07/01 Direct Link
it was a dark and windy night, and there was nothing to see but dark houses, apartments, and big, brooding trees all around. there was nothing to be heard aside from the howling of the wind blowing through the trees and the plaintive meows of our cat.

this was the night i ran away from home.

our house fit right in with the dark houses around. the door was locked. there was no one home to stop me, and i could go at my pleasure.

and so i left. and i ran away over to reg's house, one block away.
07/02 Direct Link
i didn't really notice them until they were pointed out to me, but they were really there. all three, standing out in sharp relief. i don't know why i didn't see them. and i wish you didn't. not again.

don't you remember? he told you not to. if he finds out, he's going to kill you. if you survive til then.

i couldn't ask about it. i had no right. i don't even know when, where, why. i didn't even notice. i feel like such a bad friend.

but please. stop that. stop hurting yourself over someone not worth it.
07/03 Direct Link
confirmed: she hates me. i know why, but i don't understand.

she hates me because i was talking to her ex. hateable? maybe, but it's not like i was going after him. we're friends. they're both my friends.

she hates me because her ex and i were talking about the girl he likes. maybe it was disloyalty to her, but i didn't bring it up. i didn't encourage him. i didn't do anything that would hurt either one of them. i guess it's impossible to please everyone.

she hates me because her ex likes someone else. i don't understand. really.
07/04 Direct Link
they say it symbolizes love.

i keep it in my pocket as a charm, like a talisman against the world, never seen but always there. i keep it there as a reminder that i mustn't succumb to temptation. that i mustn't let myself go. because if i do, it's going to hurt him.

but i can't make myself wear it.

maybe because my heart is still in limbo.

maybe because when the time that i need its reminder most comes, i'd much rather forget and follow my heart and chase my happiness.

no matter who i hurt in the process.
07/05 Direct Link
i admit, seeing him still makes my heart jump a little.
i admit that sitting next to him gives me a certain high, even though i know he'd rather have someone else in my place.
i admit that i get disappointed when he turns away from me to talk with someone else, never mind that the one he prefers is my best friend.
i admit that part of my heart still belongs to him, and probably always will.
and i admit that there is still a tiny part of my heart that still hopes that one day he'll be mine.
07/06 Direct Link
i lost my phone.

i know it was careless of me to forget it, and it was my fault that i realized it was gone one hour later. so of course, when i went back for it, it was gone.

still, i kind of hoped that whoever picked it up would turn it in. call me naive, but for some reason i still believed in other people.

i guess i was wrong. life is hard after all. and as my friend told me, finders keepers. i guess whoever found my phone felt the same way. i was wrong about people
07/07 Direct Link
monmon and evan told me not to report to some of the people in ERG, because they were "mayabang" and "babaero". they asked me how long i talked with this guy i reported to. i don't understand why. and ix won't tell me either. no fair.

is it because i'm a girl? they had no problem with ix associating with those people, so i guess that's the case, since that's the only difference between us that i can think of right now. but WHY? what's wrong with me being a girl?

i wish someone would explain it to me. because i don't get it at all.
07/08 Direct Link

"parang elevator lang yan e, bakit mo pagsisiksikan yung sarili mo kung wala ng pwesto para sayo, e meron namang hagdan.." -bob ong

kung ang pag-ibig ay isang 50 story building, paano ka makakarating sa pinakaitaas? nung una, hinintay ko yung elevator. pero hindi ako makasakay kahit gaano katagal ako naghintay. buti na lang may hagdan.

50 floors? kaya naman siguro.

1st floor: mukhang kakayanin nga. ni hindi man lang ako napapagod. medyo nageenjoy pa ko at natutuwa dahil hindi ko na kailangan maghintay ng elevator.

2nd floor: kaya pa. hindi pa ko pagod, at
07/09 Direct Link

hindi ko naman pinagsisisihan ang desisyon ko na maghagdan na lang. hindi pa.

3rd floor: medyo napapagod na ko. pero napagdesisyunan ko na ito. at dapat tapusin ko ang sinimulan ko.

