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So there are about 4 days till the life-changing experience takes place, 2 weeks (12 days to be exact) until this colossal pain-in-the-butt experience is over for good and a couple of weeks to enjoy before we face dooms day and realise with a pang that weíre not longer kids, results are no longer complete futtocks and fooling around earns you weird looks from the crowd instead of the smug-faced expressions of bystanders whoíve ďseen the worldĒ or little ďawwww how cuteĒs from cooing teenagers in miniskirts trying to pretend theyíre more than what they are. HAHA SHIT HONOES HOW!
So Iím feeling fine and Iím revising like nobodyís business and then someone comes to make me pissed off like facking hell and my answers come out a hundred percent better than how they turn out when Iím fine and focused. Conclusion: someone should come and kill my hamsters before my exams or something, if I had hamsters.
Anyway, everyoneís going on about how this is a milestone and how weíve still got a long road ahead of us. Are you JOKING? Because all I can see now are the 200 metres ahead and celebrations should commence like, NOW. Faggots.
1 FRIGGIN DAY, 2 WEEKS. BHAM, itíll all be over. Come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on COME ON COME ON COME ON!
2 DOWN 8 TO GO. Agh 2 years was 2 years too long, 2 weeks is too weeks too short, this is crazy, I canít believe itís ending. COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON!!!!
Agh Iím so tired, but the moment I lay down to get some sleep, it eludes me. Maybe itís the nervesÖ can you get headaches from suppressed nerves? On Day 1, woke up because of a headache, but I didnít have a temperature or anything, and Iíd had enough sleep and I wasnít feeling nervous. Maybe I was just too tired to notice I was nervous? HAHA thatís a first.
Wish I had more guts to stand up to people who donít deserve help. Make as many excuses as I want but really,
the reason I never say no.
Todayís were tough as frigginí shit and I was falling asleep throughout. Itís the only subject I was confirmedly confident of at least scraping an A but now Iím not too sure. Iím so dreading results all of which look really bad at this point. Aghhhhh. What the hell, better not screw the rest that are to come, it wouldnít be good to disappoint at this stage. Hereís to working too hard in previous years, Iím so out of stamina itís not even funny. WHAT THE HELL. Never mind, the next couple will be so much better! Count on it.
The underbelly of every family's never perfect. I'm luckier than most, I know. What I don't understand is though, how, as Chinese or, actually, the younger generation irregardless of culture, we're supposed to respect our elders no matter what they do. Seems to be the recurring theme of the day, even came up in the exam. I mean seriously, I don't understand it and I hate that I can't bring myself to respect a man I'm supposed to love. I'd love to have the perfect family everyone claims to see. But even basic integrity's missing, he doesnít deserve his wife.
I'm wondering what it says when it gets to such a stage that I don't care what he has to say. The moment he enters the house, I feel a stab of irritation. Sure, there have been times when I feel something close to guilt. But then just when I begin to change my attitude, he goes and destroys all motivation. I'm not blaming him for everything, we're probably at fault too. Then again, heís killed us enough when we try to change. All I can see for the future are monetary exchanges. There isn't any kinship left to feel.
I have the sweetest friends. Can't wait for the exams to end Ė I want to fly those thousand miles over to the place I found my virtual family. This time, I'll be bringing people over so that the almost-split life I feel like I've been living can finally blend. I can't really imagine what it's going to be like, except that in the first ten minutes, they're all going to be wierded out by the other and I'm going to be torn between the two kinds of person I've become. Iím hoping itíll be great. I really hope this works.
One week left, and we're home free. Fuelís running low, I would like to be a Primus stove only just recharged with paraffin so that all that's need is the adrenaline gas and random bits of information I can never cram into my head. Aghhhhhhhhh, thank God for the last day of 2 papers in-a-day tomorrow and thank God for the fact that papers this week are crazy easy, if compared with last week's complete writing fest. But then again, these exams are probably nothing compared to what we've got coming next. AH WTF, TAKE ME SOMEWHERE I CAN LIVE!
3 more to go! I canít believe how fast itís been going. More than 2 months of constant stressing, mugging, rushing - itís finally ending. What the hell, weíre nearly there. Itís hardly believable, I donít know what Iím going to do after. At the end of the day though, I realise I really like what Iíve been doing. Results seem unimportant at this point, all that matters is that weíve done it.
I promise, from Saturday, these entries are (hopefully) going to have new/different content (HAHA) Ė when Iíll have time to stop, and smell the flowers. (Literally Ė SUMMERíS HERE!)
So Iím procrastinating.
