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11/01 Direct Link
So many things
Happening
Not
This month
This minute
wait
hope
try
cry
melt all together
Fused insides
Like a lamp that needs
Re-wired
Tired
raw
Keep going
Not knowing
Whatís coming
Soon its snowing
And love keeps on
Keep on keeping on
Writing love
On my arms
Chewing on my lips
To keep from smoking
My lips are bloody
my heart is broken
Healing
coping
Iím dealing
With all this
Ailment
Aching
Drinking coffee
With a nose bleed
Cookie baking
Itís breakfast Iím making
Stitching up my heart
In time
Pulling out splintery lies
Each stitch
From each rhyme
11/02 Direct Link
hip to be square
a secret plan
california dreams
drift out to sea
on a winters night
it's cold getting colder
pray for snow
small town getting smaller
squeezing me out
of my life
take a step away
day by day
my decisions are mine
mile by mile
maybe
i can remember
how to smile
people scold
making me afraid to get
old
i wanna always
be able
to smell adventure in the wind
misbehavior for little whims

maybe they need a mimzy
one to hold the whole sea
they could hold the mimzy
not me
wishingly
parting ways quietly

11/03 Direct Link
Morning
The time changed last night
I feel draggy and tired
My coffee is funny
But that might be me
Still sick
Words
Just
Wonít
Stick
To form anything good
So
I just donít know
What
To do with my life
I play duck duck goose
To decide
And hate it
Iím going in circles
And everyoneís telling me
Itís fine

Cinnamon waffles
Twice baked
I still feel squishy too
Too new
But I think about turning
Twenty-five
And feel things are
Re-arranging

I want to knit
Yarnaholic
Addict
Nervous habit
I
Ran
Out
Of
yarn

no carpe diem
Monday

11/04 Direct Link
After the week I had
Itís a relief to know
About pms
That Iím not just
Atrocious

Election day
Make the whole country come to a stop
Peopleís hate canít keep going on
Itís time for resolution

I donít want to argue about this

Find a happy thought
Snow
Itís the only job
I can get right now
I want to know why
I ask
For answers that donít exist
No one knows

I feel attention deficit
Canít concentrate
On anything
Canít stop tapping my hands
Feet
Toes
Still jumpy
Avoiding meds

Donít want it to end in medias res

11/05 Direct Link
Free write, no starch. Iím thinking. Iím hoping. Throwing words. Desperately collecting them. Teeter tottering between pacifying myself and telling me the truth. About my life. About my choices. About my vote. About my future. Iím tired, so young to be tired.

Stir it up, stir it up, cmon and stir it up. I reevaluate. Recalculate. I change, I am. New plans. Maybe Iím not square. I might be fresh. Appley fresh. What if Iím either. No one will say, so I will choose. I say it over again. Reminding me I have my voice, my life.

Iím no puppet.

11/06 Direct Link
Writing so late today
So many people around
Wanting to freewrite
But not feeling
Free

Just want to be playing guitar
I have new things
I want to try
Ideas
Songs
Melodies stuck inside
So much going on
In my head
My goal is not to rhyme
I canít
How?

I just talked for hours
Nothing is different
Except me
Maybe
Not giving up

I wish i was fantastically productive
But i took the day off
To play

And escape an endless conversation
About sweet potatoes
Drawled to death
The word yay-ahms is made more southern
Than iíll ever be

11/07 Direct Link
I want to knit a tree cozy. I can use my swatches, patches and leftovers. Iíll pick a tree outside my window, so winter will be colorful. Iíll share. Trees are for communities. Iíll feel warm and fuzzy inside and the tree won't look barren and cold. Itíll be more fun than year round Christmas lights. I donít know what family will say. I wonder. Itíll be striped, spotted, patched and a ephemera, hodge-podge of spun loveliness. Iíll construct the be-all and end-all of tree cozies. Everyone will look, and the tree will maybe blush or something. Just you wait.
11/08 Direct Link
Again

Dawn
Feeling
Like I might be a
Chimera
A wild thing
Imagined
Longing
To be made real
Being safe and
Subdued
Instead of
Calculatingly
Manipulated
I materialized from the snow
Now
Trying
To become
Something other than
My birthright
Allows
Now half one thing
And half another
Driven by fear
Exacting madness
Manic and dysphoric
Am
I
My
Own
Chimera?