4th floor: pagod na ako. mali nga kaya ang naging desisyon ko? hindi maaari...

at muli, namataan ko ang elevator. pangalawang pagkakataon? maaari. pero sobrang laki pa rin ng posibilidad na wala pa ring pwesto dito para sa akin. anong gagawin ko? ipagpapatuloy ko pa ba ang mahirap at matarik na daan paakyat ng hagdan? o maghihintay ba ako sa elevator ng walang katiyakan?
07/10 Direct Link
today is UP walk out day. students are told not to go to class as a protest on abolishing the University Student Council.

i am going to go to my classes, not because i feel like being a kill joy, but because i don't really see the point. i don't feel the effects of having the USC, and i didn't feel it at all when they decided to abolish it.

a friend said i was so "corny", not participating and all that. i guess i'm not much of an activist. and i don't fight for something i know nothing about.
07/11 Direct Link
"it will be fine."

optimistic? yeah, maybe. does it sound like me? not anymore, it doesn't. but believe it or not, that's me talking. rather, that was me, way back in 2nd year high school.

layl was my group mate then, for a lot of things, and when the year ended he told me "i salute your attitude." that was kind of funny, because he always hated it when all i say about each and every problem we encounter is "it will be fine." but then in the end, it would be. always. i guess that's how high school works.
07/12 Direct Link
the walk home is 10 to 20 minutes long, depending on how fast or slow you walk.

it was raining today when we set off for home. our umbrella has holes in it, and my jeans were covered in mud, but i didn't care. it was the first time we walked home together, just the two of us, in a long long time.

it was hard to find something to talk about. maybe because his teeth were hurting from the newly tightened braces. so i babbled until he responded.

the 15 minute walk in the rain wasn't very long after all.
07/13 Direct Link
you've studied for an exam and you think you're ready. you walk in the room and take your seat and watch the goings-on around you. a substitute walks in and says, "you're instructor's not here but he left me your quiz."

he flashes a problem with the LCD projector and says, "ok, you have one minute."

you panic. simply because there's nothing left to do.

and you fail.

you're shocked. your mind blocks out everything else but your thoughts swirling in your head. oh my god oh my god oh my god oh god. what just happened?

all systems stop.
07/14 Direct Link
PW, lunch, stolen kisses. Monday. then off to a meeting and a walk home with another guy.

i'm not really going against his back, since it's just a crush. and an unrequited crush at that. no harm in it. really.

but i do feel guilty. and i was going to tell him about it today but i just can't. because we're happy. he's happy. and i just can't ruin it all for him.

but i would be lying if i said he was the only one who was happy. i am too. very. and that's what makes it most confusing.
07/15 Direct Link
boy meets girl. girl falls for boy. boy doesn't.

girl meets boy's brother. they click.

the catch? big brother's a big daddy too. and girl is just that. a young girl, maybe in love.

in a way, i hope not. maybe i'm being a KJ and maybe i'm being overly cautious, but i don't want her hurt. he's an older man and he could hurt her in more ways than his little brother even could.

and if ever you get together, even though big daddy isn't married to big mommy, most stupid people will always see you as the other woman.
07/16 Direct Link
she was a fat 5 year old. all the adults said she was really cute. all the kids called her names, mostly PIG. poor kid, she wanted so much to be accepted. so she devised a diet, and drastically lost weight. her parents never noticed.

she is 17 years old. she says she's too thin, yet sometimes she wonders if her waist is getting too big. she knows she has to eat three times a day, but sometimes she only eats once. she can never seem to find the appetite to eat. she is steadily losing weight. and nobody notices.
07/17 Direct Link
he asked, "anong pangarap mo?"

i didn't say anything. it's not because i was nervous, because i wasn't. not much, anyway. i just didn't know what to say. maybe i didn't have one.

scrap that. i really don't have one. i have never in my life thought about what i want to happen to me. i have never thought about what i want to do. i simply did what i had to.

maybe it's because i'm too practical to have a dream of my own. or maybe i'm too much of a pleaser to be happy following my own will.
07/18 Direct Link
what's in a name? they say a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but i don't think the rose would like it if you call her "poop", even if it smelled as sweet as ever.

they don't all know my name, but they all know me as the OS. it's flattering sometimes, but most of the time it's embarassing. and very, very annoying.

maybe saying so sounds arrogant. after all, it's supposed to be a compliment, and i shouldn't hate it so much. but i do. because i have a name, and it's definitely not Oblation scholar.
07/19 Direct Link
"and if you give a damn, take me baby or leave me."

one moment sweet and accomodating, the next so cold and distant. are toying with her feelings? i hope not. but then again, maybe it's second nature for you to act that way. maybe it's second nature for you to make a girl feel so special, and then make her feel like crap.

maybe it's her fault for assuming what you never really said.but she's a girl and she's in love, and the least you can do is take care of her. even if you don't want to.
07/20 Direct Link
the clock is ticking. 5 minutes left. you frantically think, yet you just couldn't remember what the answer is. the bell rings. time's up!

you dash out and try to find your friends in the mob trying to do the same thing. when you do, the inevitable question comes up: anong sagot mo sa number *blank*?

every exam this happens. the asking, the verifying, the mind-frying recalling. i wonder if it really helps. i wonder if it matters to know if you answered the way everyone else did. i wonder if it matters to know in advance that you failed.
07/21 Direct Link
he says goodbye, and as he walks away she heaves a huge sigh of relief. yes, she loved him-sometimes. often she did not. and his visits almost always left her feeling dirty and used afterwards, even though nothing really extreme happened. perhaps it wasn't really about what happened. perhaps it was about what didn't happen.

