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All Saints Day. And the start of NaNoWriMo, which I'll do my best to get to today. I wanted to try and work on a troubling scene that has been bothering me since May. I don't know what the deal is with it, but it's proven difficult. Usually, I can just plow through scenes, but this one has been plowed through so many times that I can't do it anymore.
Playing the litany of the saints now. It is hard to hear over the sound of the washing machine, but household chores must still be done. Today is a holiday.
Well, I survived the first two days of NaNoWriMo. I want to at least try to beat last year's goal. I have no idea what to do with my writing anymore beyond post it online to my blog or another website. I don't want to go through the rigmarole of publishing. I have enough stuff to stress me out. I wonder if I failed the glucose test because of stress. If I did, then I have no idea what's stressing me out. Even with all this stuff going on, I still don't feel as stressed as I did two years ago or even three years ago.
So breast pumps are covered by insurance. I don't know which would be the best one to get though. I suppose I should look at the reviews on Amazon or some other site.
Every day, I get closer to seeing my son, and he will never be as close to me as he is now. I think about that all the time. It's kind of bittersweet, and I will never know the magnitude of these moments with him tucked inside me as I will when he is out and I am missing them. I may have other children, but I will never have this one again.
11/5: I'm writing on Monday. I have to do the fasting blood test, so I haven't eaten and I think I'm starting to get a stomachache already. Also, it's raining, so it might take longer to get to the ob/gyn office than originally planned. Oh well. If I'm late, I'm late. I don't really have much urgent work to do, so I might as well just sit here and fart around until time to leave.
Someone on the classifieds at work is selling an ancient computer circa 2007. I find that funny because it might as well be my old computer.
I did something I almost never do last night (or perhaps it was really this morning)... a midnight writing session. I don't like staying up late, so late nights never appealed to me, but lately I have been getting up in the middle of the night for various pregnancy-related reasons, so I figured I might as well make use of the time.
Tomorrow is the guild meeting. I wonder what kinds of things will be discussed. We have an agenda, but I really dislike it because it's disorganized. I think I may rearrange it later on or at least get rid of typos.
Today is looking to be fairly busy, but work seems like it will be slow and boring. Not looking forward to that. Casting around for something to do. I mean, I have stuff to work on, but it's boring and I may not get it until very late in the afternoon. I'm supposed to go with my husband to his appointment, then to a meeting (unrelated to work) after work. And try to hammer out some words of the NaNoWriMo thing I'm doing. So it's a busy day, but not busy with work. I should have taken time off today.
I figured out how I got the hole in the arm of my sweater. When I put it on, my ring pulls on it. I need to buy a better sweater with giant pockets since I no longer have pockets in my maternity pants. Well, the maternity jeans have back pockets, but I don't like putting things in the back pockets. This one sweater I saw this girl wearing was very long (and I like long sweaters) and had nice comfy pockets. They looked huge. I wonder how far they went down. Maybe as big as men's pants pockets.
Trying to arrange things for maternity leave already. All of this is very alien to me. It will get easier with each successive kid. I realized that sex is powerful and scary, not because of trauma or abuse associated with it or anything like that, but because it creates life. Pardon the pun, but you can't fuck around with sex. People try to, with all this birth control and stuff, but in the end, God still rules and he determines when we are born and die. Humans are such control freaks. Why do we want to have such great responsibility?
I'm having a debate with myself about how to make sure my son grows up to be an independent person and doesn't go running to mommy and daddy or grandma and grandpa for every little thing. But there is no way to ensure this. I can just do the best I can to raise him independently. I have to empower him to do things on his own and let him do things on his own from a young age, even if he might not do it entirely correctly or as I would do it. It's more about inspiring confidence at that point.
Ugh, sometimes I hate Gmail. The way it puts all the conversations in one message makes it hard to see what's what. I know there is a way to undo that, but I haven't figured out how. I'm glad Outlook doesn't do that, but I only use Outlook at work. I don't get enough email outside of work to warrant using Outlook. Feel like I'm going to start neglecting my blog again. I want to wait until November is over. Maybe NaNoWriMo will yield a bunch of ideas, then I'll be able to get some blogs written for December.
