REPORT A PROBLEM
Ugh. I lost my entire post again, but that was due to my fingers moving too fast. I guess that was an April Fools Day joke on me from myself. I need to remain appropriately skeptical of any weirdness that happens today in case it is actually an April Fools joke. I hate this "holiday," along with Halloween. Fortunately, in our new neighborhood, it doesn't seem like very many people celebrate Halloween. I had an entire bag of candy to myself by the time the night ended. Given the number of houses, one would think it would be a good trick-or-treat neighborhood.
Good Friday. If last year's Lent was the Lentiest Lent of all time, this one had to be the un-Lentiest. I didn't give up anything, really. I gave up music, but it's to the point where I don't listen to it much anyway. That was the point, though. To wean myself away from it. So I have succeeded after a million years. But part of that might have only been getting older. I don't relate much to popular music about love and all that nonsense.
I have been "praying" the rosary every night, but I cannot for the life of me meditate on the mysteries.
It was a crazy Easter weekend for my son. He's two years old, so everything is fun and exciting. He's not yet the jaded 10-year-old. In was surprised he got as many eggs as he did in the Easter Egg Hunt.
I want to rant about in-laws, but then I realize I could have it much worse. I realize that it is impossible for some people to see their parents in a negative light, and sometimes I see glimmers of it, but I see all my in-laws' flaws so clearly. They get on my last nerve.
The internet (they are now lowercasing that) keeps conking out on me. Should I get Fiber? It's supposed to be the fastest internet. There's also something called Starlink that is also supposed to be blazing fast speeds. I think the reason my internet is so slow is because the modem is all the way across the house and the signal is weak. Yet on my cell phone, I can get internet when I'm sitting in the yard. I have no idea how these things work. It's just annoying losing internet every so often with no clue why it is happening.
Soon I will be 33. We were talking yesterday in our church group (used to be Bible study until COVID disbanded it) about how we used to think certain ages were so old. Like my mom is 71. She will never be 71 to me. I will forever think of her as 45. Same with my grandma. She will always be frozen in time at 75, even though she has passed away. My brother will always be 9 or 10 to me. My dad will always be 37. My exes will be frozen at the ages they were when we broke up.
A bunch of stuff is floating through my mind to write about, but I guess I will write about the aura. In church on Easter Sunday, I started to see this jagged, spiky, bright crown-of-thorns looking thing on my eye. I thought I had looked into the sun. But it kept getting bigger and more spread out and it migrated across my vision into my left eye. Migraine aura. After those, I don't usually have giant headaches, just some little annoying pulsing. I lost sight in my left eye for a while there, but it came back slowly.
The pitfalls of having long nails. I was thinking about that when I read an article about the woman with the record-breaking long nails. How do you function with nails that long? I have fairly long nails and always have, but after a while they break by themselves (painfully) and make it harder to do things. Then when I cut them, I find myself somewhat impaired. I can't open certain things as easily, and ironically my nails stay clean when they are longer. You'd think the opposite would be true. I would rather have long nails, despite the breaking risk.
Everyone is getting the vaccine. I guess I ought to get it, too, but I keep wondering if there will be some kind of long line, or if I make an appointment, will it get cancelled. I keep thinking that the moment I make the appointment for the vaccine, I will get COVID. I have been thinking about death so often for the past year or so. What if an asteroid smashes into the house and I am gone? Well, I won't have to worry about that one report at work or that particular coworker or all the repairs to the house.
4/12: My parents are supposed to get their COVID shots today. Power to the vaccinated, I guess. I am waiting to get mine because I feel like the appointment will get cancelled or there will be some kind of shortage. I'm not going to virtue signal, like the people at work, who put it in their out of office messages. Just say you're going to an appointment. No need to give the "why" or "what" of said appointment. I don't understand it. Subtle to reminder to the rest of us that we need to get the shot, I suppose.
4/12: Camp NaNoWriMo is in full swing, but I'm not participating. I wish I was, but at the same time, I think the writing part of my life is over and done with. I would love to write, but I can never prioritize it, which is entirely my fault. Then at the end of the day, I am too tired and just want to read a book instead of getting my thoughts together enough to actually write my own book. I also don't like how NaNoWriMo assumes everyone is woke and agrees with their social justice stuff. A lot of nonprofits do that.
