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Back to 100 Words after a long absence due to maternity leave. I'm going to be honest. Having a newborn sucks and it's hard. But as the cliche says, it is worth every second. I just know I could never be a stay at home mom like my mother was and that's OK. I will never have as clean a house as she had, and that's also OK. My son is my son, and he's not my brother, and I'm not my mom, and my husband is not my dad. That is what I have come to realize in the past three months.
Leisure time is a thing of the past. I am thinking of ways to cut corners. Buying red solo cups, paper plates, and plastic cutlery. Cutting my cell phone out of the budget. Eating out more often, although I hate that idea. Hiring a maid service. Purchasing one of those food delivery services that has the unmade meal in a nice little package with perfectly measured ingredients that you make yourself. I try to cut down on electricity costs as much as possible and not waste water by taking too many showers.
I'm sorry, but most people do not need to shower every day.
Guess what I did yesterday? I wrote! I actually wrote in my old story from 3 years ago, coming back right where I left off. I was surprised at how much I remembered. I hope I can keep writing little bits here and there. That would make my life complete.
This weekend is gearing up to be busy. I'm so friggin' tired. But it's a good kind of tired because I'm tired from doing stuff, not just tired from sitting around on my butt. I don't know how stay-at-home moms can do it. I could never be one.
My mother-in-law's birthday today. She is 67 but doesn't look it. Sometimes I swear 60 is the new 40. My own mother is going to be 70 this year, but she is the youngest looking 70 I have ever seen. Well, not counting celebrities, but they are all made of plastic anyway. The baby is asleep. He keeps making noises. I hope he isn't too cold. I'm going to check on him. He has been fussing and putting himself back to sleep, so that's good. I worry so much, but that is the life of a mother, I suppose.
Baby is three months old now. They say that time is supposed to fly by, but it seemed utterly endless with all the hospital and ER trips, and sleepless nights, and boring time at the house. Fights with the husband. Holy crap, those three months were absolute hell. Yes, there were moments of joy here and there and some genuine happiness, but overall, I was a crying, miserable, disorganized, slovenly wreck. Now that I'm back at work, there is some structure, but now I feel guilty for wanting to be at work more than wanting to be home. *sigh*
So, surgery might be a no-go, at least this week when it was supposed to happen. The baby has the sniffles, but I don't know what it is because he's not running a fever and he's acting normally. Doesn't make sense. But I guess it is better to be safe than sorry. I'm going to call the pediatrician and get him checked out anyway. Then ask them what they think I ought to do about surgery. Then I call the surgeon. Kids get sick all the time, and babies supposedly get 7 colds by the time they are a year old.
I'm writing this post on April 8. Weird that it has been ten years since the original April 8. I wonder what he is doing these days. I don't think he is in the Air Force anymore. I remember disliking the fact that he didn't seem like he knew what he wanted to do with his life. He didn't like my personality, only the way I looked, which is strange because I don't think I'm a physically attractive person. Then I saw a picture of his sister, who looked somewhat like me. That was creepy, but we all tend to do that.
I got sick. Stress finally got to me. I have had a minor fever, but I'm still carrying on as though nothing is wrong. I have less desire to eat or do much, but I'm still doing it. I took orange juice, zinc, Mucinex, and ibuprofen. Not at the same time, but over the course of two days. And a lot of coffee, which makes me feel better no matter what. On Saturday, I had a headache, but I wasn't sure whether to attribute it to caffeine withdrawal or the sickness. All I know is that I felt like absolute garbage.
One of the most insidious songs to get stuck in your head is "Barbara Ann" by the Beach Boys. Don't get me wrong. It's a fun, cute, happy song and I love it, but it's just annoying as hell when all you can think about is ba-ba-ba-bar-barbara ann over and over again. I read some comment on YouTube that it was really about Bob Horan, and I thought that was hysterical. I'm sure there are many Bob Horans out there that never thought that they had a song dedicated to them. Well, now they do. Listening ears!
Oh, shit. There were layoffs in my group at work. They called it a "reorg" but they can call it whatever they like. So I wonder if I ought to start putting out feelers. Or at least start to fix up my resume and get my portfolio back together so I can look?? But a similar organization would have similar issues. I think this is all related to the federal government and who the president is. Oh, crap... but my coworkers have been through several layoffs and nothing's happened, so there is hope. Also if you are laid off, they could hire you back.
