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Summer. Freedom. The Sun. Beaches? Probably. Sweat? A lot. Obviously. Shopping? If I had money, probably. Outings. Mmhmm. Could be. Family Reunions. Yes, a lot of those have been planned already. Sleeping in. Yes, looking forward to that. A wedding to attend--my cousin's. New haircut. Yes please. Lounging around. Ice cream everyday. Hopes of learning to FINALLY drive. My birthday in a month. Turning 17. NOT looking forward to that.
Summer. No school. No grades to worry about. No requirements to cram. No exams to study for. Summer. Summer Summer. My summer is the day after tomorrow. SUMMER! Finally.
They have the same hair. All of them. They wear short short skirts. They speak in a "sophisticated" manner. They act all mighty and as if they are better than us. Why? Just because we have simple hairstyles? Because we hang out at a computer shop known for its notoriousness. Just because we're experts at cutting classes. Just because we curse a lot, we smoke, drink and fail?
We missed them while they were away. That's why I wonder why now that they're back, we really wish they weren't. They changed. We did too. But I don't like the way they did.
Worthless girlfriend I am. They were right. I should have prepared in advanced. I should have been ready. I should have. But I wasn't. And I wasn't able to come and I wasn't able to share that special occasion with him. He said it was okay, but for me it wasn't. I moped around. I hated myself for it. I hated myself for not prioritizing it. I hated it that I wasn't there. Yes it was okay. He wasn't angry. But I was. I always have this tendency to make small problems be bigger. So I moped the whole afternoon.
Everytime he smiles, I feel warm all over. I feel contented and satisfied just seeing him smile and hearing him laugh. Especially if it's because of me. Eh, it's not just about me being a pleaser. There is just something so refreshing and stress-removing about seeing that smile of his. Err, so now I'm sounding like a lovesick girly girl. So to put it simply, I love seeing him smile. I want to smile with him. When he smiles, I smile too. And when he's not smiling, I want to be the reason why he will smile when he does.
The long walk towards the Math Building gave me plenty of time to think. Math 11: College Algebra. It should have been over last semester but I failed it and had to retake it. Math has always been my biggest failure, aside from having no sense of direction. Now I had taken the final exam which would determine if I passed it or if I'd have to take it up for the third time.
"You passed the final exam," the teacher said. I screamed with pure joy and slapped him hard as I whooped and yelled in the faculty room.
"What is your biggest dream?"
I could have answered one of my following material ambitions: to be a world famous designer, to live in New York City, to be a famous movie director and scriptwriter, to be a renowned photographer.
Instead, I told him the truth. "My biggest dream is that when I die, the whole world will be affected. Everyone will mourn as they watch my casket go down or my body turn to ashes. My death will mark a great loss. I just want to leave a mark in this world."
Big dream. Possible but highly improbable. Whatever.
Ihsa Camille G. Ciar,
I will miss you a whole lot, coffee buddy. I will forever remember that night when I was crying and you took me for coffee and then we walked around the campus. I'm glad that I met you--that we became close friends. I can trust you with my darkest secrets. High school would have been a big flop without you. You're definitely one of a kind. Fights over guys? Err, those days are over. We grew up. So you better come back so I'd still have someone to talk to about naughty stuff.:))
This girl, with a huge smile on her face, comes running towards me. She stops and beams.
"Hey Reg! How are your grades? Did you pass your Math22? I still don't know what my grade is but I'm really nervous."
"I don't have my other grades. But I passed Math22. I'm so glad I don't have to take it again. Math just isn't my thing. How are you?"
"Just super stressed. Well I have to get going. See you around!"
I stared after her as she walked away. Patrick asked me who she was. I shrugged, "I have no idea."
I'm leaving eLBi tomorrow. I'll be back two weeks from now. Or possibly more than. Elbi, please miss me. I love summer in Elbi--it's almost a ghost town. All the students go home to their provinces. When June comes and school starts again, damn, eLBi becomes busy once again.
While Browsing through bulletins in Friendster, I read a post by one of the people I met this college. "Goodbye Elbi. After 10 months with you, I'm finally leaving. See you in two months. Farewell, Paradise."
Yes. ELBI IS PARADISE. Elbi is where I am free. Elbi is my HOME.