Had a dream about Seether last night. I'm really not sure why, but I think it was because I was looking at pictures of Post Malone and thinking that he looked an awful lot like Shaun Morgan, the lead singer of Seether. I can't believe I used to listen to that depressing music. If I pulled out my old Disclaimer II CD and played it, I'd have the worst flashbacks of all time.
Holy crap, I just saw "audacity" spelled "odasity." Nice. That was pretty cute. I hope I get to do some words for NaNoWriMo today, but first... shower time.
I'm so tired of tiptoeing around people and watching what I say because I might offend someone. If I offend you, big deal. Grow some balls and get over it.
No idea why I'm in such a hostile mood today. Might have something to do with the weather and the fact that I itch. Also, it is boring at work and I have been working on the same report for what feels like forever. There is very little to break up the monotony. The baby is moving, so at least he isn't bored. I just want to leave already.
Still bored at work. I have things to do, but they are boring. A bunch of people are talking loudly in the hall. I'm trying not to cross my legs per doctor's orders, so baby has room to turn around and hopefully get in the right position for birth. All this talk of birth and labor has me really worried... and scared. I bet I end up with a C-section, but I will take whatever is needed so baby is healthy and comes out OK. This is my first baby, so I have no idea what will happen that day.
Can't believe it will be Thanksgiving next week. I'm not ready, even though there's not much to do. It's always good when someone else does Thanksgiving for you. I dread the day when I have to do Thanksgiving. I guess it would be pretty soon or when I have a house. I just want a fairly large kitchen to make a mess in. My little boy can help me cook if he is old enough or wants to. Heck, even if he doesn't want to, I will at least encourage him. I don't want to be a parent of a useless son.
We have reached the midpoint of the month. That makes me happy. There are a bunch of days left to go, but a bunch of days still to be seen. My baby shower is in two days. I'm somewhat looking forward to it, but I'm more looking forward to seeing the sun come out. It's rained nonstop since Monday, and our area can't handle much more water. NaNoWriMo is going well in terms of word count but going badly in terms of ideas. I got nothing. But it is helpful to rant and rave to the empty screen and blinking cursor.
Ugh. Getting frustrated at work because people don't seem to understand the concept of "deal breaker changes"--and I just don't have the energy to be nitpicky anymore, not when there are other things that are worth caring about more than some stupid government report that nobody will read or care about in 2 years (or hell, even 2 weeks). I guess that was my primary reason for getting married/having kids. I love my job, I really do, but I just don't see it as making a huge impact on the world. Little things matter, but honestly, not that much.
The baby shower went well. We got a bunch of stuff, which is somewhat of an understatement. We got a ton of stuff. And a car seat, which is way bigger than I thought for some reason. I guess because it's not an infant car seat. Husband is going to install it in his car and take it to the fire station to get inspected. When I get mine, I'll have to do the same at some point. It is nice that they put safety first. Amazing society is not more pro-life. We do so much to protect children outside the womb.
Making a distribution list in Gmail. I wonder how hard that will be. I guess I just have to add everyone as a contact. I can do it in Outlook, but Gmail is another story. I've been meaning to do this for a while and I have about 100 email addresses to put in.
Apparently some people wanted to come to the baby shower but were not invited. I wanted to try and keep the number small. I didn't think I was so popular or that so many people wanted to come or that so many people liked babies.
Agh, I'm frustrated. But this is a different kind of frustration. Sometimes I wish I had the power to change people's minds or do things for them because they just won't do things themselves. Control freak? Maybe. Probably. Yes. I hate being taken advantage of, but I don't see any way out of a bad situation. Maybe I should start using the tablet instead of the computer. Or when NaNo is over, take the computer to work and keep it there and just have no computer and suffer the consequences. I hate that I have to suffer because of this.
My biggest writing fear... fear of not completely finishing something. Which is silly because here I am sitting on things that are actually finished but not finished in the way I would like them -- polished and published and ready to go. So I have all these finished/unfinished stories lying around. Nothing stinks like a pile of unpublished writing, a famous person once said. I'm not so sure I agree with that. It doesn't stink, but it does stick in your mind for a very long time and nag at you relentlessly until you do something about it and get back to it.