Iíll rip this body of fear from my life
Or die vainly trying
LOVE
NEVER
FAILS
But imagined beasts
Do
Scripture
Painting
Tablature
Create an
Exorcist harmony
I pray
On my own
Where my heart can be made
Vulnerable

11/09 Direct Link
La la la
An amazing morning
Living up to my name today
Happily
Dictionary says
Fay being
Strange
Whimsical

A pancake making fairy
Vanilla coconut homemade maple syrup
Makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside
All the silence
Has gone to my head
I feel drunk on silence
Once again
This morning is mine
Reality free
For now
I admit I need that
Escape

Making a renewed commitment to knitting socks
Buying needles begets buying more needles
An obsession perhaps
A grain of truth
With seventeen needles sitting next to me
The more I knit the less I miss smoking

11/10 Direct Link
Not suddenly
Monday
Again
Sigh
How does this keep happening?
My life is passing me by
Soon to be
Gone
Like a bag of potato chips
Quickly
I need more practice at this
Settling
I need a little help
I donít want everything
To be grownup
Bland
Lifeless
Explainable

I want life to be resplendent
With fireflies
Fingerpaints
Walls to color on
I donít want
To live in a
World
Without new discoveries
Like Wa Wa Wubzie
Magic
Making mundane things
Games
That I can always win
As the heroine

With my hands
I want to make things
Beautiful again

11/11 Direct Link
Last night
Family was sleeping
If the BFG was there
Heíd whisper
It was the witching hour
When he delivered lovely dreams
To sleepers
When the whole world slept obediently
As mischievous little girls
Indulged insomnia

I dreamed
Of reality
All day
Yesterday
I felt hopeless
Mournful
A large part of my heart
Seems
Gray
Black and white movie style
Stitched up
Secondhand used
Dragged through the dirt
Like a security blanket

I discovered
A tiny corner of my heart
Is in fact alive
It wasnít
But is now
It burns in color
Vibrant and un-quelled
This time
Iíll protect it

11/12 Direct Link
Songs grow
Or stunt
Us
Becoming changed and malleable
Ruthlessly so
My heart searches for
A different song to sing
And craves so many different
Thinks
I left the rock
Remotest place on earth
Still I live in a fishbowl culture
I canít grow here either
I need more help than I can give myself
I never know where to look
Or what to say
Shouting
I wanna be sedated
Knowing
So many have said it before me
And found numbness
It eludes me
Sedation

I shove it forcefully away
I
Know
That there is more to life
Than this

11/13 Direct Link
One two
Kerouac blues
Three four
He opens the door
Five six
Leave the house in the sticks
Seven eight
True to his name
Nine ten
On the road again

Iím jealous
Wondering how it ended
The more I try and sit still
The more my insides squirm
Misbehaving
Sliding out from under my grip
Like a beach ball Iím trying
To hold underwater
I see
Journals
Photos that capture me
Even though someone else is looking out
Wanderlust

Iíd give anything to change
Unless anyone else is crazy enough
To share my dogeared suitcase
and make a lovely life

11/14 Direct Link
Some mornings. My coffee is cold, the family is loud, Iím thinking about a zillion and two things. Especially my first finals in more than four years, I want ice cream for breakfast in my coffee, I canít have it now Iím lactose intolerant. I am consumed by my job search, half everyone I know tells me itís impossible, and half tells me nothing is. I can count the number of people on one hand that ever really expect me to be more than I am now, who I want to become. I thirst for change, finding my cup dry.
11/15 Direct Link
Backwriting
Making things up
Inventation
Nonsesicola
Wisha my wordses sounded
As good to my guitar
As they do in my mind
Keep goingoingoing
Until I get sick of this game

I want to write something that means Something
To be close to someone

I want to write you
Iím curious who you are
Wondering what you think I am
And pondering why it means so much
ĎItís better to have vegetables
With someone you love,
Than meat
With someone you despise.í
says Proverbs
I love veggies
I think we have things in common...