There is always no turning back. Whatever you do, there is no turning back, no regretting, no forgetting. Once something has been said or done, there is no taking it back. No matter how far you've gone, you just can't go back. No matter how much you want it. You made the decision to cross that line, and you did. Now, you can never look back. Move forward, accept the decision you, yourself made. Whatever you lost along the way will never be returned no matter how hard you want it. It's gone. Forever. Just accept that you've gone too far.
I don't cry. No matter how frustrated, angry and sad I am, I don't cry. Perhaps everything has made me numb. Sometimes I feel as if I'm about to experience crying again but then, my tears fail me once more.
I don't cry. The feeling is foreign to me. I scream, I yell. I rant. I hit people. I throw stuff. But I don't cry. I have no idea why.
I don't cry. I begin to calm down after endless ranting. Then I feel something running down my face. Tears? No. I don't cry. I don't. I don't. I don't.
"Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?"
They say that you don't know what you have until it's gone. I believe that's true. But I also believe that sometimes, we know what we have. But we take them for granted. Or we ignore them at all.We don't know how important these things are to us, until they're all gone. Until they are taken away from us. Then you realize that you are never going to get those back. The damn realization comes down on you like a nightmare. Gone forever.
How do you deal with this fucked up situation?
Your friend is in a pretty much unstable relationship. She tells you that she feels that her boyfriend is going to break up with her sooner or later. She's lonely. She's afraid. Yet she still has hope that they can talk things out. Then this boyfriend comes to you. He tells you that he is indeed planning to break up with her. What will you do? Warn her and destroy all of her hopes of fixing their relationship? Or just wait, knowing that soon, she will be crying over the breakup?
Missing someone so much sucks like hell. I am so used to him being around me. I am so used to his presence. I am so used to their house, to his family, to everything about him. I long to talk to him, to laugh with him, to just stay by him doing nothing at all. I need his hug that always assures me that everything will be all right. I miss him. I miss everything about him. I miss the simplicity of the moments. I miss the way he holds me and smiles at me. Damn. I suck.
So your feelings are nowhere near fading. Even if he hurts you, even if he makes you cry, and even if he affects you with everything he says and does, you still are madly in love with him. You want him so badly. And you want this to stop. I understand. I know you know that I do. I tried to push him away, I tried to make him see that I am not affected at all by him. I wanted to hate him so much. But I could not. It was competition. And I was on the losing side.
Hate. Love. Hate.
You are the only person to make me feel so much hate and love at the same time. My hate for you is a product of too much passion--too much love. I hate you for making my whole world revolve around you. For making me feel so special one moment and so useless and non-existent the next. I hate you for making me fall so damn hard. For making me hate myself because I know that no matter what you do, I'll always be in love with you.
Damn. I hope you grow up lonely. Alone.
Hey tall, good-looking guy who lives across the street. Don't smile at everyone and don't get that happy-go-lucky look on your face. Don't act so innocent. We know what's REALLY going on. Yes we know about your secret. We know how every morning, once your parents leave the house, your girlfriend comes over. And she looks really pretty. She looks fresh and she's all smiles. Then before your parents come back at night, your girlfriend leaves, looking dishelved and hella tired, hair a mess. I bet you she's gonna get pregnant soon.
What the fuck. Who am I to judge.
Pretty girl. Ugly guy. The guy hit the jackpot, people say. Handsome guy. Gorgeous girl. Perfect match, people say. Handsome guy. Ugly girl. True love, they say.
Why? I don't get it. I don't get why people base LOVE on something that can be seen. On looks. On physical appearances. Are good-looking people only allowed to love someone as good-looking as them for it to be called a "perfect match?" Why is it so surprising for not so pretty people to fall in love when falling is just as natural as waking up and going to bed? It's love. Simple.
Stop shitting. Stop talking crap about the guy who gave me so much happiness after months and months of frustration and confusion. Stop persuading me to give the other guy a chance. Stop telling me you feel sorry for him. You shouldn't be. Because you don't understand what I've gone through. You will never understand whatever I say about loving him and hating him. You know why? You'll only understand what I say once you've fallen in love with him. I don't see you that often anymore. But why do you always make it a point to annoy me?
"I realized that no matter how much money I have, and how much treasure, when I die, it means nothing,"
-Mori Kouran; Flame of Recca
Mori Kouran, the horrifying villain in that anime symbolizes greed and selfishness. His greed has completely taken over as he searches for the secret to eternal life. Living forever. Kagero, on the other hand, is immortal and she is searching for something to end it. Being alive for 400 years--enduring pain and suffering, watching people living and dying. Wanting to end it all, but not being able to. That is true hell.
