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The boy had lovely intentions. He had eyes that would eat my soul alive if I dared to look into them. He had a heart that was pure and loving... until the anger dissolved it into something most unlike itself, a charred, blackened lump that can no longer love. But I still love him. Always. No matter what... I will love the boy. He is merely a dependent, a baby of sorts. I am on the edge of adulthood… and somehow he still doesn’t see that. He abuses my heart and breaks it, and stil I am his fool. Forever.
One encounter I had was a link to the future. My boyfriend and I were going to the Rip Off Joint, and he wanted a soda from me, though he had just got paid. I have no job, mind you. And he kept begging and begging me for a drink, like he didn’t know the meaning of the word “no”. This is a link to the future because if he does this when we get married, both he and I will be completely screwed with no financial savings. He needs to improve in 16 ways, cue the number of cons.
What’s inside a pen: the tools to make words, express thoughts, to get points across. Physically, all that’s there is ink and fibers, and a spring (if it’s a click pen). But that doesn’t really matter. What is really inside the pen is what’s inside you. All your thoughts, your creativity… a pen is not just a writing utensil. A pen is a deadly weapon. The most evil-inspiring documents in the world have been written with ink or pen, or something like that. You could say anything is in a pen; anything the human mind can dream up… love, hate…
What is inside me is the same that’s in everyone… the capacity to love, to hate, to disagree, to have opinions. I have a brain, I have a heart, and all the necessary body parts, but sometimes I worry about their functionality. I have some degree of knowledge inside of me, along with blood and guts and DNA. I hope I have potential inside of me. I hope I have a future somewhere in the potential of my mind. I don’t know exactly what’s inside of me, but I think I have a general idea. I’ll figure it out someday.
When I was fifteen, I was confused. At eighteen, I am still confused. I had a boyfriend called Kevin, and a dream called El Que Viene Con La Tronada. I was dreaming all the time when I was fifteen. I was more loose and immature and naïve and stupid at that age. I was going to church more because I was preparing to receive the sacrament of confirmation. I was a big flirt, and still had Resorts. I wish I was fifteen again, but in some ways I’m glad to be continuing in my life. I don’t wanna look back.
I wish I was thirteen again. I would change so much and get rid of my shyness at an earlier age. Then I would never have to deal with it when I turned eighteen, the age I am now. I am struggling to kick my shyness in the butt now, and it’s an uphill battle. If I was thirteen, I would date Craig. I’d tell Arleigh exactly what he was to me; just a friend. I would reach out to a sixth grader named Jamie and prevent the anger from rearing its ugly head. I would murder shyness and anger.
Dear Future Self,
Are you breathing? Are you over your shyness? Are you married? Do you have kids? Do you work? How did you survive the teenage years? I wish I could pull you into the present so I could sit down and have a good chat with you. I’d ask you all these questions and so many more. I can’t believe that you may be still alive and still kicking. If you are successful, I want to be just like you. I am tired of being confused. Tell me how you got over it. I’m tired of being me.
My past self that was hurting was the girl from fall 2005 who was so stressed about her senior project. I’m in her shoes again now, as I look for a job, and I would tell her to calm down and think it out. I know she knows that everything will be all right, and she will get through this as she usually does; with hilarity and music and her boyfriend. I’d comfort her and tell her she needs to understand she shouldn’t get torn up about this when harder trials are yet to come. I would hug her, too.
Ways To Make A Difference
Smile at those you dislike
Do what Jesus would do
Give people hugs
Do something nice for someone you love
Reduce, reuse, recycle
Don’t give in to peer pressure
Let someone go ahead of you in line
Don’t waste money or electricity
Don’t just talk about what you’re going to do; do it!
Talk to someone who is upset
Plant some trees or flowers
Write a short story, essay, or poem
Forgive your enemies
Break the cages of shyness and fear
Stop moping around and occupy your time
God makes a difference for me every day. It's just a matter of whether I notice what he has done or not. Most of the time, we are too busy to appreciate what God does for us. If you let God into your life, he can make a huge difference and cause you to change the way you look at life, and at others around you. God has made a difference for me, because I know that if I didn't have God, my life would be going in the wrong direction. I'm glad I chose God to make a difference.
The phone rings once in an empty house.
Adolf Hitler was an intelligent man.
