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It suddenly rained heavily just as I was about to leave the house for school. The side street was flooded. As I struggled to cross, may right slipper slid down into the gushing water. The next moment I was chasing it with one foot bare. To be able to chase it, I have to walk right in the flood. From afar, I might look like a child playing in the rain, stamping and splashing through the water. I was wet up to my knees. I turned back to see amused looks trying to stop themselves from laughing. How embarrassing!
Images formed from the back of my mind revealing my repressed thoughts. My eye sight was blurry but the images were clear-- the what ifís and what could have beenís along with some wishful thinking.
I wondered when will be the next time Iíll see you and the next time weíll talk. Would I have the guts to face you or would I prefer to walk away?
I feel so empty. So unhappy. So lonely. I canít even talk to my Ďclosestí friends about this. I feel so jaded.
I have run out of adjectives to describe my fucking life.
I heard you wanted to see me too that night I wanted to see you. Which means seeing you that night wasnít just my bitter wish but also a desire of yours. Then it wasnít just fate giving me a lift, you were really waiting for me intentionally. Thatís sweet. But itís been a month since. Itís been a month and I still am wanting to see youÖ
There were unusually lots of people along my way home and I donít know why. Itís very irritating. At the same time Iím hoping that along the crowd, there youíll be.
And again I'm longing for you. I desperately want to be with you. I want to feel your touch and hear your voice. I make believe that you're here with me, lying beside me with your arms across mine. Then memories of those summer nights crept in my mind; those times when there's nothing in the world but you and me. Please my heart is aching, wonít you come here and mend it? I wouldnít hesitate. I just want to be with you now. If I dream tonight, would you at least be there? I miss you.
Iím so pathetic.
Take me to a place where I can see the world, to a place where I can freely shout. I want to scream! I want to scream at the top of my lungs at this fucking world. I want to tell my burdens to the wind, the sky, and the sun. I just want to shout without bothering anyone. I want to get away from the scrutinizing eyes of this world.
I am trading my sham friends with liquors to knock me off to sleep. Theyíre better companions. I am trading them with the wind to take me far away.
Spent last night crying and woke up still doing the same. I am tired of everything. If this is just a phase, how long will this be before it ends? Iím getting tired of living my life. Each day that I throw away is a day wasted. Everything is about you! Iím messing up because of you. This is the consequence of your mistakes, why am I the one suffering it?
As I realized that you would never come back again, I feel so distressed. Every effort I have laid was wasted. I feel so wasted. Worthless. Empty. Worn out.
Iím young. I shouldnít let anyone take my life without even starting to live it.
While Iím wasting my time complaining how life sucks, I donít know how to make things better. Sometimes lifeís like a tide. Sometimes high, sometimes low. And sometimes we get caught in the flow. Itís either we fight it or get carried away. Most of the time we get carried away not because weíre too weak to resist, itís just that there are things we can do nothing aboutóthings we have to accept. We go with the flow and see where it takes us.
He wrapped his arms around me tightly and tried to convince me to stay. But I have to go, I still have a class. I promised him I would be back. I did.
The electricity went out so we had to settle with the heat. We continued what weíve started; exchanging hard kisses and warm caresses in the candle-lighted room.
This will be our last chance, tomorrow and forever who knows where weíll be. So this is how we ended. The last of the lasts. Iím happy to be with you today, I just hope I wonít miss you tomorrow.
If I would be a super hero, I would save the people by killing the politicians. It would be just fair since theyíre killing us in a different way. Look how massively infested the government is. Look how the people suffer their mistakes. The economy is collapsing. Many are unemployed, hungry and homeless. While there are a few who sits in high thrones watching unfortunate people bowing their heads before them.
I know youíre all aware of our rotting country. You just donít care enough. All you care is your position, not your job. Amazing what power can do, huh?
We zigzagged our way into the night. I struggled to walk straight but I almost slipped. The cool breeze brushes against our faces as we entertain ourselves with stories from our intoxicated minds. The night air was cold but we feel warm inside. It was already late still we donít care. We just wanted to enjoy the night out.
I went to bed thinking about him looking at her and wishing her to just disappear. I can still smell the liquor in my lips and taste its bitterness. I wished myself good luck tomorrow before I quickly dozed to sleep.
