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Missy and I went home to Las Pinas and ate at Cerealicious with Paul, Wixx, Franklin and Web. It was a night of bangs and laughter. The day itself was surprising, with calls for rescue and hail falling on the city, amidst the fear from the coming Bagyong Pepeng.
I didn't expect that I'd be going to the derma with Missy in tow, much less that she'd get to meet a my friends that night. Surprises, laughter and companionship truly are the spice of life.
I can't regret this day because it gave me joy.
The ride home was eventful. Franklin was in a dark mood and Missy was witness to this, unfortunately. I did my best to balance the mood and ease things for the both of them, being that on the other hand, I was to provide an old-friend-listening ear to Frank and buffer to Missy.
Not everyone can stand Frank's dark moments. It's uncomfortable for those who aren't used to him.
I was out like a light. I left Missy to browse her beloved facebook. I forgot to wash my face and brush my teeth.
Saturday was simply glorious. After breakfast I proceeded to abuse Missy's eyes with my pictures and videos from PBF and Burgundy. I'm quite sure that she enjoyed it though. But of course, she could have just been polite.
We spent a horrific amount of money on junk food. It's the first time I've ever done that. I wore boots and a flowered skort. And thus began Missy's first DND session.
It was Wixx, Pawl, Nerps, Geraldine and Bryan who bore witness to Missy's first adventure. This day was full of startling joy and happy surprises.
Sunday was family day. Missy was there as I related Gamer, Gerard Butler's movie, to my brother and sister. I laughed so hard that way. Sometimes I realize that my siblings are a generation older than me, and it makes me reflect on who I am.
I accompanied Missy to Mary Mother of Church, the place where I was baptized. The last time I was there was during Simbang Gabi with Pawl and Bqb. I loved them so much then. I still love Pawl. Bqb's status in my heart is still uncertain.
I hope love returns.
It's Monday again. I woke up late and roused Missy. Had a short quarrel with my mom. I have to remember, she's older and wiser than me. Or in a different generation anyway. Therefore, I must understand.
I went to the dentist, the bank and dragged Missy to work. The night before we spend the night with Pawl, who joined us at mass.
We had dinner and hung out at Domo, playing cards and laughing. I actually beat them at Bluff. I never in a million years thought that was possible. Well it is.
Missy and Pawl sparred after midnight and chatted till 4 AM. I was already asleep when Pawl left.
Today I saw Arnel again. He's the cutest, most gorgeous thing. I love how he moves.
But at least I'm not half crazy over him anymore. I still can't look him in the eye though, I just can't. My philosophy teacher once said that to look into a person's eyes is both an acknowledgment and allowance of his being into your personal space. A look, no matter how brief, can truly jar the soul. I wonder.
Nerps and I had a long talk about martial arts last night at Mr. Kebob. Afterward we got to put his thoughts and theories into practice. I find that I like the Filipino palit-palit style because it's quick, devious and just plain exhilarating to practice.
I love talking to Nerps. He doesn't give too much information in the onset of a conversation, but when you ask for his opinion, the barrage of facts and trivia you'll get is astounding.
He's wonderful to have around. I find that I love his company. I love him.
Catherine and Heathcliff are two strong personalities who are unfortunate to grow up together. I think that if they met as adults, in a casual circumstance, they would have hated each other on sight.
But they really are one in the same. Both selfish, powerful and strong in personality. They feel so deeply for each other and are as strongly opposed to what the other is doing, and yet they can't pull away.
Sometimes, I feel this way for a friend of mine. But Nerps said I was just imagining things. He is probably right.
I long for you now.
You will never come to me
You belong to her.
I dream a thousand
leagues of you and yet these dreams
Bring me back again.
Fly now from my thoughts
My silent words betray me
Move me not to lust.
Lust, that crave of flesh
To run my hand up your back
And hurt you with it.
My friend, my other
Your soul is like mine, I see
Passion dwells in me
I am its maker. Let it happen.
I've gone past caring. I want you to want me. I want, yearn and long. The way your hips move to the beat of music creates a stirring in me.
I revel in the look that you gave me as you danced. It was serious, and unlike your usual self. I imagine it was a look of passion. A disbelieving part of me screams, you're imagining things, my friend.
Lose myself to delusions or give up on you? To choose the latter would mean I walk on a sensible path of rationality and boredom.
