ís!
My hubby is on his computer right now, trying to fix it. I think he finally got it done. I wish that he would hurry up though because I miss him. We have been so busy lately that we havenít been able to spend any quality time together. I guess that means that I should get off my computer now too huh? This is the last thing I have to do anyway. I finished all of my blogging and other stuff already. I think he just turned off his computer. Yay! I guess he just read my mind! Bye now!
Oh my goodness, why am I in such a bad mood this morning. I shouldnít be! Ugh!! I am arguing with my hubby already and about something so stupid. I need to get a grip and just get happy. I have been cranky for the passed few weeks and it is driving me crazy. I donít know what my problem is. Those are always my words ďI donít knowĒ. I think that should be printed on my headstone or somethingÖĒI donít knowĒ. That would be great. That or ďI am tiredĒ. That would make for a tough decision. Weíll see.
All I have to say is, ďItís about damn timeĒ. My May ďbatchĒ button has been gone. Everyday I tried to write my words, but I couldnít. It was really discouraging me. I reported the problem. I know the rules say that you arenít supposed to write more than one a day, but today I have to just to catch up from what I missed (about a week). It is NOT my fault. The site had a bug so to speak and it wouldnít let me into write for the day. I am now going to play catch up. UGH!!!
Exerpt from: Breathe by Telepopmusik You may shoot me with your words, You may cut me with your eyes, You may kill me with your hatefulness, But still, like air, I'll rise. Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise That I dance like I have got diamonds At the meeting of my thighs? Out of the huts of history's shame I rise Up from a past that's rooted in pain I rise I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide, Welling and swelling I bear in the tide. Leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise
Say yes to the possibility ofÖ Gardening, art, jewelry making, cooking, losing weight, sex, baking, painting, scrapbooking, decorating, exercising, coloring, great conversation, art, video making, house cleaning, playing, running, relaxing, art. Say yes to the possibility ofÖ Collaging papers, cleaning out clutter, art, drawing, saying no to food, writing, loving others, being active, having faith in myself, art, filling millions of sketchbooks, enjoying life, loving myself, organizing, working, art, more sex, being a parent, art journaling, no more fears, art, making my own journals, resting, Say yes to the possibility ofÖ Getting smaller in size, self-confidence, smiles, less hate, HAPPINESS!!!
I need to get on all fours to work out my butt area. I need to walk the treadmill FAITHFULLY!!!!!!!!!! I need to work out my arms with my weights and do crunches. I also need to JUMP (even without a rope)!! That wouldnít take me too long. Even if I would just do one of these a day. I just need to get off my butt period. Itís my own fault that I look like this and only I can do something about it. I need to post a fat picture of me somewhere. Maybe on the refrigerator door.
I love my blog. I use it as a journal of some sort about my life. I mainly try to showcase my art work their, but sometimes life over spills on the pages. I try to be more honest with my readers, too. I would like them to know about me, about my life and what I do with my time, but itís hard. I donít feel like anyone really cares about what I do. I mean, not that I donít have faithful readers, but there arenít a lot of them. I guess it is quality, not quantity, that counts.
I didnít have supper tonight. I figured that if I donít eat I might lose a little bit of something over night. I guess that wonít last very long though, because now my husband is cooking and it smells really good. I canít say no to food. That is my whole problem. Well, that and the fact that I donít move or anything. I have gained like 100 pounds in that passed few years. That is WAY TOO MUCH for anyone (especially someone who is short). Ugh! I donít know what to do. I lie, I know what to do.
My auntís birthday was this week. We totally decorated at our office. We put up black balloons and put black streamers all over. I also made her a HUGE banner to put on the fence outside so everyone else would know about her birthday, too. It was a big oneÖher 40th. I know, thatís not old, but it sure was fun surprising her. She was shocked. She ran around pulling down all the embarrassing pictures that we put up of her. It was hilarious. I tried to take lots of pictures, but it was hard because she kept running around.
My husband is watching a scary movie right now. I am so glad that I canít see it (or hear it), for that matter, because I wouldnít be able to sleep tonight. I hate scary movies. I always have. I figure real life scares me enough, I donít need to scare myself with movies or anything else. I donít know. I just never got into them. I never got into the whole ďscary movieĒ thing. Not that I have never seen one before, but I just donít want to expose myself to that. I just donít need to, at all.
I am so annoyed. My fucking computer is giving me problems with my video. I have enough stuff in my life to annoy me, I sure donít need it from my computer too. I live my life annoyed. I donít know how my husband puts up with me. I am only happy like a couple of times a day. The rest of the time, I spend it depressed. Isnít that fun? Ha!! Not a chance. I was on medicine awhile, but even that didnít work. I donít know what to do now. I will just have to fake the happiness.
I hope we can go do something today. I donít know what though, because I probably wonít like anyplace we go. I donít like people looking at me and I donít like to go out into public. I guess I have lots of problems. I donít even know why I am here on earth. Is is to make everyone around me miserable, because that is what I feel like I do. I am afraid to have a kid too, because I sure donít want to fuck up itís life. I probably will though because their mom is fucked up too.
All my husband wants to do is make me happy, but he doesnít know how. He tries all the time, but there isnít anything he can do. All I do is make him miserable and then it just makes me feel bad. Our anniversary was yesterday and he bought me a very expensive ring. I was kinda mad at him because we were supposed to be saving that money and of course I messed up again. I know that he isnít upset or anything, but I didnít know what else to do. I wasnít happy about him spending the money.