I want to be her when I grow up.
She struggled to breathe under the crushing weight of his oppressive anger.
I used to think I was normal, until The Voices popped out of my head.
The apocalypse is not the end of the world.
I wish I never left the boy who made my life a living hell.
That was the weirdest dream I ever had.
Everyone wondered why he acted so abnormal in a world full of normality.
He ran home alone.
He ran home alone. The voices in his head were relentlessly pursuing him, urging him to lie down and die. They told him to leave it all behind; his hopes, his dreams, his visions. They surrounded his every thought and caged them until nothing coherent swam in his mind. The voices are his mortal enemies, and they serve no apparent purpose but to confuse his thoughts and make him want to die. The boy, Luke, fights against them with every ounce of strength he has, but it is never enough. Not when they persist. Not when they echo against the...
It was the weirdest dream I ever had. And that's saying a lot. All my life I have been plagued with weird dreams, and this one was no exception. A witch followed me on her broomstick, cackling with a venomous voice. I turned around and she got off her broom, dismounting gracefully. Her gnarled hands gripped the broomstick tightly and she faced me, murmuring something that sounded like my name. Against my will, I stepped closer to the witch, peering into her eyes, which were purple and green at the same time, swirling into mine like whirlpools. She got closer...
I'm usually introduced by my boyfriend saying, “This is my girlfriend.” Then, depending on who he's introducing me to, he says what he feels about me. He says he loves me, or that I'm his future wife. And I smile at the person and blush, because by then his arm is usually around my shoulders or my waist, pressing me so tightly to him I start to feel smothered. The person smiles back, unless she's an offensee and jealous of me or something. But those times are rare now. Usually I hit it off with whoever I am introduced to.
My opening line would be: “I wonder what's going to happen today.” It sounds unoriginal, but it's the thought I wake up with every day. (besides the other one, which is “That had to be the weirdest dream I ever had.) I look at the day as a new start and a new opportunity for me. Waking up into a new day is better than going to sleep in the old one because you see the sunshine and feel like starting again. So my opening line is the same every day, depending on what I know will happen during it.
What you should know about me is that I am insecure.
What you should know about me is that I am jealous.
What you should know about me is that I do not trust my friends.
What you should know about me is that I love to read.
What you should know about me is that I am pitiful sometimes.
What you should know about me is that I am in love with the wrong guy.
What you should know about me is that I am Catholic and nobody is ever changing that.
You should know I hate my shyness.
I am happiest when I am alone.
I am happiest when I am writing.
I am happiest when the world is at peace.
I am happiest when I am with my boyfriend and he's not acting like a second-class version of Justin.
I am happiest when I take a walk through a crowded building.
I am happiest in school.
I am happiest when I don't have to worry about the future.
I am happiest when I know that Hillary Clinton (and all of us) will eventually die and go where we need to go.
I'm happiest when I love.
I don't want to talk about how my relationship with Jamie is changing.
I don't want to talk about how I am socially incompetent.
I don't want to talk about getting a job.
I don't want to talk about transferring to a new college.
I don't want to talk about how I have not spoken to Cindy.
I don't want to talk about how Jamie may have some form of mental illness.
I don't want to talk about finding another boyfriend.
I don't want to talk about sex.
I don't want to talk about how I am falling for him.
Every morning I wish he was beside me.
Every morning I wake up horny.
Every morning I eat cereal.
Every morning I think, “That was the weirdest dream ever.”
Every morning I have to go to school, or work on something else.
Every morning the alarm wakes me up.
Every morning, he doesn't want to wake up.
Every morning the birds sing.
Every morning I look out my window.
Every morning I am excited about what will happen in the day.
Every morning “there's a halo hanging from the corner of my girlfriend's four-post bed.”
Every morning I think.
I am stuck in a relationship, but I'm not completely sure that I want to get out. Sometimes, I feel on top of the world happy, and other times, I feel either angry or sad or frustrated or confused. It's hard to tell which I feel more of: the positive or the negative emotions. I think I am just stuck in general confusion. Yesterday, I was happy in the relationship, and the day before that I was completely unhappy. I think I should get out of it just to stop the roller coaster of my emotions. It's cliched, I know.
