REPORT A PROBLEM
dear little sweet four-year old who's very charming, daring, aggressive and seems to have no fears at all. look at me. promise me you'll never be like me. i was flattered and sad when you said you want to be just like me. please don't ever want to be like me again. i'm not a good girl. i lie, curse, smoke and drink. life isn't easy but i'm happy. i don't want you to experience consequences. i want you to be happy but not like me. try to be a better person than your eldest sister.please.for me.
he takes his hand out of his pocket and comes up with little less than a hundred pesos. i look inside my wallet and see a little more than a hundred. we shrug and smile at each other with embarrassed looks on our faces. we hold hands and walk back to grove. we have dinner with our little money. we borrow a motorcycle and he takes me home. i don't go in right away. we talk and try to figure out the constellations. i smile before i go in and he leaves.
simplicity. happiness. mushiness. happy one month to us. :)
to the fat girl who's always in area51 downloading porn for more than 13 hours straight everytime aka Fat DL Porn Lady. i wonder where you get your money. i wonder why you'd rather spend billions in a shop than buy your own computer and put up DSL in your place. are you aware that we get freaked out when you laugh aloud to yourself? i also wonder if you live a sad life--sad enough to be doing nothing but watching, reading, downloading porn. i sort of pity you and even feel sad even though i laugh at you.
nothing calms me down the best except for ice cream. maybe it's my inner kid, screaming for the cold, soothing calmness only icecream can bring. the cold treat goes down your throat and as it travels to your stomach, it spreads the calm feeling all over your body. for me, ice cream is magic. it can take away any kind of hurt, from a scratched knee to an irritated mind to a broken heart. it helps you forget for the meantime. like beer, only you don't get tipsy. but sometimes, i'd like to experience a problem ice cream.
the last two words of my last entry got erased. it should have been
"i'd like to experience a problem ice cream can't solve."
let's go on.
i'm a selfish bitch. i am over the top possessive. i'm greedier than the rest. what i want and what i like, i really do. i am one of the bitchiest people you will ever meet when it comes to possessions--whether material or with people. i get jealous and greedy easily when it comes to a lot of things--even though they're not mine. what more with the things i really own?
to the short, chubby, dark girl who's sitting beside the table in front of me in the library, the girl in the white polo shirt, beige shorts and slippers, hair a short bob with bangs. i wonder why you're here. i wonder why for the past three hours you've been reading the same page of the same book. i'm waiting for someone, i got bored so i watched you instead. besides, my neck doesn't hurt when i look at you. oh. goodbye now, some guy pulled you up. i wonder why you're crying.
none of my business after all.
i am a naturally competitive person. i like competing for something and i like winning even more. people tell me to stop trying to compete.
i love competition and i see nothing wrong with it. for me, in order to survive and come out on top, one must be competitive. when you compete, you have a goal. you mark an X on a certain point and you know that you must do anything in order to get there. competition takes people to places. because of my competitive spirit, i learn to want to make myself better in order to get what i want.
don't say "i know exactly how you feel" when you really don't. it sucks. but i've made that mistake a number of times already.
"i know exactly how you feel"
when my mom died didn't make me feel any better. you still have both your parents so you DON'T know how i feel.
"i know exactly how you feel"
when i flunked a subject didn't work because you have good grades.
don't ever say you understand someone when you really don't. a hug is enough. but you will never truly understand someone when you've never experienced what they're experiencing.
seeing old friends is really something else. although we've moved on, made new friends, the bond never really disappeared. even though we had a big conflict, the friendship was still there. we didn't need to have a bull session to set things straight. the feeling was mutual: we wanted to straighten things out. and we did. and never brought up the conflict again. because the bond we had was really strong-sooo strong that it will always be there.even though we go to different schools, do different stuff and have different friends.
some friends are really there for keeps. :)
bitch. yes, you. so you still like him, so you still want him. who cares? i do, i'm his girlfriend now. me, not you. do you want me to rub it in your face that everything about you was just a joke? honestly, i'm not worried, but i'm very pissed.i'm going to tell you this once and i really hope you listen, bitch. stop sending him messages! it just makes my blood boil. i'm very greedy and i possess jealousy. seriously, if you don't stop, one day i'm going to ruin your life. i just might kill you too.