4/12: Now that we have been working at home for more than a year, my company is asking us to evaluate continuing to work from home permanently. On one hand, I would like to do that, but I miss face-to-face meetings and actually seeing coworkers. And having a super-fast laser printer. And the occasional free food. And the $5 Fridays in the cafeteria. Stuff I don't miss: too much social interaction, the commute, the parking deck, the rush to get out of there at a certain time, feeling like I'm being watched, too many people using the microwave in the break room...
My social anxiety is such that I would never use the microwave in the break room, simply because I don't want to stand around and make awkward small talk with others who are waiting to use the microwave. Also, I am afraid that if I break the microwave somehow, it will be on my head to fix it. So I would always eat my food cold, which was fine. But then I'd get cold, so I would need to put my sweater on. Working from home is so much better in that regard. No more cold leftovers. No awkward small talk.
My head hurts. It's like I have a migraine every day these days. I don't understand it. If I take ibuprofen right away, they go away. Sign of a brain tumor? That's always how it goes in books. Something super dramatic, because if there was no drama, there would be no story. The worst thing about the migraines is that they make me tired. I would be OK if I wasn't so dang tired. It also has something to do with the fact that I rarely drink water or anything. I just don't care for drinking because then I'm not hungry.
Lawn guy was supposed to show up, but he's not here yet. There are supposed to be thunderstorms later. I'm waiting for a good hard rain to get all the pollen off my porch, driveway, and car. I wish I could work outside, but I would never be able to concentrate. The sunlight would be too bright and harsh. I would want to take a walk or just stare at all the birds and squirrels and perhaps the neighbor's cat.
It's a lie to say I haven't thought about writing. All I want to do is write, but time slips away.
Tax Day... well, not really because I think they extended the tax deadline due to COVID-19. I finished a good book. These suspense books are nice because they go super fast and you can rip through them in about a day and a half, depending on how busy you are.
I wonder if I could give up reading fiction. That is one of my only true pleasures in life these days. Everything else just feels like work. Does that mean I'm getting older or just more cynical? Probably yes to both. I can never be sure of anything anymore.
I had a brilliant idea for a 100 Words entry, but I promptly forgot it. I am actually writing on Monday the 19th.
You wanna know what I hate about Microsoft Word? When it automatically superscripts the "th" in numbers like 19th. I know there is a setting to stop it from doing that, but I never think to change the setting. I guess that automatic formatting must not bother me very much after all.
I get headaches more on Mondays. I think it's the transition from home to working, even though it's not a physical transition anymore.
Another reason I don't like talking to people online is religion. I can never defend my religion from its detractors, although I probably should. I can never give a logical argument. It's all about my feelings toward my faith and my religion. I cannot convince anyone that way, so I guess I rely on my life to convince them, but that's not very convincing. I wish I wasn't so functionally an atheist. I try to put God into my life, but I guess my brain turns to other things more often than God. When I think of God, I feel bad.
I feel bad because I do not honor him as I should. We believe that Jesus is present in the Eucharist, but if we really BELIEVED it, we would fall on our hands and knees in front of the monstrance or at the consecration, no matter what. I want to do that sometimes, like one would in a Baptist revival. Fling myself on the floor. Catholicism is an orderly faith. We don't cry out "amen" in the middle of sermons. We don't speak in tongues (not charismatic). So I bow my head and sometimes I cry, but not always.
There was a time when I would cry at every consecration, but now I'm too distracted to do anything other than make sure my son doesn't go crawling around under the pews or darting out into the aisle. I feel sorry for the person/people who sit behind me because they must be so distracted.
I am not sure why I cried, though. I think it had more to do with gratitude for Christ than anything. Or maybe I was just feeling emotional that day. I guess that is the closest I get to a "revival" experience these days.
4/21: Something happened yesterday. My husband and I were walking in our neighborhood with our son in the stroller and all of a sudden a pit bull runs out of a neighbor's yard and toward the stroller. My first thought was that it was a young dog, curious about what was in the stroller. But it was a pit bull, so it scared me. I didn't know if the dog would haul off and bite my son. He sniffed at him and my son looked bewildered, like he wasn't sure what to think. The dog's head was so big.