he was always so physical. maybe doing so made him feel better, but she certainly didn't feel the same way. he didn't understand what she really wanted. because the truth was, all she wants is a little less lust, and a little more love.
07/22 Direct Link
it was straight out of an old gangster movie. an outsider walks in and everyone looks at him curiously. he is looking for someone. yet he finds someone else: her, wrapped around in the arms of the someone he's looking for.

in the background, you can hear caught you in the arms of another...

how does he feel? who knows. his face is impossible to read. maybe he expected this. maybe he knew about it all along. maybe he didn't care. maybe he wasn't interested in her. and even if he was, there was nothing he could do about it.
07/23 Direct Link
all the world's a stage. the words people say are simply lines; the smiles, the tears, the fights are all part of the script. their personalities are simply parts they play.

yet though the world seems so scripted and the people seem like actors, the drama of the stage can never compare to the drama of real life.

when the last scene ends, when the last line is given, when the curtain falls where would you be? would you be the star of the show, remembered, pampered and encored? or would you be like the extra, hardworking and overlooked?
07/24 Direct Link
she walks down the messy, dirty, cockroach and rat infested road with a carry all in one hand and a shoulder bag on the other, perfectly polished and aloof in appearance. behind her, a parked car screeched its protest as people bumped and banged into it, but she paid it no attention.

where did she come from? who knows. perhaps from far away, judging from the luggage and the aura she exuded. where is she going? again, no one knows. but perhaps it should be somewhere nearby. somewhere in this loud, grimy, rowdy suburb that she is currently gliding through.
07/25 Direct Link
i have such a one-track mind.

reading my posts seem like hearing an endless tirade about a single topic. sure, i switch topics once in a while, but i swerve back just as quickly.

some say that's a good thing. they say having a one track mind makes it seems as though you are telling only one story, even though it is broken at intervals of minutes, hours, days, months. and they never lose track of what you are saying.

but still. looking at, reading about, thinking of the same thing, even when from different points of view, is BORING.
07/26 Direct Link
07/27 Direct Link
they're all the same. fair-skinned, pimple-free, with long, silky, jet black tresses worthy of a shampoo commercial. cute clones of each other. i sound bitter, yes, but what the hell. i AM.

he introduced his kinakapatid to me. the one he's liked since forever. and she really was all that. just like reg, only much, much, MUCH prettier, if that's even possible. she's cute, and seems sweet, and looks like the type of girl all the guys would want. she's exactly the type of girl i can't be. how can i possibly compete?

*sigh* i might as well give up.
07/28 Direct Link
"where are you taking me?" he said.

"i'm taking you home with me," she grinned.

"i can't come with you."

her heart dropped down to her toes as she heard what he said. maybe it was disappointment. maybe it was the rejection that hurt. maybe it was the spoiled brat in her having qualms about not getting what she wanted.

but she really hated the fact that he said no. and she really resented what happened. and she resolved to never, ever do the inviting again, and to say no to whatever he asked of her.

revenge really is sweet.
07/29 Direct Link
little thoughts post fight with bf, as stored in my cellphone:

entry one:
if i knew how to smoke, i'd be smoking now. maybe i'd ask ix to teach me.. wait, this is all his fault in the first place.. or is it? is it johnjohn's? isn't it mine? isn't this all my fault? oh shit.

entry two:
piso. that's all i'm worth to him. that's all he decided to sacrifice when i went and disappeared. that's all he was willing to give. one text message. he didn't even bother to look for me. he didn't even bother to care.
07/30 Direct Link
entry three:
malaki ang elbi. i could've gone home. i could've gone to class. i could've ran to some friend's house to weep my heart out, if i had any. i could've gone to the freedom park to make a scene among the PDA-ing couples. i could've gone for a walk to fry under the noonday sun. i could've gone and killed myself,

entry four:
misery does wonders to my writing.

entry five:
we never talk about problems. maybe that's what's wrong with us.

entry 6:
he's so sweet when i'm mad at him. maybe that's why i always am.
07/31 Direct Link
entry 7:
he said he'll stay away from me because he's hurting me. i agreed, but not because of that. i agreed because i'm hurting him and i know it. Because sometimes I think Iím hurting him on purpose. just so heíd go away. This is nasty.

entry 6:
I feel no pain at all. just a vague sense of loss, regret, and maybe longing. I feel like thereís something missing. maybe i miss him already. But then again, maybe i don't. the freedom is kind of refreshing. Intoxicating even. I havenít felt this way in a long, long time.