once, i ruined my friendship with someone because we both liked cedrick. but that's not gonna happen again and not just because i'm with jet now. it just sucks, knowing you hid this for 10 months. i turned out to be hurting someone i didn't want to hurt the most-
. i told you all my ced dilemmas to, not knowing you were hurting. one guy will never end our friendship.
he's ONLY a guy
. okay, so he's the only guy who made me fall sooo hard for more than a year..
are worth more than any guy. :)
REGRET PART 1
Have you ever done something that you regretted the next day? i'd like to say i never regret, but i do and regret more than i admit.
december 15 2006. ultimate alcohol intake. the alcohol drowned me--went through my body, making me forget everything that pushed me to drink that much. i fell into a deep sleep. when i woke up, he was staring at me and telling me how wrong i was. i looked down in defeat and let them take me home. i regret that he saw me so wasted. i really regret.
REGRET PART 2
During that time, he was the most significant person in my life. head over heels? i think it was more than that. suddenly, everything was about him. he's not mine, though during those days, i would have liked that. i'd go to drinking parties but when i fell for him, the taste of alcohol changed. he didn't approve of my drinking and i really wanted him to love me back.
i wanted to change the way he looked at me as a friend.
how wrong that was, i now realize--to make your life and decisions dependent on a single person.
REGRET PART 3 (CONCLUSION)
i thought that if maybe i stopped drinking, he would love me back. i made a pact not to drink for a year. i wasn't even tempted to. Hah. The things that happen to you when you fall. and so, one year of no alcohol intake.
december 15 2007. i could drink again, and i DID drink. the turning point--i was starting to like another guy and i realized i have my own life. i'd just be myself. i don't have to change anything.
perhaps, this is finally closing the door. no turning back. NO REGRETS THIS TIME. :)
the young high school freshman trembled as she entered the car and sat on the passenger seat. beside her, was the driver that everyone trusted.it's time for school and he would take her there like he always did. he would pull her closer to him and try to kiss her like he always did. she would sit still and blink back tears like she always did. and he would grab her arm and hold on so tight that it hurt.everyday and everyday was always the same.
5 years and counting.she's learned to fight.but she's still afraid to speak up.
so now my uncle knows about jet and me. i just had to laugh. he was bound to find out anyway. with our connections? HA! my uncle,his uncle and two brothers all play together in MAC. his dad and grandmother are always at our place because they're churchmates of my grandmother. his dad knows my parents and uncle. his father and uncle knows the chancellor's family who are also close friends of our family. it's really weird and funny when you think about it. with all our connections, it would have been impossible if we had never met. right?
everyday i feel that the urge to talk to nyka is getting stronger. even though things between us are seriously more than okay right now, i still feel that i owe her a serious conversation and explantion about what really happened then.
she was one of my closest friends back in high school. and almost
losing everything we had all because of a guy is just not right
. even though things sort of fell into place and sorted out everything by themselves, i still feel a bit guilty. i also deeply regret that back then, i didn't have enough guts.
"it's safer if the driver picks you up at night." my grandparents always say whenever i go home late and i only commute. (jet takes me home but they don't have to know.)
if they only knew. oh, if they only knew the truth. if they only knew about the number of times he pulled over and tried to do something. if they only knew the way he holds my wrist and squeezes it until it turns red.if they only knew.
i've always had guts to do anything. i wonder why i don't have guts to tell on him.
"how long have you been together?"
"we're going on two months."
"you became a couple just recently? i don't know where i got the idea but i thought you were already in your 6th or 8th month."
"really? we haven't even reached two months yet!"