Anyway, I was thinking how Iím really never going to find something like what was there 2 years ago, ever again. Because things like that are just that rare, and I left, even before they reached the height. Even then, I was able to feel how amazing, exhilarating, unbelievable, fantastic and justÖ indescribable what we had was. I donít think Iíve really realised how difficult it was going to be to mirror that again, thereís never going to be the same environment, people or opportunities because, well, because. Never again, the same spirit.
. It's what's been missing.
Last night I couldnít get to sleep for ages Ė that seems to be a recurring problem lately, never able to fall asleep the moment I hit the bed, no matter how tired I am. There seems to be some sort of resistance to it, and I find myself thinking about the most random things Ė things that donít matter, things that do; things that happened ages ago, things that happened yesterday; then, Iíd snap out of it and make myself remember information for whatever exams would be taking place the next day and try my best to get to sleep. What?
Post(s) of the day for the last couple of days have been about 100words in general and I must say, I really like this space. It's easy to stay anonymous and you're hardly going to know who's who in real life, but then when reading other people's hundred words, you feel kind of honoured that they're willing to share that part of their lives with you. True to form for the world wide web,
can read what you've written but in this community, it isn't just anyone, it's almost definitely people who share some of the same passions. Thanks!
IT'S OVER IT'S OVER IT'S OVER! Time to review that 2-page document and start the Post-Exam to do list! I can't believe it's over, I don't think it's really sunk in yet. I can't believe that I don't have something to revise right now, it's been like that for about 2 months straight, it's unbelievable - school, home, revision, school, home, revision. Seriously, is it over?
Talk about being ironic though, I really want something to read. It's been such a dry season, what I need most now, is a good
IT'S OVER IT'S OVER IT'S OVER IT'S OVER!
SHOPPING: BIGGEST EVIL EVER INVENTED
Prom dress shopping today - walked the
of Oxford Street, completely a waste of time. I mean, it's all so..
. HAHA I mean, seriously, if everyone wears stuff they've only recently bought, everyone's going to look the same. Ughhhhh I hate fashion. Can't we all just wear jeans and t-shirt everyday and not wear ANY make up at all and not care about how horrible our hair looks? I mean, seriously, at this point I couldn't care less. I should go to the prom in my brother's
t-shirt and board shorts.
Hereís a little dedication to a special friend. Iím not sure what I really am to her, but since we met four years ago, Iíve treated her as one of the best friends a person could have. Sheís genuine and average, but not in an ordinary way. HAHA if that makes sense. She doesnít stand out from the crowd too much, but once you get to know her, you see how she
. I canít believe Iím friends with her Ė she never ever fails to surprise me. For that, I love her and I hope we remain friends forever.
Hockey Stick. Mp3. Pencil Case. Wallet. Paper. Pen. Music. Dresses. Trousers. T-Shirts, loosely fitted. Photographs. Camera. Contacts. Hair Clips. Light. Sun. Beach. Bicycles. Books. Colour. Family. Friends. Teams. Origami. Little Plush Dalmation. Kittens, tamed till adulthood. Puppies, some dogs. Hamsters. Song. Friendship. Virtual Family. Track and Field. TV. Movies. Art. Stars. Sling Bags/Certain sorts of Back packs. Sentiment. Letters, post. Remembrance. Communication. Emails. Initiative. The Sound of Music. The Lion King. The Little Mermaid. Bambi. Disney CLASSICS, in general. Lego. Craft. Chocolate. Chinese - food and language. Food, in general. Ice cream. Grass. Kew Gardens. Richmond Park. Canbury. Study. Favourites.
I just remembered remembering missing a day out. I'm sorry! But this was on Tuesday, I remember it still, as the day when I couldn't get to sleep.
annoying, my mind kept running around in circles on the most random subjects - school, beads, coffee Ö and then, just as I began to feel it calming down, another random thought occurred: How CAN people fall asleep? It's like falling into a state of sub-unconsciousness, WILLINGLY. It was such a wierd thought, and
, kept me up even longer, because I'd forgotten
to go to sleep
She says she wants to get a divorce when we're older and each time I hear that, there's a tug at my heartstrings. When she gets angry, or upset, I panic. And when I hear him utter just a
word, it gets on my nerves. I don't understand it, to be honest, I can't, and I feel beyond embarrassed to have to acknoledge any kinship with him. I can't understand how she's managed to do that all these years, it must be more than thirty. All her life. She's had a fucking hard one, she doesn't deserve this life.
PROM WAS BRILLIANT! It was so, so different from what I was expecting but it was great fun, I couldn't believe it when it turned 12. SUCH a panic at the disco, seriously. One of my first experience of such an atmosphere, no doubt, muscles are going to complain (after such an extreme dry spell from exercise due to exams) tomorrow but I wouldn't have traded it for the world. Looks wise, it was completely disappointing but I couldn't care less. Now, it's time to rest. I'm writing this while the others shower, before we probably talk the night away.
