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05/01 Direct Link
What's with being a girl that the society since from ancient times have decided that we should be demure and hygienic. And if we didn't conform to their expectations, they will instantly judged us like we've done something so wrong or at times, disgusting.

Today I became completely conscious of my feet when my boyfriend commented about it. Okay it was dirty, so what's the big deal? I haven't attended into it since I have no time and the luxury of having a foot spa.

His feet were dirty too but he was a boy. and I am a girl.
05/02 Direct Link
I don't know why I always find it hard to choose a gift for a male, especially someone dear to me. Last year, I gave him a cake and a shirt-- only because I cannot think of something to give. And this year I still don't know what to buy. Can someone tell me what gentlemen want for their birthday?

I want to give him something I cooked by myself but I don't know how. My last resort would be a stuff toy; just something to make him remember me every time he sees it.

Even if we were gone...
05/03 Direct Link
I remembered one year ago, it was his birthday and we spent the whole day together. We ate until our stomachs are full, strolled around the mall, and watched a movie.

Dusk fell as our heads were laying side by side on the bus as we head home. I can almost smell his breath. I closed my eyes and felt the pressure of the wind in my face along with the tranquility of the moment.

It was dark already dark when we reached our town. We exchanged goodbyes as we headed home. But the day still hasn't ended for us..
05/04 Direct Link
Then it was midnight, the whole house was still as we lie awake quietly on my room, careful as not to disturb the peace. The light is off as he lay on top of me. I can feel the weight of his body and his kisses. I feel his hands all over me-- slowly undressing me. I hesitated at first, but eventually I give in. Not because I had the urge, but I just don't care of doing it at all. I know I might regret it but at this moment, I just don't care.

He was my first mistake.
05/05 Direct Link
And yes we did it. Last night, one year ago. Nobody knows this except for me, him and two of my friends who have also experienced that. Oh, maybe some other people might know it; those living with him in his house.

We did it. In fact, a lot of times. My closest friends don't know. They don't have to. I can imagine just what they would say. I am living in a conservative country rapidly heading the liberated world. And I am standing in between the line of the liberated and the conservative while they're still way innocent.
05/06 Direct Link
Small, simple, safe price
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals
I am not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to bleed, fuck, and fight.

Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?

Make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid
To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter
I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart
Love's not like anything
Especially a fucking knife
05/07 Direct Link
I hate to admit it but I will miss them. It seemed that I had come to love the job but now I've completed the required number of hours. The place wasn't really gifted with facilities. The rooms were messy, the windows were broken and the whole place looked haunted. But in that little room, I stood before these little people soon to be the hope of my falling country. And it's sad to say that they live in this condition; a condition where they fall as the mere victim of their rotten country.

Oh well time to say goodbye kids!
05/08 Direct Link
Follow your instincts; some advice I usually encounter. Indeed I find this true. There are really times when there is something dictating me from within. It is like a soft whisper or some feeling of nervousness and hunch. Or am I just merely a paranoid? Anyway, most of the time my instinct is right. Sometimes a warning, a precaution or some bad news to be confirmed. And today my instinct told me something-- something not so good. When I confirmed it, I found it was true. Darn. I wish I just haven't known that. For peace of mind's sake. Please.
05/09 Direct Link
To my only one,

You know, it's so hard for me to say these things. But I guess if you don't have the courage to say it, I will.

Things aren't working out anymore. I know it's now time to stop.

You know that I love you so much. And I don't want to lose you. But if you want to leave, I wouldn't stop you. I want you to be happy, and if your happiness means not having me then go. Just remember, I love you and I will still be the same person you can fall back into..
05/10 Direct Link
Flirting isn't such a nice act for an educated person especially for a woman, but it's fun. A woman is a woman, and a man is a man. It's an animal instinct to get physically attracted to an opposite sex. You get a little anticipated with the sight of him/her. You try to look good enough for that person. You walk and walk in front of that person until you get that person to noticed you. And then if that person did, you just get all thrilled up. But it is just flirting, it is nothing compared to loving.
05/11 Direct Link
Dear princess of the nearby kingdom,

Remember when you trespassed my territory? You accidentally took with you my prince. I know it wasn't your intention, or do you?

Anyway, my point is he was dazzled by your eyes, smiles, and anything you have that are better than me.

Now you have my everything.

I thought you were a friend? You know you could've done something for me other than allure him then keep him on the chase.