"so you're still in that drunken stage. you know, mushy and lovey-dovey. when you're already counting years, like us? four years. you already see everything bad about your partner.but that doesn't make you break up.because you love him.
with all your heart and for who he is
look up, first star you see tonight. whisper a wish. believe with all your heart. step on all the lines of the pedestrian lane you cross everyday. close your eyes, make a wish. see that yellow car? your crush is thinking of you. count a hundred yellow cars and your wish will come true.
millions of other people are wishing on that same star, on those pedestrian lanes and yellow cars that pass by. but i still believe in the magic of wishes. and there's nothing wrong with believing because it makes you still have something to look forward to.
we lie to get what we want. we lie to protect ourselves. we lie as not to hurt other people. we lie because we are scared. we lie because it's so darn easy. maybe that's why we get tempted to lie, because it's EASY, and we almost always never get caught. all it takes some imagination and lots of logic. no professional acting skills needed either.you just have to perfect a certain kind of sweet smile.and your voice should never tremble.also practice eye contact and never be the first one to look away.
damn.it's SO EASY.
"you look really good. you look REALLY happy nowadays. there's something different about your aura. he takes good care of you, huh?"
i smiled when rovel said that.he's a high school batchmate.i rarely see him around now but when i do, it's special. he explained he can tell that jet is good for me and that he makes me happy. he told me something again. then i smiled sadly.
"your aura is just like hers when i was so in love and courting her. that was before i left her and made her cry. how i regret that."
major catching up session with one of my longest and first friends. i slept over and it was just like old times. we had loads of plans--go to the same high school and university and work together and live together.
we went to separate high schools and are now in separate campuses. indeed, a lot of things have changed. she graduated valedictorian and i almost didn't graduate from high school.
still, when we get together and we just talk, the years and the gap disappear as we go back to the memories and undeniable magic of our childhood days.
got scolded again by grandparents. got told for the millionth time that i'm known all over elbi, that i have a reputation to uphold and that i'm not doing anything that any proper woman would do. that instead, i stay out all night and flunk my acads and would rather spend time with her friends.
what if our family is known as refined and accomplished? can't i be different? can't i stand out? do i have to be confined to their ways of living? i will do what i want and what makes me happy. i will live how i want.
just got home.
spent the day with him.
felt like the MOST special girl on the planet.
he was all ready to go by the time i woke up.
he held my hand everywhere.
he hugged me from time to time.
he let me drag him into all the stores.
he let me sleep on his lap on the way home.
he held my hand and played with my hair as i lay down.
he covered me with his jacket when it rained.
even though i already had one and he was sick.
he DOES make me feel loved. :)
i called my dad tonight and we had a loooong talk. he was kidding me that he's jealous of my boyfriend and why didn't i tell him sooner. he also told me to enjoy and to take care and just be responsible. i seriously think i'm lucky that i can talk to my dad about these kinds of things.
i also talked to my 6 year old brother and he said "i miss you.come home NOW and bring jethro with you."
i miss them. i really do. but i think that elbi is really the place where i belong.
every time i see her, the irritation and annoyance lessen. maybe because she's stopped saying she hates him or the rude comments have stopped. well, at least she doesn't tell them to me anymore. oh, because we don't talk at all now.
i dont know when that started. it became small talk and then degraded to nothing. actually when i see her, i don't acknowledge her anymore.
hey. i tried. i did my part. she kept pushing me away. like jizza said, i'm not a dog who'll keep running back no matter how many times it has been pushed away.
if you could see me now, you'd be so surprised. your eyes would probably fall out of their sockets.
gone is the shy, quiet goody-goody who always does what needs to be done and never complains. in her place is now this tough, lazy rebel who does what she pleases, lies all the time, talks back and lives with vices.
you can say highschool brought out my real self. the oldies say that friends are supposed to bring out the best in you. ironically, i think the worst in me IS the best in me. and the REAL me.
remind me when it was just the 119 of us confined in one building five days a week? refresh my memory how it felt--intramurals, flag ceremonies, eating in the cafeteria, the dances?
we've moved on, now divided. the batchmates i'm with everyday? we've grown closer. what about the rest? we've no news about you. a lot of things have changed. why can't we find time for a mini-reunion when we're all in one town?
highschool for me is a chapter that will never be closed. even though i've moved on and happier now, it's still fun to look back.
The Tip Jar