How could I know what the next day would bring? I had totally no idea. This 100 words thing is hard. I don't even know what the hell I'm doing or why I bother with this.
Oh I remember, I said I wanted to be a writer. Shit. It's so hard to be something, maybe I'm not meant to be a writer? Who cares shit about what I have to say, of all people?
Why am I even kidding myself? I don't think I can do anything. I don't think I can succeed in what/who I want to be.
I can't believe how much you smile. Or the way your butt moves when you teach us Latin dance. You're armpits are shaved! How many straight men get their armpits shaved! And your eyebrows are trimmed! And you're note gay. Therefore you must be an extraordinarily vain man. Classice metrosexual?
Classic metrosexual with killer abs, biceps, triceps, buttocks, legs, smile and moves.
Pardon me while I wipe the drool off my face. I acted like an idiot around you today. That's fine as long as you know I appreciate you in my idiotic way.
So you don't like me, I get that. You don't have to call me Sis just to rub it in that you are repulsed by me. You say that it only applies to me, that icky and weird feeling and we both know that Sis is just a way of saying, I don't like you. You're not attractive to me. Stay away.
But I've got a lot to be thankful for. Now I don't have illusions. I see how you see me. I've decided to stick by that and after today, you will be easy for me.
I saw you look at me. Are you aware of me, or am I just fooling myself. I could have sworn you met my eye more than once. It creates a burn inside, one I can't ignore. I can't let this go. It's your fault I'm delusional. It's your fault that I hope, against all odds, that you notice me.
Please notice me.
I yearn to be touched by you. Move with me. I am truly scared of you. What I feel is sensual and forceful. You frighten me even as I want you.
So it's your last day. So our parting of ways begin. In so many ways you've brought me joy. There are times however, where you've stressed me out beyond belief. And now it's over.
I see that you regret your choice. I feel the anxiety and anger that war inside of you. But the decision is made and you're leaving me.
It's going to be strange, having you out of my waking life. It's never going to be the same, did you ever realize that? Now you, do. I see it in your eyes. But you left me.
This is a lost date. I don't even know what's happening here. Ah. It's the day before the infamous 17th. The day I opened up my feeling about you. It's the day you said you might want me. That you might have always wanted me.
I was so innocent then. I never knew what was coming. I sat comfortably beside him, typing along and dreaming about myself, who I could be, what I should do.
I never thought it would be you.
Who'd inspire me to write and sing and dance and be seductive and crazy. Still, I thank you.
We talked. I didn't realize what would happen when we did. Something opened inside of me. I became vulnerable and aware of my own feelings. Something toppled in my heart. The foundation of who I was changed in a blink of an eye.
I always get this way with you.
You said forget it. I didn't text you at all. You texted me the next night. I saw that song you wrote. Something inside me fled with fear. What did I just do? Something in me rejoiced: You want me too. Or so I thought, hoped, wondered, recoiled and wished.
I managed to resist texting you the whole day. I didn't do anything. You started it. Yesterday I did, but today was all you. I know I've piqued your interest. I just didn't count on staying awake, invaded by thoughts of you.
I don't even know if you're telling the truth. God, what if you're an asshole? Nothing will change. You're still my friend. I've decided you're my friend years ago. Ours is the flightless bird, as the song goes.
It's never been easy between us. Is it passion? Passion that burns between us. I don't know what to think.
By now I'm lost in a fit of desire. I dream of you and think of your name as I wake up in the morning. The windows are open and the breeze is cold, fresh from the morning sun. Everything glows.
My spirit is jumping and screaming. See the joy in my eyes and the light on my cheeks. I said, "I only get this way when I'm with you."
Truly, I've been too young to realize what I can feel. I'm dumbstruck with passion and longing. It's a silly thing to have but it's crazy great to love you.
Okay, there are still 4 more left. I must say something substantial or I'll just... No. I won't do anything. I can't think of anything to say.
You inspire me. You make me feel like a girl, sitting in bed and dreaming so furiously that her heart breaks down and weeps. Meanwhile, mom is cooking dinner and dad is reading the paper. They have no idea of the kind of hell you put me through.
You'll never read this because no one can know about this account, this user, this venue for release. I am a silly girl who wants.
So I read that you love her. You should. So I saw that you need her. You do. So I see that you see me as a mistake. I am. So I see I was nothing. I guess that's true when it comes to you.