In this moment, my stomach is full. I am content with life as it is. My father is going to HealthQuest, my mother is at work, and my brother is at school. Today is his sixteenth birthday. The clothes are in the dryer and the washing machine. The dogs have been fed and walked. I am feeling positive about Jamie. In this moment, I am listening to Matchbox Twenty. It is a gorgeous day outside, ready for summer, but still hanging onto the edge of spring. I feel poetic and punkish. I am wearing my hat, and some older clothes.
What pulls me away from the Great Unknown, AKA the blank page, is the Internet. Jamie does it too, but he inspires me more than he hinders me or prevents me from writing. I tend to get distracted easily, especially with the Internet in my room and all that awesome stuff that's on the Internet. Feeling the need to plan more also pulls me away from writing. I feel that I'm not mentally equipped to write yet, or need to get more ideas. I get lost in thinking new ideas instead of writing a story, and that hinders me often.
How I have dealt with the unknown... just let it happen, and I deal with it as it's happening, with a few breaks for contemplation. I make my decisions mostly without thinking, then if I can change my mind later, I do so. But I'm not sure that it's the right thing to do all the time, but as a teenager, my mind is still changing. I get through the unknown with a slight sense of humor, and if anything upsets me, I just laugh it off and move on. At this point in my life, that's how I deal.
What is unknown to me is what I will be doing in five years... or even a year. I have no idea. I can't see myself doing anything other than what I'm doing know... dating Jamie, sitting on my ass, writing, reading, not working, trying to keep insanity away. I know it'll change, but what's unknown to me is how I'm going to make those changes. I don't know if Jamie is the one, even though he is over 100% sure. I told him I would be waiting for him to grow up, but he doesn't think he needs to.
I am looking for the right person for me to spend the rest of my life with. I am also looking for a job, but I am looking for the former more. I think a soul mate is more important than a job, car, or college, because he will literally be forever. I am looking for a mature way out of being a teenager, because even though I like it at times, I am getting really sick and tired of it. I am still looking for signs from God about my future and what it may possibly hold for me.
An addiction is like a black hole. You get sucked in and it's either not easy or just plain impossible to get out. There are different kinds of addictions. You can be physically, mentally, emotionally, or physiologically addicted. There have to be more ways of being addicted, but those are the ones that came to the top of my head. You can be addicted to a person, food, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. Even Jamie says that I am his addiction. Some people have addictive personalities that can easily form attachments to anything. I hope I'm not one of those people.
Once upon a time, I was falling. The funny part was, I didn't know I was falling. And now that I realize it, I know how to build my wings, so I can pull myself up and away from the bottomless pit that awaits me at the end of the fall. I'm trying to figure out more about myself, to keep adding feathers to my wings. I'm trying to see how much time I have left before I hit the bottom. This has to do with an addiction from my last entry. If you know me, you figure it out.
Possibilities That Scare Me
If I don't get a job.
If Jamie is the wrong one.
If all along Arleigh or Kevin was the right one.
If I never get over my shyness.
If I don't get accepted to a four year college.
If I lose all my inspiration.
If my parents or someone I love dies.
If Jamie “breaks down” and goes back into sixth grade mode.
If I am unhappy the rest of my life because of decisions I make now.
If the world really is in the end times.
If Jamie never knows who God really is.
Breaking up with Arleigh.
Not asking Craig out.
Not applying to any four year colleges in high school.
Not getting a job when I turned fourteen.
Kevin breaking up with me.
Giving up the NMFHJ strategy on April 20.
Disobeying my parents on March 17.
My shyness and the problems it has caused me.
Not always being there for my friends.
Waiting until 12th grade to join the coffeehouse club.
Being short-tempered with Jamie.
Being short-tempered with everyone.
Procrastinating so much in high school.
Letting sex take over my brain.
Being so boy-crazy.
All The Friends I Have Ever Had
My Favorite Smells
The smell of Clayton High when you walk in the cafeteria.
The smell of my boyfriend's cologne.
The smell of spaghetti sauce.
The smell that hits your nostrils when you walk by any restaurant.
The smell I get when I walk into my boyfriend's house.
The smell of paper and ink from a black pen.
The smell of my old perfume, “Embrace Today”.
The smell of new clothes before you wear them.
Incense in church.
Coffee in the morning when you get up.
How the bathroom smells nice when you go in after someone takes a shower.
The Tip Jar