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First day of summer. I left the others in a bar and took a cab home through the light party night. The driver, young enough to be my son, told me he graduated from high school last year. My graduation was twenty years ago. In the night, I hugged your t shirt hidden under the pillow. Morning was spent in a tired haze that turned into a self-pitying party at some point. But the music in the evening was beautiful and I wasnít too disturbed by her whom I didnít want to see. And I got my right earlobe licked.
She slammed the car door on her right index finger. I locked the door before I heard her scream in pain. What a timing. No x-ray needed. We got in and out from the doctor in less than half an hour. I hope she will be ok. Poor baby. I loved the evening. People I didnít really know, but we had a good time just talking and laughing and cursing and drinking. Sometimes I realize how lucky I am in so many ways. Life is easier when you have so much on your side. Wellness attracts wellness, wealth attracts wealth.
I thought the weather would be warmer but the wind was chillier than I had realized sitting indoors. I was wearing a light summer dress and a pair of decent shoes, no underwear. His touch was firm and warm and comforting, and I liked the way he smelled, I always do. He felt good and solid and at the same time small and in need of reassurance and resurrection. He laid down and faced the sky, and I lowered myself onto him and the phone rang and the ring tone was k.d.langís sexuality. An ant bit him in the ass.
It was a day full of emotions. Again. I seem to have these days all the time now. In my former life everything was covered with gray dust and I had taught myself not to feel so much. And now that I am in many ways much freer, the feelings hit me harder, too. I cry a lot more than I used to. I was close to tears I donít know how many times today. Most of them were anxiety, fear of losing him, fear of the future. And some tears were just because people were so kind to me.
I loved my hometown today. The weather continued to be warm. I wanted to mail something to him (a chocolate heart, tea bags, a newspaper I had read and decorated with my handwritten comments) so we started from the post office. The next four hours, we biked around the town and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves in our summer dresses. There were tons of people in the park by the lake, young, old, handsome boys with no shirts, families picnicking; so many people canoeing and sailing and windsurfing. And the flowers and the trees reminded me of my childhood in this town.
At the funeral today, I sat behind my eldest cousin. He is only a couple of years older than I am, but he looks much older. I think I would be scared if someone like him would approach me in the town. He looks tough and alcoholic, he probably is. He has scars in his face and skull that I donít even want to know where they came from. I know he used to beat his first wife. Itís difficult to see your cousin you used to play with being middle-aged and not too well. But he wasnít drunk today.
He woke me up in the morning. I loved it. This is how I want to wake up in the mornings. Afterwards, we ate breakfast together. Later, I watched some old episodes of Six Feet Under. I love it, and I love the characters in it. They are so lost in this world that it makes it easy to love them despite their flaws. In real world, itís not at all that simple to love the messy nutty people around you or the one you are yourself. I guess itís always most difficult to love yourself and especially forgive yourself.
How come some days feel SO long? If heís a part of my day, it tends to be so full of meaning that it just feels very long. My feelings were on their usual rollercoaster today. Didnít feel too good in the morning, got better during the rehearsal, on the way back home got into my anxious mode and managed to hurt him, God I hate hurting him as I know too much to want to do that; I donít think I wanted to, but I did. Now Iím in some sort of balance again. Or maybe itís the beer.
I talked to him in the afternoon. I was feeling blue and he was playing it down in a forced coolness. He said he would call me tonight even though we would be tired and not necessarily in a better mood. He didnít call. He sent me a text message later saying he couldnít and he was sorry for being so weak when I needed him. I have a mixture of emotions raging in me. Iím feeling lonely and hurt right now. Even though I understand him. Been crying for an hour now. Iím so easy to get rid of.
Another long day. I started with crying a lot, again. Then we sent messages to each other and then talked in the phone. It is difficult to talk about difficult themes. And even more difficult to talk in the phone when you canít see each other. It gets a little bit easier when you can see each otherís eyes and touch each other. Later that night, we celebrated with friends. I loved to sit next to him and chat in pleasant company, with friends. And I loved his hand on my knee under the table. Later, he was almost breathing.
