REPORT A PROBLEM
This was a glorious month to begin everything. It is also the right time to end it. Who am I? I am someone who loves deeply. Maybe, we'll get our time one day, but not now. Thank you for everything. Because of you, I now know that I'm not meant to be with Nerps now.
Because of you, I know that passion can exist between two people, to the point of insanity and delirium. Even if it's just on my part, I appreciate how you made me feel. I'll think of the moments we had and smile. You'll still smile.
I don't know what to do. What to think. There are people that I love that I can't forget. Would I risk hurting them for what I feel for you?
I don't know you... But I can't deny what I feel for you. Should I run and hide? Would that make me happy? Is it fair for everyone in the long run?
What if we continue... With silent exchanges and subtle caresses... Would that help anyone, really? I don't think it's ever better to stay silent.
But would I risk hurting the ones I love? But I don't feel wrong.
Here it is, the roof I fell from, straight to hell, half in love with you.
You grabbed my hand and hauled me back, hurtling to the stars and said, Scorched and tired lands are not enough for you, we laughed There you go, hit high on endless skies, lost in eternity.
How can you know me so well, I said I'd never let anyone in Just shows how big a fool I've been, to keep the world out while you danced, smiling and lonely, so beautiful a boy to distract me.
You see me; immortal and beloved. Like stars.
Walking down the main road is longer without you beside me to whisper, Hey look at those stars high in the sky, don't you wish to a part of them? And I'd answer, No. I'm glad to be with you.
We saw a kitten lying still and lifeless on the side of the road. You'd think he's sleeping if not for the bright glint in his sightless eyes. We swerve away from death that night.
I think of you and you think of me. I wish to think of another, but you've got all of me. Now I'll stand, wondering.
It's strange to be drifting this way, lost in a wondrous haze, thinking of you, missing sleep and watching the sun rise with a strange pain in my heart. Sometimes I jump in surprise. Sometimes I slump. Oh no. How can you do this to me?
I have decided to be strong about this. We cleared things up, didn't we? We are friends. We'll remain friends, no matter what. We're not in love. We're in serious weirdness, but nothing has been done that is irreversible.
We'll survive with this happy feeling, precisely because it brings joy, not pain or sorrow.
All day, I've thought of nothing but clouds, oceans and endless horizons, filled with old trees and new ones, littered with laughs of a million children.
And as a principle, Marj does not usually like to think of children. Must be because she's kind of like a child herself. Bunso kasi.
It's curious, being numb like this. Am I alive? The days pass me by, alternately long and dreadful, sometimes short and difficult. I can't choose what I want. There are so much feelings inside of me. It is... something I've never quite experienced before. I am confused and exhilarated.
We lay together in the morning, we both know we want to be together. Lying there, so close to you, I can't talk, I can't move. I know that if I did you might lean in and kiss me and we both talked. We can't have that.
So I lay there, aching to sink into you, even as there's a barrier between us. I feel you wanting me too. I run my fingers all around and you notice, I look up and there you are, staring down at me.
I jump, and bury my face, frightened. You whisper, "I'm sorry."
Today I woke up reaching for you. I had another experience... I was lost in you. It was painful. It was pleasurable. Now that I think about it, destructive.
Yesterday surprised me. I thought I didn't like you, want you as much as I initially did. I thought that by being upfront and honest with my feelings, it would gradually disappear.
The novelty of having a secret crush must be the reason why I'm going crazy half the time. I thought once I told you how I felt, it wouldn't be as exciting or romantic anymore. I might be wrong.
In my mind and dreams, for the first time in my life, I have cheated on him I cried. I cried to let out the horrible pain inside my heart. I cried. I cried. I know what you mean and I don't want to.. But for the first time. I know I don't belong to him anymore, I suddenly understand, in frightening clarity, what you said before.
My body doesn't belong to him anymore. It doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't. I'm hurting so badly.
This is insane. I'm someone different when I'm with you. I'm terrified out of my mind.
If there was nothing, and no one. I would be sinking into you Every part of me I've never felt passion like this before.
I thought of you, out in the hallway I'd look at you and you'd know how much I want you.
You'd use it against me, I'm sure But that's the old me and you talking I don't know what you'll do.
If there was no world, no anyone. I would be deep inside you Your world.