His family was looking for me. His cousins wanted to know where I was. His brothers asked about me. They really wanted me there. At a family gathering. I feel so special all of a sudden. Haha. What a retard, huh? it just feels really good to be accepted by his family. They're all so nice, so funny and they're all great to hang out with. I just love being at their house and I love the feeling that I'm welcomed there. Yes, I am in love with his family. And somehow, I already feel like a part of them. :)
I have to write one hundred words today. Only, I can't. I don't have anything to write about. My life is boring right now. Wait until I get back to elbi. But no. It will be May by the time I'm back and this month won't be finished. I feel sorry for everything I've written this month. April was a really sucky batch. Such forced writing. Writing for the sake of writing. Unbelievable pressure coming from something like this. I can't write when I'm like this. No substance. I can't write anymore. I can't write when I don't want to.
I have this humongous zit on my chin. When I say it's huge, it's really really really HUUUUGE. You shouldn't say that it's okay, and that every teenager gets pimples everyday. But--not me. I don't get any pimples. Call it luck or genes or whatever. I really don't. I like teasing my friends about that. Is this karma? Haha. Maybe. Is it an omen? Okay I'm going overboard. Exaggerating. But really, it's a HUGE pimple. It's the first thing you'll notice about me when you see me. Hmm. Maybe being such a bum/ this summer isn't so bad after all.
It's weird isn't it? That you get exactly what you don't want. That you have something that others want. That you envy a certain someone. That a certain someone envies you. That you're too young for some things and too old for some other stuff. That when you need something so bad, it's not there. That someone always seems to have a better life than you have. That you fail when you try so hard. That you fall for the wrong people, that you always make the wrong decisions and no matter what, it's always your fault. Life is weird.
My five-year old sister is addicted to Disney. Yup, the whole world of Disney--magic, princesses, evil witches, poisoned apples, princes, mermaids, fairies, talking toys and dolls, glitter, fantasy, and happily ever afters. She dresses up in pink dresses and ribbons. She twirls around and sings Disney songs and declared she's a princess. She feels beautiful when her hair is fixed. She never ever gets tired of watching those movies over and over again. Watching her, I've come to realize that there are no such things as happily ever afters. And time will come when she too, will realize that.
Texting you after almost three or four months provided me with a feeling I cannot understand. When I saw your name in my inbox, I thought,
"What's this? It doesn't belong here."
Your name in my inbox is foreign to me now. You don't send me messages anymore, since I became his girlfriend, but we can talk normally now, without as much tension as before. I don't even expect messages from you anymore. But lately, you've been texting. I feel uneasy. Maybe I still AM affected by the things you do. We're friends still, but it's not the same anymore.
It sucks having a monthly period. You can't sit just anywhere, in fear of leaving a stain when you stand up. You can't ride a bicycle. You can't wear light colored pants or shorts--just in case you also leave a stain. You can't run around. It feels really uncomfortable. You can't sit lazily, or raise your leg when you're sitting. Taking a bath also feels a bit yucky with the blood and all. Urgh. And this bloody mess happens for more or less a week every freaking month. I'm Oh well. It's better than NOT having your period. Haha.
I haven't heard his voice in two weeks. But we text each other 24/7 anyway so it's still pretty much the same. But just a while ago, my cellphone rang. It was him. For the first time ever (funny, I know) he called me. We had a three-minute conversation before the line went dead. Ah damn cellphones. But that simple call made me really happy. And thanks to that call, I now have something to write about. Texting still isn't the same as talking to him. I do miss his voice and "everything attached to it". I'm coming home soon. :)
What's wrong? Judging by the number and content of the comments you've been giving me on Friendster, you are anything but fine. Oh I know you hide it well. I know you can smile and act like everything's fine. I've seen you cry and stop crying in seconds. Talented actress who used to never tell anyone about her problems. Don't worry. When I come back, we'll do what you want: a whole night of beer and booze and stories and catching up and the best friends one will ever have. Just wait for it, okay? Hang on. Soon.
People are starting to greet me now. But heck, my birthday still isn't until tomorrow. I don't want it. Not looking forward to it. I want to be 16 forever. Okay,last year I said that I wanted to be 15 forever. Oh well. I don't want to be 17. I don't. It's too old for me. I'm growing up too fast. Because I really don't want to grow up. That's why I don't look forward to birthdays. But I wonder why.. I wonder why I still don't want people to forget about it. Even though I don't like birthdays.
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