So I see we put each other through hell for nothing. Of course. So I see it hurt me to see you love her. It does. So I see that I'm human. Oh God.
So I see that I do love you, just a little. I do. This is the last time I'll tell you.
I am wilted, on the floor. By your shoe. Try not to step on me. Here's the flower I once was. Surely you jest? I was never a flower.
I am more like grass. You trod over me with a skip and a sob. Take picnics over me. I house the ants, worms and creatures of the earth. There's a part here, all the time.
Take time to notice, who am I? We are all prone to bouts of madness and loneliness. What do we for each other? Who will we be together? Help me be by myself once again.
You may have just played with me, and are immune to what happened, but I'm not immune to you. Please don't share this with anyone else, because it would hurt me to show this vulnerability to anyone.
I know people would think I'm ridiculous, for feeling this way. So please, this is my only request of you: Let me get over it, and have everything die a natural death.
I can function as well as I can, given the circumstances. Just give me a breath. Let me face these things on my own. Let me love you on my own.
I can't believe I didn't write on this day. As I walked home tonight, I found the urge to write but I stopped myself. I didn't want to barrage my friends with pointless journal entries.
And then I stopped. What the hell is wrong with me. I won't write because I feel my friends will be bothered by my emotions? I fear that they won't comment anymore if I write too much? What the hell is that?
I keep forgetting the cardinal rule in writing: Write for yourself. Write what you want. Be free in your own space. I must.
And then the beating goes, let the drum go, let the blood pound, see me whisper.
I am as silent as death just as gentle, just as kind Feel me, reassuring.
It comes to everything and everyone and still I go. Past thickets and nights To this secret place I go
Here I'll think of you And laugh myself silly
Because I am silly I am dreadful.
See me back there, to the home where you say that I belong. I ask myself, do I belong?
Because of you, I can not go home. I won't be coming home anymore.
Fools fall in love and dare to tell the tale. They sing their hearts out and suffer snorts, shaking heads, and couldn't care less. They are fools who fall in love with dreams and show and tell. God I pray for them, but why bother wasting grace and angelsó Got so much war, death and problems around, people calling for your help.
So leave these people to me. They'll never be alone for long. We who live just a jeepney ride away from grocery stores and cinemas, might be easily soothed by a longing, reckless, desperate love song. Or not.
So still I write backward. I think I'm in love with you. I think I've lost it with him, a long time ago. You just made me realize what I've been missing.
It's this fiery longing I've only read about in books. I'm glad we'll never have a chance to kiss, hug or consummate what I feel. I half hope that my feelings are as easily dismissed as a one night stand to a seasoned "performer."
"Tonight I drift in a dream of you..." That song reminds me of you. You'll remain in my heart, untouched and untested. I'm glad.
It seems like I'm walking backwards. I read something that I've known all along. Love is a decision. Do I decide to love you? What's the point. My best friend is in love with you. You are in love with her. You play mind games on me. I know you don't feel anything genuine.
But you inspire me. Because you're that one crazy, charming, frustrating guy that I now realize I've wanted since I was 17. The desire for your company has always been in the back of my head, buried deep in my heart.
I admit to this now.
I met you last night. You were with her. I didn't think it would be hard to see you again. I was surprised by my reaction. It's as if a galaxy has built between us, in place of a thick impenetrable wall.
After awhile I got used to you loving her. Holding her hand. I love her too. I want to be happy. And yet, here I am, consumed by my desire for you.
Yes, I desire you. Even now. My body aches from wanting you. It's a strange feeling to have. I just got a call. She's coming here.
Can you believe I'm writing this:
I was in the bathroom thinking A lot about what I've been feeling, I dared to sing the words out loud The toilet made a flushing sound
The lady blushed, a knowing look was all I could see, even a stranger knows what you're doing to me. A minute pause, I feel no shame and end up laughing and remembering how we would talk and glance at each other. Now here's a secret like no other
You look at your feet when you're looking at me I want to wrap your arms around me.
My body has been alien to me on most nights, some days. It's doing things it shouldn't, like reach for you in the night. This wasn't planned, it just is. Funny how love scenes like this exist in my life now. The windows are shut but the room is a mess. It's in this heat and humidity that I lay myself to rest.
How interesting; my body is drawn to the ground Like it knows how much it wants to be buried, deep in a worlds' embrace. Any world. Your world.
I'm scared of breaking down In front of you.
The Tip Jar