My classmate challenged my history professor when he tells her that why canít past just be past and why canít we just forget it?
Our professor was teary-eyed but she defended herself passionately. How can one know his or herself if he or she doesnít look in the past? How would you know you are human if you donít know where you are, where you originated and where your roots are?
The past serves as an anchor of our identity. Bad or good, the past is there to remind us of our life.
Still no wonder why some get stuck.
Funny, I woke up today craving to be with him again. Last night, we drank soda and ate fries and we talked and we laughed. Just me and him making up for lost time. It feels awkward though whenever he stares at me.
He says things that are beyond what they seem and he thinks that I cannot see right through them. Maybe for him they mean nothing for me. Maybe he thinks that those are just little things I wouldnít bother.
Oh, my ever so innocent significant other, I would like to tell you they mean something to me.
Heís dead so walk away.
Itís hard to remind myself of this for a hundred times each day. I constantly remind myself to forget. Once in a while something will remind me of him and our memories. Once in a while I sink in my sorrow. There in the back of my mind I desperately push these thoughts and here deep in my heart emotions ache to break free.
Itís been a long time since our relationship ended but not my feelings. Itís been a long time since all my hopes faded.
Itís been a long time since I died.
I spent my afternoon shopping while it was heavily raining outside. It was hard going around different shops while raining especially when I donít like my feet getting wet from rainwater. But itís harder to buy all I want with a tight budget. I was only able to buy two blouses and a pair of shoes. While shopping I realized something I really want: another piercing. And I need to have it by the end of this week!
I am vain. I am self-conscious thatís why I always want to look pretty as much as possible. Who doesnít want to?
Iíll always remember you as that innocent boy, during those early years of our innocence, who offered me his shirt when I was shivering and drenched with rain.
Iíll always remember us as some lovers who were too young to know what love was about.
I still remember that late afternoon when we were locked up in a room and confessed to each other our feelings. I went out that room with burning red cheeks and a sensation like I was in a trance. I remember going home with my eyes fixed ahead but Iím not really looking at something.
But weíre too young back then. I remember breaking your heart. I left you in our little innocent world to venture out the real one. I got broken and wasted. I took risks and hated the consequences.
Now that the innocence have forgone, we traveled separate roads and went to separate places. I have seen the world in a different view and maybe you have seen it too. And now our roads had intertwined as our fate collided again.
I see you now in front of me, staring right through me. And I feel like I want time to freeze.
I was surprised when he suddenly asked me out for lunch. I had already eaten lunch by then but still I went out with him. My stomach was stuffed with fries. I had fries for my lunch and I was forced to eat again when he treated me with an up sized fries. Talk about calories!
We were seating opposite from each other so I can watch him eat. It feels different now. Itís like I donít know him anymore. Like nothing special happened between us before.
By the way, I regret it. I regret seeing and being with him.
Here we go again. I donít know why I canít resist you. All I want is that thing I have to borrow from you. I have no plans of staying. But your hips are already between my legs. Your finger prints are all over me and I just wish to wash them all away. Forget about knowing you. Forget everything about you. Erase you in my memories. Erase you in my heart.
Youíre nothing now but a lust machine. You really think that I like it? If only you can hear what Iím thinking.
I wasnít supposed to be here!
We took a stroll on a fine Saturday afternoon. I donít know what you are thinking every time you stare at me. It never fails to make me feel so awkward. I always tell you this and you always ask me why. I always answer it makes me feel so conscious but I canít tell you exactly why. Thereís something in the look in your eyes that makes me feel naked. Not literally naked but naked in the sense that you can see right through me. I feel transparent. Like you know what Iím feeling before I even know it.
Itís Sunday. As usual, I spent it waiting for Monday. I passed the time sleeping and dreaming of being with you. I dream of every ways I can make you fall in love with me badly. I want to make you mine again. I feel excited in the thought of a comeback and a renewed love. But youíre too naive for me. I donít want to do the Ďguy stuffí for us to work. But maybe who knows what you can do now.
Then his thought would suddenly come back. Oh crap.
My only one, how are you doing now?
My mother and I went shopping today. We took a fully loaded bus headed to the city. On our way I canít help but notice the side street crowded with beggars, by-standers, vendors and thrashes. The acrid air and the hot weather made me dizzy. We walked by a place once historic and majestic. Now it is also filled with filthy people sleeping on cartons along side. I tried to imagine the place when it was still young about centuries ago. I felt pity on the place. Pity on the people. And disdain to the mediocrities of my own country.