Doing a formatting QC, which is turning out to be a kind of format. This is the last day before the four-day weekend, and I'm hoping it will be a good one. I'm going to make it a good one no matter what happens. People may piss me off and want stuff at the last minute, and I'll do my best to accommodate, but overall, I won't be fazed because vacation is on the horizon. Going to see a movie. Going to get stuff accomplished, hopefully organize the baby stuff or clean or get rid of things that are useless.
Another Thanksgiving. If I were to list what I was thankful for, it would be God, the faith, my husband, a place to live, a baby, people who care about us, my job (which I got around Thanksgiving six years ago), coworkers that get their work done even though they are so perfect it infuriates me, enough food to eat, enough water to drink, prenatal vitamins, my ob/gyn, writing and books and journals, music to keep me entertained, TV shows that don't suck and aren't immoral, and the gift of life (which my husband says he is thankful for.
Writing my 100 words so I can get it out of the way. Today's Black Friday, but I have no intention of shopping. I guess I'll do that at some point. Perhaps this coming Saturday would be a good day to do it. Starting to freak out about all the remaining baby stuff that has to be bought. I keep thinking that he will come early and I won't have anything ready. Babies come on their own timetable. We decided to get him baptized the day after he's born and it will be what it is. Too bad for anyone else.
I did my budget for January, assuming I am on short-term disability (only 2/3 of my regular pay) and assuming that I don't get a pay raise at the end of the year, and holy shit is it bleak. I have money for the bare essentials and literally nothing else. It also assumes that I don't use money from the savings account, which I want to try to use as little as possible, but I honestly will need to rigorously track this budget and make absolutely certain I don't go over. An overrun will be critically dangerous. Scary.
I didn't realize I didn't write yesterday, but I was basically rushed out of the house and didn't get a chance. I wish there was as much time to chill as there used to be, but it's OK. I got in touch with the pediatrician's office today, so I can finally get the ball rolling on that. I so badly want to have everything as squared away as possible before the baby gets here. But it all depends. He could come crazy early, like on Christmas or something, but I hope that doesn't happen. I feel like he is gaining weight by the second.
My six-year workiversary is today. That's the longest I've been at a job, and I really do like my job because it's so flexible and it's what I like doing. I always wanted to be an editor, and now I can say that's my title. So it makes me proud. I just worry that I will lose all interest in work when the baby comes, but I should have more interest because more is at stake. I have to take care of him, and all that costs money, and work will get me money, so I'll do my best.
Not too much to write today. I only have about 2,000 words left in my "story" for NaNoWriMo. I was looking back at some older stories today, which made me feel inspired.
A strange thing: I have never looked forward to going to the doctor until I got pregnant and started going to prenatal appointments. So that alone is a weird little fact that makes me happy.
Another weird thing: Cookies that have a little bit of brownie in the middle. Oh, man, were those good. I had some this morning with coffee. Best thing ever.
Nothing to report today except I woke up with my stomach hurting. Either I was sleeping on it funny or he was sleeping on it funny. I drank my usual milk and had vitamins and am sitting at my desk at work trying to get started on the little I have to do, but the stomachache seems to have gone away now. I hate that I'm going to have to use PTO this month to fill in time, but there's nothing I can do about that. Work has been scarce and hard to come by. That's how it is at this time.
These words should be going in my NaNoWriMo document, but they're not, and I'm reluctant to copy and paste them in because that would be like cheating.
Last week was Thanksgiving, and it feels like it was centuries ago. I'm getting so tired... all these holidays, then the baby. At least I'm not planning a wedding in January. That wedding was the craziest thing I have ever had to plan, and to this day, I'm astounded that it actually came out all right. My dad said it was the best wedding ever, but he is biased. So I don't know.
My platelet count dropped further, and they say that if it goes below 80, an anesthesiologist wouldn't want to give me an epidural. So this could rule out a bunch off stuff. They are going to retest in about a month or so, so we'll see where it is then. It is asymptomatic, so I guess that's a good thing. It made me think that I might die in childbirth, like some medieval woman. But if it came down to my life versus my son's life, I would sacrifice for him. No questions asked. But if I were to die, that would be selfish too.
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