Still too near
A beginning
To say

11/16 Direct Link
Go away!
I said
Using an exclamation point
As the words came out of my mouth
Now I only have a couple left
One of two meted out for an entire piece of writing

I want to write free
Safe place
Snow is beautiful
But it hems me inside the house
Making me crazy
I must find ways to deal
Music seems good
Headphones
I need a new pair
Haven
HEADPHONES!
Iíll buy some soon
Sanity costs about 30 dollars
Per exquisite pair

Iíve been interrupted one million times
And gotten up 4 times
Why wonít they let me be

11/17 Direct Link
Race riots are ugly things
Itís two-thousand-eight
I thought they were over
But
Thatís not true
What makes people passionately
Energetically hate each other?
Iíll never understand
Iíll never be like them
I donít care how far south I go
If thatís what itís all about
I just donít want to be a hater
I want to be a lover
So few people
Are actually any good at that
Still, itís not hopeless
Not yet dead
It lives
With a fiery heart and fierce eyes
Hope survives

The world just keeps on changing
Iím afraid to say what I think

11/18 Direct Link
I feel unchallenged
I speak only one language right now
Iím not learning another
School isnít a challenge
Math is easily conquered
English has always been mine
I make small changes and corrections
Focusing on daily disciplines
Something inside me refuses to
Settle peacefully
Simply wonít die
Again and again I try to kill it
This part of me that
Refuses the peaceful chains of
Domestic bliss
And domicile servitude
A hunger for adventure
And a restless soul
Wandering from country to country
Outwardly wasting away
Needing a haircut
Tolls of uneasy travel
Inwardly renewed
Day by day
I remember
11/19 Direct Link
Disjointed feelings
Familial confusion
Holidays stalk me
perky people annoy
I feel irritable
When they ask how happy I am about encroaching doom
Holidays
I lie and smooth over my life
Squeezing words out
Like I am now
I never know how to explain
I can go for half a year
Not speaking to
People who should be
The most important in my world
I stopped needing them
A long time ago
This truth seems
The same as a lumpy clay ashtray
Thrown away to goodwill
Awkward and unwanted
Made by tiny hands
Like my understanding of my childhood

Huh?

11/20 Direct Link
I sat in this room yesterday
Watching for a half hour
A baby spider
Motionless I was
As he swayed in a breeze
I couldnít feel
I claim Howlís love of spiders
I only lack a castle
While Waiting patiently for a Howl
To see me
Hopefully Iím as lovable as Sophie
I feel quiet
Imagining
Sophieís spiders
And mine
I see the tiny, leggy, black dot
Descend slowly
With no concept of time
His invisible web
Spins me in
Timelessly
Effortlessly
I canít leave the breakroom
Till he travels all the way
From ceiling to floor
tile to tile
11/21 Direct Link
All day I dream about
Neroli jasmine perfume
Wishing I was pretty like that
A long black braid
Cascading down my back
With pristine white jasmine blossoms
Feminine
Caramel skin
Clear and perfect
With tiny girlish
Shoulders that are hug shaped
The same way the half moon crescent
Holds a shadowy half circle
Iíd fit perfectly with another person
Held
Loved
Fresh and mysterious
Desired like Ms. Orange Blossom

I find that Iím Ms. Coconut Blossom
No such thing really
Scented tropical
like a memory I hold on to still
Iím bold fruit in a whole pile
Of fragile flowers

11/22 Direct Link
Itís snowing again. Part of me is satisfied. Like a cold, white security blanket, it comforts me. I waited all summer to look out my window and see the crispy, clean fields of snow shining back at me in dawnís sleepy morning wake-up light. I hear snow crashing, heavy and icy off of the eaves of the house. Unsettling noises sound, as it hits ground. Impossible to forget the snow once it comes for the year. Daily, I check the thermometer, it falls. If it was a birdís flight pattern Iíd be worried. Iíve traded one beautiful prison for another.
11/23 Direct Link
In retrospect
I realize I wonder
How did my life take this path?
Surrounded by Midwestern flurries
Instead of Pacific sand
I feel miserable
Sick is too mild a word
So.
I put my Hawaiian ring back on
Randomly mine
Ocean blue
Rings always mean things
Mine is for hope
HOPE
Reminding me
I know things will be good,
Somehow
Life will be good again
Not forever painful