He asked me if I have eaten my lunch already but I didnít reply. I assumed he was going to ask me out again. The last time we ate together, I regretted it. So now I just ignored him which later on until now I am regretting. What if that will be the last time I will be with him? Though I know this drama had long been overdue, I still am hoping. But most of the time now I dismissed the probability that he will love me again. If that ever happen things will be harder for me
I was walking with this guy when I spotted my former boyfriend walking towards our direction on the other side of the road. Good thing I decided to cross the street or else the scenario will be me and Mr. Significant Other face to face with My Only One. Thatís something I wouldnít like to happen, at least not now. I donít want him to know Iím with other guys.
The truth is Iím afraid he would stop seeing and talking to me if he found out I have someone new. The truth is heís still the one Iím wanting.
I hate them. I still hate their insensitivity. I still hate the fact that theyíre okay with him. I hate that they still couldnít figure it out. I hate feeling betrayed and of all people by those who are supposed to be supporting me. I hate their lack of consideration. I hate that they couldnít understand.
I hate her for being such a bitch. I hate her for getting close to him in the first place. I still believed that she liked the attention. When we just broke up, she flirted and done it cleanly.
Hey bitch, love the chase?
Just as how fast you smitten me is just how fast as the sensation fades. Maybe we have that Ďchemistryí and I can feel it. We are good together. Itís just that Iím a thrill seeker and maybe you are too. But I canít find that thrill in you. My problem with you now is that you canít keep me interested for a long time. Sometimes you are too childish. You are acting like me. I donít need someone just like me. I want someone who would fill the spaces in me. I want someone who would compensate for me.
We act normal. We act like nothingís wrong or nothing has went wrong. We act like weíre special. Itís all just an act for me. But I couldnít say no. You asked me to drop by and I did. You want company and I was there by your side. And so on a quiet Saturday afternoon in our little world, we talked and we laughed as usual. You spun my chair and I threw my hands in the dizzy air. I shrieked with laughter and I screamed for you to stop. For a moment you made my world revolve again.
We could have been good together. We could have been only if you hadnít taken me for granted. Only if you knew how to be considerate enough of my feelings.
Only if you had stood up to your words.
Only if you just look at nobody else but me. Only if youíd completely abandoned her. Only if youíd realized that she wonít ever love you. Only if youíd realized sheís not worth it all.
Only if youíd realized that youíd wasted me for nothing.
Only if you knew how miserable we both are when we could have been happy together.
I was with him all day. We made garlic breads, watched movies and made up. I know I shouldnít be here but I canít help it. I want to be with him. I enjoy being with him. I couldnít resist him. I just love having him around. I know the moment is wrong. I should have walked away. Itís just so hard to let go. I just want to cherish the moments we have. I just want to cherish the time I can still hold him close and hold him tight. Thereís something in him that keeps pulling me back..
I attended my first class feeling tired and sleepy. I havenít slept much, only about three interrupted hours. My eyes felt heavy. Crying myself to sleep isnít a nice idea especially when I have to wake up early the next day. I havenít done anything worthwhile during the weekend. I am unprepared for this week. And oh! Is this the last week of July? Iíve always complained of how time seems slow but before I knew it Iím running out of time to pass time. Time passed me by. It had gone ahead without me.
Iím still left here
Weíre alone together in a crowd. I see you through the smoky air that dangled in the place. Amidst the loud beats and the synchronized rhythms, my heart is singing its favorite song hoping you would hear. My eyes were glued to you, watching how you move. Sometimes I think of what it is like to be you. In my eyes you shine brightest, you made everything around dull with your presence. Still I canít stand it. I sit here afar from you wanting to get out of this place. I canít stand your presence and I donít know why.
I can only have a vague recollection now of what happened last night. I was struggling to keep my eyes open though everything around had become fuzzy like in a dream. My lips were drenched with alcohol. It spoke of things I can not much remember now. I just know that I talked a lot. I have spoken of things that I wouldnít have said in a clear mind. Last night my intoxicated sober thoughts overcame me. We had a little serious talk and he told me some things I was glad to know. Last night was a total bliss.
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