4/15: Happy Tax Day and surgery was a success. He seems to be doing pretty well. I want to write a blog post about all this mess, but I think I would either end up complaining or revealing too much personal information. I wouldn't want my son to grow up and search for himself online and find out that his mother wrote all this embarrassing stuff about him when he was growing up. I should keep this to thoughts about me and my internal world only. I was so zonked out this morning that I wanted to get a hotel and sleep.
4/15: Some doctors have no bedside manner. Some nurses are very terse, and you can tell they don't like their job. Why would you want a job dealing intimately with people when you don't seem to want to be around people. I don't think people enter nursing for the money. Maybe for the job security, because as long as there are human bodies, there are people who need to take care of them when they don't function right. I'm just frustrated with the world. I feel like I'm running on fumes, like I'm going uphill without pausing for a rest.
4/15: I was looking on my coworker's Tumblr and I found out a bunch of stuff I would rather not know. It seems like she is rather confused. All this SJW stuff is so confusing. On one hand, you don't know what your sexuality is when you're a female married to a male. On the other hand, you don't know what your religion is when you are obviously Catholic in name only. You think you did so much research on religion, when you're getting it from all the wrong sources instead of the horse's mouth. I mean... it's crazy.
4/15: I missed Palm Sunday Mass because my son was in the hospital and I wanted to be home with him and didn't want to leave him at the grandparents yet and didn't want to drag him around after he'd just been discharged.
My husband got another job. Let's see how long he sticks with this one. I'm not optimistic. I mean, the guy has gone through 10 jobs in the past year.
I dreamed my ex joined the Coast Guard. Weird. I was always trying to get him to join the military, but I don't think they'd accept him.
I feel like I am taking the path of least resistance, just trying to get by. Not being a good wife in that I keep up with the housework beyond the bare minimum. Not being a good Catholic in that I do the bare minimum. I would do more. I really would. But I am so tired, so burned out, and so unable to do anything beyond hold a crying baby. They said after three months, it would get easier, and to a degree, it has, but it's still challenging. I wish the baby was "normal," but we get what we get in life.
Notre Dame burned yesterday. I was sad, but as with all tragedies, especially those that occur overseas, I don't see the point in obsessing over them when there is nothing you can do directly. I'm sure there are jerks out there who are saying things about the Catholic Church being doomed, and it is hard to avoid seeing this as a sign of the times or an omen. But all the relics and most of the art were saved, as was the Blessed Sacrament.
The gates of hell shall not prevail against God's holy Church. I firmly believe that.
I read an article about sleep and all the sleep myths out there. Much of the world is chronically sleep deprived and it's leading to a host of health problems. I can believe it. I think my brain is working at full capacity even when I'm sleep deprived, but that is probably just caffeine helping. Oh, wait, that's another myth. Caffeine just makes things worse.
Someone wanted to build a butterfly garden for his wife. What a romantic idea. But I swear to you, she probably doesn't want a butterfly garden. She probably wants you to do the fucking dishes.
I would post something really personal today, but this is the Internet and anything I say can and will be used against me by anyone who cares enough to dig it up. So I will stop myself from oversharing.
And talk about the weather!
Tomorrow is supposed to be rainy and stormy. I was thinking about how people name their kids "Stormy" and "Stormie" and "Stormi." To me, that name always seemed like it belonged to a dog or a stripper. I guess you could name your kid Raini or Windi or even Sunni if you wanted to.
This morning was bad driving to work. I literally almost fell asleep at the wheel. It made me think of that girl who ran her car into me that day back in June 2017. I wonder if she was postpartum. The first thing I always thought was that she might have had a medical condition. I don't know. I guess I should have pulled over and rested before I endangered my own or someone else's life. But when I got to work I took a catnap in the "wellness room" and I think I'm alive enough to function today.
Happy Good Friday.
4/22: I don't write on weekends anymore because there just isn't time. Whoever said Sunday was a day of rest lied. (I guess God lied?) Because Sunday is the busiest day of the week in terms of social stuff. We go to church, we go to Bible study, we go to McDonald's to talk after Bible study, we go to my parents' house for dinner, then by the time we come home, it's time for the baby to go to bed. And I got nothing productive done except social stuff, which doesn't feel like getting anything done even when I did.