Woke up feeling calm and centered and loving and good. It is a good way of meeting the world. I read a good book today Ė The Reluctant Fundamentalist by Mohsin Hamid. I really enjoyed it as it led me to new thoughts and ideas and gave me yet another way of looking at this world. There was a scene where the main character visited his native Lahore from New York where he was working, and he realized he was seeing everything through a strangerís non-sympathetic eyes, and he was ashamed of being so easily influenced by what other people thought.
I have had so many thoughts today. About marriages, relationships, divorces. I have had interesting conversations with myself (finding myself in the middle of a huge paradigm shift although I thought I had it all sorted out already), with him (god heís so beautiful + I love his brain), with my religious sister with more merciful opinions than I thought, and with my trendy friend with wild and free ideas of life. My brain is seriously overloaded, but luckily, at the moment, Iím feeling quite calm and zen(ish). My life is good, my life will be good, come what may.
I found a bottle of bad and cheap white wine in the cellar, and another bottle, too, red and good. I saved the quality wine but opened the white wine just so I could get some alcohol. I just felt like I wanted some. I have been cutting my alcohol consumption as I sort of keep asking myself: why do I want to drink? What is the point? What is it that Iím trying to achieve? I donít quite enjoy the numbness, or is it precisely what I crave for? Sometimes I love the recklessness enhanced by too much alcohol.
What a good day it was. I feel so happy and relieved. Iím sure Iím going to cry soon! Somehow, it feels that it was not only a big day for my son, but also a day of reconciliation with my ex. We managed to throw a party together with less quarreling than ever and with a better atmosphere in the party than ever during our long marriage. Everything worked out just fine, the food was delicious, we had plenty of everything (my family is notoriously lousy in estimating how much food is needed).
I did miss him a lot.
Today I was thinking that I will never ever again want to be in a relationship for all the wrong reasons. Nor do I want anyone to be in a relationship with me for all the wrong reasons. I want you to be with me because you want it, each day. I donít want you to be with me because you and I have a successful business or a hugely popular band or five kids together or cancer or whatever. Thatís just not enough. I donít want a relationship based on fear or lack of alternatives. Been there, done that.
Iím watching Lost. I watched some episodes when it ran the first time, but didnít really get it. Now I bought the first two seasons just because I got them so cheap. So, instead of watching Six Feet Under (I have seasons three and four waiting for me), Iím saving them for later (theyíre not going to make any more of that, you know) and watching Lost. Some of it I get, but mostly it just doesnít touch me. One thing I always wonder is how come the men get a beard but the womenís armpits stay smooth and silky.
I went to my former home today. Itís the place where I lived for eight years. My children still live there, every other week. Every other week they live with me. Today, I needed to wash some clothes, but the laundry room was booked so I couldnít do it at home. Thank you for letting me use your washing machine, ex husband! What a strange feeling it was to be there as a guest. He was not there. I borrowed the keys from the kids. I cried a bit, not out of sadness - I donít know what it was.
I had hoped that we could take it easy. That I could just relax a while. Sleep in his arms. When do I learn not to hope for too much? (Or am I hoping for too little???) He couldnít stay. So, what do I do? Instead of staying at the hotel, I rush out into the night and cry and drive and drive and cry until I canít stay awake anymore. I slept in my fíing car at a parking place in a remote railway station! But thatís the part I sort of enjoyed. Didnít enjoy the hysterical crying bit.
To continue my odd road trip, I drove 2 hours up north to have lunch with a former lover. We met earlier this spring, but before that, it was many years ago. He looked better than he used to; he isnít drinking so much anymore, and he exercises every day, he said. I remembered why I used to like him, and I also remembered why I couldnít stand him. Heís so bossy! He said he would like to be near me again. And that he has never felt so at ease as with me. Today, I felt cold and sad.
The day was fine. I was late for getting my friend from the railway station but she bumped into some old friends. Surprising, as none of them live close to the place. But itís summer so everybodyís travelling around. I was already calmer, and a bit detached from the hystery and pain the other day. Perhaps itís just that I try not to think too much. I canít bear the idea of losing him forever. And I canít bear the idea of nothing happening, ever. I feel like this has been going on for too long. But whatís the alternative?
I woke up late today. Last night, we stayed up until four or five and finished yet another bottle of red wine. She told me about some terrible things that had happened to her a long time ago. I didnít know what to say. But Iím glad she told me. Sometimes I worry about her. But sheís pretty strong nevertheless. Iím glad I have got to know her better. I so wished her relationship with the girl sheís been thinking about for half a year now would have continuedÖ But theyíre probably just as important to each other as friends.