You could've at least just tell him to stay with me instead. Or you shouldn't have entered in our relationship at the first place!
05/12 Direct Link
I tried to act matured enough. But you know what? Every time I look at you, I couldn't help but think: Is this the person who took my throne? What do you got that swept my prince away? Okay, so you're so much better than me. But it wasn't you who had love him. It wasn't you who had taken care of him. It wasn't you're arms in which he took refuge during cold nights. He doesn't even know you enough. You don't even love him. How come he chose you over me who he had known for so long?
05/13 Direct Link
SCREAM!

I would have screamed right in front of you if you were here. I would have slapped you in the face. I would have made a scene. I would have told you how desperate I have become. I would have cried it all. I would have told you to get lost and if you did, come back to me. I would have said how my arms are scratching to hug you and how my heart is aching to show you how much I love you. But you weren't here and that's something I have to deal with. just SCREAM.
05/14 Direct Link
New faces entering the land, they seemed so excited and clueless. Well I can't blame them, I were once like them. Fresh and innocent. Immature and pampered. Still about the undergo a big change. Yet should be prepared.

As we grow up, there are lots of things we had to let go and lots of things to develop. We are living in a world where only the fittest survives. There is an unspoken competition among us. We can't say we won if there are no competitors. And to win, one must set his or her own goals. Well that's life.
05/15 Direct Link
It was an almost starless sky, nonetheless it was beautiful. The weather was fair although the atmosphere was cold. But I feel colder inside.

On a bench by the lamp post by the tree, we sat together side by side. Through the dim light, i saw him smiled. I looked away.

I sank into my thoughts. Once this place was a haven for me and my love. This is where I shared my dreams along with sweet kisses and warm hugs.

I looked back at him as I thought, how romantic would this be, if only you were someone else.
05/16 Direct Link
i knew i was dreaming, but somehow i can not wake up. i felt stiff and numb. i tried to move my arms and my legs but to no avail. i desperately tried to stay conscious. in my dream, i passed out. i struggled to open my eyes and get up. it was hard. but i can not give up. if i did, i don't know if i'll ever wake up again. it feels like falling into nothingness. it's like i'm being pulled downward to i don't know where.

fortunately i managed to wake up. that wasn't my first time..
05/17 Direct Link
to my only one,

i'm wondering if ever you are thinking of me just like i have been doing every day and every night. and if ever, i wonder what you are thinking. do you feel guilty or do you feel nothing at all?

i hope you are happy now. you know that i want the best for you that's why i let you go. does she really makes you feel happy? if not, you know i am just here and will always be here.

if only my tears could make you come back, you know i'd do anything for you.
05/18 Direct Link
So they have known this all along but they were so careful as not to say a single word to me.

To my so-called closest friends: Should I thank you for sparing me the truth? Or should I feel betrayed for going behind my back?

I feel like I have been so stupid.

"Oh she's gonna get dumped again."
"Damsel in distress, he wants to shake you off. Why not stop your dramas and get over it?"


I can imagine them laughing and pitying me. It hurts to know that they could have helped me-- could have. But they didn't.
05/19 Direct Link
This morning, I happen to passed by a store with its stereo's volume on a full blast. Then along came this old man dancing through the beat of the music on the sidewalk. Funny but he doesn't seem to care. There were lots of vehicles passing and the old man just smiled at them.

He continued dancing until a few meters away from the shop. He seemed so delighted with what he'd done.

I wondered, what makes this man so happy? Is it his rugged clothes? How come he can even make others happy without having so much?
05/20 Direct Link
Suicide.

I have thought about why people commit suicide. I have hated people who threaten other people by trying to kill themselves. I have thought about why people do it to escape their problems, pains, sorrows and heartaches. I have thought about how it feels to be the reason for a person to commit suicide. I have wondered if suicidal people have something wrong with their brains. I have wondered when, why, and how did it come to exist.

Suicide. I have come across this word plenty of times but I have never thought of doing it. Not until now.
05/21 Direct Link
1, 2, 3, smile!

Click.


And there it is, a picture of a little girl. Innocent and sweet , yet resentful and mischievous. She smiles at every shot and poses like a drama queen.

The good thing about photographs is that they preserve moments we would like to cherish. Browsing through them, we see our old self and how we used to be.

And yes they are able to capture the smiles and the expressions but they can never preserve how we really felt at that moment. Pain concealed in innocent eyes.