4/22. When I said there wasn't time to write on weekends, that was a lie. There is always time if you make time.
My husband starts his new job today. Let's hope this works out and he doesn't wimp out after the first hour or so. I have to pick the baby up right after work, which should be good. They will probably get all antsy if I get stuck in traffic because they have to go out to eat at 5 p.m.
I've realized that 5 is actually a good time for dinner. So you don't go to bed full.
Today seems all right so far. I wish things were a bit busier, but they will hopefully pick up when work starts coming in. I have a bunch of tiny things to do that will all take under an hour, but the heavy lifting hasn't happened yet and won't happen until later in the week or even next week. But that's a new month, and I need hours for this month. I don't want to burn up too much PTO because I won't be getting it back as easily as I earned it. I wish I had amassed a ton of PTO like back in the day.
I was thinking about my paternal grandfather today. I never met him. He died like 10 years before I was born, but he was a great guy. He fought in World War II and had a great sense of humor and was a joy in people's lives. I really wish I had known him, but based on the way people describe him, my dad inherited a lot of his good traits. I wish you would meet people in heaven. It would be fun to meet him. We'd sit around laughing together. But the only person you want to meet in heaven is God.
Ugh, I hate this project at work. If you're going behind me trying to make things consistent, then why don't you take the time and work on it yourself??? I'm not familiar with this project, so it's going to take me even longer to edit and make things consistent, so tell me to do one or the other, not both. I could go through and do grammar and make your life easier, then you work on the consistency. I can't really do both without it taking forever and being impractical. I hate giving up a proposal for this project. Yuck.
A bit of TMI NFP nonsense. I am glad I got my period. I'm glad I'm not one of those women who don't get a period 6 months after having a kid even if they stop breastfeeding right away. I mean... the period is like the marker of the beginning of a cycle and if you don't have it, how do you know where you are? I think the easiest thing in postpartum is just don't have sex, but people don't want to be told that. I mean... who the hell even feels like having sex in those crazy three months?
Only five days left in the month, and it seems like we're doing pretty well. Our restaurant costs are through the roof and it seems like that would be super easy to cut that expense. My husband won't eat real food half the time, so I just give him the card and he goes out. I don't like how he cooks because he puts all these weird spices in everything and they don't go together, and he's an impatient cook, so the food doesn't even get done half the time. Once he made himself sick. Has he learned? Nope, not really.
4/29: Another good weekend. My husband was sick Saturday so he didn't go to work. A harbinger of the end for that job? Who knows. But I hope not. He seemed excited to go this morning, so we shall see. Most of life is just wait and see to some degree.
I'm reading another book about the Borgias. I think this might be my last one. I'm tired of the characters acting in such morally reprehensible ways, but I guess family was truly their God, not so much God, even though Rodrigo was pope. It is a soap opera.
4/29: Sundays are so nice. We are busy all day and by the time we get home, it's easy to put the baby to sleep. I read something that said the less sleep he gets during the day, ironically the harder it is to get him to sleep at night. I wonder at what point they grow out of that.
We talked about who we would vote for. I guess I have to vote Republican. My conscience won't let me vote Democrat. But who is running against Trump? I doubt Trump wins, with all the bad press he's gotten.
Or I could just vote for the Independent Party candidate. Anna Duggar is pregnant with her sixth kid. I can't imagine having six kids, but it's easier to imagine now than it was back when I was in the fog of the fourth trimester, which is definitely the worst now that I can look back on all of them. From best to worst, it's 2nd, 3rd, 1st, 4th. But the baby came early, so I had a shorter 3rd trimester and a longer 4th. Also all that hospital stuff made it worse, so with a healthy baby it might not be so bad.
The bank's online system is down. Holy crap! How will I check my balance???? It's the end of the month. I wonder if that has anything to do with it.
Baby was fussy last night and woke three times instead of his usual two. It took longer to get him to sleep, too. I think maybe he has to get back into the routine of the week rather than the weekend, but with babies, nothing is set in stone. I had it pretty good for a few weeks there, but this is most likely a new phase in our lives.
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