Talk last night was good, despite insecurities with their persona, theyíre good people; I suppose there isn't anything to fear. We're a mismatched trio, school is going to be so different...
, without those two. I can't imagine it, to be honest. I mean, as witty as others are, and as boring as I
, they still aren't as interesting Ė labels can so obviously be applied. I was fooled and hurt once, I couldn't say very deeply, but I'm not going to be hurt again. It takes time for people to notice us, but once we are, itís the genuine article.
I can't pretend I wasn't hurt by what you did, you WERE one of my first good friend in this country. Being who you are, I suppose I couldn't really have expected anything less. You crave attention, and admittedly, I'm not someone people will notice the minute they walk into the room and I don't deny the fact that, being the witty superficial ass you are, people will be drawn to you, with a snap of your fingers or simply by a smile on your pretty face. Still, I can't believe how superficial and ingenuine you turned out to be.
Cheerful, lively, adaptive, grinning, laughable, hopeful, idealistic, optimistic, like bamboo, an act, ingenuine, genuine, sincere, shy, uninteresting, talkative, the opposite of witty, easily tickled sense of humour, enthusiastic, motivated, jolly, wierd, strange, loyal, honest, truthful, liar, a bundle of contradictions, game, spontaneous, organised, hardworking, focused, dependent.
Spineless, myopic, hardworking, good sense of endurance, moody, thoughtful, reflective, easily hurt,
, strong, bright, intelligent, heroic, principled, stubborn, vain, lame, funny.
Strong, brave, independent, focused, a good listener, trustworthy, honest, open, depends on me as much as I depend on him, fun, good sense of humour, individual, all-seeing, gentle, essentially good.
I'm a prefect. Seriously? The
applied, I don't understand - compared to others, there's nothing that marks me out, I don't have qualities others don't. And of course there's the fact that I'm supposed to be in charge of the year 7s. Seriously. I can't work with children. I'm wondering who's my partner though, sheís gonna have one hell of a job. Haha. I'm terrified of this post, I'm wondering why I signed up. Why I was even given this chance? I'm so grateful and surprised by it; Iím also apprehensive. Please donít let me let anyone down.
Induction Day today was FUN: F is for friends who do stuff together. Haha, Spongebob. Anyway, Mr D seems to be one hell of a form tutor; eccentric and quirky, but funny and at the end of the day, very, very good. Yay. Haha. New girls seem nice (how much more boring can I get?), and this new form is going to be amazing, I can see. HAHA. We've got all kinds of different people, but we'll have some fun times. Pity we don't spend much time as a form. Team building games? They rock. Still can't believe I'm Prefect.
WE Law Firm starts in about...4 days. Haven't made the introductory call, I'm trying to email, if She ever heard about that, she'll be on my back. But I'm terrified of making phone calls/ meeting new people alone, in a work environment where everyone's going to treat me like an adult. HAHA, really. I can't imagine it, I'm SO scared, and not having gotten over the shock, WHY WAS I MADE A PREFECT? Talk about being able to hold myself well, I HAVE NO LEADERSHIP or, indeed, SOCIAL QUALITIES OR COURAGE AT ALL. Alrighty, Iíll stop blubbering about growing up.
Spent the afternoon at Borders reading Harry Potter, which I'm beginning to find very, very boring. Haha seriously, I love the imagination but I think it only gets good around the fourth book and by then, the stamina to continue is almost gone.
This (reading at Borders) reminds me of the pen friend phase when I was about 12..haha, there was this thirty year old bloke who wanted to make friends, trying to ask me out to Wheelock because he always read there, Talk about Stranger Danger.
Itís good to know my smilish tendencies come from such a good man.
Once again the cursed question of what's going to happen in the future - is there really going to be nothing more than monetary exchanges?
Monday calls for the firmest of my resolves not to cower on the spot, meek and mild.
Couple of weeks later, I'm going home. I'm not really sure whether that's where I can call home anymore. Sure, I grew up there. But then, if you think about it, that isn't really true. It was THIS place that taught me to think, after all, no matter how much They changed me, people Here did as well.
A month is over! Looking back, it's hard to believe that exams finished only two weeks (or so) ago. It feels like ages, just like how it felt like 2 days since school started before exams began. 2 weeks of break, according to authority, should be enough of a break before we begin preparing for life as pre-adults, on the cusp of graduation from teenage-hood. It's quite a joke, really. Ahwell, there're so many more changes to come, time to learn to embrace them. With 2 weeks to go, I'm nervously excited, dizzyly terrified, endlessly speculating. Here's to our successes!
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