I started my short summer trip to the country side with some hysterical feelings, but then got calmer and felt okay and actually good at the end, and then, this afternoon on my way home my car broke down! We had to wait two hours for someone to tow us back to civilization. I just donít need the extra expense and all the trouble! It all seemed to work out just fine, the guy who towed us said it didnít look that bad. But god Iím tired! Tomorrow Iím off to another trip, this time abroad and with my children.
My first visit to Berlin was in 1987 when I was 17. It was still very much a divided city with no change in sight. I loved the colorfulness of West Berlin, and our parents waited outside a disco on KurfŁrstendamm when my 15 year old sister and I danced with some US military. My father worked one summer in West Berlin in 1960s, in an institution for war invalids. He took them often to the Philharmonic Orchestraís concerts because they got in free. Cool to think that my father was young, in Berlin, and listening to Herbert von Karajan.
The children enjoy this city. They got accustomed to moving around with the U-Bahn really quick. The second day in Berlin, they were already like, ďwhy donít we take U1 and change to U2 in Nollendorf Platz, so weíll be at Alexanderplatz soonerď. We took a bus tour around the city. I love Berlin for it being so full of life and history. There are layers on layers on layers everywhere you look. And I love eating out in Berlin, there are so many choices and itís relatively inexpensive. Too bad the children arenít that crazy about trying new kitchens.
The cars started blowing their horns in the morning. All week long we had seen the excitement build up - Germany would meet Turkey in the semifinal of European championship in soccer. There is a huge Turkish population in Berlin, and every house, car, human being and dog were decorated with either the German or the Turkish flag, or both. We stayed at the hotel to watch the game. The sound of car horns, partying people, fire rackets etc. filled the city until late night. You canít not notice half a million drunken fans celebrating only a few miles away.
We spent a good day at the Berlin Zoo. In the evening, the children just wanted to take it easy at the hotel so I left them there and got into U-Bahn and Alexanderplatz. Just walking around among strangers, not having to care for anyone, not having to talk with anyone, just doing what I want to. Sitting in the U-Bahn and reading. Divisadero by Michael Ondaatje. On my way back to the hotel I got a message from him and it made me smile broadly, with tears running down my face, dropping to the cleavage of my summer dress.
Back home a short while before going to a brain drain/farewell party: Someone I barely know leaves the country to work elsewhere. I spent the evening chatting with people I didnít know about themes I didnít know anything about. Feeling light and careless, I did my best to keep my blood alcohol level as high as possible. I got home after the sun had already risen, after six a.m. There is so much beauty in the early morning when the sun lights up even the dullest of buildings, and when you can find some solace in the presence of strangers.
I slept three hours somewhere between drunkenness and hangover, sweating, feeling anxious about my life, and regretting the blood alcohol level thing from yesterday. I spent the day at a blues concert in a park, slowly recovering, lying in the grass, reading my bookÖ In the evening, I went to a club to hear a friend play Ė I was struck by the sheer emotionality of his music (very skillful, progressive stuff). I hadnít heard the main performer before, a popular band Ė they were good! Very powerful, intense presence, lots of young animal sexuality, and new-age lyrics Ė apparently a winning combination.
I woke up to my beeping mobile phone. It was a message from him. He misses me. Noticed that I had fallen asleep in the middle of messaging to him. I guess I must have been tired. I felt sorry for him because he easily worries about me being out late by myself. Havenít done much anything today, really. Iím off to the countryside tomorrow morning, and I havenít even started packing. But itís good to take it easy and be alone for awhile before spending a holy family spirit week at my parentsí summerhouse with absolutely everyone being there.
I was up really late again, was writing something to someone, and didnít really notice that it was 3.30 a.m. It was a slow awakening to this new day. Now I think I have managed to gather everything together. Off to get the kids from their father. Iím already hungry (wellÖ if you skip breakfast, thatís what you are bound to be) so itís going to be a quick stop somewhere soon. Itís about 4 hours drive to where Iím going. We are going to be 7 adults (Iím the single one) and 9 children. And 2000 trees to plant.
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