I think of Gilbertís
Mysterious Sufi poem
ďLong ago God drew a circle in the sandÖĒ
My seashell ring is a circle like that
I am where I should be, for now

11/24 Direct Link
This morning I try new things, waffles are familiar. I wonder how Iíll get all my finals done. I hope Iíll pass. Itís been six years since I took a test like that. If I can survive, I bet I can accomplish anything. I wonder if Iím really ok. I wish there was a litmus test so I might know for sure. I feel fine right now. Later. Iíll feel like Iím watching my life crumble up like a piece of paper. Iíll feel shredded. What I really want is to find a way to be a ninja turtle instead.
11/25 Direct Link
Whoop!
Make a noise
Any noise at all
Just to hear my voice
I sing
Until i have something good to say
So negative
My thoughts this month
I have to be real though
Sometimes
I donít even want
To be in my own head with me
Donít know what iím doing
But iím doing something
And thatís what matters
Is not giving in
And having friends that will listen
I feel all messy
Sometimes hopeless
Burned out
But thereís a glimmer
Folded deep in myself
One worth saving
11/26 Direct Link
This morning I try new things, waffles are familiar. I wonder how Iíll get all my finals done. I hope Iíll pass. Itís been six years since I took a test like that. If I can survive, I bet I can accomplish anything. I wonder if Iím really ok. I wish there was a litmus test so I might know for sure. I feel fine right now. Later. Iíll feel like Iím watching my life crumble up like a piece of paper. Iíll feel shredded. What I really want is to find a way to be a ninja turtle instead.
11/27 Direct Link
Itís ethereal in the morning,
on a clear day,
while driving to work.
I
Can
See
For
Miles
and miles, much farther than
normal.
In the hazy morning, groggy with distance
burns a huddled scattering of city lights
scattered across the pancake flat horizon.
Waking up, hundreds of thousands of people
all together.

Their humanity keeping each other
warm.
Iím not there. I swerve in my car,
as I stare out the window. Aching to be
in the city.

Remembering my coffee, I down a big gulp,
hoping it will act as sedative, or
induce memory loss.

Iím disappearing sometimes.

11/28 Direct Link
I collect words again, today I loved the sound of hearing Ďretchí, I loved saying Ďsavvyí. They remind me of the science fiction characters that said them, but theyíre mine now. I finally collected a couple words, on purpose. I let them float by me so many times before. I wish I hadnít though. Iíll start now, and try to pay closer attention to everything, really seeing the world around me, experiencing it.

I was in the restroom avoiding going to class, when I noticed the grout in the tile floorís a warm earthy terra cotta red. Which I love.

11/29 Direct Link
A random stranger placed their phone number on my carís windshield last night. Leaving me insatiably curious. Who? Why? How? I almost lost it as I pressed the clean button on my wipers. Wipey, wipey. Off it windily flew. I lunged from the car, only to find it was soggy and had fallen at my feet. I waited, overnight. In the morning I was still wondering who it could be! So I texted them. Even though texted is not a word, they wrote back. I wonder if Iím dealing with a psychopath. I could be the crazy one. Still curiousÖ
11/30 Direct Link
I wrote a letter tonight. I just feel like writing block prose too. Uhuru life, I wish free life was mine. I feel tied. Trapped in a curly doodle. My hairís not surly at all, itís not anything. My skin still feels betwixt. I worry the colorlessness of this place will bleed into me, leeching all the vibrancy I have hidden away deep inside. I worry Iíll be colorless too, transparent and soulless. Like the ghosts that sit in the apple trees. Making eyes at me. I said I donít want to talk anymore. You make me bad kine blue.