I'd be aching as much as I ache now Only you can do this to me. I know that now.
So things happened, and they've stopped. I saw her entry, deciphered it with Abby painstakingly and saw truth. I can't do this to my friend. Simply put, I'm not that kind of person.
And we're not in love anyway, nothing is lost.
I got three cards. One was judgment, the other two were five of pentacles and wands respectively. I guess this means I have to grow without anyone romantically attached me. I appreciate that. I realize, that's what I really want.
Thank you Lord, for letting me know this, just in time. Thank you for letting him understand this.
Today, I slept till noon. I called in sick. I dreamed of you. I woke up and thought of you. Abby and I ordered Chowking, talked about passion, wonder and life. I miss being with her. I love Burgundy. It is home.
After Abby left, I wrote in multiply random thoughts that tried to mask the fact that I was thinking of you, all that time. I played your song, over and over.
And now we're chatting. I'm learning a song I love. You're writing music for her song. You said me being here is an inspiration. Ditto for me.
I am confused. I am cornered. I am feeling amazing. I feel like shit. But at the same time, I'm awakened. I truly am. Thank you, for giving this to me. Thank you for the chance to live like this. Thank you for making me feel this way.
It's been barely a month and already I feel like years have passed me by. I think of you and smile. Not one moment has passed when I didn't think of you.
And to think, I've known you for so long now. I never knew this would happen. It's shocking and amazing.
I'll get them back together. It's just right that he realizes that she is the best girl to love. She knows him well and vice-versa. Geraldine is a girl worth fighting for. Their love is a love worth fighting for. How can he give up now?
If I could, I'd stay out of it, let things happen between them. But as it is, I'm smack in the middle, muddling minds and confusing hearts. How did I manage to do that?!
But please Lord, I pray. Let things be alright. Let them make the right decision. Tonight is the night.
Paul and I went to MOA. We met Ge, Missy and Nerp there. Bryan came much later. At first it was difficult. I couldn't understand him. How was he reacting? What was happening? And the same time, I was minding everyone. Their thoughts assailed me. Their feelings hung me out to dry. I was caught off guard by the force of their silent punch. They didn't know what it was doing to me.
I got sick and tired of it. I proposed play time. Everyone threw themselves into it. I'm glad I had sense enough to do it. Play on.
I'll breathe in and force air out of my lungs. You fill me to the core. You touch my hand and the tingle goes from everywhere to the deepest part of me. I'm surprised.
I am afraid, awkward and shaky on my feet. It troubles me not, how strange we are together, how perfect it is to feel your warm hand in mine.
I pulsate with life when I'm near you.
I can't meet your eyes when I find you staring at me with a look of wonder and happiness. You scare me. You seem to be truly into me.
This is different... Something that an exotic French woman would do: Be in love with two men, three, four... Artists and artisans, a scholar and a doctor. She'll fulfill a need in each of them, but never really give everything... She never gives her whole heart, her whole self.
I'm not an exotic woman or a mysterious gypsy maid. I'm just Marj. That said... Everything that I've ever known about myself is being tested. I'm also discoverng so much about who I am, what I'm capable of doing. The choices I've made and will yet to make are devastating.
Writing posts that are kept private. Writing entries on notepads. Writing entries on napkins. Writing entries on the sides of paper cups.
Putting up post-its on the sky. Sending wishes to friends, my hopes are with you. Watching time pass me by. Aching to be with you.
I want the world to just stand still.
No choice, that's all I see. More choices, that's all I'll be. Nothing less, I confuse me.
Watch that bubble, watch me stand I try to stand, to understand. Now I'm lost, I hope you see
How much your faith will mean to me.
My life comes to a close, every day. I wonder if I'll meet every one of you, one day. Will it be just a day? Maybe, it would be a stretch of forever, a meeting in a molecule, a parting that happens in less than a blink of an angel's eye.
How would immortals who share, shared, will share, a mortal life address each other. Will we do it at will or just merely pass each other by, a glance over Jupiter and Mars, and know each other, who we are and what we'll be, existing before these lonely stars.
When i think of you, I feel happy.
I don't know yet who you'll be to me.. But i know that I'll take whatever you can give me.. I'll do the same for you.