Maybe we can go to Hobby Lobby. I can get art stuff and try to cheer myself up. That would only be temporary though. I am rarely happy for more than five minutes at a time. Ugh!! I hate myself. Why canít I be one of those normal, happy people. Or is everyone else faking it too. I just donít know. I get tired of faking the happiness. I want to be happy for real and I donít want to have to take medicine to get there. I donít know. I told you that should be printed on my headstone.
I have a really bad temper and I get mad for anything. I am very irrational too when it comes to getting mad. I will be mad over the stupidess things. I donít know why. I just do. My husband has kinda learned to stay away from me when I am like that, but he still has a lot to learn (or maybe I do). I donít know. I just donít know. I am so mad right now and it will probably ruin the whole day. We are supposed to be doing fun stuff, but I wonít let that happen.
I am so glad that we have a three day weekend coming up. Not that we are doing anything special. We are supposed to be celebrating our anniversary, but there isnít anything to do in town except shopping and stuff like that so I donít know what we are going to do. I guess we will just go to a restaurant and a movie like we ALWAYS do. I really donít like to do anything else because that would require moving. I know. I suck!! You are probably asking yourselfÖwhy am I reading what this pathetic person has to say?
I know. I just keep droning on about my pathetic life everyday, but thatís what it is. One big vicious cycle. I just donít know how to end it. I donít know how to get any happier than I am now. Not that that is really happy, but I guess things could be worse. I tell myself this all the time. I could have a much worse life then I do, but it still doesnít work. I am still miserable all the time. I donít like being miserable, but obviously I do because I am not doing anything about it.
What am I going to say? Maybe I should lie and say that my life is wonderful. I have a wonderful life (I like that movie) and I am so happy that I donít know what to do with myself, but lying would be wrong. I know this because I used to lie all the time and my mom would fuss at me. I was a bad kid, maybe that is why my brain is fucked up now. It doesnít know how to listen and be good so, it wants to still be bad and unhappy. I knowÖDRAMA QUEENÖthatís me.
I have not been doing much this weekend. I am just hanging out and doing artwork. My brother just showed up. Yay!! I get to visit with him. He actually came to do his clothes. There isnít any point in him paying for the use of a laundromat when he can use my momís for free. I am now on my computer just doing stuff. I just watched all of my YouTube videos and I am now going to check my blogs. I havenít done that in a few days so this might take awhile. My eyes will hurt later.
Today is Memorial Day. My mom and dad are having a little get together with the family. They are cooking ribs, green beans, home made bread, baked beans, banana bread for dessert, and cucumbers. It should be good. I love it when my mom/dad cooks because I try to cook like them and it never happens. My friend just came over and she colored her hair much darker than ever before. She likes it though so thatís good. She colored it like a dark brown and she put blonde streaks in it. Everyone at work is going to freak out!!
I am just so glad I am home now. I finally get to rest for a little while. I donít know what I am doing tomorrow. I donít have to work so I plan on staying home. I might just do some art work or maybe read some books that I have. I donít know yet. I will see what I feel like when I wake up. Maybe I can watch movies all day. Weíll see. I will definitely be on the computer for a while. I am watching TV right now. I am loving these new reality shows. Genius!!!
I have just sat here all day and done nothing. Absolutely nothing. I lie. I watched TV, read a book and played on my computer. Of course all of those things can be done sitting down. Now you know why my body is shaped like it is. I donít move (unless I have to go to work) and then, I can sit at work too. I have a total problem. I need to move some more. Maybe I wouldnít feel so fat, out of shape, tired, old, bored. You name it, I feel it. I really wish I didnít though.
I need to stop beating myself up about things. I am not fat!!! I am talented!! I can do anything!! Those are the things I should be telling myself everyday. Maybe I need to make an affirmation board and post it up somewhere that I will see it all the time. Like the mirror in the bathroom or on the fridge or maybe at the desk in my art room. I donít know. I always seem to make something like that and then I never look at it because it reminds me of how I am not those things. Ugh!!!
I was supposed to work today. It has been scheduled for a while now. My boss called me this morning and said that there was a mix-up and that she really didnít need me today. I guess she isnít very organized, but thatís okay. I donít mind not working today. Any day that I can stay home and just do anything I want to is a good day. I am going to go shopping and do art work and play on my computer. Maybe that is why I still feel like a child, but is that a bad thing? Nope!!!!
Oh my goodness! I canít believe that itís the end of the month already. It will be June in just two days. That is crazy. I couldnít wait for summer to get here and it finally is. I went swimming for the first time the other day. It was so fun. Every winter I forget how much fun swimming really is. I love to just be able to float in the water. It is the only place where I donít feel heavy. I love to tread water. I love it if the water is cool and the sun is out.
My husbandís grandma died early this morning. We are going to be with the family later to spend time with them. She had a heart attack around 1:00. Her boyfriend was with her, thank goodness. I am glad that she wasnít alone. Tomorrow is the wake and Tuesday is the funeral so guess how we will be spending part of our vacation. Yep, in mourning. Oh well, she is in a better place now and not suffering anymore. I am glad because she just kept having heart attacks and was always at the doctor. She was miserable, but not anymore.
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