1. 2. 3. Smile like you mean it!

Click.

Memories.
05/22 Direct Link
Life demands more patience than we can bear.."

I encountered this line on a magazine. Indeed, it's true. Patience is something I lack so much. It's hard to wait for a bus when it's raining so hard and you are nowhere close to a shed. It's hard to wait on the bus going home when you desperately want to pee. It's hard to wait for something you don't know. It's hard to wait for something uncertain. It's hard to wait for something bad and inevitable. It's hard to wait for nothing. It's hard to wait when patience is wearing thin.
05/23 Direct Link
Why does she look so sad, that girl staring in front of me. I can tell she's in pain. I can trace the path of teardrops on her face.

Why are you crying?

She buried her face in her hands and gave out a sob of solace. She would have been pretty in those eyes only if she wasn't this broken.

If I could only do something for her. I tried to reach out but instead I felt something hard. I thrust my head into its surface, she did the same. Then I felt something burning on my cheeks.
05/24 Direct Link
acceptance.

what does it takes to accept that there are these things that we have to leave that way?

how hard is it to leave a past you had wanted to be your future?

how hard is it to let go of a thing you had so desperately held on to?

how hard is it to move on when all you wanted is to go back?

how hard is it to forget someone you had loved the most. someone you still hope will come back and fulfill the happy ending he had promised way back.

how hard is it to accept?
05/25 Direct Link
For me,

You're my happiness behind the tears
Cure to my pain in my lonely years
You're my light that guide my way
I love you, what more can I say?


From someone a long time ago

I saw this poem while I was browsing among the stuck pile of papers in my room. Funny, it just feels so funny reading it. I remembered those days. They seemed so long ago. He is now just someone I used to know. Meaningless. Worthless.

Time really heals all wounds, eh? It just takes some time.. All that is needed now is time.
05/26 Direct Link
My mood is surging fast as the weather of these past few weeks. I'm just consistently inconsistent. Sometimes I just want to scream and slap anyone in front me. I want to run away even if I'm running on a never ending road. I just want to stay away and break free! The ropes are getting more tangled and each time it chokes me. My mind isn't going anywhere except on the clouds. I want to drift away to a place of who knows where. A place where misery doesn't exist. A place just for you and me.
05/27 Direct Link
It seems I've finally understood my mood pattern. So before the sun gets down, I'll write my entry for today. I observed that during daylight, I'm still normal but my mood gets down when it's already dark. Because during night time, I get to locked up in my room and just lay down and think. Think. Think. Until things get to my head, until I get emotional about them and until they drive me to the edge of my sanity. So here I am in front of my computer typing some entry while my mind is still working properly.
05/28 Direct Link
The bitter taste of the alcohol on my tongue came with a bitter feeling, something of loneliness and misery. I was with this couple and it feels so sad to have none by my side. I feel so alone without his arms on me. As I struggle to sip the last drop of beer before my head spins, I thought of him and how desperately I want to see him. Then like an answered prayer, fate gave me a lift. I saw him there right in front of me as we hail a vehicle home. I suddenly want to cry..
05/29 Direct Link
And here I go again. Crying for you must be my hobby and letting me down must be yours. I'm supposed to meet you today, but it seems you forgot. I waited in vain for a call or a message to say that you won't make it. There was none. Sometimes I wish that I have the power to be invisible. If I had, I would probably be stalking you just making sure that you're safe. And you'll never be alone. You'll feel my breath in your ears, as I whisper you a prayer every time you feel fucked up.
05/30 Direct Link
I'm faced with another tough decision and I don't know what to do. There are only two choices laid out and either won't make me happy. Soon, I've to choose and I must choose wisely. This might start something anew but requires a great sacrifice I'm not willing to make. The prices? Well reputation or practicality. Happiness. Contentment. My future.

With this May madness, my hope is getting thick as a string. Just a few load and it will break. I'm almost close to a drop. And if all else fails, what would be in store for me down there?
05/31 Direct Link
May has just ended and tomorrow will be June. Summer is over. And so is our story. It's time to say goodbye to all the memories we had, good or bad, that must be left behind. Your character has died in this month's chapter of my life and tomorrow it's time to move on to another chapter. Without you, of course. I'm taking my time reorganizing my thoughts and tomorrow I'll write a new story that I'll live with. Our roads have diverged. Farewell my only one. I'll have to look for a fairytale ending somewhere else.