The neighbor came out and called the dog, who went away, and I was thinking about bias and all the crap that I am taught at work. I was biased because the dog was a pit bull. But would I have been biased if the dog had been a chihuahua? Or a Pekingese? Probably, because I don't like when dogs run out of nowhere up to you. I had no idea what that dog would have done. He seemed friendly enough, but you can never be sure because dogs turn on you. Even the nicest dog can turn vicious sometimes.
Paying bills is a necessary evil, but it is frustrating when these billing websites always change and the updated version is sooo slooowww that you want to punch your way through the computer screen to customer service or just pay over the phone (which I hate doing). I hate having bills lingering over my head, so I pay them as quickly as possible. Except when the companies make it harder. Even that yucky water bill. Note: next house will have its own well. I don't like paying outrageous fees for community water that's still full of minerals. Enough complaining now.
When you buy a phone card, there is an "e-911" fee. Does that mean you are charged for calling 911 in an emergency? I guess I ought to read the fine print. Maybe it is so you can get better service in order to reach 911 in case you happen to be in a hard-to-reach place without much or any signal. Seems like that would make sense. But what is logic these days?
It was 62 degrees in the house this morning. I've opened all the blinds to let sun in, but it's still only 63. Eh.
4/26: My cousin's birthday. I don't talk to any of my cousins at all, mostly because I'm not on Facebook and we were not close as kids because the families lived so far away and never saw each other. I met my cousins who are closest in age just a handful of times. I doubt we would have much in common these days anyway.
In other news, I need to cut down on my collection of bookmarks. I end up using one until it falls apart, even though I have a million others. They are so pretty, though.
4/26: On bookmarks. I have a ton of plastic ones from when I was a kid. Some of them still have the tassels. Remember the Scholastic book fairs? Oh, yes. I used to love those. They should do something similar at workplaces. Have publishers bring in books and book accessories. Adults still need to read, too. Or maybe even host them at the library, along with a used book sale. There was a statistic that said that most people never read another entire book after they graduate from college. That's sad. I guess they don't think they have time.
Speaking of the used book sale, the big one in my county got cancelled again this year due to COVID-19. I miss that book sale, and the Catholic conference, which is now online only. I hate that. I can never concentrate on anything online these days, let alone listen to something online, because my son grabs my phone and wants to listen to the tractor song or the monster truck song or some other "hit" by a YouTube personality. They're not bad songs for kids, but they get stuck in my head repeatedly. And I am prone to getting songs stuck in my head.
Something made me think of Skye Sweetnam, a pop singer I used to listen to back in the mid/late 00s (aught years?). Turns out she has a heavy metal band now. Awesome.
But I have so little interest in music now. I guess I have become boring. All I want to do on the weekend is relax with a good book. I don't want to sit at the computer and write because I look at the computer all week. I was even thinking of recycling my personal laptop because the last time I used it was months ago.
My son proceeds to tear apart the living room, starting by ripping every book off the shelf and flinging them on the floor exuberantly, yelling, "I throw that!" Ugh, two-year-olds. My hidden fear is that he never outgrows it and is a wild thing his entire life and never becomes a productive, hardworking citizen. But perhaps that is the fear of every parent.
If he is a "failure," then would my entire life be a failure? I guess it would, if that is the only measure by which I judge myself and my worth. I don't want it to be.
Everything has a theme song, but lately I have had those dumb kids' songs from YouTube stuck in my head.
I think my son will come out of the terrible twos. Last night he was fairly obedient and is starting to put his toys back where they belong. If he has a routine, he will generally follow it. He was at the playground yesterday and didn't want to leave. He kicked and screamed and slapped his dad on the neck. Typical toddler stuff, I guess. But what do I know? He is my first kid.
Tomorrow is Friday!
I have been reading a ton of books lately, trying to get through them as fast as humanly possible. I'm not sure why. It's the only escape from reality I can get, since I don't have a TV. The snark subs on Reddit are good for an escape, too, but those people don't share my beliefs, so I sometimes get frustrated reading their stuff. It gets under your skin, the way they talk so negatively about children and pro-life issues. I am really thinking of getting a "dumb" phone (flip phone) so I can stay off there. It's not healthy.
The Tip Jar