I don't know why we're drawn together. I really don't know. But that's why.. I'm willing to be brave. I am different when I'm with you. You make me feel shy and strong, you make me laugh and smile, even as you turn my feelings up, down, all around. :))
This thing.. happened. and I didn't expect it. I don't think you did, either. it just is.
I woke up with a curious feeling. The world shone for me. The windows let in the softest light I have ever seen. The curtains blew gently, and I felt you here, so near to me.
I feel so tender and gentle towards you. I think, I just might... I won't dare say the word. But I woke up this morning with a light in my heart. I was bursting with joy and peace. I've always known, deep inside, that this is what you could do to me.
Maybe that's why I've always stayed away. I fear you this way.
So I spent the day thinking of you, as I always do. I moved with friends and watched them love. I struggled with myself and how I feel. Still, I am the girl who wants what's best for her friends. Still, I am afraid of what I feel for you.
But it's not something that makes me weak. Surprised, I find that it makes me whole. Am I scared of risking anything? I'd be more scared of myself if I let this chance pass me by.
I will do what is right for everyone. I think I'm starting to feel...
This day was a blur of activity. I saw my childhood love-enemy, I had my teeth brutally treated and I watched New Moon with the Burgundians.
I hope you don't watch it and notice some things, some moments and words that are oh-so familiar. It hurt me to watch it, it hurt me to watch people react to it.
I hate that I can relate. I can't believe I can relate. I am dumbfounded! You've got me sliding, slipping, falling, tumbling, rolling around the bed trying to shake out the memory, sense and feel of you around me.
Today I'm lost in a haze of fatigue and pain. I am sorely tempted to resign and just stop functioning. What is happening to me? Why is every day a struggle?
The only way I can think of to soothe myself is to get lost in you. I need to feel you warm against me. I need to feel you so close to me.
I defeat myself as I breathe. How can this be so difficult? It's a good thing this didn't happen in college or I would have FAILED so many subjects, I think.
Why am I like this???
I can't understand why it's so hard to write. 100 words is difficult. It is difficult to continue even as so many things are running rampant, wanting to be written, lost and afraid, in my mind.
I realized this morning that not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of you. Not a night has passed that I didn't want you. Since that time, I never stopped longing for you, for something I don't even fully understand yet.
I write with passion, and yet I know I haven't felt it before. I wonder, how much of fate exists.
We walked together in a park I know so well. It's different tonight, with the chill air and tired trees that sway tirelessly in the lamplight. I feel content and happy, but endlessly curious of who you are.
Who might you be, I wonder. A boy I've known since then, and is just now getting to know. I hate the barrier that eventually brought us closer, solely because, I know we could have known each other earlier.
Would we have been this close? Would have we have just been friends, if no tension existed between us? We live this, now.
What can I do now? It has happened. I love him so... I can't ever say anything. I won't ever do anything. I can't believe I'm saying this. I can't believe I'm me.
But he makes me so happy. He makes me come alive. He gives me feelings I've never felt before. I musn't ever fall. Because I know I'll get hurt. And when I get hurt, I die. That's why I'm always safe. That's why I've always avoided what I wanted, because it's what I fear of the most. How can I really be? How can I survive this?
I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if this is right anymore. I see that I'm in some kind of wrong. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. A large part of me feels like a villain. I stole something away from her. And to think, I didn't even mean this. I would never ever hurt her.
Now she's being herself. I feel like I'm the worst friend around. Can I do this? I don't think I can! I am afraid. I am not sure how to be. Too much things.
I'm scared to love you, because you said you'd break me. Now it doesn't seem to matter, does it. I gave you everything. It's now your time to decide.
I am afraid of loving you. But if you take away the chance... Then I have no reason to be afraid. But that just might mean that I'm a coward. I thought I was brave enough, and I want to be. But I can't do that without you...
You're thinking. Or maybe you're not. I want to love you. I want so much to let you see how much I care.
I suffered today. I screamed into my pillow. I called for you. I hoped. I wanted. I felt you all around me. I was reaching out for you. This is how I knew, I'm lost. I'm yours. I want you.
I don't know what December will bring. But the heat envelops me as the cold month begins. I am fully in your heart, you are fully in my mind. What I feel for you has gone beyond my wildest imaginings. Something has started within me. A death. But always, you started an awakening. After this night, I cannot go back.
The Tip Jar